You want me to read your new story??

[Submissioness]

You want feedback on your new story? So do I!

If you read my story Chelsea's 18th Birthday and leave feedback on this thread with the link to your story I will read and offer my own feedback on it. I honestly will. I'm not just saying that to get feedback. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. I'll tell you what I think and offer as much constructive criticism as I can or tell you everything I liked about it.

You got my word. Go read my stories!!

Chelsea's 18th Birthday: http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=388694
Chelsea's 18th Birthday Ch 2: http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh....php?id=410236

 

[Submissioness]

Oh! Almost Forgot!!!!!!

P.S. This is assuming I don't get totally swamped with people taking me up on this offer. Also, I should mention that I will not read Incest and not really into BDSM or Lesbian or Trannies/Crossers.

Sorry, I forgot to mention that. There is really no use for me to read them as I wouldn't enjoy them and wouldn't give you an unbiased opinion.

I prefer First Time, Rel/NC, Romance.
Thanks!

 

[emap]

Your links weren't working.

Hopefully these will.

Chelsea's part 1

Chelsea's Part 2

 

[kencannuck]

Review of Chelsea pt 1.

At first I was thinking that things were a bit long winded... but by the time I got to the bottom of the first page. Wow.

Your ability to bring her first time out of this story. My only question is didn't their feelings seem to happen awfully fast? The pacing just seems to be a bit quick, not that the action scenes weren't great!!

I did catch a couple of word mix-ups where it looks like you might have used the wrong ones, but it wasn't a huge problem as I was able to decipher.

It was worth the 4 stars I gave it, and I look forward to reading pt. 2

 

[Submissioness]

THANKS SO MUCH! I Loved Night Train.

I don't see where you think Chelsea's feelings developed quickly. It was Brent who fell first. Chelsea was being very careful not to get hurt. At first, she did have a slight infatuation with him because he was so popular and good looking but that was all.

Having said that, I read Night Train. I enjoyed the time period very much. There were a lot of things that I did enjoy about it. I like your descriptions. You obviously put a lot of thought into description. My only advice is not to get too carried away with things that are irrelevant to the story. You were discussing the people in the dining car and telling me what they were talking about. I thought to myself, I need to know they are there but I don't care what they are talking about. It drew my attention from the story.

There were some misuse and non-use of commas all throughout. I know I had serious issues with this myself and I found a website that helped me immensely when I was editing CH 2.

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm

I like how the entire sequence was actually a dream from a man watching an old movie and fell asleep. That was unexpected.

Thanks for reviewing my CH. 1. I really would like to have comments on CH 2. If you have time to read and comment, I would be more than happy to review another one of yours.

 

[MiliktheRed]

feed back wanted

I read Chelsea's 18 ch 1 and loved it. I felt it might have been a little long in setting the mood, some of the readers simply dont want to wait that long for the action.
I thought the POV change was an interesting idea. I would have much prefered to read her thoughts when her moment of defloration occured. That said this story was smokin hot!
I would honored if you would read my story, Kelly's Passion. Ch2 is along the same first time subject. I would like to read your thoughts on how I related the feelings of both charactors.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=410613

 

[Barnaby]

Chelsea and me

I loved both chapters! I have long since become jaded to the simple mechanics of a sex story. I need characters and a certain sense of realism, especially in dialogue and actions. Your stories provided all of these things.

I'll be honest, though, I never warmed to the POV deal. For all intents and purposes, you actually were using the third person omniscient narrator for most of it but the individual feelings were still conveyed.

I particularly liked her levels of innocence mixed with curiosity. What I really appreciated, though, was how well-rounded you made Brent. As happens sometimes in real-life, he is a sometimes self-indulgent jock to himself and his friends but is capable of genuine interest and affection to Chelsea...even if his friend doesn't believe it at first. He doesn't just want to deflower her for bragging rights. he shows an actual concern for breaking her in the right way so that she'll always remember it well.

Another aspect I like is that we don't go from A to B to C in order. What they do together happens at a somewhat slower pace and not all at once and they don't try to fit the whole Kama Sutra into their first date!

There are a few typos and/or mixed up wording but nothing major that I caught. The story, although long, flowed at a deliberate pace with part two throwing that just a little in my opinion.

Overall, an excellent effort! My latest (my 49th since 2003 counting poetry and non-fiction!) is DARCY'S DESIGNATED DRIVER at http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=411833. Let me know what you think.

 

[Submissioness]

Needs more tease, overall very good.

Milik, I read both chapters. While I was wee bit distracted with the unnecessarily large penis of our gentleman in the first story, I thought it was a pretty enticing series of events. I actually really liked the concept of the story and think there are a LOT of things you can do with a character like this. Perhaps a young virgin guy seeks a professional's training? I would have liked a little more tease. More chapters to get me excited about the imminent encounter. It's kind of a turn off for me, and many other readers, I've found, that every person and every inch of their body is perfect. Many of us want to read about real people that aren't perfect. It's more erotic for me, personally.

In Chapter two, I thought it was better in that it had more character building. I loved Kelly's back story and I loved your male character in this chapter. I liked to see how he was being so aroused and temped and cautious. It was great.

Keep it up. When there is a chapter 3, I'll be reading it.

Thanks for the feedback. Keep writing!! And please continue this character. It has so much potential.

I read Chelsea's 18 ch 1 and loved it. I felt it might have been a little long in setting the mood, some of the readers simply dont want to wait that long for the action.
I thought the POV change was an interesting idea. I would have much prefered to read her thoughts when her moment of defloration occured. That said this story was smokin hot!
I would honored if you would read my story, Kelly's Passion. Ch2 is along the same first time subject. I would like to read your thoughts on how I related the feelings of both charactors.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=410613

 

[MiliktheRed]

Thanks for your imput, and I have to agree that the penis size is absurd. As I looked at what had already been posted in the story I realized that I'm beating that to death. Unfortunatly I'm sort of locked thru it into the chapters I've already written...After that, never again!
I love the idea of a virgin boy wanting lessons. Thats just the kind of imput that I was hoping for. Thanks alot