You Don't Send Me Emails Anymore -- Nov. 9, 2001

[Mickie]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=10526

The story for this week is You Don't Send Me Emails Anymore by Lynn.

It can be found in the humor and satire category.

And now I'll turn the board over to Lynn.

Mickie

 

[Jake Marlow]

I liked this story. It was a cute little story and I could feel the immediacy of the narrator's predicament. I was pulled into her panic and wondering how she was going to deal with her problem. The writing wasn't bogged down by unneeded details, it was a great, compact piece of writing. There were a couple turns of phrase I would have done a little differently, but that's just me.

However, not sure this story belonged on an erotic story website. I did feel a twinge of something when I thought the story was going to go one way, but then it just ended. No payoff. And that whole payoff is why we come to read "erotic" stories over other kinds of stuff. I write nonerotic stories too, but I don't post them on erotic story sites. It could have been the start to a great erotic story.

It was a funny, cute story, but it didn't belong here.
As a story I'd vote: 4
As an erotic story: 2

Jake

 

[Jocund Day]

Cons:

1. You didn't let your imagination run far enough with regard to the imagined blowjob. Take IT out. Tell us what IT looks like. Suck the marrow out of IT, spit the stuff into a martini glass and tell us what IT tastes like. IT's just words on a page! What scares you?

2. "n fact, I had sent my latest story not to literotica.com but to the entire distribution list at work and to those on my personal mailing list as well." You're cheating here a bit. Not, "I thought I had" or "I must have," but "I had." Your story turns on this one crucial sentence. Take care you don't promise something you can't deliver.

Pros:

1. I can "see" the main character in my mind's eye very clearly. She's 20 or so, at least pretty, maybe beautiful, has serious but young hair, wears a gray flannel, fitted business suit with slightly too-open collar and slightly too-shortish skirt, sports black, Italian-calfskin, blockishly boyish heels at the ends of her longish legs, and underall wears matching, sunflower-yellow lingerie that her boyfriend just brought back from Paris. I can "see" all this because you have graciously declined to fit out your heroine with that detail of observation which I would much enjoy providing for myself. Less is more. Brava.
2. You have a gift for dialogue. Smooth transitions, light on the attributions, no adverbs in sight. (But no real person ever says "ravage" out loud.)
3. All in all, a concise little jewel waiting for the final polish. Thanks. JD

 

[Uther_Pendragon]

Cute, sorta.

But it's really a variant on the "And then I woke up"
ending.<P>
I'd have liked to see more of the story which you thought
you had posted.<P>
One of Uther's rules is that a surprise story is only
good if the reader will enjoy reading it a second or
third time -- after the surprise is completely gone.<P>
Still, it was a fun read.

 

[horny_giraffe]

Not bad.

I would have had her actually give the boss the blowjob--it would have been more erotic, a greater twist, and a little funnier then to discover that she had only sent the grocery list, or whatever.

I really didn't notice or especially care about how sure she was that she'd sent the story to everyone, as Jocund Day said--but I was a little confused about how it's possible to mistakenly email a grocery list. Also, it didn't quite fit the level of reaction from the other employees. It might have elicited a puzzled look, but unless I was ordering fourteen casks of scotch and a case of caviar, I can't imagine my fellow employees making such a fuss. But I live in Minnesota--perhaps we are just more reserved, here. You a southerner?

It wasn't really a surprise ending for me, at all. The ending seemed kind of expected. It's not that guessing the ending ruined it for me. Yes, the story is a bit formulaic, but so are Jay Leno's Headlines--and I like those.

There is something really great about a very short story. Even if it sucks, I'm not risking much to read it. If this same story had been twice as long, but otherwise unchanged, it would have irritated me. As it was, it took me perhaps a minute to read the story, and I didn't invest much. Like a knock knock joke. Sure, they're corny, but if it makes me smile then it's worth ten seconds.

For that reason, I think that you were generally correct to omit most of the detail, as Jocund Day also touched on. It kept the story short and sweet.

I gave it a four.

 

[Lynn]

Better Late than never? Better Never Late?

Something funky happened when I tried to post originally (it had to do with my boss coming in and my hitting close instead of send, but that is another story).

I haven't read any comments yet but what I am mostly interested in was:
Did this story get a laugh out of you, a groan, did you roll your eyes and want to heave your monitor?

I enjoyed writing it but also felt that I had to maniplate it to get the punch line so late in the story.

I am also interested in whether you felt the pace, paragraph size and punctuation distracted from or enhanced the story.

Thank you for reviewing it, and hope you get a little Chuckle out of it (and if you find Chuckle, canyou send him home I miss him).

Thanks,
Lynn

 

[Mickie]

Sending Chuckle on, Lynn. You succeeded in giving me a laugh on a day when I much needed it. Thanks!

I just got a chance to read through your story. It's been a harrowing weekend. The pacing and build-up to the end worked really well. In fact, I think I might have made it longer, but it worked pretty well the way it is. Paragraphing worked great! The varied approach, and single lines as emphasis on some paragraphs really paid off.

The only real problem I see with this is the punctuation needs a lot of work. There a few long, awkward sentences that could have been broken down into simpler to read ideas. The style was a little confusing because of this.

It didn't read very manipulated, to tell the truth. It did read hurried, though, as if you wanted to get things told before the punch line. The fun thing about suspense and writing is to put off telling the end until the end. Would lingering over details of her emailing and walk and wondering have helped the hurried pace? Each specific detail until the reader is walking down the hall in her shoes, feeling every emotion she feels. Build up the reader to expect the Vice President to open his zipper the minute she walks into the door. Perhaps even go into his character a little from her knowledge of him to tell the reader that he might even want her to attack him. Is he forward with the employees? Has he ever cracked an off-color joke? Has he winked at her before? Little clues like that as she's thinking about him during her long walk to his office might help get the suspense in there.

I do like the scene switch at the end, so you give the punch line later. It adds to that suspense.

So, how much suspense is good in a story like this? How much is too much? And what else could be done to give the reader a real belly laugh instead of just a chuckle?

Mickie

 

[Mickie]

Another thought -- as the other's have mentioned, would the addition of the actual blowjob, even if it was only in her imagination, have made the story better for this site? I think it would have, but then, I'm into nasty detail. Perhaps it would have been even better if the story began with her reading the erotic story and thinking about the blowjob, then detailed her error in sending it. Perhaps even mention the two separate emails and her sending both of them. Then detail her panic as it begins and grows, leading up to the moment she leaps on the VP.

Suspense. Let the reader think about something else other than which email the boss got, but leave the opening in there.

Mickie

 

[Lynn]

Excellent points. I like the idea of including the story first - getting distracted and sending off the e-mail and having the panic grow. I also like to give blowjobs, err I mean I should have included the blowjob in the mind of the woman to have added to the "erotic" nature of the story.
I have to look at the punctuation more, obviously, but I may just pick it up and write it again to fix that.

Thanks for the feedback so far from everyone. I know I need it, I mean the feedback, I mean I do NEED it but - oh never mind, now you have me flustered.

 

[mudlnthru]

Better not?

The story was a good teaser. Damn keys. Kind of like posting the right thing to the wrong person in a pm.

I enjoyed the humor and the situation. It was a good quick read and had me waiting for the situation and the finale. I have to admit, I got caught up in it.

The whole scene could have been a bit better set with something about her interest in the VP and what she really wanted to do. Perhaps put it in a sort of thought-thingie when she's walking down the hall. Keep the actions and have her flash to the things she really wants to do?

Cute story, though.
I gave it a 4

 

[REDWAVE]

Cute

I think the story works better without an actual blowjob. Sure, if someone's looking for a story to jack off to, this is not the right one. But if they're looking for a story with some literary merit, as well as an erotic theme, it's a good one. Cute and entertaining. Probably wouldn't hold up very well under multiple reads, though. I too gave it a 4.

 

[Mickie]

Redwave brought up an interesting point here. Multiple reads. What kind of thing makes you want to go back and read it again? Just what is it that makes a story a favorite that you like to revisit?

Mickie

 

[Lynn]

Who reads humor and satire over and over again?

I guess a joke, any joke gets boring and tired after the 2nd time you hear it, and that is pretty much what I wrote here - a joke. It was supposed to be cute and erotic. Erotic to me doesn't have to make my nipples hard or make me feel flushed, it just needs to spark my mind to think about the possibilities.

I never wrote this story to have people jerk off or finger themselfs to it - heck it takes me a while, why would I think a story that can be read in 2 minutes will get anyone off. Now if you want to read a story to get off on, read (Lynn's self promotion, has been censored).

But I read a funny story because it is funny, and other than my favorite joke, which still gets me to laugh even when I tell it for the 2000th time, once is always enough.

---
So, why DID the monkey fall out of the tree?

She was dead!

Why did the banana fall out of the tree?

The monkey was holding it (and doing herself when she died - so as not to offend people that wanted something erotic here).

 

[Mickie]

Humor and satire is a category for stories. The stories are sometimes very long jokes. I read stories over and over again if they spark an emotion I enjoy having. I enjoy laughing, so why wouldn't I read a humorous story over and over? I enjoy arousal, so I read the stories that arouse me more than once.

Actually, you succeeded in cute. Erotic? Well, it has a sexual undertone, but I wouldn't call it erotic. You could make it that way, though.

Part of telling a joke is timing. The lead up to the punch line is the most important part of the joke, not the punch line itself. A stand up comedian once told me (professional, though not on the main circuit) that the most important moment in a good joke is the pause right before the punch line. If you've done the set up right, people begin to react even before they know what they've reacted to. They anticipate. In other words, you have the audience in the palm of your hand.

Mickie

 

[Guest]

Cute story.......

This was indeed a funny, cute story. But I also saw the ending comming way ahead of time too. I knew that she hadn't sent her erotic story to the boss, so the ending wasn't that much of a surprise. And though I hadn't guessed on it being a grocery list, the surprise ending....wasn't really.

The build up and potential for there being "more" was wonderfully created in the beginning. But as the story progressed, I felt an urgency to hurry and complete it (to get it submitted right away perhaps?) Not sure on this...but I did feel there was alot more that could have been done with the "tease" which would have made it an even better story than it was. Not that it wasn't fun to read as "quickie", and sometimes a quickie can be fun too. But a little more "foreplay" <I think> would have spiced the story up some, and then the ending could have played itself out and had a much harder impact.

If I could....3.25 on this one.

I remain........

Thesandman