You Can Pick Your Friends...

[OhMissScarlett]

Something Cealy was saying on the blurt thread made me think about how your relatives can really drive you insane. Are you dealing with inconsiderate relatives this weekend? You know them, you love them, you'd drive them out to the desert and leave them if given the chance...

Actually, I've accepted the zen of hot and cold running people showing up at my house uninvited. I just don't give a fuck anymore.

My family is pretty considerate, I have to say, that's just how we were raised. It was a serious faux pas in my family not to call before dropping by someone's house or not to give at least two weeks notice before a party or get-together.

But, my SO's family are famous for their last minute behaviour and no one but me seems to think it's any big deal. Their family is huge, so when they would show up without calling, or without giving me ample notice, I used to just about have a breakdown.

The first time it happened was the night I brought my newborn son home from the hospital. My SO's brother showed up with his wife, six kids, and my SO's elderly mom without warning. I love these people, don't get me wrong, but that night I wanted to take my baby and leave them.

It's not uncommon for them to call the day of a holiday or party to invite us over or to come over here. My SO just can't understand why this makes me so angry.

I've coped by going with the flow, stocking up on easy to prepare snacks and locking the doors on messy rooms. It's all I can do. I've adapted and it doesn't even phase me anymore.

So, how does everyone else deal with their inconsiderate families? Any advice, suggestions, locations to hide the bodies?

 

[Honey123]

I've been dealing with crazy family members for years....the desert is the best location -- just ignore the big X -- it's where I go to ... um...sunbath...

Anway, my SO's family can be found sitting on my verandah even when we are not home...I used to get this knot in the pit of my stomach when we would drive up into the garage and there they were having cake and coffee outside there......

I bite my tongue because I need them to watch my son when no one else can. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...

 

[OhMissScarlett]

I've been dealing with crazy family members for years....the desert is the best location -- just ignore the big X -- it's where I go to ... um...sunbath...

Anway, my SO's family can be found sitting on my verandah even when we are not home...I used to get this knot in the pit of my stomach when we would drive up into the garage and there they were having cake and coffee outside there......

I bite my tongue because I need them to watch my son when no one else can. So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place...

Lmao! They're just on your porch, hanging out like they own the place. I think I would turn around and drive off and tell them I forgot something at the store.

 

[Honey123]

Lmao! They're just on your porch, hanging out like they own the place. I think I would turn around and drive off and tell them I forgot something at the store.

Best part is they live RIGHT NEXT DOOR and have their own backyard!!!!!

I must admit my verandah is really pretty...it is covered, has music and lights....but, still...

 

[Guest]

Best part is they live RIGHT NEXT DOOR and have their own backyard!!!!!

I must admit my verandah is really pretty...it is covered, has music and lights....but, still...

Debra, Debra Barrone? Is that you?

 

[BlackShanglan]

Goodness. I feel awfully lucky. All of my relatives call first even when nearby, although now that I am a thousand miles from any of them, advance planning is pretty much guaranteed.

The relatives dropping by on the day the new baby was brought home I see as relatively easy to handle. With one's foot braced firmly against the inside of the door, "Oh, goodness, I'm so awfully sorry. We really are wiped out. I'd love to have you in, but we were just going to bed. Let me call you tomorrow, and we'll have a nice visit." *click* People who don't plan ahead may never learn to care that it's much more pleasant for *others* if they do so, but they can at least be taught that it will at times be inconvenient to *them* if they fail to secure an invitation before arriving.

The relatives-on-the-veranda is a good deal trickier. You can't even lock them out. At least there are some benefits, as you note. I can't see any solution other than a "serious talk" or a relocation. Ugh. I do, however, tend to go ahead and do whatever I was going to do before the undesired guests arrived. It's difficult for me, as I believe deeply and sincerely in the laws of hospitality, but then they don't apply to uninvited non-emergency guests. I feel that racing about to fetch snacks and comforts for them only encourages them, so in the few occasions in the past where I've had the problem (usually with friends and not family), I've just apologized for being frightfully busy and gone about my business after a brief offer of a drink. Of course, if I'm really in the mood to see a friend and I'm not busy, I might sit down and natter. On the other hand, if it's someone I didn't really care to see in the first place, I'll find something to keep me busy. There's nothing like doing housework to encourage people to seek other venues.

Shanglan

 

[LeahLo519]

I've been having the same problem with people just showing up at my house. My roommate from college (not a direct family member, but we've been best friends since 1st grade) will just call me and say "I'm coming over." All I can do be like "Um...alright..." Then she comes over, gets on my computer for about 2 hours, eats some food, them leaves. It really kicks my dog.

 

[BlackShanglan]

I've been having the same problem with people just showing up at my house. My roommate from college (not a direct family member, but we've been best friends since 1st grade) will just call me and say "I'm coming over." All I can do be like "Um...alright..." Then she comes over, gets on my computer for about 2 hours, eats some food, them leaves. It really kicks my dog.

"I'm coming over."

"Oh, sorry. I was going out. Not sure when I'll be back, but feel free to wait."

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Goodness. I feel awfully lucky. All of my relatives call first even when nearby, although now that I am a thousand miles from any of them, advance planning is pretty much guaranteed.

The relatives dropping by on the day the new baby was brought home I see as relatively easy to handle. With one's foot braced firmly against the inside of the door, "Oh, goodness, I'm so awfully sorry. We really are wiped out. I'd love to have you in, but we were just going to bed. Let me call you tomorrow, and we'll have a nice visit." *click* People who don't plan ahead may never learn to care that it's much more pleasant for *others* if they do so, but they can at least be taught that it will at times be inconvenient to *them* if they fail to secure an invitation before arriving.

The relatives-on-the-veranda is a good deal trickier. You can't even lock them out. At least there are some benefits, as you note. I can't see any solution other than a "serious talk" or a relocation. Ugh. I do, however, tend to go ahead and do whatever I was going to do before the undesired guests arrived. It's difficult for me, as I believe deeply and sincerely in the laws of hospitality, but then they don't apply to uninvited non-emergency guests. I feel that racing about to fetch snacks and comforts for them only encourages them, so in the few occasions in the past where I've had the problem (usually with friends and not family), I've just apologized for being frightfully busy and gone about my business after a brief offer of a drink. Of course, if I'm really in the mood to see a friend and I'm not busy, I might sit down and natter. On the other hand, if it's someone I didn't really care to see in the first place, I'll find something to keep me busy. There's nothing like doing housework to encourage people to seek other venues.

Shanglan

Maybe being a gracious hostess is encouraging them! I never thought about it like that. It does seem like since we moved to this larger house and I started cooking more when people were over that there have been more instances or droppers by.

I think I'm going to start saying "So, what are you guys going to go pick up for dinner?" rather than "Let me throw together a deli tray and put on a pot of soup."

Doing housework works too. One time they came over and I was really busy making pies for Thanksgiving. I put the four of their oldest kids to work in a pie making assembly line.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Maybe being a gracious hostess is encouraging them! I never thought about it like that. It does seem like since we moved to this larger house and I started cooking more when people were over that there have been more instances or droppers by.

I think I'm going to start saying "So, what are you guys going to go pick up for dinner?" rather than "Let me throw together a deli tray and put on a pot of soup."

Doing housework works too. One time they came over and I was really busy making pies for Thanksgiving. I put the four of their oldest kids to work in a pie making assembly line.

Good plan! And really, it's always nice for children to feel like they are making a contribution. I bet they enjoyed that.

Of course, there's always the more pre-emptive method. Ms. Manners is clear on the issue: it's quite within the realms of polite behavior to decline to bring an uninvited guest into your house at all. Her advised method is to apologize sincerely, swiftly, and with minimal detail: "Oh, I'm so sorry. I had no idea you were coming. I would love to have you in, but I really can't right now." You're not obliged (according to Herself) to supply anything more specific by way of excuse, and indeed, she claims it works best when you don't (as there is then nothing to aruge with). That, she says, should be accompanied with a gradual but firm movement of the door toward the "closed" position, usually with some gentle parting words - "Do take care, and I'll try to call you tomorrow" or something similar.

Of course, with in-laws, all depends on a united front; no gentle brush-off in the world will help if the SO then invites them in.

Shanglan

 

[Guest]

arsenic


slow going

but effective

 

[carsonshepherd]

or you could do what I did: move 321 miles away!!!

 

[McKenna]

So, how does everyone else deal with their inconsiderate families? Any advice, suggestions, locations to hide the bodies?

My husband's biggest pet peeve with my family is "McKenna Family Standard Time" which is anywhere from 30 - 90 minutes late. It peeves me, too, but I grew up with it so I'm slightly more used to it.

When we invite them over nowdays, we make sure to invite them at least 30 minutes before we want to begin. It usually works out well. We know not to expect them on time, and they don't disappoint us.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Of course, with in-laws, all depends on a united front; no gentle brush-off in the world will help if the SO then invites them in.

Shanglan

sort of like vampires, lol.

My SO's sister called not to long ago, wanting to bring over her 3 and 2 year old nephews to play with my son. This sounded like code for roping me into babysitting them while she went antiquing. I said "No, I'm just not up to having visitors at the moment." and I felt so liberated. Really, me not being up to having visitors is code for "I'm writing porn, leave me the fuck alone!". So, two can play at that game.

or you could do what I did: move 321 miles away!!!

My mom moved further than that and it seems to be working for her. No one from our family has visited her yet. But now she's closer to her SO's family and they drop by all the time, lol.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

My husband's biggest pet peeve with my family is "McKenna Family Standard Time" which is anywhere from 30 - 90 minutes late. It peeves me, too, but I grew up with it so I'm slightly more used to it.

When we invite them over nowdays, we make sure to invite them at least 30 minutes before we want to begin. It usually works out well. We know not to expect them on time, and they don't disappoint us.

Our family is like that too. Over the years we've made up the rule of eating when the food is ready. Everyone else who's not there when the turkey comes out of the oven can fend for themselves.

 

[variable Xy]

luckily, my parent types live 2000 mi away. i'm a bad son. so i'm the inconsiderate one in the family... or so i'm told.

 

[LeahLo519]

"I'm coming over."

"Oh, sorry. I was going out. Not sure when I'll be back, but feel free to wait."

You don't understand...the town I live in has a population of about 2,500. There isn't any place to go "out". I've actually told her that I was at my cousins before and she said, "Ok, be there in a sec."

 

[BlackShanglan]

You don't understand...the town I live in has a population of about 2,500. There isn't any place to go "out". I've actually told her that I was at my cousins before and she said, "Ok, be there in a sec."

Yeek, that is trickier. Best I can offer is to decline to elaborate on "out," and to remember what gentlefolk of earlier days had down to an art form (and a commonly understood one): "out" means "not at home to guests." It doesn't require you to leave you house, only to say that you're not planning to be "at home." Or have you tried "I'm just not feeling up to guests right now"?

Or, I suppose, if she really is just there to eat your food and use your computer, you might try, "Oh, I'm so glad! The computer is in for repairs and I am just bored out of my mind. How about bringing your Monopoly board?"

 

[cloudy]

My first husband's parents, cousins, etc., used to show up without any warning at all, usually every other day or so. I dealt with it by taking that offer of a transfer - 6 hours away. He was an only child, and I guess his parents thought I would experience just as much joy as he did seeing their smiling faces at our door at 8 am Saturday morning. I, on the other hand, have a HUGE family, and when you have a family that large, you learn consideration or you kill each other, one of the two.

Right after I got married the second time, there was a friend of my husbands that lived about 2 miles down the road from us that we saw way too much of. The little community where we lived was where they had both grown up, and Johnny was usually waiting in the driveway when I got home from work every night. I learned to ignore him. I'd go on about my business, cook supper, put a plate on the table in front of him, etc. - EVERY night.

It finally stopped when about April, his father asked him if we were going to claim him on our taxes for the year. Gee, reckon he got the hint?

 

[blackhaus7]

You don't understand...the town I live in has a population of about 2,500. There isn't any place to go "out". I've actually told her that I was at my cousins before and she said, "Ok, be there in a sec."

And I thought I had dibs on living in the smallest Kansas town here. You beat me by 1500.

 

[The_Fool]

I just saw this budweiser commercial.....

 

[Guest]

I just saw this budweiser commercial.....

True.

 

[carsonshepherd]

My mom moved further than that and it seems to be working for her. No one from our family has visited her yet. But now she's closer to her SO's family and they drop by all the time, lol.

my SO's parents live a mile away and actually own our house, and yet never come over. It rocks!

 

[OhMissScarlett]

my SO's parents live a mile away and actually own our house, and yet never come over. It rocks!

That rules. I think your cooking is too high-brow for them, what with using bread crumbs as a casserole topping instead of potato chips and all.

 

[carsonshepherd]

Grrrr!