Yet another request for an editor

[SixtyMinuteMan]

Okay, I've got some stories to share, but I need a little help first. I tend to write long, and editing down can be a problem. It's hard to find that line between removing excess blather and carving into the character and plot exposition that makes the story work in the first place.

I'm reasonably good about spelling and basic grammar, although I'm certainly open to critique and suggestions there, too. Sometimes my sentence structure may have more to do with my train of thought than with anything resembling coherence.

As to the content of the stories: Category-wise they'll fall into Group Sex, Erotic Couplings, Exhib/Voy, some light BDSM, eventually some Gay Male and maybe Lesbian if my partner and I can ever get her same-sex stories cleaned up enough. The ones that will stand alone are mostly between about 7,000 and about 13,000 words, the multi-chapter ones probably 7,000-10,000 per chapter.

I'm not necessarily looking for a single editor to commit to working on all my stories, just whatever appeals and fits time-wise. The first one I'll ask for help with is an MMF group story, around 13,000 words, but if someone reading this has a particular type of story they'd be willing work on I have around sixty in various states of readiness and need for editing.

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Edit: Well, coming in here has already proved useful just for the bits of knowledge I've picked up from some of your conversations. Spent the night editing out instances of people laughing their words. Now I'm wondering if I have too many occurrences of "he said" and "she said." Maybe more speech should be whispered, shouted, moaned, cried, and growled? I shall consider.

I'm almost tempted just to post a block of text here and say, "Hey, everyone, are there too many 'saids' in here? Should I get out a thesaurus?" Don't know the forum culture well enough yet, hate to start off with a faux pas.

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

You might get a better response if you switch on your Private Messages. Go to User CP (top left of this page) then click on Edit Options (in the left hand column) and then tick Enable Private Messaging in the second box down. Make sure that the next box down (Receive Private Messages only from Buddies and Moderators) is NOT ticked. Finally click Save Changes at the bottom of that page.

 

[SixtyMinuteMan]

Woops. FNG mistake. Thanks for the tip, didn't realize they were off by default.

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Woops. FNG mistake. Thanks for the tip, didn't realize they were off by default.

<Sigh> All is well with the world again. Well, except for this recession crap, selling off the daughter for a gallon of gas (she says she enjoys it), milking the wife, bilking the bank... all in a days' work.

 

[SixtyMinuteMan]

<Sigh> All is well with the world again. Well, except for this recession crap, selling off the daughter for a gallon of gas (she says she enjoys it), milking the wife, bilking the bank... all in a days' work.

Hey, what's a little bankruptcy between friends? It's all worth it for the "My 401(k) has just been redesignated a 201(k) to reflect current values" jokes.

Besides, it may or may not be a recession yet. Just ask our illustrious leader.

Also... I'll take ten gallons' worth.

 

[SixtyMinuteMan]

I have an idea. Obviously it's not a substitute for real editing, but maybe the sage masters of the storyteller's art can give me some quick help here. I found a short passage from a story that illustrates some of the questions I have, I'll put it here and ask for some advice. If this is a forum faux pas I'll apologize and pull it down.

Okay. Here's the bit of story, I'll put my questions in italics. In case it matters, it's from the middle of the story. My lover Marie and I had served drinks at a wedding rehearsal dinner and then a little impromptu bachelor party, which is where this scene takes place.

I'm open to critique and advice on stuff other than my specific questions, too. The idea is to grow as a writer.

.****

Marie spent the half hour or so before the strippers got there flirting and dancing with the guys. And dancing for the guys, they persuaded her to show them a few simple ballet moves. Simple being relative, of course, most of us would rupture something trying even the most basic of the things they do. Even fully clothed she was hugely sexy, her black-stockinged legs elegant and strong as the majority of their length revealed itself when she turned and kicked. (Question: The italicized words in this paragraph. Should I leave them that way? Re-word the sentences? Just remove the italics?)

I think all guys find it sexy when a girl wears stockings instead of hose. Certainly I do. Marie had been teasing me when it was slow in the little bar by pulling up her skirt to adjust the tops of hers, which were the kind that stay up on their own without a garter belt. She did it for the crowd after her little ballet demonstration, getting some whistles in reward. (Is the third sentence here just too long?)

(This next bit- too many "saids?" Should I find alternate slugs, or use less? And are there too many references to grinning and laughing?)

“Down, boys,” she said with a grin. “I’m just straightening my clothes, not taking them off.”

“I’ll give you...” started one of the guys. He looked at Mark. “How much are we giving the strippers? I’ll give you five hundred to show us how you stripped in Vegas, Marie.”

She smiled and patted his face.

“No,” she said sweetly. Amidst the groans, Henry showed himself to be smarter than most.

“Well, you blew that,” he said. “Bet you anything if you’d asked her just ‘cause she’s so damn beautiful she’d have done it.”

“Bet I would have,” Marie said with a laugh. There was an immediate chorus of compliments and requests, getting a big grin.

“Too late,” she said. Their disappointment made her laugh again.

“Tell you what,” she said. “If the last-second strippers are, well, last second strippers, maybe I’ll save the day. Maybe. But only if they suck mightily.” (Again- should I remove the italics from the word "maybe?")

She turned out to be prescient. Mightily was exactly how the strippers sucked. There were two, one of whom had obviously been stripping for about five minutes and one of whom seemed to have been doing it since the Nixon administration. The younger one was good-looking, but so nervous she couldn’t bring herself to expose anything until she’d been dancing for three songs. And even then she looked more like a kid on a dare than a professional titillator. And while the older one was certainly more comfortable with her clothes off, I’m confident I speak for everyone when I say I almost wish she wasn’t.

Marie just watched through the stripping, a couple pretty poor naked dances, and the most half-assed pseudo-lesbian show I’ve ever seen. The girls had obviously not worked together before, and the older one clearly resented the necessity she just as clearly saw to spice things up by dancing with the pretty young thing. (Does the last sentence here make sense, or do I need to re-word it?)

The lap dances were too much for my girl, though. The older woman started kind of limply moving from lap to lap, chewing gum and looking bored and almost disgusted as she suggested that for a big enough tip, the guys could get a lot more of her. The younger girl again looked like a teenager on a dare, barely making contact with her fair-skinned, large-breasted, and very nice body as she danced for Henry and doing her best to hide her pretty green-eyed face behind her long chestnut hair. When the first song ended Marie moved to the chair we’d set up in the middle of the room for Henry and tapped him on the shoulder. (Third sentence. Too long? Re-written into two?)

(And again in this next stretch- too many "saids?" And should I lose the italics?)

“Let me take a turn, Mr. Henry,” she said. “You don’t mind dancing for a girl, do you, honey?”

“No,” the stripper said quietly.

“No?” Marie said, equally quietly, a teasing smile on her face. She took a seat as Henry moved off. “Look, everybody, it’s the world’s first shy stripper.”

The girl laughed,and only looked a little bit like she wanted to crawl into a hole. She started dancing near Marie, not quite in her lap. Marie grinned and reached out to pull her close by her hips.

“You’re not... you’re not supposed to touch me,” the girl said, putting out a hand to push herself away from Marie.

“The boys aren’t supposed to touch you, sweetie,” said Marie. “The rules are different for girls. What’s your name?”

“Rachel,” she said.

“Nice to meet you, Rachel. I’m Marie.” Marie grinned. “Now shake that pretty ass for me, girl.”

****

I had to search pretty hard to find a reasonably short piece that contained several of my concerns. Thanks in advance for any input.

-Ken

 

[snoopercharmbrights]

I have an idea. ... I'll ... ask for some advice. If this is a forum faux pas I'll apologize and pull it down.

That's fine - others do the same from time to time.

I'll just answer the questions, explanations on request.

i](Question: The italicized words in this paragraph. Should I leave them that way? Re-word the sentences? Just remove the italics?)[/i]

Remove the italics on "for", leave "Simple".

(Is the third sentence here just too long?)

No.

(This next bit- too many "saids?" Should I find alternate slugs, or use less? ...)

Yes. Omit some, use synonyms like "replied" "offered", "commented", etc.

(... And are there too many references to grinning and laughing?)

No.

(Again- should I remove the italics from the word "maybe?")

No.

(Does the last sentence here make sense, or do I need to re-word it?)

Only on third reading, so yes. Anything that makes the reader stop and go back is bad.

(Third sentence. Too long? Re-written into two?)

Just replace ".. Henry and doing ..." with "... Henry, doing ..."

(And again in this next stretch- too many "saids?" And should I lose the italics?)

See above for "said". Leave "boys" but change "shake".

 

[AsylumSeeker]

That's fine - others do the same from time to time.

I'll just answer the questions, explanations on request.

Remove the italics on "for", leave "Simple".

No.

Yes. Omit some, use synonyms like "replied" "offered", "commented", etc.

No.

No.

Only on third reading, so yes. Anything that makes the reader stop and go back is bad.

Just replace ".. Henry and doing ..." with "... Henry, doing ..."

See above for "said". Leave "boys" but change "shake".

Talk about multi-tasking, this makes my head spin!