Yet another first time writer seeking feedback

[w232]

Howdy,

My very first story is up finally. I have written some following chapters but I'd love some reassurance about my writing or whatever else you have to say

You can find my story here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=370327

Thanks!

W

 

[J.Q. Hack]

First time feedback

I think there are several areas in the story that could use some improvement. If you work on these areas the story will be much stronger.

I think the whole time frame of the story needs to be compressed or focus explicitly on one day or event. I think your story covers about a week yet it is his birthday that is the main event. You try to build up by talking about the other days but they come off as rushed or more like a written report. If you expanded those days to build up the anticipation it would be a better story.

You also should have more dialogue included in the story. If you want your characters to feel real or have the story move along more smoothly putting words in the characters' mouths helps.

I also noticed that a few times punctuation was missing. I saw this especially when a bit of dialogue was over. Each time a person is done speaking a comma is needed.

The only way to get better is to keep writing. If you have other stories ready to submit I'd suggest you go over them, read them out loud if necessary, and try to fix them up. They'll be stronger and I think you'll like them better when you are done.

J.Q.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

This is my first ever story so feedback is more than welcome. This story is largely the truth but has been slightly embellished with what I would have liked to have happened. This chapter covers our getting together.

No one will believe you and most people don't really care. In a long running series it might be appropriate to summarize the previous chapter but notes about how the story is "true" and what's going to happen aren't needed.

Everything about her is infinitely sexy and amazingly beautiful. She is very slim and around 5 foot 10 tall. Her hair is long and very dark but had a streak of blonde on her left side. Her eyes are brown and so deep I couldn't help looking into them. Me? I am a little bit taller at 6 foot and thin too.

With the exception of dates and times drop all numerals. As for height an weight those figures are pretty much meaningless. The lines "Everything about her is infinitely sexy and amazingly beautiful." and "Her hair is long and very dark but had a streak of blonde on her left side." sum up an introduction of the character wonderfully without making it seem like a visit to your physician.

A few places can use grammar work but pretty much everyone has someone edit or at least look over their stuff to catch stuff like that. Names are a nice touch and help readers identify with the characters; trust me on this one I tried to be clever on my first submission and not tell the readers what the character's names were until the characters knew, it didn't fly with a lot of people.

There are far far worse things out there. Keep going with this story, the plot is a wonderful set up and draws the reader in quickly. Best of luck.

 

[bwallard]

This is a totally weird story. My only serious objection is that it's too long. The best part about it is the weird character who's telling the story. He's so frantic he's gone random but he goes off on these riffs. I get a strong sense of this guy so totally horned out he's a bit illiterate.

You are playing around with our expectations of narrative, too. Things that should happen slow happen fast and vice versa.

it's an interesting presentation. I'll read another of yours, and hope very much it's much shorter and to some point.