Yes, It's me again...

[Brandii]

I have been doing a lot of reading on BDSM over the last couple of weeks as was suggested by some of the members on this site. I have read most of our library articles and have also spent a good deal of time reading articles on the Castlerealm site.

I read that it was a good idea for a sub to work out prior to committing herself to her Dom what she wanted from the relationship and what her needs (not wants) were.

This is what I came up with:

1. Continual open lines of communication. I start to feel insecure when I ask a question or tell my Dom something and don't here back from him within at least 36 hours.

2. His absolute acceptance of who I am both emotionally and physically at that point in time.

3. Consistancy. What he is today he will be tomorrow: that goes for his rules also.

4. Loyalty. Speaks for itself.

5. Protection. What I reveal photographically is for his eyes only.

and if we ever take this realtime:

His word that he will never intentionally physically harm me without my concent and some advance warning
and that he will never ask me to submit to him in a way that may cause me physical harm at the hands of another person.


Does anyone think that they are unreasonable requirements?

 

[Netzach]

To some people they will be completely reasonable and to others totally reasonable. It really only matters whether the person you're interested in is compatible, not what anyone else's judgement is.

 

[shy slave]

I agree with Net, but I also think it is really great that you have come up with this.

It is not about what anyone else thinks, but it does mean that when you talk to someone you are clear about what you are looking for.

As you talk to them you will figure out what are deal breakers and what are 'ideals,' and of course they can change.

I have spoken to Doms who ask 'what are you looking for' yet they either don't want to listen to the answer, or they are shocked if you know the answer!

You won't please all of them, but at least you know where you are in the scheme of things.

Incidentally I completely agree with your point about a response to communication.
If he wants to play domly games and not respond, he would be the wrong one for me.

I see it as ignorant or rude, unless there is genuine reason.

 

[Yang4yin]

To some people they will be completely reasonable and to others totally reasonable.

And some will think it's totally unreasonable.

Bottom line: it's up to the one's involved.

 

[Life_Noir]

I have been doing a lot of reading on BDSM over the last couple of weeks as was suggested by some of the members on this site. I have read most of our library articles and have also spent a good deal of time reading articles on the Castlerealm site.

I read that it was a good idea for a sub to work out prior to committing herself to her Dom what she wanted from the relationship and what her needs (not wants) were.

This is what I came up with:

1. Continual open lines of communication. I start to feel insecure when I ask a question or tell my Dom something and don't here back from him within at least 36 hours.

2. His absolute acceptance of who I am both emotionally and physically at that point in time.

3. Consistancy. What he is today he will be tomorrow: that goes for his rules also.

4. Loyalty. Speaks for itself.

5. Protection. What I reveal photographically is for his eyes only.

and if we ever take this realtime:

His word that he will never intentionally physically harm me without my concent and some advance warning
and that he will never ask me to submit to him in a way that may cause me physical harm at the hands of another person.


Does anyone think that they are unreasonable requirements?

Reasonable?.. Yup...Well... All but #3
A certain level of consistancy is to be demanded and expected... From either Dom/me OR sub..
But keep firmly in mind, Dom/mes are PEOPLE... And people change.
And number 2, *shrug* I don't even know any vanilla couples that manage that one. Remember the old joke about guys getting married and suddenly losing that ability to dress themselves??
I think ANY couple has a few reservations on both sides..

It's all reasonable as long as you keep in mind that a relationship is a relationship... Whether BDSM or not... And people are people.

With that in mind...Sounds good.. And good luck.

 

[Brandii]

I suppose what I'm trying to find out in this post is by the needs I've chosen am I still looking at the lifestyle through rose coloured glasses or am I being more realistic now?

I am one of these women that I read about from time to time that have an *overly romantized* idea of BDSM (and I realize that.)

In truth, A Dom to me is a replacement for the husband I am never going to have. An authority figure whose job it is to guide and protect me and hopefully even grow to love me someday. Someone stronger than me, more emotionally mature than me. Someone trustworthy. Someone I can lean on and confide in. Someone who knows me well enough to not only know where my buttons are, but how to push them to get the very best out of me.

This is probably not what most subs would be thinking but this is where I am at the moment. I'm just being honest here.

 

[shy slave]

Maybe I am asking too personal a question, but why do you say you will never have a husband?

 

[Brandii]

Maybe I am asking to personal a question, but why do you say you will never have a husband?

Because next January I will be 50 and I have never found a male who wanted me to belong to him EVER. That is one of the things I love about D/s I get to belong to someone even if its only for a little while.

 

[Softouch911]

I suppose what I'm trying to find out in this post is by the needs I've chosen am I still looking at the lifestyle through rose coloured glasses or am I being more realistic now?

I am one of these women that I read about from time to time that have an *overly romantized* idea of BDSM (and I realize that.)

In truth, A Dom to me is a replacement for the husband I am never going to have. An authority figure whose job it is to guide and protect me and hopefully even grow to love me someday. Someone stronger than me, more emotionally mature than me. Someone trustworthy. Someone I can lean on and confide in. Someone who knows me well enough to not only know where my buttons are, but how to push them to get the very best out of me.

This is probably not what most subs would be thinking but this is where I am at the moment. I'm just being honest here.

I think you do some men (tho not the "typical" which I take it you know too well) a disservice by thinking that, at 50, you'll not be able to uncover a man who would like to marry. But that's just me, perhaps.

More to the point of your question -- yes, it's very important for you to know what you need, and I think you've done an admirable job of coming up with a telling list. We know some of you, especially your fears, from such a list.

Again, the rest of this is just me, but -- it would take a while before I ever asked you "what are you looking for"? My first question to you, if we were discussing a serious D/s relationship, would be: "What do you have to offer?"

Submission is, after all, a role of service.

So my suggestion is, before you get into discussion, think about what services you are prepared to offer.

I know there will be people who will tell you, "All men want the same thing." All I can tell you is that they're lying. I know because I was looking for a very specific set of talents and skills. The only one of them that was even vaguely sexual, by the way, was "a strong libido."

As a general reference, have you read the articles on "Submissive Loving" at that web site? Excellent resources, and much more realistic, imo, than the ones at Castlerealm, since that is your purpose.

I hope I've been of some help.
ST

 

[shy slave]

Because next January I will be 50 and I have never found a male who wanted me to belong to him EVER. That is one of the things I love about D/s I get to belong to someone even if its only for a little while.

That makes sense, thank you for explaining.

Next month I am 40, i do know what you mean

 

[Brandii]

"What do I have to offer a prospective Dom?"

Let me just lock away my negative self image for an hour or so and think on that.

Good question though. I'll try to come up with a list.

 

[Brandii]

Q. What do I have to offer to a D/s relationship?

A. These following things are part of my personality so naturally I would bring them to any D/s relationship I am part of:

*Intelligence ( when I'm not rushing off half cocked with irrational impulsiveness)
*Playfulness of spirit
*A desire to avoid anything mundane and boring
*Imagination
*A deep desire to please ( although that is most likely because I want men to want to keep me around them for as long as possible)
*A deep desire for acceptance and to belong (to anything or anyone of obvious importance to me)
* Compassion
* Affection
* Loyalty

I didn't put Obedience among my attributes as I know myself too well to include that.

At first I'll obey for one of three reasons and only one has to do with the Dom himself:
- it amuses me to obey him
- its something that I myself want to do or try
- or three, he threatens me with something that causes me to do exactly as I'm told. To date that has been the threat of the immediate loss of my Dom FOREVER. B used to do that to me and the very thought of loss of him used to pull me up on a dime. I have very deep seated rejection issues and if I think he means it then I don't think there is anything I won't do for him. Unfortunately, I lost him anyway through no fault of his or mine.

As the relationship grows, I should imagine I will obey a new Sir because I sense that it pleases him; and because I care about him his happiness and pleasure will become linked to my own.

 

[Netzach]

And some will think it's totally unreasonable.

Bottom line: it's up to the one's involved.

Why yes, I do speak typo! Thanks for articulating what I actually meant.

 

[Brandii]

and passion.. I forgot passion.

I'm like a volcano which sits waiting, ready to erupt.

 

[Life_Noir]

Q. What do I have to offer to a D/s relationship?

A. These following things are part of my personality so naturally I would bring them to any D/s relationship I am part of:

*Intelligence ( when I'm not rushing off half cocked with irrational impulsiveness)
*Playfulness of spirit
*A desire to avoid anything mundane and boring
*Imagination
*A deep desire to please ( although that is most likely because I want men to want to keep me around them for as long as possible)
*A deep desire for acceptance and to belong (to anything or anyone of obvious importance to me)
* Compassion
* Affection
* Loyalty

I didn't put Obedience among my attributes as I know myself too well to include that.

At first I'll obey for one of three reasons and only one has to do with the Dom himself:
- it amuses me to obey him
- its something that I myself want to do or try
- or three, he threatens me with something that causes me to do exactly as I'm told. To date that has been the threat of the immediate loss of my Dom FOREVER. B used to do that to me and the very thought of loss of him used to pull me up on a dime. I have very deep seated rejection issues and if I think he means it then I don't think there is anything I won't do for him. Unfortunately, I lost him anyway through no fault of his or mine.

As the relationship grows, I should imagine I will obey a new Sir because I sense that it pleases him; and because I care about him his happiness and pleasure will become linked to my own.

It's a hard thing to quantify isn't it?
But THAT sounds pretty damned good...

 

[Life_Noir]

and passion.. I forgot passion.

I'm like a volcano which sits waiting, ready to erupt.

*grin*

Ditto from the above.......

 

[catalina_francisco]

Because next January I will be 50 and I have never found a male who wanted me to belong to him EVER. That is one of the things I love about D/s I get to belong to someone even if its only for a little while.

Don't sell yourself short just yet....my sister was past 50 when she married for the first time and they are still happy as clams.....and a Dom can also marry their sub, mine did.

Catalina

 

[Softouch911]

Brandii,

what a lovely list! Thank you for sharing it. If I may ask a couple of new questions -- if not, please ignore:

Aren't these actually the same things many times?

*A deep desire to please ( although that is most likely because I want men to want to keep me around them for as long as possible)
*A deep desire for acceptance and to belong (to anything or anyone of obvious importance to me)

And, in addition to that, I (if I were considering) would immediately want to know what you meant by "pleasing"? How do you like to do that?

Do you mean "just" sex? Do you make good coffee? Are you a domestic servant? Do you have good organizational skills -- can you run a household? do secretarial in a business? Are you mechanical? How good are your computer skills? Are you good at socializing? A good conversationalist? What sort of topics and issues do you stay up to date on?

And so on.

My point is this -- no, you don't have to like housework or be able to put a lawnmower together -- but a real life dominant will want someone who enjoys actually living with him.

Let me make it personal: I looked, of course, for a girl who looked at BDSM the way I do and enjoyed the same sort of play that I do; but I also wanted someone who would complement/supplement my own skills and ideas, and someone who would be fun to be around.

Sure, sex would be great 24 hours straight, but the fact is that once I get to 17 hours I sort of tire, ashamed to say. So there's 7 hours left ... whadda y'gonna do?

Again, the question isn't what CAN you do, but what do you WANT to do as the service that will please -- your submission should give pleasure to you both, not just to him. You may be willing to give up your own likes much of the time, as an act of submissive will, but over the long haul a wise master wants you to be content, at least, happy if possible.

Respectfully, Prof. Joe

 

[Ebonyfire]

I have been doing a lot of reading on BDSM over the last couple of weeks as was suggested by some of the members on this site. I have read most of our library articles and have also spent a good deal of time reading articles on the Castlerealm site.

I read that it was a good idea for a sub to work out prior to committing herself to her Dom what she wanted from the relationship and what her needs (not wants) were.

This is what I came up with:

1. Continual open lines of communication. I start to feel insecure when I ask a question or tell my Dom something and don't here back from him within at least 36 hours.

2. His absolute acceptance of who I am both emotionally and physically at that point in time.

3. Consistancy. What he is today he will be tomorrow: that goes for his rules also.

4. Loyalty. Speaks for itself.

5. Protection. What I reveal photographically is for his eyes only.

and if we ever take this realtime:

His word that he will never intentionally physically harm me without my concent and some advance warning
and that he will never ask me to submit to him in a way that may cause me physical harm at the hands of another person.


Does anyone think that they are unreasonable requirements?

No, but I think you should be more specific.

Eb

 

[nh23]

Q. What do I have to offer to a D/s relationship?

A. These following things are part of my personality so naturally I would bring them to any D/s relationship I am part of:

*Intelligence ( when I'm not rushing off half cocked with irrational impulsiveness)
*Playfulness of spirit
*A desire to avoid anything mundane and boring
*Imagination
*A deep desire to please ( although that is most likely because I want men to want to keep me around them for as long as possible)
*A deep desire for acceptance and to belong (to anything or anyone of obvious importance to me)
* Compassion
* Affection
* Loyalty

I didn't put Obedience among my attributes as I know myself too well to include that.

At first I'll obey for one of three reasons and only one has to do with the Dom himself:
- it amuses me to obey him
- its something that I myself want to do or try
- or three, he threatens me with something that causes me to do exactly as I'm told. To date that has been the threat of the immediate loss of my Dom FOREVER. B used to do that to me and the very thought of loss of him used to pull me up on a dime. I have very deep seated rejection issues and if I think he means it then I don't think there is anything I won't do for him. Unfortunately, I lost him anyway through no fault of his or mine.

As the relationship grows, I should imagine I will obey a new Sir because I sense that it pleases him; and because I care about him his happiness and pleasure will become linked to my own.

It sounds to me like you have a very good head on your shoulders. The only thing that sort of worries me is when you say "a deep desire to please (although that is most likely because i want men to keep me around them for as long as possible)
I don't know everyones take on being submissive, but for me it makes me happy to please my Dom. Even if it's something i don't want to do, I'm happy that i can do it for him. By pleasing someone just to keep them around.. well i'm just afraid that you will end up very hurt in the long run. Reading your posts it's obvious as you stated yourself that you have some issues with self esteem. (Don't we all..lol) But sometimes people who beat themselves up all the time end up making unwise decisions which ends up with a very short lived happiness. You seem to be a very intelligent woman and i'm sure that you have a lot to offer. You need to see that for yourself. Do something that gets your self esteem back to where it should be. I can't tell you what may do that for you..it's different for us all. But i really want you to realize how wonderful and beautiful you are, and see how much happier you can be. I've kind of went off on a rant here, i guess i'm just saying i hope your not turning to BDSM for the wrong reasons. It's a wonderful lifestyle, don't get me wrong. I just want to be sure your entering into it because it's what you desire in your heart. Good Luck!

 

[Brandii]

Brandii,

what a lovely list! Thank you for sharing it. If I may ask a couple of new questions -- if not, please ignore:

Aren't these actually the same things many times?

No. Not at all. A deep desire to please a man is a *giving* action which I bestow on the receiver. I can and have given pleasure (once) without any expectation of anything from him at all.
Whereas my deep desire for acceptance and belonging is a *taking* action. It's something I want the person to give to me in order for me to feel secure.

As for skills: I am a Coordinator/ Supervisor in an Aged Care home. I have excellent communication skills, people skills and can coordinate and run my department with quiet efficiency. I lead and educate my staff using example rather than standover tactics.
As for cooking skills: my packet jellies (gello in the US) take two days to set.