Yes, I'm Nilla, but nonjudgemental and have a question

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

Cym has helped me become nonjudgemental and corrected a lot of hollywood sterotypes whichare all I really had of anything BDSM. for that I am incredibly thank ful she is a great lady and friend.

Ok, now to my question.

Can a sub female train a her man to be the Dom she needs?

I am truely curious about this.

vice versa as well, can a sub male train his woman to be the Domme he needs?

thanks you very much for your time.

Please don't hurt me to badly.

 

[KillerMuffin]

Todd-o, the appropriate way to address me is on your knees, your head on my feet and begging my permission to speak. You are to refer to me as Mistress Muffin at all times.










In all seriousness, though, you're not going to get hurt here. I won't let them if they even wanted to try.

 

[MissTaken]

Todd?

Ummmm wanna take part in an experiment concerning your hypothesis? *smirks*


Basically, seriously,

if the couple has been together and both have complimentary needs, they might learn together. It is difficult for a sub to approach her partner and say, "Hey! I want you to Dom me!" I rather expect that when this becomes successful, the couple has already engaged in enough kink to open the field to many questions and research.

But, what do I know? I am sitting here all by myself!

 

[cellis]

Cym has helped me become nonjudgemental and corrected a lot of hollywood sterotypes whichare all I really had of anything BDSM. for that I am incredibly thank ful she is a great lady and friend.

Ok, now to my question.

Can a sub female train a her man to be the Dom she needs?

I am truely curious about this.

vice versa as well, can a sub male train his woman to be the Domme he needs?

thanks you very much for your time.

Please don't hurt me to badly.

Todd...

That is an excellent question and one that has been asked several times in the past.

Basically you cannot make someone what they are not.

If someone does not have a submissive personality, does not crave to sub, then you cannot make you mate submissive. See it is something that is inherent in our personalities... It is a need that has to be met. If someone does have that need, then to try and force them to submit becomes abuse and violates the three tenets of BDSM: Safe, Sane and Consensual.

By the same token, if someone is not dominate, then nothing you can so or do will make them such.

 

[SpectreT]

Hm. Interesting question, Todd-ster.

To a certain extent, I believe it may be possible. You can't change someone's basic character, so if she's 'nilla, she's likely to stay that way, but in a limited capacity, we teach others how to treat us in our everyday interactions.

If she's curious and interested, chances are you can point her in the direction of your idea of fun; but she's also likely to find her own , too. Both parties in a relationship tend to flow and blend into each other over time. You might not like certain play activities, but if she does, you'll probably go along, and even find yourself enjoying them as your experience evolves. She'll also likely indulge your favorite activities, for similar reasons.

It's the relationship that's important. How you grow it, and in what directions, is up to both of you.

cellis is right, though. It's something that's either inside and waiting to be grown, or it's not there.(edited repeatedly for spelling)

 

[lilredwolph]

hmmm, How very interesting

That this should come up at this moment in time. I have a friend, one of my best friends, that is as 'nilla as the day is long, he makes Nilla wafers look like Chocolate Bon Bon's. Him and I know each other very well, and he knows all about my kink, knows it but doesn't "get" it. We had a disagreement of sorts yesterday, due to I have gone back into a D/s relationship with somebody I have been on and off with for 15 yrs. My friend feels I should be able to teach him to Dom me or that I should just be able to flick a switch and Domme him. I have tried to explain to him that #1 I can't teach him anything that isn't already there and #2 the level of trust needed also isn't there #3 if #1 & #2 are added up my Needs do not get met. So for this I am "a selfish bitch", and I just want my cake and eat it too. I just can't get it through his thick 'nilla encrusted head that I am personally unable to teach somebody to Dom for me, it is just something that comes naturally, and that even though I have a Dominate personality I do NOT find any desire to Domme for his curiosity, and without the desire/need I just can't do it.

I don't think it is possible to teach someone to need, JMPO.

 

[Todd-'o'-Vision]

I guess what i am getting at is that the submissive's partner is willing to give the Dom lifestyle a try, out of love, caring respect for his partner and thier needs.

but they are unsure of themselves as in how to act what to do, is it then possible for the submissive to train thier Dom in those ways of safe sane consensual somship to meet the submissives needs and the partners yearning to become dom for thier partner/lifemate.

did that make any sense?

 

[SpectreT]

Sort of, although it made my brain itch and I had to read it a couple of times.

Todd-man, there's hundreds of thousands of ways to express D/s (Just had a chuckle.. DX Express! ), some sexual, some done in public with no one else knowing about it. Dominance takes a desire to lead, an imagination, and a good idea of what one's sub likes/dislikes/is willing to put up with. Empathy, alertness, and a keen awareness of one's partner's mental and physical state are pretty good to have, too.

Being pushy helps, too.

So the best answer I can give is the one the computers gave in the Isaac Asimov's story The Last Question: THERE IS AS YET INSUFFICIENT DATA FOR A MEANINGFUL ANSWER.

Sorry, man. Have to dot the T's and cross the I's to get a better one out of me. Maybe somone else has an idea.

 

[Merelan]

okay. Here goes.

I am married, you all know that. To a loving and caring and incredible man. Ask me, I will tell you.

I am submissive, so much so it hurts sometimes. Because....

He is not Dom and has a very hard time telling me not to write a check, much less anything more personal. Everything I do is fine and lovely and perfect in his eyes. (I have him so bamboozled!)

But... you knew there was one, or two...

I want, crave, need submissiveness. In my day job I am the boss, the decision maker, the one who tells people what to do and how to do and they damn well better do it. But that's not the me inside. The one who only wishes to love and serve my beloveds.

So, thanks to Lit, and much, much help from my sweet Lady Hecate, he is trying to learn, and I am teaching him. To be a little "pushier", more demanding, not bossy or mean. (He couldn't be if his life depended on it.) But to push me to do things, feel things, try things I would not on my own.
To learn I am not china, I will not break if he gets a tad rough, or demanding. In fact, I grow stronger the more he makes me do things. No, no whips, chains, no spankings even.(Except once which was a dismal failure. He cried after the second one.)

He loves me enough to listen to me, learn what I want and try it. maybe work, maybe not. But in his trying he shows me yet again, how much he loves and cherishs me. It has brough us so much closer, so much more itno the "us" we were when we first discovered each other.

Does this help?

Then again Todd, if you are willing to learn.....


Sigh. Killermuffin and Miss Taken beat me to it I see.

 

[RisiaSkye]

I think if the person is willing to experiment and to learn what works for both parties, then most anything is possible. The likelihood of the submissive partner helping to steer the Dom/me is no greater or less, in my view, than the Dom/me training the sub. If they have it in them, if they're interested, and if both parties keep the lines of communication open--it can work.

I'm more experienced than my husband, with whom I've been involved for nine years. When we started exploring BDSM together, I took the submissive role as it was more comfortable for him and it was familiar for me. Because I was more experienced, and had put more thought and reading into the subject, I took a hand in guiding him through his own exploration of the power shift. I don't think that undercut the power exchange so much as kept it from going too far too fast, allowing him a chance to find his own Dom style and figure out what worked for him. It also gave him a chance to learn my limits and needs.

Now that I'm growing as a Domme (when I'm on that side of the flogger), he still looks to me for ideas because I'm still more experienced and more versed in what's out there. But, he's developing his own thoughts, fantasies and desires as well. We're going through this together, and he's "steering" me as a Dominant as much as I guide him into his submission.

That's why it's an exchange of power, n'est-ce pas?

Nice to see you joining the conversation, Todd. Grab a seat and get comfy--I hope you'll be around for a while.

 

[WriterDom]

Anything is possible, but getting a totally vanilla partner to convert is only slightly more successful than getting a pro linebacker to take your pickle up his virgin ass.

 

[morninggirl5]

I think the success or failure in this situation will depend solely on the people involved. If the partner is totally nilla and views oral sex (yeah, i know people like that) as kinky, WD characterized the chances of success pretty acurately.

On the other hand, if the partner is receptive, open to being "creative" and non-judgemental, the chances are much better. If the sub partner has picked up on some dominant tendencies that his/her partner hasn't recognized yet, the chances are probably pretty good.

I believe the communication between the couple involved, as well as the depth of their commitment to making their relationship work might be the ultimate key, however.

 

[KillerMuffin]

You are what you are.

You're either Nilla or you're BDSM.

You can be a Nilla who dabbles in BDSM stuff or a BDSM that dabbles in Nilla stuff.

You can't be both and when you're either one or the other.

A sub or Dom can teach their Nilla partner to do BDSM things. You can't teach them to be BDSM.

 

[WriterDom]

You are what you are.

You're either Nilla or you're BDSM.

You can be a Nilla who dabbles in BDSM stuff or a BDSM that dabbles in Nilla stuff.

.

I disagree. There are nillas who would rather eat a mile long turd than give two seconds consideration to dabbling in bdsm. And while I'd say that 50% of women have submissive desires and tendencies, many men wont consider taking a Dom role. And on the flip side of Female Domme/male sub it's even worse. You are either open to bdsm stuff or you aren't. If you are open to the party, you are one of us. If not, your nilla.

 

[KillerMuffin]

So someone who does a BDSM style scene every other year or so is BDSM?

I see BDSM as a lifestyle, not a kink. You can be open to it and not be it. Being sub or dom or switch is like being straight or gay or bisexual. You either are or you aren't. You can play at it if you're not, but that doesn't make you what you're not.

I'm open to Korean culture. I'm versed in it. I speak the language. I know the history. I can make the food. I'm not Korean.

I'm open to gay men like you wouldn't believe. I'm not a gay man. I'm not even really gay.

I'm open to BDSM myself. We've done a BDSM kind of thing a few times in the past 13 years. I am not BDSM.

 

[WriterDom]

Our tent is pretty wide. There are Masters and slaves, Doms and subs, Tops and bottoms. There are those who play once a year. There are those that peek under the tent.

There are many more who see us as freaks. Can a couple bend to meet each others needs? Of course. But I don't have much faith in converting a partner after the fact.

 

[DVS]

I can see a Domme swinging the flogger with a big swack and the sub saying "ouch". Then the Domme says, "Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie, did I hurt you?" It tends to lose the feeling of the scene.

I also agree it will be someone going through the motions, and not truly into it, IF they weren't into it in the first place. But, that depends on the person, and the role. I agree most women will be more likely submissive than dominant, and still be vanilla.

But, there are many women who are dominant in their day to day lives and very submissive in their sex lives. Many of them don't even know it, until it is brought out of them.

 

[DVS]

That's some nose, Todd. You are going to turn the women on with that one.

 

[James Blandings]

I guess what i am getting at is that the submissive's partner is willing to give the Dom lifestyle a try, out of love, caring respect for his partner and thier needs.

but they are unsure of themselves as in how to act what to do, is it then possible for the submissive to train thier Dom in those ways of safe sane consensual somship to meet the submissives needs and the partners yearning to become dom for thier partner/lifemate.

did that make any sense?

Doms can certainly learn techniques from more experienced subs. let's not pretend that any of the activities we engage in are somehow so mystical that they can not be readily learned. If a sub knows a knot, of course they can show their partner how to tie it. If they know from experience how pacing a scene gets them off, of course they can impart that to the Dom.
But you can not teach desire, as someone has already said, and you can not teach the mindset that makes the application of techniques work to maximim effect.

 

[James Blandings]

So someone who does a BDSM style scene every other year or so is BDSM?

I see BDSM as a lifestyle, not a kink. You can be open to it and not be it. Being sub or dom or switch is like being straight or gay or bisexual. You either are or you aren't. You can play at it if you're not, but that doesn't make you what you're not.

I'm open to Korean culture. I'm versed in it. I speak the language. I know the history. I can make the food. I'm not Korean.

I'm open to gay men like you wouldn't believe. I'm not a gay man. I'm not even really gay.

I'm open to BDSM myself. We've done a BDSM kind of thing a few times in the past 13 years. I am not BDSM.

I would not disrespect your self-image, but I have to disagree. Your analogy to straight/gay/bi is flawed IMO. A person who "plays" at homosexual activities is, by my definition bisexual. If they only engage in same sex activities once a year, they are still bisexual, whether they self identify as such or not.
And I do define those who occasionally play at BDSM activities as being BDSM. To say they must practice it as a "lifestyle" raises the question of what constitutes said lifestyle. There are those who would say that anything short of TPE is not a lifestyle, while others who go to 2 spanko parties a year firmly believe they are in the lifestyle.
I prefer to err on the side of inclusiveness, and so define the term BDSM very braodly, although I certainly respect the right of others to define themselves by their own standards.
On a personal note, I would like to commend your very thoughtful participation in the discussions on this board.

 

[Ebonyfire]

James you have done it again...

I would not disrespect your self-image, but I have to disagree. Your analogy to straight/gay/bi is flawed IMO. A person who "plays" at homosexual activities is, by my definition bisexual. If they only engage in same sex activities once a year, they are still bisexual, whether they self identify as such or not.
And I do define those who occasionally play at BDSM activities as being BDSM. To say they must practice it as a "lifestyle" raises the question of what constitutes said lifestyle. There are those who would say that anything short of TPE is not a lifestyle, while others who go to 2 spanko parties a year firmly believe they are in the lifestyle.
I prefer to err on the side of inclusiveness, and so define the term BDSM very braodly, although I certainly respect the right of others to define themselves by their own standards.
On a personal note, I would like to commend your very thoughtful participation in the discussions on this board.

I expecially like when you said you prefer to err on th eside of inclusiveness.

I believe that is very important here. Literotica is after a sex list and some would even call it a porn site. That means it is not really devoted to the discussion of BDSM, but more of sex in all of it's forms provided consenting adults are involved.

This thread is an offshoot of the whole site, and will have a lot more people whose primary focus is sexual gratification. It will also have a lot of people who know very little about BDSM.

I also like to define BDSM broadly, so I balk when others on this thread make light of the fact my kink may not fit into their narrow definition of what constitutes domination and submission.

I welcome all discussion on this broad topic provided every person is allowed to voice their own views without ridicule and flaming.

You always cut to the heart of the matter, even when you disagree with a person's views. I always get a lot from your posts.

As I have said before, "You da man!"

Ebony