X-Men: Evolution 2 (feedback welcome)

[Phoenix646]

my first story

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=50441


the second and newest one

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=73669

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Maybe someone else should give you feedback because I haven't kept on on my X-men like I should, I guess, and there's little point to reading celebrity erotica if you don't already know something about the celebrities. I think I remember Rogue, and remember that she was sexy as hell. But that's what makes celebrity erotica sp simple; we already know what the people look like and probably have already had our own fantasies. Not much left for the author to do.

You've got a lot of spell-checker errors. "She ran her fingers trew her hair" instead of "through" her hair, and you've got a lot of mixed tenses where you use present and past tense in the same sentence. Things like "She tells him goodbye and looked him in the eye." (I made that up; I don't recall particular examples)

Maybe more hardcore X-men fans could give you more feedback. All I can say is that I lost interest pretty quickly. Sorry.

---dr.M.

 

[Phoenix646]

which one did find the mistakes in, the first or second story?

Because I was foolish enough to submit the first one without having it edited.