WT: Finding/Choosing Partners

[FungiUg]

Due to the overwhelming reponse from people volunteering to start the next thread (i.e. no one), it looks like it's me again.

So this time, I picked the following topic:

How do you choose the right partner rather than allow excitement or desperation cloud your perception with every available sub or Dom/me. (How to find a suitable partner?)

Now I've been involved with D/s play now for several years, and I still haven't worked this one out. So let's all muck in and let other people in on our secrets to success (or horror stories of failure, as the case may be.)

I do have some additional questions in this regard. Namely, is finding a partner different for Dom/mes versus subs? Do switches get to pick and choose? Do checklists help? How many people use safe calls for initial meetings or initial play sessions? How many people end up with non-BDSM partners?

 

[WriterDom]

Oh, I thought you were going to pass it to someone. I'll do it next week if no one else wants it.

 

[dragonlace]

Actually for me.....

The right person found me, i was just being myself and the right person happened into my life. Sometimes i think its easier to let it happen than try to "find" the right person. Sometimes people just have that special spark that touches you somewhere inside(usually when you least expect it) and then its easy to let go and just be...at least for me anyways.

 

[FungiUg]

Oh, I thought you were going to pass it to someone. I'll do it next week if no one else wants it.

You're on.

 

[FungiUg]

The right person found me, i was just being myself and the right person happened into my life. Sometimes i think its easier to let it happen than try to "find" the right person.

Oddly enough, that's exactly what happened with meeting my partner.

Okay, a little background. My partner and lover is not into BDSM as such. She does enjoy sex play of many varieties, and she is bisexual.

When I began to get into BDSM (after she and I had already met), we went through a period of evaluation, deciding on whether we could make a long term relationship work. Knowing that neither she nor I can submit to each other, and knowing that she doesn't really have the fascination or drive towards D/s, and yet knowing that we loved each other and wanted there to be some way to make it work.

After some soul searching and some rather hard conversations, including some counselling, we settled on the threesome approach, and what I call a "semi-open relationship". It's not ideal, because there are some things she will not get involved with that I would like to experiment with. Also, it is much much harder to find a willling woman to be a sexual partner for a couple. And yet, the thrill of being able to SHOW her the fun of D/s was worth it all.

Of course, most people want a relationship of their own. Despite the natural human desire to play with many people, most people also have a drive to "settle down" with one person. In a way, this is what I had done myself, so I can hardly blame anyone else for wanting the same. But that makes it difficult to do more than one-off play sessions.

My dream is to find someone who perhaps has her own relationship, but needs more, and will enjoy serving us to give her that. I've yet to find that woman.

So I guess there's a lesson in there for me: that any partnership will involve challenges and limitations. And yet there is this whole drive within me to possess a woman's sexuality, and that remains unfulfilled. So I am both happy and frustrated at the same time. The wonderful irony of life!

In the mean time, I can only focus on just getting on with my life. If the opportunity for a D/s partner comes along, of course I will leap at it. But BDSM is not the sole element of my life, nor is it my lifestyle. I shall wait for the right person to "turn up". There's no guarantee that they will, but that won't make my life a bad thing either way.

I decided some time ago that I didn't want to have to "sneak around" on my partner. I haven't entirely lived up to that, but it's a work-in-progress. For me, the whole point of having a partner is someone I can share everything with. It hasn't entirely worked out that way: we do have our differences, and that seems a healthier approach. Yet in the important ways she IS my partner, and any solution that excludes her won't work for me long term.

So... I practice pretend patience.

 

[LadyNatasha]

My husband and I met 'on accident' really. We're both gamer geeks, love MMO's (online roleplaying games) and were playing Star Wars Galaxies. He joined my guild after our first meeting (where I yelled at him for being an idiot), and things progressed from there. Started out very vanilla til we began talking and picked up on certain clues from one another. Then the talk got REALLY interesting and we took it to a higher level. From there we decided we should meet in person, he came to visit for 9 days and we got an apartment together while he was here... He went home, made arrangements to move in and the rest is history. We got married last October and now have a gorgeous little girl together. =)

 

[Aeroil]

My husband and I met 'on accident' really. We're both gamer geeks, love MMO's (online roleplaying games) and were playing Star Wars Galaxies. He joined my guild after our first meeting (where I yelled at him for being an idiot), and things progressed from there. Started out very vanilla til we began talking and picked up on certain clues from one another. Then the talk got REALLY interesting and we took it to a higher level. From there we decided we should meet in person, he came to visit for 9 days and we got an apartment together while he was here... He went home, made arrangements to move in and the rest is history. We got married last October and now have a gorgeous little girl together. =)

And who says that Video games don't help people .
I think that's actually a very nice story.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Interesting and good question, but before being to answer this question the fists thing any person should do is answer another question. What am I looking for, what is what I want from a partner. Are you looking for someone to scene with or are you looking for a soul mate.

I am a methodical person and believe that it is best to have a methodical approach to finding a partner. Using and defining a methodology can helps you achieve consistent results which are reproducible.

I think we need to differentiate between finding a partner on the internet and finding a partner in the club scene. To me the club scene has always been the place to find play partners. It is easy convenient and safe, it is not much harder than going to a bar and picking or being picked up by a sexually compatible partner. I could argue that it is even easer since things are open and honest in the club scene not much space, patience or time for BS. This is not really a methodical approach more a lets go and have fun approach. Do not expect to find your soul mate but go out looking for fun and fun will find you and sometimes that what you are not looking for will find you anyway.

On the internet I am more for a standard methodology, this is the one I have used to find Catalina. I believe that if you want something you have to look for it. Translated this means that if you are looking for a sub then go actively looking for one, if you are looking for a dominant go actively looking for one. It is all very well and good to have an add and wait responses but then you do not know what kind of persons are going to respond to your add and especially women get blasted by obnoxious and disgusting emails which complete seem to miss any connection wit reality.

First create a checklist of what has to be in a add for it to be attractive. In my checklist I included things as age, profession and education give each of your items a value from one to 10. Then use your checklist to see if the add you have found is compatible.

If you are going to respond to a persons add be very honest do not lie about things as age or family circumstances, if you have a child be honest about it, if there is a medical issue inform the other party. If you are looking for a life partner be very clear from the start, do not waste your time or the other person’s time.

Tell what you are looking for and what you are looking for in a Dominant, ask questions, be explicit and direct, but always respectful.

Francisco.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

... but before being to answer this question the fists thing any person should do ...

Francisco.

Interesting double Freudian slip 'Cisco.

[hijack]i get this image of you as Chevy Chase in "Caddyshack" telling kittycat to

"be the fist"

while you made that "NUN-Nun-nun-nun-nun-nun-nuh" sound.[/hijack]

Agree otherwise with your intent under the slip and the remainder of your post.

 

[catalina_francisco]

See this is what happens when I do not have my editor available.

Francisco.

 

[AngelicAssassin]

See this is what happens when I do not have my editor available.

Francisco.

i enjoyed the imagery provided by the slip.

If you take it down the silly road a little further, i can see a BDSM Cinderella story unfold ... trying to choose a partner by how well the fist fits.

 

[catalina_francisco]

i enjoyed the imagery provided by the slip.

If you take it down the silly road a little further, i can see a BDSM Cinderella story unfold ... trying to choose a partner by how well the fist fits.

Now that is method which could be a lot of fun.

Francisco.

 

[WriterDom]

When I have my active sonar on, chat works best better than any other method. Just remember a few things. If she is submissive, she Wants to submit. Don’t try browbeating her into submission. Chances are, that has already been tried before and you’ll get placed in her asshole file. And don’t ask for her picture in the first 5 minutes. Let her broach the looks question first.

That’s really all you are doing with a personal ad. Casting a big net for chat opportunities. With some built in filtering of the characteristics you are seeking.

Once a dialog is opened, the next logical progression is the telephone. Here also, I think the Dom needs to proceed with some degree of caution. Rather than asking in the beginning I would say something like “You know, I’d really like to talk on the phone after we get to know each other better, and you feel comfortable about it.”

And move slowly about meeting as well. It’s a game. Like catching a fish. Except you are fishing for fish that want to be in the boat with you. I can see the flames coming for dehumanizing subs. I’m not talking predatory behavior here, or suggesting that all is fair in love. I do practice, and demand honesty from the beginning.

 

[catalina_francisco]

i enjoyed the imagery provided by the slip.

If you take it down the silly road a little further, i can see a BDSM Cinderella story unfold ... trying to choose a partner by how well the fist fits.

LOL, and it fits very well. ..the fist that is.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

One word of caution that I would strongly make is whatever you do, do not "settle" for someone.

You know, the impulse when you are lonely and horny to just grab ANYONE as a partner.

Don't do it! It's okay for a one off, or even perhaps a bonk-buddy, but not for a partner.

A partner should be someone who you WANT as a partner, because it's that kind of fit that enables a partnership to survive. Settling for someone who isn't really what you want is a recipe for a lot of heart-ache.

So make sure you know what you want in a partner, and don't settle for less.

 

[Miss Diva]

One word of caution that I would strongly make is whatever you do, do not "settle" for someone.

You know, the impulse when you are lonely and horny to just grab ANYONE as a partner.

Don't do it! It's okay for a one off, or even perhaps a bonk-buddy, but not for a partner.

A partner should be someone who you WANT as a partner, because it's that kind of fit that enables a partnership to survive. Settling for someone who isn't really what you want is a recipe for a lot of heart-ache.

So make sure you know what you want in a partner, and don't settle for less.

Great Advice FungiUg. I did just that. I was not working and lonely and decided to submit (in scenes only) to someone I really was not into. I recently broke it up and am very happy now and back on the search. I learn alot of course obout me and my need to submit.

 

[AnelizeDarkEyes]

Well, I found JM when I wasn't really looking. I had an ad over on b.com, and had met a few people through that, but nothing that really interested me. I was happy in a very casual, and very mellow poly vanilla arrangement with some dear friends. Finding a life partner was the last thing on my mind.

Then life got interesting

I find that posting in fora, wherever they may be, is something that is far more valuable than any ad you may have when it comes to meeting people. I post here, and I post on b.com. I've met some interesting and special people both places, and we all know that I met the man who owns me, and who I married through the fora here. People get to know you through your words. I ran a search on everything he said before I ever PMd him. I'm ..... geeky that way LOL.

But it gave us something to talk about in that first PM, and one thing led to another.

I find it far more interesting than an ad....what people have to say.

My two cents,

Anelize

 

[arctic-stranger]

i met magalie on line here. I posted an ad, that i just wanted an intelligent person to talk to, and to learn more about my own desires vis a vis bdsm. She answered, and we talked...a lot.

i begin to realize that i felt something for her. and she felt something for me. our talk got more and more serious. then i found out that a) she knew the difference between monet and manet (these things are important to me) b) she knew who abelard and Heloise were, c) she was willing to move to alaska, d) the more serious i got, the more serious she got with me, and e) she was willing to do anything i said, and willing to let me learn to be a Dom with her.

We managed to meet for a long weekend, whch is no small feat considering i live more than 4000 miles from her. but we managed. And it was beyond belief...better than i expected. betther than either of us expected.

so that left us, leaves us, in a strange place. We want to be together, but that will NOT be easy. right now there are a host of impediements in our way, but we are trying to work through them. she is in new york, i am in alaska. we are both in relationships and we both have children. mine are older.

so we will see where it goes. and how long it takes.

 

[catalina_francisco]

One word of caution that I would strongly make is whatever you do, do not "settle" for someone.

You know, the impulse when you are lonely and horny to just grab ANYONE as a partner.

Don't do it! It's okay for a one off, or even perhaps a bonk-buddy, but not for a partner.

A partner should be someone who you WANT as a partner, because it's that kind of fit that enables a partnership to survive. Settling for someone who isn't really what you want is a recipe for a lot of heart-ache.

So make sure you know what you want in a partner, and don't settle for less.

Wise words, and happens more often than most realise. Throughout my time of doing relationship counselling, it was amazing the high percentage of times the story went along the lines of meeting, not really clicking, not knowing how to politely get out of it, then deciding to go permanent because there was nothing better presenting itself. Duh, if you are busy in a relationship (even one that isn't working) it lessens the chances of finding someone else who might fit well and be the one for you.

Then when I decided after 14 years as a single mother I was ready to seriously apply myself to finding the one for me, I came up against the same mentality again from friends and co-workers. In those days I didn't visit discussion boards and such and just advertised for what I was looking for and hoping to find in a relationship sense. Often I would have coffee with prospective men during my lunch break..in broad daylight and public. Seemed the women I worked with thought it was scandalous, and heartless as well because if there was a definate sign it was not going to be worth pursuing further as a romantic/BDSM possibility, I offered friendship if I liked them enough and moved on to the next one.

I was told I should at least give every man at least 6 dates before telling him he was not the one. LOL, I was not that full of myself I thought they were going to be shattered by only one coffee date, nor did I see the sense in possibly letting them think it might lead to more if I or both of us knew it was not going to....and I certainly didn't want to continue and talk myself into the relationship as many of those criticising did with their own partners. Fortunately I found the one who is more than I ever dreamed possible, and after all the joy and pain of moving to the opposite side of the world I still often pinch myself to make sure I am not just dreaming.

Catalina

 

[cellis]

This is a very pertinent subject for me as I am essentially starting over.

Several months ago I rewrote my ads at collarme and bondage and had some response but none that were what I as looking for. About a month ago I rewrote my ad at alt.com and have had a great deal of response and several possibilities that are in the works now.

I am finding it difficult to let go of past experiences to move forward. It is difficult to open myself up to new a person. I think I sometimes forget that I did not start off at the level I was at in the beginning. I need to remember that.

I know what I want. I know the kind of relationship I need. It is really just a question of being open to new possibilities.

I do think that for me the most important step was taking stock and knowing what I am willing to accept in a person, whether or not I am willing to relocate and what I need in order to get my needs met.

 

[catalina_francisco]

This is a very pertinent subject for me as I am essentially starting over.

Several months ago I rewrote my ads at collarme and bondage and had some response but none that were what I as looking for. About a month ago I rewrote my ad at alt.com and have had a great deal of response and several possibilities that are in the works now.

I am finding it difficult to let go of past experiences to move forward. It is difficult to open myself up to new a person. I think I sometimes forget that I did not start off at the level I was at in the beginning. I need to remember that.

I know what I want. I know the kind of relationship I need. It is really just a question of being open to new possibilities.

I do think that for me the most important step was taking stock and knowing what I am willing to accept in a person, whether or not I am willing to relocate and what I need in order to get my needs met.

Good luck in your search....sounds as if your rewrite may have brought some interesting people your way. I think it is nearly always hard to get back out there and start looking for a new relationship, especially when we get to an age where we have done it a few times. I was getting to a stage where I could easily fall into feeling jaded and dreaded the whole process of putting so much energy into getting to know a new person, getting to adapt to their idiosyncracies as they did mine also, and just thinking of the whole getting to know you process, as you say, being open to it again...part of it was a cynical voice deep inside asking whether it was worth bothering and whether it would lead anywhere, and how many people I had to get to know on some level before I found the right one for me. I am grateful I pushed myself (with a little/lot of help from a special person) to keep motivated though, and that I stuck out for what I wanted as opposed to feeling I had to accept whatever was on offer. You have a wealth of experience behind you cellis which I am sure will keep you on track until you find the right person/s for you.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

This is a very pertinent subject for me as I am essentially starting over.

Pop yourself in a box and post yourself to me. Problem solved!

 

[YinandYang]

Seems many people meet online, as I did with my partner. We got to know each other before we even realised we had this in us, or indeed even admitted it to each other. So we kind of learn't together. We have got to a point now where his job is taking him further away from me. We are at a stage where we are still in contact, but physically we are apart. Its hard to deal with, but I am certain that things will pan out the way they are supposed to. Either we are meant to be together, or not. I try not to fret over the future, I always beleive if we take care of the present, the future will sort itself out. Either way, if my 'partner' is a past, present or future happening, I know that he has helped me become who i wanted to be, and that is priceless.

 

[cellis]

Pop yourself in a box and post yourself to me. Problem solved!

Oh Great Fungi One.... if only I could. *wishful sigh*

 

[cellis]

Good luck in your search....sounds as if your rewrite may have brought some interesting people your way. I think it is nearly always hard to get back out there and start looking for a new relationship, especially when we get to an age where we have done it a few times. I was getting to a stage where I could easily fall into feeling jaded and dreaded the whole process of putting so much energy into getting to know a new person, getting to adapt to their idiosyncracies as they did mine also, and just thinking of the whole getting to know you process, as you say, being open to it again...part of it was a cynical voice deep inside asking whether it was worth bothering and whether it would lead anywhere, and how many people I had to get to know on some level before I found the right one for me. Catalina

You are right about that. I don't remember it being this time consuming or requiring thiis much energy in the past. It seems as if I am so busy that maybe I just don't have the time to devote to this.

I make the effort though because it is what I want... I would just like that someone to just fall into my lap... or maybe I could just fall into His/Hers.