Writing: Tell Me My Strengths and Weaknesses

[Selena_Kitt]

Ok... going out on a limb here <ahem>

Do you want to know what other people think your strengths and weaknesses are as a writer? Do they agree with you? Do they see something you don't?

If you're open to hearing it, post and ask

I'm open!

 

[Guest]

 

[drksideofthemoon]

What others tell me?

That what I write is real...I received a comment for Montana Summer Ch 06, and the reader said that he was a 67 yr old retired cattleman, and that my description of Ryan working cattle brought tears to his eyes...

 

[cloudy]

I'm certainly open to it.

 

[impressive]

Of course.

 

[matriarch]

*gulp*

 

[entitled]

i NEED it. *L*

 

[Rhys]

Ok... going out on a limb here <ahem>

Do you want to know what other people think your strengths and weaknesses are as a writer? Do they agree with you? Do they see something you don't?

If you're open to hearing it, post and ask

I'm open!

I'm brutally honest. Can you take it?

 

[Selena_Kitt]

'm brutally honest. Can you take it?

Yup. Honestly...

 

[Rhys]

Yup. Honestly...

Then I'll review your work. Publically.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Then I'll review your work. Publically.

And then, my friend, we will see if your honesty is your main concern- or if you are more interested in being brutal.

 

[BlackShanglan]

And then, my friend, we will see if your honesty is your main concern- or if you are more interested in being brutal.

What an excellent phrase. Come let me show you my admiration.

 

[Liar]

And then, my friend, we will see if your honesty is your main concern- or if you are more interested in being brutal.

Stella, you have the sexiest....beard.

 

[Rhys]

And then, my friend, we will see if your honesty is your main concern- or if you are more interested in being brutal.

It's up to the reviewee to make that determination isn't it? I call it the way I see it. To some, that is brutal, to others its honest. It all depends on where you sit. As a spectator, I am sure you'll have some opinions. Considering that I've never directly insulted you, I find your attitude interesting Stella.

 

[Rhys]

Summary: Guy gets Advent Calendar from Witch girlfriend and is eventually sucked inside the calendar. Presumably to be a sex slave? The story itself is not all that clear although the premise is rather fun. This would be an excellent episode for the Twilight Zone with clean up. My overall suggestion would be to take this out of first person and write it third so the reader has a better view of all the characters and their motivations.





Day 1

I asked her what the hell had she left on my kitchen table, and she said it was an advent calendar. Listen, if I didn't have so much wood for this girl that I could personally re-populate the rain forest myself, I would have tossed it out with last night's pizza boxes, believe me. The fucking thing was huge! It covered the whole goddamned kitchen table, but bless her heart, she had cleared the way to leave it there, so now all our neglected Captain Crunch soggies and Mac'n Cheese greenies had made it into the sink, believe it or not. Tyler thought my mom had come to visit or something and cleaned up. Fat chance.

Okay so the lead character is sloppy and has a poor relationship with his mother. The image of an advent calendar is pretty well cemented in most of the heads of the Christian readership, so you could launch directly into a description of how this Advent Calendar differed from all the traditional ones. The sheer stark contrast would pique the reader’s curiosity and you have a real attention getting beginning.

I think you did a good job of pointing out that he’s reacting to the compulsion to keep the calendar early, but I have problems with his characterization. Is he supposed to be a serious jerk and that’s why the witch locks him up? Or was he such a catch as to be kept forever? I had trouble deciding this throughout the story. His descriptions are average jerkish, but not enough to merit locking him away. I also don’t think he’s much of a catch either, so the premise is a little off in his characterization.




"What in the hell is that thing?" he asked, putting a case in the fridge. It wasn't very festive, I'll admit, but that was Betsy's artistic style alright. Just a huge white piece of cardboard with twenty-five black doors that had numbers written in white letters on the front of them.

"Gift from Betsy." I shrugged.

"Jesus, you still got that one hangin' around?" he asked, taking a swig out of the milk carton, grimacing, glancing at the date and putting it back in the fridge.

Technical point: It would be more effective to write “Jesus, you still got that one hangin’ around?” He said. He asked is redundant. Also from the dialogue, its very hard to tell if Tyler is referring to the calendar or the girl. After all, calendars generally do hang around as well.

"Have you seen her?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

"Yeah," he snorted. "I've seen her, and her damned Tampax in the bathroom and her make-up and shit all over the counter, she might as well be our extra roommate, right? What are you gonna do, marry this chick?"

I’m confused as to why Tyler is even here. He seems to be a bystander in the action. This is a character that you could eliminate, since he doesn’t contribute significantly to the story.

"No," I bristled. I knew he was right. I didn't date girls like Betsy, and if I did, I didn't date them very long. I don't know why she had me so hooked, but she did, and I was wiggling like a damned worm and I knew it. She was a pusher, one of those girls that took over your space an inch at a time, and before you knew it, you were watching "Terms of Endearment" and going to meet her parents. To hell with that. I wasn't gonna do it. She was, admittedly, a very, very fine piece of ass, and we had some good times together, but that was as far as it went.

"Well, get it the hell out of here, man, we got gaming tonight," he reminded me. Shit. At least she'd already cleared the table. I lugged it to my room, propping it against the far wall. Christ, it was nearly as tall as the dresser!

Technical point: Only the industry refers to it as “gaming” Everybody else in the universe calls it Poker.

"You open one door every day until Christmas," she'd said, smiling that lopsided Betsy smile over her shoulder at me while she pulled on the panties I had stuffed into her mouth not twenty minutes ago to keep old man Waters upstairs from banging on the floor. They were still wet across the ass from her saliva. My cock jumped, even after the three hour and two spurt workout he'd just had. Damn, what was this girl, a witch?

Plot comment: Damn, what was this girl? A witch? This is a plot anvil. Don’t tell the audience or even let your characters tell the audience something this major. Show the audience that she is a witch. Have her do something strange, let the character comment on it, then have her whip out the Viagra and blame it all on that.
Technical point: Please eliminate all references to “twitching, jumping cocks” and “weeping cunts”. I realize some people find this terminology sexy, but then I envision those same people to look like troglodytes. Like “turgid manhood” these are over used words that conjure the wrong image. Seriously, a mental picture of “twitching, jumping cocks” looks more like roosters with a serious case of the St Vitus Dance. I really don’t want to touch “weeping cunt” literally or figuratively.

Advent calendar. Like I cared how many days 'til Christmas? "Advent is about rebirth," she told me. "Advent calendars are countdowns to a new beginning." Beginning of what, I wondered?
And in all honesty, so are we, but again show us what sort of witchcraft is going on here. Does this guy deserve to be imprisoned? If he is imprisoned, how did this story get written anyway, because that presupposes that he escaped somehow.


It occurred to me that maybe she'd put something hot under there. I studied it more carefully. The doors were big enough, there could be a pair of panties or something folded behind each one. I smiled. Nowwww we're talking. Bad, bad, Betsy! I squatted in front of the enormous rectangle, lifting the lower corner of door number one to peer underneath, just to see if I could see anything, but I couldn't. I never was very good at impulse control.
Again, show us that he’s not too good at impulse control. Also, why doesn’t he see the larger door at this point? Was that something in the magic that prevented it?


In that moment, I had a flash of memory, me trying to peek under the tiny little flaps on my mom's advent calendar when I was a kid. Funny how I always hoped it would be a picture of something really magical, but it was just a star or a snowman or some such shit. Not even space rangers or rockets or anything. Why the hell you'd have those on a Christmas calendar was beyond my seven-year-old comprehension, obviously, but angels and Christmas trees just weren't cool.

Kudos on the good characterization here. He clearly has a lousy relationship with his mother but I want to know why and you never tell the reader. Is his relationship with his mother what causes his problems with the current women in his life? If so, this needs to be clearer. If we understand that the guy is an asshole, because his mother drank and his father beat the shit out of him, then we have sympathy for him. As it stands in this section, the reader is ambivalent about him.
This is as far as I took this review. I hope you find something useful in it.

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

It's up to the reviewee to make that determination isn't it? I call it the way I see it. To some, that is brutal, to others its honest. It all depends on where you sit. As a spectator, I am sure you'll have some opinions. Considering that I've never directly insulted you, I find your attitude interesting Stella.

Well, you've never insulted me either, but after reading the thread about pulling your stories because we're all so mediocre... Oh, wait, that was rather insulting to me... Anyhow, you never directly insulted me, but after that I can't say I'm bursting with trust in your wanting to be fair.

 

[BlackShanglan]

It's up to the reviewee to make that determination isn't it? I call it the way I see it. To some, that is brutal, to others its honest. It all depends on where you sit. As a spectator, I am sure you'll have some opinions. Considering that I've never directly insulted you, I find your attitude interesting Stella.

One might argue that it's up to the reviewer to write the review in such a way as to be honest without being brutal - a combination that is really not difficult to achieve, despite the popularity of the opposing theory. As for Stella's attitude, I'm intrigued. You seem to suggest that she might be astray in having formed an opinion of you based on your interactions with others rather than her interactions with you. I'm curious what you find unusual in that possibility.

Shanglan

 

[Rhys]

Well, you've never insulted me either, but after reading the thread about pulling your stories because we're all so mediocre... Oh, wait, that was rather insulting to me... Anyhow, you never directly insulted me, but after that I can't say I'm bursting with trust in your wanting to be fair.

I'm always fair. Most of the work on the site is mediocre. If you chose to be insulted by that remark, it shows more about your insecurity as a writer than it does my choice of words.

 

[matriarch]

*le sigh*

It must be a slow day in superville to have enticed the incomparable and unbeatable to play with the mediocre.

I prefer to kick my toes against a brick wall. At least then I know why I'm hurting.

 

[Rhys]

One might argue that it's up to the reviewer to write the review in such a way as to be honest without being brutal - a combination that is really not difficult to achieve, despite the popularity of the opposing theory. As for Stella's attitude, I'm intrigued. You seem to suggest that she might be astray in having formed an opinion of you based on your interactions with others rather than her interactions with you. I'm curious what you find unusual in that possibility.

Shanglan

Or I could write a completely hugs and snugs review that is so insincere as to be nauseating. As I have posted the review, I suppose it speaks for itself. But, what are all of you so afraid of? That I might actually be brutal? That you might suffer some humiliation at my hands?

You'd actually be surprised to know that I don't subscribe to the belief that the Socratic teaching method is the best possible method for teaching any subject. But, then again, you don't know me, and you are not likely too either.

 

[Rhys]

*le sigh*

It must be a slow day in superville to have enticed the incomparable and unbeatable to play with the mediocre.

I prefer to kick my toes against a brick wall. At least then I know why I'm hurting.

Made an impression did I? Yes, as a matter of fact it was a slow day.

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

I'm always fair. Most of the work on the site is mediocre. If you chose to be insulted by that remark, it shows more about your insecurity as a writer than it does my choice of words.

Considering I embody the Douglas Adams quote about wanting anything more important than my ego shot and killed, I'd say I'm pretty confident with my abilities. Thinking a comment is insulting, and agreeing it's true, are two quite separate things. I have many flaws, but insecurity is not one of them.

My point is that you do not have to directly attack someone for them to witness and assess your character. You had not directly attacked me, but I'd read your words, and that was all I needed to know.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

Thanks for looking at it Rhys... some good points... this was a fun little piece, I enjoyed writing it, getting into a male's point of view... Thank you, too, for your honesty... constructive criticism definitely should be that! I'd like to hear more of your overall impressions of my writing, that would be of interest to me as well as the details here...

just a few things...

My overall suggestion would be to take this out of first person and write it third so the reader has a better view of all the characters and their motivations.

perhaps... wanted to try to write from a male's point of view... just an experiment... I could get into his head better in 1st person, that's all.... if I rewrote it for publication somewhere I might change the POV... I didn't realize until I decided on the ending how hard it was going to achieve...! But I didn't want to change POV at that point, I liked Jay's POV by then... so I left it...

Is he supposed to be a serious jerk and that’s why the witch locks him up? Or was he such a catch as to be kept forever? I had trouble deciding this throughout the story. His descriptions are average jerkish, but not enough to merit locking him away. I also don’t think he’s much of a catch either, so the premise is a little off in his characterization.

You decide I don't like to beat the reader over the head with things... and I like to keep things ambiguous a lot if I can... it pisses a lot of people off, but then again, I get a lot of good feedback about that, too... to each his own!

Also from the dialogue, its very hard to tell if Tyler is referring to the calendar or the girl. After all, calendars generally do hang around as well.

good!

I’m confused as to why Tyler is even here. He seems to be a bystander in the action. This is a character that you could eliminate, since he doesn’t contribute significantly to the story.

I disagree <shrug> he moves the plot right along... I love the scene where Jay drags the calendar down the hallway and interrupts Tyler and his girlfriend...

Technical point: Only the industry refers to it as “gaming” Everybody else in the universe calls it Poker.

Gaming= roleplaying games... college kids...

Technical point: Please eliminate all references to “twitching, jumping cocks” and “weeping cunts”. I realize some people find this terminology sexy, but then I envision those same people to look like troglodytes. Like “turgid manhood” these are over used words that conjure the wrong image. Seriously, a mental picture of “twitching, jumping cocks” looks more like roosters with a serious case of the St Vitus Dance. I really don’t want to touch “weeping cunt” literally or figuratively.

LOL!!! Well I believe that last line
But the point was that it was 1st person... and we're talking a 19 year old male... let's just say that Jay would definitely refer to things or think of them in such a way... I rarely use "cunt" as often as I did here... lol

And in all honesty, so are we, but again show us what sort of witchcraft is going on here. Does this guy deserve to be imprisoned? If he is imprisoned, how did this story get written anyway, because that presupposes that he escaped somehow.

does he deserve it? <shrug> How did the story get written? <shrug>
you decide...

Again, show us that he’s not too good at impulse control. Also, why doesn’t he see the larger door at this point? Was that something in the magic that prevented it?

perhaps...

Is his relationship with his mother what causes his problems with the current women in his life? If so, this needs to be clearer. If we understand that the guy is an asshole, because his mother drank and his father beat the shit out of him, then we have sympathy for him. As it stands in this section, the reader is ambivalent about him.

good!

Wow, Rhys, thanks a lot... I really appreciated that look-see...

 

[MichelleLovesTo]

Or I could write a completely hugs and snugs review that is so insincere as to be nauseating. As I have posted the review, I suppose it speaks for itself. But, what are all of you so afraid of? That I might actually be brutal? That you might suffer some humiliation at my hands?

You'd actually be surprised to know that I don't subscribe to the belief that the Socratic teaching method is the best possible method for teaching any subject. But, then again, you don't know me, and you are not likely too either.

Hey, you can assess (or one bomb) my stories all you want. I hope I didn't neglect any crucial backstory on why my character ties her left shoe before her right. Undoubtedly mother issues.

 

[impressive]

One might argue that it's up to the reviewer to write the review in such a way as to be honest without being brutal - a combination that is really not difficult to achieve, despite the popularity of the opposing theory. As for Stella's attitude, I'm intrigued. You seem to suggest that she might be astray in having formed an opinion of you based on your interactions with others rather than her interactions with you. I'm curious what you find unusual in that possibility.

Shanglan

It is truly a skill to deliver critique in such a way that the recipient of one's observations is inspired & energized rather than wounded.

However, I do question the intent of any reviews which are blatantly hurtful.