Writing Question

[Colleen Thomas]

Have any of you checked out Minsue's Evil overlord thread? It's funny, but I got to thinking, it's also very instructive. The Author. without intending to, covered practically every cliche, deux-ex-machina and trite plot twist used in action adventure.

It got me to wondering if we, here at lit could come up with a similar list along the lines of what I would do if I was the Hero/heroine of a porn story.

I had a couple off the top of my head:

If I was the Heroine:

1. I would not stop in front of a mirror while nude and minutely examine my body.

2. I would learn to take a shower without masturbating.

3. I would develop a circle of girl friends who could come up with something to do other than experiement with lesbian sex on a given afternoon.


If I was the hero:

1. My cock would be of an average size. Should I be born with less, I will lie, who's going to know? Should I have more, I won't gloat.

2. I will not go after the perfect woman, to match my adonis like physique, but will insted look for someone who is attractive, but not perfect.

3. I will assume that my best friend's wife, daughter, sister, secretary etc. has an interest in me and will plan accordingly.



Those are just off the top of my head. I hope everyone will contribute, it coul dbe fun

-Colly

 

[impressive]

If I was the Heroine:

1. I would not stop in front of a mirror while nude and minutely examine my body.

2. I would learn to take a shower without masturbating.

3. I would develop a circle of girl friends who could come up with something to do other than experiement with lesbian sex on a given afternoon.


If I was the hero:

1. My cock would be of an average size. Should I be born with less, I will lie, who's going to know? Should I have more, I won't gloat.

2. I will not go after the perfect woman, to match my adonis like physique, but will insted look for someone who is attractive, but not perfect.

3. I will assume that my best friend's wife, daughter, sister, secretary etc. has an interest in me and will plan accordingly.

Heroine:
1. I would not have jumbo tits, a wasp waist, or legs up to my ass.

2. I would be wickedly intelligent.

3. I would be attracted to men and/or women who appealed to me on an emotional or intellectual level -- as opposed to purely physical.

Hero:
1. I would be secure in my sexuality, not needing to prove my masculinity to anyone.

2. I would be able to recognize when my partner wanted to "make love" and when my partner just wanted to "fuck."

3. See #3 above.

 

[gauchecritic]

I will endevour to keep masturbation private, however:

When caught masturbating I will quickly hide my appendage/bits rather than give a 'come on' to whichever relative has caught me.

When catching a family member masturbating I will not offer to help.

When either party is drunk my son/daughter/parent are still my son/daughter/parent and will be when they're sober.

A pool party is just that.

Gauche

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I would be sure to be 6'2" tall 190 lbs with not an ounce of fat on my body, a former football jock who still works out three times a week with piercing blue eyes and black hair.

I wouldn't tell anyone how big my cock was, nor would I care about her cup size.

On those frequent occassions when I caught my sister/daughter/mother either sunbathing naked or masturbating in their bedroom with the door open, I would avert my eyes and flee.

If I didn't avert my eyes and flee, I definitely wouldn't stand there and rub my cock through my jeans and moan softly.

I wouldn't moan softly at all. Ever.

I might try shrieking like a parrot during sex, just to see my partner's reaction. You know, make things interesting.

If anyone ever tried to slip into bed with me, I'd grab the blankets and leap to my feet and scream "Jesus H. Christ you scared the living shit out of me!"

If I ever went into a lingerie shop, I'd buy the first thing I saw. If the girl who worked there offered to model things for me, I'd tell her I was gay.

If I ever saw some drunken lout abusing his gorgeous girlfriend in public, I'd complain to the management. I wouldn't say anything to him that might lead to a fight. Why should I interfere?

I'd always keep plastic ponchos in my pocket so that if I and some strange woman were caught in a rain shower, we wouldn't get drenched to the bone so that her nipples were visible and she had to change back at my place.

If one of my female students came to me asking if there was anything--anything at all--that she could do to pass my course, I'd suggest that she try studying for a fucking change and seek help at the tutoring center.

If any girl I tried to tie up said "Ouch! Hey! Are you nuts?" I'd let her go immediately and apologize.

I'd do my best not to giggle if some girl called me "Sir" or "Master".

If my friend's wife who I've had my eye on for some time came over one night complaining how her husband ignored her, I'd suggest she talk her problems over with a clergyman or newspaper columnist. I might ask her if she could please shut up because I was trying to wtach TV.

If my wife suggested that for my birthday we have a threesome, I'd remind her that I really was hoping for those socks they were selling at Wal-Mart.

I'd only hire ugly babysitters with zits. I'd make my wife drive them home.

If I were ever out and heard a woman crying softly in the shadows, I'd make fun of her by yelling "Oh Boo Hoo Hoo" really loud.

---dr.M.

 

[Guest]

I'd do my best not to giggle if some girl called me "Sir" or "Master".

I'd sure giggle if anyone called you Sir or Master. I'd roar, cry and fall over if anyone called Gauche that.

Perdita

 

[neonlyte]

This is an immensely revealing thread.

I'm gonna keep quiet for the moment.

 

[razor_nut]

As a celebrity:
1. I will not fuck everyone who asks for an autograph.
2. I will not fuck to get a movie role.
3. Once I have that movie role, I will not fuck every costar.
4. I'm not as perfect as everyone thinks I am. Magazines do photoshop images.

 

[cloudy]

I would turn down sex, at least once. (although that might be really difficult)

When my roommate and her boyfriend broke up, I would neither comfort her by having wild monkey sex with her, nor comfort him by having wild monkey sex with him, no matter how hot either one of them was.

If I caught my SO in bed with another woman, I wouldn't make a comment about how I'd been lusting for her too, and I certainly wouldn't join in.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

If my partner started having multiple orgasms, I'd stop and tell her to calm down and get a hold of herself.

I'd make it a point to tell all my heroines that they looked thinner with their clothes on.

If I took my date out for a romantic, candlelight dinner, I'd ask her if I could finish her food, and if she said no, I'd ask for a doggy bag. "Why let it go to waste?" I'd say. "It cost enough!" For the rest of the romantic evening, I'd be carrying this greasy bag around with me that smelled like lasagna.


---dr.M.

 

[impressive]

2. I would learn to take a shower without masturbating.

Hey, wait just a goddamned minute! I resemble this remark.

Guess I'll never be Colly's heroine.

 

[Guest]

If presented with a big dick, I'd exclaim, "If you think you're putting that chuffing thing in me, you can think again, mate!"

 

[impressive]

For the rest of the romantic evening, I'd be carrying this greasy bag around with me that smelled like lasagna.

I HOPE you're referring to the food and not your date.

 

[Liar]

Re: Re: Writing Question

...or legs up to my ass.

Huh? Where the heck does legs end otherwise?

 

[impressive]

Re: Re: Re: Writing Question

Huh? Where the heck does legs end otherwise?

I've often wondered the same when hearing the expression.

 

[Virtual_Burlesque]

If my teenage nephew lost a critical basketball game, I would take him aside and console him with a peppermint lifesaver.

If my heroine is ever captured by an alien and used for sexual purposes, she will discover that kinky alien sex involves a handshake and farting two rousing choruses of The Ride of the Valkyries.

If a neighbor spies two lesbians are having sex in a ground floor apartment, he will tiptoe up and draw shut their curtain.

If an entire football team grabs the campus virgin and debating nerd, she will persuade them to admit that their rape fantasies mask an inferiority complex about women, and will talk half the backfield into exchanging their present extra curricular athletic activity to that of eurythmic dance.

If a guy slips ruffies into his date’s drink he will confuse which one is doctored and have to pay $275 to recover his car from the impound lot where it was towed for an overnight parking infraction.

 

[razor_nut]

Re: Re: Re: Writing Question

Huh? Where the heck does legs end otherwise?

Well if it's one of those sci-fi stories you just never know.

 

[TheEarl]

Re: Re: Re: Writing Question

Huh? Where the heck does legs end otherwise?

Feet. Everybody knows that.

The Earl

 

[The_Fool]

I don't care. I really do want to shag with Dixie Normous....

Or Lou.....


I think shagging with Perdita would be incredible as well but I would die for the intense flirting and foreplay that might go on for hours before indulging ourselves...


Maybe I should just fade back into the woodwork for a couple of months again.....



Fooooooolish

 

[impressive]

Re: Re: Re: Re: Writing Question

Feet. Everybody knows that.

The Earl

PMSL!

 

[Guest]

 

[minsue]

Rules for Heroine

Learn to repair your own appliances. Calling a plumber means you're going to get screwed before you even get the bill.

Avoid public transportation unless you are planning on being mauled by every Tom, Dick, & Harry.

Rule for Hero

It's OK to reach up the skirt of a strange woman. She wants you to. That's why she wore a skirt.

 

[gauchecritic]

If I were invited to try a little 'cock fun' because "I know I wanna" I would point out my lack of Preparation H would make a bloody and painful mess.

When coming home early from school and hearing moans and groans from my parent's bedroom, knowing that either of them were away on business, I would go to a friends house to play GTI IV.

When I got to my friend's house and discovered that only his mom is home, wearing the skimpiest of clothing possible, I would make an excuse and leave immediately.

If I were so drunk that anyone could take sexual advantage of me in any way whatsoever, I would also be too drunk to fuck.

Gauche

 

[Quiet_Cool]

If I were the hero?

I'd suggest to the nearest woman that we go back to my penthouse suite and make mad passionate love like the rest of my rich and extremely well-hung male relatives did with thier girlfriends... and she'd reply, "I thought you said you were unemployed and live with your mom?"

The heroine?

Nah, I say no to drugs...

Q_C

 

[oggbashan]

1.If I were the hero I'd always be wearing my last and disreputable underpants because all the good ones were in the wash, the underpants whose waistband elastic had turned grey - and insist on undressing in the dark.

2.If I were the heroine I'd always be wearing my comfortable cotton panties that I've had for years, have cute teddy bears on them, and a small hole in the back - and insist on undressing in the dark.

3.If I was in a position to watch the hero and heroine having sex they'd either be doing it quietly in the dark (see1 and 2 above) or I'd forgotten my thick nerdy glasses and without them I can't see a thing.

4.If I was the spouse coming home unexpectedly to catch my partner with someone else I'd always ring at least an hour beforehand to announce my change of plan.

5.If I was the hero or heroine of any story that has horrible aliens intent on conquering the world I'd have a detachment of fully armed Marines concealed just behind me with tanks and air support available within seconds.

Wouldn't the stories be boring...

Og