Writing: Organise my sentence!

[TheEarl]

I've got a sentence in a story which I'm writing and it's troubling me.

Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin with a hard bite on the inside of her lip and moved towards the bar.

If you read it as Anna stifling the urge with a hard bite, then it's a fine and well-constructed sentence. However, my rereads keep seeing it as her having an urge to punch her cousin with a hard bite and I've come to the conclusion that, much as I like it, I can't leave such an ambiguous sentence in. Okay, so it makes no sense that a hard bite could be used to punch someone, but a second's confusion throws the reader out of the story.

The thing is that I can't work out how to shuffle the words or punctuate it differently so that it's absolutely clear. I can't help feeling that a well-placed comma would solve all of my problems, but everywhere I try and place it feels very wrong. I don't particularly want to change the sentence too much if possible.

Any suggestions?

The Earl

 

[impressive]

Anna bit the inside of her lip and moved towards the bar, stifling the urge to punch her cousin.

 

[oggbashan]

Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin with a hard bite on the inside of her lip and moved towards the bar.

Try this:

With a hard bite on the inside of her lip, Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin and moved towards the bar.

Og

 

[minsue]

Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin with a hard bite on the inside of her lip and moved towards the bar.

Try this:

With a hard bite on the inside of her lip, Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin and moved towards the bar.

Og

That's how I would've done it.

 

[Vermilion]

Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin with a hard bite on the inside of her lip and moved towards the bar.

Try this:

With a hard bite on the inside of her lip, Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin and moved towards the bar.

Og

<points>
what he said...
x
V

 

[TheEarl]

Anna bit the inside of her lip and moved towards the bar, stifling the urge to punch her cousin.

That's better and clearer, but I kinda liked the image of her stifling the urge by biting herself on the lip. I did briefly consider something like, "An urge to punch her cousin overwhelmed Anna, but she stifled it with..." However, that makes too much of the urge to punch her, which is a throwaway thing.

<le sigh> The tricky part is that I consider what I have as exactly perfect in terms of what I want to say. It just says something else 50% of the time too.

The Earl

 

[TheEarl]

Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin with a hard bite on the inside of her lip and moved towards the bar.

Try this:

With a hard bite on the inside of her lip, Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin and moved towards the bar.

Og

I'm aware I'm being picky and negative here by shooting down the suggestions, but that sentence feels very cart before horse to me. It just doesn't sit right.

Sorry for being unreasonable.

The Earl

 

[minsue]

No need to apologize, Earl, but I don't see any other way than the two given to keep her from trying to punch someone with a bite on the lip. (A very difficult and advanced maneuver, that. )

 

[TheEarl]

No need to apologize, Earl, but I don't see any other way than the two given to keep her from trying to punch someone with a bite on the lip. (A very difficult and advanced maneuver, that. )

Although to be honest, once you've been punched with a bite on the lip, you'll never transgress again.

I was kinda hoping someone would point out an ideal space for a comma that I'd missed, which would clear the whole thing up without and major surgery to the sentence/paragraph. <le sigh> Oh well. Thanks all.

The Earl

 

[Vermilion]

biting her lip, Anna stifled the urge to hit her cousin...

Anna bit her lip and stifled the urge to hit her cousin

Stifling the urge to hit her cousin by biting her lip Anna...

Can't really think of any other way of saying it honey
x
V

 

[minsue]

Although to be honest, once you've been punched with a bite on the lip, you'll never transgress again.

I was kinda hoping someone would point out an ideal space for a comma that I'd missed, which would clear the whole thing up without and major surgery to the sentence/paragraph. <le sigh> Oh well. Thanks all.

The Earl

Mats has a suggestion for you:

Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin - with a hard bite on the inside of her lip - and moved towards the bar.

 

[Vermilion]

Mats has a suggestion for you:

Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin - with a hard bite on the inside of her lip - and moved towards the bar.

Interrupts the flow, rather, though... IMHO
x
V

ps- how are you this fine evening Min? Fed up of the 500 word challenge?

 

[minsue]

Interrupts the flow, rather, though... IMHO
x
V

ps- how are you this fine evening Min? Fed up of the 500 word challenge?

True, but the only way to keep from moving the phrase.

Fine and dandy. Not fed up, just tired of having to keep my mouth shut about people's guesses.

 

[TheEarl]

Thanks for the effort all, but I don't think there's any way of unwinding it to my satisfaction. I've decided to go with a simple, "Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin and moved towards the bar."

I really appreciate the help, as I needed to hear the options that I had open to me. I love the fact that, despite some claims that this isn't a writing board any more, I can post a rogue sentence up here and get loads of help within minutes. Thanks all.

The Earl

 

[Vermilion]

True, but the only way to keep from moving the phrase.

Fine and dandy. Not fed up, just tired of having to keep my mouth shut about people's guesses.

Most likely to go 'Hah! you are *sooooooo* wrong' or 'Wow! How the fuckity-fuck did you guess that?' ?
x
V

 

[minsue]

Thanks for the effort all, but I don't think there's any way of unwinding it to my satisfaction. I've decided to go with a simple, "Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin and moved towards the bar."

I really appreciate the help, as I needed to hear the options that I had open to me. I love the fact that, despite some claims that this isn't a writing board any more, I can post a rogue sentence up here and get loads of help within minutes. Thanks all.

The Earl

And you probably would've gotten more were it not superbowl sunday. We seem to have lost most of the western hemisphere to parties all of a sudden.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

"Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin with a hard bite on the inside of her lip and moved towards the bar."


I'd write this as:

Anna stifed the urge to punch her cousin. Instead, she bit the inside of her lip, kicked him in the nuts, and went to the bar for a drink.

 

[Guest]

Thanks for the effort all, but I don't think there's any way of unwinding it to my satisfaction. I've decided to go with a simple, "Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin and moved towards the bar."

I really appreciate the help, as I needed to hear the options that I had open to me. I love the fact that, despite some claims that this isn't a writing board any more, I can post a rogue sentence up here and get loads of help within minutes. Thanks all.

The Earl

If you're still looking for the lip biting thing, I'm sure you could get a few volunteers (even on Super Bowl Sunday) to come give yours a nibble.

 

[Guest]

i think i would have just gone with...


Anna bit her lip as her fist connected with the soft flabby pouch of her cousins stomach.


but thats just me.

 

[Vermilion]

i think i would have just gone with...


Anna bit her lip as her fist connected with the soft flabby pouch of her cousins stomach.


but thats just me.

Vella's feeling vicious...
x
V

 

[Guest]

Vella's feeling vicious...
x
V

i like 'v' words.

but somehow, anna seems to me to be a person of action...
i say she should toss the effort to control her actions.

*smirk*

im really more of what you might call an instigator.

 

[Vermilion]

i like 'v' words.

<preens>
x
V

 

[Pure]

biting her lip,# stifling the urge to punch her cousin, anna moved toward the bar.

#possible "and" at the mark.

or

stifling the urge to punch her cousin by biting the inside of her lip, anna moved toward the bar.

 

[CeriseNoire]

The urge to punch her cousin stifled with a hard bite on the lip, Anna walked toward the bar.

That might work if you don't mind the passive sentence.

 

[floweringquince]

Anna stifled her cousin before punching the inside lip of the bar.

"Anna stifled the urge to punch her cousin with a hard bite on the inside of her lip and moved towards the bar."

Sure you can't just skip the punch, allow Anna to deliver a hard bite to the inside of her cousin's lip, and go from there?

Okay, how's about:
"Anna's urge to punch her cousin was stifled only with a hard bite to the inside of her own lip, and she (instead?) moved (off?) towards the bar."?

Still passive voice, but comes across with an active feel...

- quince