writing live

[HarryHill]

love the energy, the honest rush you convey, the absolute livingof life
and the visuals, harry, the visuals!


sounds like tripping down memories' lanes, daydream believer, land of the giants, space odyssey 2001 (ok, maybe that's what 'i' see with your numerical monoliths, *grin), childhood games and space travel, homecoming parades.....

Staring out the window intoxicated by music

Thought processes free wheeling a thought is a domino that whe it falls, leads away to another starts a cascade of others

 

[HarryHill]

Just outside of Lockjaw Kentucky
flaming cattle bolt down the two lane
barbeque on the hoof, pass the slaw, man

 

[butters]

Just outside of Lockjaw Kentucky
flaming cattle bolt down the two lane
barbeque on the hoof, pass the slaw, man

smart writing, but what was the inspiration? poor moos

 

[HarryHill]

smart writing, but what was the inspiration? poor moos

another movie opening scene Mars Attacks

 

[butters]

another movie opening scene Mars Attacks

oh, of course - i've seen the film at least twice, duh, shudda remembered.

 

[HarryHill]

oh, of course - i've seen the film at least twice, duh, shudda remembered.

Ha, opening scenes
the means to
start

Oh listen, that sweet silence that plays in endless song
now that Slim Whitman and the Martians gone.

 

[butters]

on days like these
i feel the pull
to escape the circling lawnmowers
escape to the sea
find a spot
on a sun-warmed strip of sand
where people are few
and the voices of land and sea
combine
in harmonious drift -
on days like these

 

[Trixareforkids]

Removed

 

[HarryHill]

I saw him walking by the forum,
me out, wiping at a gazpacho stain,
hoping no one would see, pulling a toga to cover;
he in clutching a strategically placed garment covering his own stain,
discovering my eyes on the hand above, then flushed

Hail Caesar, sez I, with a grin for his condition,
red faced and eyes searching for those that might see
haberdashery profaned by a man such as he

Hail Brutus, he cried pushing past and away
with a venomous curse for the time of the day,
and I knew right then,
it was him or me.

note edit? is it worth it

 

[Tsotha]

I saw him walking by the forum,
me out, wiping at a gazpacho stain,
hoping no one would see, pulling a toga to cover;
he in clutching a strategically placed garment covering his own stain,
discovering my eyes on the hand above, then flushed

Hail Caesar, sez I, with a grin for his condition,
red faced and eyes searching for those that might see
haberdashery profaned by a man such as he

Hail Brutus, he cried pushing past and away
with a venomous curse for the time of the day,
and I knew right then,
it was him or me.

note edit? is it worth it

Definitely is!

Stanza 1 confused me a bit. It could use a bit of trimming and I think you should try to keep it balanced with the theme: "me doing this; he doing that", which you also have in stanze 2 ("Hail Caesar!") and 3 ("Hail Brutus!"). An example:

I saw him walking by the forum;
me wiping the gazpacho, hoping no one would see,
he pulling his toga strategically to cover his own stain.
Discovering my eyes on the hand above, he flushed.

I liked stanze 2 and 3, they are pretty good already. Some alterations I'd make:

1) I'd add quotes for Hail Caesar / Hail Brutus;
2) I'd replace the comma at the endS2L1 with either a dash (—) or a colon );
3) I'd add a period at S2L3, since you have one at S3L4;
4) I'd consider dropping the comma at S3L3, or replacing it with a colon.

Just my humble opinion, of course.

 

[Tsotha]

Let's start a war
me on my mule
charging windmills
you pissing upward,
making it rain
inane crusaders!
cruisin' insane,
I push my barrel up the street,
you drop down Niagara with it.
Cuckoo
No wait, that was a pecker
peck, peck
kiss my
kisses, or flowers
what about the weather?

 

[todski28]

Let's start a war
me on my mule
charging windmills
you pissing upward,
making it rain
inane crusaders!
cruisin' insane,
I push my barrel up the street,
you drop down Niagara with it.
Cuckoo
No wait, that was a pecker
peck, peck
kiss my
kisses, or flowers
what about the weather?

A lot of allusion here tsotha I think I get it.

 

[Tsotha]

A lot of allusion here tsotha I think I get it.

Good, at least one of us does, then. I'm thoroughly confused.

 

[butters]

of course it's worth it

I like the play on the different nature of the stains.
thought-provoking and while the first is from (possibly) the ''honest'' sin of gluttony, ceaser's sins are of the flesh but also ( i'm extrapolating here) beneath the skin and this is highlighted by the fact he's entering the forum - the place of political debate and decisions.

I saw him walking by the forum,
me out, wiping at a gazpacho stain,
hoping no one would see, pulling a toga to cover;
he in clutching a strategically placed garment covering his own stain,
discovering my eyes on the hand above, then flushed

small point, but not a thing requiring changing, is the difference between uk english and american english meanings with regards to 'haberdashery'. gave me pause for thought but its use here is quite correct.

a funny thing happened on the way to the forum... if you use your opening line as title, or some play on it, it creates less of an issue with the lines that follow, imo.

small confusion in image between what i see with 'walking by the forum', as if passing by outside it, and 'me out/he in' which shows one entering, moving past the other having just exited.

if you keep 'he in' then i suggest a comma afterwards, drop the semi you have and replace it for a comma, moving the semi to the end of Land a period at the end of the first two stanzas since you're using punctuation. hmmmn, 'then flushed' sits a little uncomfortably. as tso suggests, 'he' might work there for you.

Hail Caesar, sez I, with a grin for his condition,
red faced and eyes searching for those that might see
haberdashery profaned by a man such as he
right, already mentioned the period to end this part, but i'd recommend using italics for both the speech in this and in the last bit. Your comma after condition might work better as a colon or maybe better yet a dash - since as it stands there's room for confusion that the narrator might be red-faced. Oh, yeah, hyphenate that and cull one of the spaces between 'and' and 'eyes'.

Hail Brutus, he cried pushing past and away
with a venomous curse for the time of the day,
and I knew right then,
it was him or me.
your mixing your tenses, my dear, between the first and last stanza (past) and the middle (present). If you want to keep it all past tense, change 'sez' to 'said'.

note edit? is it worth it

I like what's going on in this; there seems to be more than one level operating, or at least you allow the reader space to introduce that themselves. There's a dark little twist of humour with that last line, considering history, and it tells me not to mess with a man who loves his food

 

[Byron In Exile]

Re: of course it's worth it

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar stain

Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything

What have I become
My sweetest friend?

Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My Empire of Dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear

You are someone else
I am still right here

What have I become
My sweetest friend?

Everyone I know
Goes away in the end

And you could have it all
My Empire of Dirt

I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A Million miles away

I would keep my self
I would find a way

 

[Byron In Exile]

I saw him walking by the forum,

It is... common, after all.

 

[Byron In Exile]

Let's start a war

Ah! Here's a poem!

 

[Byron In Exile]

but also ( i'm extrapolating here)

What you are doing is munching upon a sandwich.

beneath the skin and this is highlighted by the fact he's entering the forum - the place of political debate and decisions.

There is no question that important events are being considered.

Also, considerations and stuff and things.

Very important... matters. So.

It's... important. And what-not.

 

[Byron In Exile]

What in the fuck is Harry doing here?

Is this some sort of "open forum" or some shit?

 

[HarryHill]

What in the fuck is Harry doing here?

Is this some sort of "open forum" or some shit?

Hail Maximus!

 

[Trixareforkids]

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel

And I can't help but hear this in Johnny Cash's voice. Like his version as much, possibly more than the original.

 

[Trixareforkids]

We are not amused

Removed

 

[HarryHill]

Right after I sat down with coffee and a sand-
which emotions drive me now, hunger, starvation, thirst?
and those that know say, fool, those are not emotions
how little they know
Replete

 

[butters]

Right after I sat down with coffee and a sand-
which emotions drive me now, hunger, starvation, thirst?
and those that know say, fool, those are not emotions
how little they know
Replete

he hungers for...
he's starved and in desperate need
he thirsts
so hard he'd lick the sweat from limestone blocks
or her
and she waits
she waits
to quench him
in deep pools of light and fleeting shadow
to drink his bones and feed him by hand
the flesh and the soul
heart served up on a platter
for she knows
she knows
she knows her own craving
as empty arms ache for wanting
and fear of that inevitable state returning
in having feasted
they must endure the famine

 

[Trixareforkids]

Removed