writing in past tense advice

[firesflair]

ok, so I'm working on a sex scene, and I'm writing in the past tense. So here's my question. is it ever okay to use -ing when writing past tense?
the sentence in question:

Dropping the clothing beside us, Jeff placed his hands on my ribs, drawing us closer together, and kissed a path along the back of my neck.

I personally really like it, and can't think of a to rephrase this. The first word is easy:

Jeff dropped the clothing beside us, placed his hands on my ribs, drawing us closer together, and kissed a path along the back of my neck.

except it seems kinda clunky, step by step, which (I don't know, it could be stubbornness) the original doesn't seem to have.
The second word, drawing is harder for me, much much harder. I mean I could just delete it, but I think it works, especially with the next sentence.

here's the scene, for context (sentence in question is in italics):

He slipped his hands under my shirt and unclasped my bra. seizing the edge of my shirt, he lifted the shirt and my bra off me at the same time, temporarily breaking my kiss with Jack. Dropping the clothing beside us, Jeff placed his hands on my ribs, drawing us closer together, and kissed a path along the back of my neck. I could feel the hard length of him pressed against me, along with the hard expanse of his chest- he had already shed all his clothing

 

[sr71plt]

The "ing" words (gerunds) have nothing to do with the tense. The verbs (having to do with tense) in your example are "placed" and "kissed."

So, your first example is just fine.

 

[mynameisben]

You're not merely being stubborn. Your second example clunks like a bowling ball tossed down a stairwell.

He slipped his hands under my shirt and unclasped my bra. seizing the edge of my shirt, he lifted the shirt and my bra off me at the same time, temporarily breaking my kiss with Jack. Dropping the clothing beside us, Jeff placed his hands on my ribs, drawing us closer together, and kissed a path along the back of my neck. I could feel the hard length of him pressed against me, along with the hard expanse of his chest- he had already shed all his clothing

Capitalize "seizing."

You don't want to use the word "shirt" twice in the same sentence. Plus, that second sentence is somewhat verbose. Try something like this:

Taking hold by the hem, he lifted my shirt and bra off me in a single motion, temporarily breaking my kiss with Jack.

By leading with a gerund in your next sentence, you're style falls into a pattern (Seiz-ING and then Dropp-ING), which readers may find monotonous. Your Dropp-ING sentence is constructed almost EXACTLY the same way that your Seiz-ING sentence is. The only difference is that the latter sentence runs on even longer, and should be split into two sentences. So beware.

You're final sentence has uses "hard" twice, an immediate repetition that will put off your readers. Look for a different adjective to use to mix things up a bit. Or better still, drop one of your hard's (preferably the first) outright.

"he had already shed all of his clothing" is weak, out of sequence, and seems as if it was an afterthought by an author who was reluctant to take the time to present that information earlier.

 

[firesflair]

why has no one ever told me of gerunds before. The wiki definition is now bookmarked.
I'm positive I would remember if they were mentioned in high school or the one collage English course I took.
good thing to know about.

 

[firesflair]

You're not merely being stubborn. Your second example clunks like a bowling ball tossed down a stairwell.

I'm glad I'm not just being stubborn. It's nice to know my instincts were right.

Capitalize "seizing."

You don't want to use the word "shirt" twice in the same sentence. Plus, that second sentence is somewhat verbose. Try something like this:

Taking hold by the hem, he lifted my shirt and bra off me in a single motion, temporarily breaking my kiss with Jack.

By leading with a gerund in your next sentence, you're style falls into a pattern (Seiz-ING and then Dropp-ING), which readers may find monotonous. Your Dropp-ING sentence is constructed almost EXACTLY the same way that your Seiz-ING sentence is. The only difference is that the latter sentence runs on even longer, and should be split into two sentences. So beware.

You're final sentence has uses "hard" twice, an immediate repetition that will put off your readers. Look for a different adjective to use to mix things up a bit. Or better still, drop one of your hard's (preferably the first) outright.

"he had already shed all of his clothing" is weak, out of sequence, and seems as if it was an afterthought by an author who was reluctant to take the time to present that information earlier.

First, I completely admit that the clothing bit is out of sequence, not because I was lazy, I can't figure out any other spot to put it in. I also admit to a problem with run on sentences (I do try to break them apart when I catch them). I will take your advice (or try to...finding that spot might be hard. lol).
thanks

 

[mynameisben]

I'm glad I'm not just being stubborn. It's nice to know my instincts were right.


First, I completely admit that the clothing bit is out of sequence, not because I was lazy, I can't figure out any other spot to put it in. I also admit to a problem with run on sentences (I do try to break them apart when I catch them). I will take your advice (or try to...finding that spot might be hard. lol).
thanks

If your female character can feel the length of him pressed against her, if she can also feel his bare chest upon her back, then there really is no need at all for "he had already shed all of his clothing." You can't get that kind of contact with clothes on.

What you've already done is, you've painted the picture of Jeff's nakedness, rather than merely telling us that he had removed his clothes. You did the better thing, and then you needlessly followed it up with the lesser thing.

And, you're welcome. Good luck!

 

[firesflair]

If your female character can feel the length of him pressed against her, if she can also feel his bare chest upon her back, then there really is no need at all for "he had already shed all of his clothing." You can't get that kind of contact with clothes on.

What you've already done is, you've painted the picture of Jeff's nakedness, rather than merely telling us that he had removed his clothes. You did the better thing, and then you needlessly followed it up with the lesser thing.

And, you're welcome. Good luck!

lol, I realized, while analyzing it, why I added that bit. so no one would go "hey where'd his clothes go". must have read one of the articles about keeping track of everything when I rewrote that.

what do you think of this, instead of what I had before.

Dropping the clothing beside us, Jeff placed his hands on my ribs, drawing us together, and kissed a path along the back of my neck. I moved into his touch, nestling his manhood against my ass. Jeff drew his hands up to my breast and squeezed them lightly.

 

[mynameisben]

lol, I realized, while analyzing it, why I added that bit. so no one would go "hey where'd his clothes go". must have read one of the articles about keeping track of everything when I rewrote that.

Dropping the clothing beside us, Jeff placed his hands on my ribs, drawing us together, and kissed a path along the back of my neck. I moved into his touch, nestling his manhood against my ass. Jeff drew his hands up to my breast and squeezed them lightly.


what do you think of this, instead of what I had before.

Seizing, Dropping. You're still putting two similarly constructed sentences together, one right after the other. Personally, I think it's never a good idea to write consecutive sentences leading with a gerund. It draws too much reader attention to your writing mechanics, instead of keeping it in your story where it belongs.

You've got four different action images going on in that first sentence: dropping clothes, placing hands, drawing together, kissed path. At some point you have to ask yourself, "Are those images related tightly enough to warrant putting them all together in the same sentence?" Of the four, I think "Dropping the clothing beside us" is the most mundane. Is it really necessary to mention the clothes drop, or where they landed? Dropping of the clothes demands better treatment than a scant gerundal clause if you want your audience to see it as erotically evocative as you do. But if its mention is there only because you feel the need to plug a perceived logical gap (Where did those clothes go?), you can forget about it. Jeff took off her shirt and bra in one fell swoop. What else would he do but toss her clothing aside? It's a safe bet the vast majority of your readers would effortlessly draw the same conclusion without any further help from you. If you're still a little shaky on this notion, you could have the sentence read as follows:

Jeff placed both his hands on my ribs, drawing us together, and kissed a path along the back of my neck.

In the rewrite above, Jeff had no other logical choice but to have let go of the clothing. Both his hands were put to better use. And he could not have been clenching the clothing in his teeth because, if he were, she would never have been able to feel all that skin-to-skin contact.


In your next sentence, "nestling his manhood into me" seems odd. Nestle is a transitive verb, meaning that a subject nestles into an object. Jeff can nestle into Her, but She cannot nestle Jeff into her.

In your final sentence, you're using "drew" not long after having used "drawing." You might want to stretch for wider vocabulary variety. And I'm sure it's only a typo, and that you meant to go plural with breasts.