Writing good sex scenes that don't turn you on...

[Altissimus]

I have a bit of an unusual situation in my current story where I've backed myself into a corner and now need to write a sex scene on a subject that, frankly, does little for me.

Got to grit my teeth and do it I suppose.

But have you ever had to write an erotic scene that wasn't your cup of tea? How do you know if it's hot-or-not if you don't find it hot?

 

[bumpercars]

My best recommendation is to focus on the characters' feelings - their excitement (since presumably they're more into it than you), their discovery, their emotional closeness. I don't tend to stray far from my kinks, but when I do venture further afield those are the things that help me stay with it. As long as you care about the characters and they're finding it hot, you'll do alright.

 

[K155]

I think that as a writer, we will all have to write things that we aren't into, even outside of just sex scenes. Your characters have to live and breath for their own reasons and their own motivations... I've written sex that isn't my cup of tea before and I approach it just like any other passage.

While it's thrilling to write sexy stories that turn you on, I don't write just to turn myself on, if that makes any sense.

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I've done such scenes, and yeah, it takes some extra motivation to do it right. As was already suggested, you can focus on other aspects of that sex scene, the character development, or moving the plot forward or something like that. Or you can even use it as a good contrast for the sex scenes you actually like writing. Sometimes a reader can get saturated by reading the same kinks throughout the whole story, so by adding some different stuff you can bring much the needed variety and that can make the scenes you like stand out even more and make them more enjoyable. This is the approach I often use in my fantasy series.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I have a bit of an unusual situation in my current story where I've backed myself into a corner and now need to write a sex scene on a subject that, frankly, does little for me.

Got to grit my teeth and do it I suppose.

But have you ever had to write an erotic scene that wasn't your cup of tea? How do you know if it's hot-or-not if you don't find it hot?

Every story I write...
The first couple are easy. The sex scenes flow...
Then after a while, they all sound the same. She did this, then that, licked this, pinched that.
They become hard work. It is so difficult to find different settings, methods...
I have reached the stage where I hate writing them. A lot of my stories now, have very little actual sex in them...
It's hard to write erotica, without including some sexual connection.
I try now to focus on the emotional attachment, innuendo, implied rather than depicted...

Cagivagurl

 

[Duleigh]

Every story I write...
The first couple are easy. The sex scenes flow...
Then after a while, they all sound the same. She did this, then that, licked this, pinched that.
They become hard work. It is so difficult to find different settings, methods...
I have reached the stage where I hate writing them. A lot of my stories now, have very little actual sex in them...
It's hard to write erotica, without including some sexual connection.
I try now to focus on the emotional attachment, innuendo, implied rather than depicted...

Cagivagurl

I have the same issue, as my personal health continues to fail, writing sex scenes becomes more difficult but tagging the story "non erotic" is a death sentence to the readership. I now spend more time on the emotional entanglements and my readers enjoy that too.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I have a bit of an unusual situation in my current story where I've backed myself into a corner and now need to write a sex scene on a subject that, frankly, does little for me.

Got to grit my teeth and do it I suppose.

But have you ever had to write an erotic scene that wasn't your cup of tea? How do you know if it's hot-or-not if you don't find it hot?

You need a better reversing camera, I reckon .

It's not a problem I've ever encountered, and I can't imagine it ever happening, to be honest. Which means I'm either vanilla, or I don't mind different flavours. Dare we ask, what's the unwanted kink?

 

[LexxRuthless]

The only times I've run into that was when I was collaborating or writing a story for someone else, and they'd requested a specific sex scene that would never have occurred to me to even write. In those cases, though, I had that person available. I'd write up the scene and send it to them, either through e-mail or direct message, and ask, "What do you think?"

When I get, "YES!!!!!! I love that!!!!" as a response, I figure I've nailed it.

 

[Rob_Royale]

But have you ever had to write an erotic scene that wasn't your cup of tea? How do you know if it's hot-or-not if you don't find it hot?

Sort of. I'm doing a fetish story, feet in high heels specifically. Where I LOVE the way a woman looks in them, the actual foot and shoe, do nothing for me. But for a lot of fetishists, that's bee's knees. So I'm trying to focus less on what the man is doing, and focusing more on the woman's view and her enjoyment of the man's responses. She doesn't have to "get it" to enjoy the man's arousal, his focus, and the way he looks at her. I'm just changing the perspective, and that's working for me.

 

[Cagivagurl]

I have the same issue, as my personal health continues to fail, writing sex scenes becomes more difficult but tagging the story "non erotic" is a death sentence to the readership. I now spend more time on the emotional entanglements and my readers enjoy that too.

Sorry your health isn't good.
Best wishes for the future
XXXX

Cagivagurl

 

[Smuttyandfun]

I often skip over the sex and go back later and take my time trying to get it right. If I rush through it, much like in real life, I think it shows. And I don't think a quick cursory sex scene is all that exciting.

 

[Duleigh]

Sorry your health isn't good.
Best wishes for the future
XXXX

Cagivagurl

Thank you.

A few bad weeks in a row kind of mess with your mind, hopefully it will pass

 

[Euphony]

I try to keep in my mind, sexual response is like a whole lot of our processes, we have a limited playlist/reactions needing to cover the whole spectrum of human experience.

Kinda like how fever can be everything from food poisoning to Motaba.

Threads run through everything. Entangle those threads.

Specifics should be researched but the deeper the fetish (you aren't versed in) , the more judicious you should be. Think garnish not main dish.

Of course there's readers of all stripes but I feel like you get good reception when you are earnest and flow in and out of the fetish rather than bullet point list like some do as some sort of "proving their fetish bona fides."

Even when exploring our deepest darkest, we do like to touch solid ground every now and again. Use that.

 

[Altissimus]

Many great replies here, thank you, and they've certainly helped steer me around this particular road-bump (even without a better reversing camera @electricblue66 ).

The only times I've run into that was when I was collaborating or writing a story for someone else, and they'd requested a specific sex scene that would never have occurred to me to even write.

Similar situation to what I have here.

In those cases, though, I had that person available. I'd write up the scene and send it to them, either through e-mail or direct message, and ask, "What do you think?"

Which, funnily enough, I was doing last night.

When I get, "YES!!!!!! I love that!!!!" as a response, I figure I've nailed it.

Well she actually said "Now that's a work of art", so close enough - and I'm not sure I'd have gotten that response without the advice in this thread.

 

[PrincessArianrhod]

Looks like I missed the boat on weighing in....

I guess we all have a similar problem after we've written a few stories with graphic sexual encounters; the feel that we're just going through the motions in writing the sex bits, it becoming formulaic and less flowing. But isn't sex itself like that? Most people's real life sexual problems stem from boredom and apparent disinterest, many feeling they want to try something new. If we make sex and the writing of sexual episodes all about the sex itself, it is inevitably going to get old and tired.

Anticipation is the key in my opinion, both in literary terms and in real life. A woman won't orgasm because you've spent x minutes rubbing erogenous zones 1 and 2 if she hasn't already got in the mood. The reason many sexual relationships break down is because she's lost the sense of excitement that comes from sex with someone new, when she feels special, desired and more effort is put into building to the sex itself.

Further down the line, it often becomes sex for sex sake and women don't enjoy that as much as men seem to. You need to make her feel wanted, building anticipation of sex, teasing, stroking, kissing... she wants to be wanted, to be the object of desire and feel that like she used to. When she's ripe, system full of oxytocin, the anticipation of sex returns and bringing her to orgasm takes less time and effort than men seem to think.

I see writing erotica the same way. If you tease the reader, building anticipation, drawing out the moments that sex might happen, it matters less what the graphic scene description itself is like. The basic ingredients are always going to be the same but there are an almost infinite number of ways to create the anticipation.

(I know all sex scenes aren't about women and don't have to include women but I'm using that as an example because it's my personal experience. If the first I know about possible sex is something being rubbed on me by someone who is already 75% done, there's a 75% chance I'm not going to enjoy it.)

 

[Sammael Bard]

I have a bit of an unusual situation in my current story where I've backed myself into a corner and now need to write a sex scene on a subject that, frankly, does little for me.

Got to grit my teeth and do it I suppose.

But have you ever had to write an erotic scene that wasn't your cup of tea? How do you know if it's hot-or-not if you don't find it hot?

It’s difficult to peddle stuff you personally dislike. It shows in the writing. Anything you love will have excellent attention and care to details while stuff you hate will have a perfunctory style. We don’t always get to choose so…

I wrote a scene with crossdressing + homosexual fetish I hadn’t written before. Busted out my checklist and went down on it like a bot. Scene (outdoor/indoor), setting, weather, sex choreography (standing, doggy, prone bone etc), dialogues, after-sex talk and so on. It made the chore easier.

Or you can try what my friend does - stick the monthly bill on the monitor and glance at it every time you lose motivation and your ass wants to leave that seat.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I see writing erotica the same way. If you tease the reader, building anticipation, drawing out the moments that sex might happen, it matters less what the graphic scene description itself is like. The basic ingredients are always going to be the same but there are an almost infinite number of ways to create the anticipation.

This is key, I think. I'll often have scenes leading up to sex where clearly the characters aren't ready, so the writing ends up circling around it, building it up. It seems to go down well with readers, with comments appreciating my slow, patient attention to detail, the slow burn. And the heat, when they eventually get there.

 

[Altissimus]

Anticipation is the key in my opinion

I 100% agree. It's the build-up that makes it erotic for me, perhaps more so than the act itself. The build up sets the scene, explains the reasons, paints the picture and so on.

stick the monthly bill on the monitor and glance at it

God yes. Bills are so hot.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

@Duleigh, feel better soon.

tagging the story "non erotic" is a death sentence to the readership

Why would you tag a story "non-erotic"?

There are categories for non-erotic stories, and even if you wrote a story with no sex in it, there could still be a solid place for it in categories such as Loving Wives. There are some very high scoring stories in that category alone with no sex in them. I keep using this one as an example.

 

[lovecraft68]

You can go to the category of the kink you're not that into and try to get some ideas, or as others said you can lean on being in your characters mind and the situation and have the scene work 'for them' because its just another part of writing fiction.

I'll add that if the kink isn't something that's simply not your thing, but something you find personally offensive, like NC or incest, I wouldn't bother. What's the point of pissing yourself off? There's no money on the line and we have nothing to prove here.

 

[Altissimus]

we have nothing to prove here

I like to write stuff that pushes my comfort zone, to prove to myself. I wouldn't have taken it on if I didn't want to do it.

It's not as hard as the non-erotic story I did for a recent challenge. Dunno what that says about me...

 

[lovecraft68]

I like to write stuff that pushes my comfort zone, to prove to myself. I wouldn't have taken it on if I didn't want to do it.

It's not as hard as the non-erotic story I did for a recent challenge. Dunno what that says about me...

I get it. I also know from experience that at times what sounds like a great idea or challenge can quickly become a "I did this why?" situation and after pushing myself through a couple I decided that when I hit that point, its not worth pushing. My time is limited so I like to work on what I like to work on.

 

[yowser]

Looks like I missed the boat on weighing in....

Anticipation is the key in my opinion, both in literary terms and in real life. A woman won't orgasm because you've spent x minutes rubbing erogenous zones 1 and 2 if she hasn't already got in the mood. The reason many sexual relationships break down is because she's lost the sense of excitement that comes from sex with someone new, when she feels special, desired and more effort is put into building to the sex itself.


I see writing erotica the same way. If you tease the reader, building anticipation, drawing out the moments that sex might happen, it matters less what the graphic scene description itself is like. The basic ingredients are always going to be the same but there are an almost infinite number of ways to create the anticipation.

Nicely said.

I will add only that the 'hint' of things is often a stronger lure than full on description. A keyhole view, a nipple pushing against some fabric, a quick expectant glance over a wine glass - less is often more. Sexual arousal often gets more interesting when viewed sideways instead of head on.