Writing exercise: show us your style

[ShelbyDawn57]

I didn't take @StillStunned's intent to be that it is a complete story in 250 words, but rather, 250 words(ish) of the beginning of a story. The setup, with the payoff to be had later.

A strict 250 word complete story exercise would be a nice idea, but I didn't take this to be it.

We agree but I think @KeithD brings up an interesting point or question. Go back and re-read your intro. Can it stand on its own? Obviously none of them are 'complete.' but do they tell a small story or vignette of their own? I kinda think mine does(I'm biased as hell), though I didn't really think about it when I wrote it. Rising action, conflict, and a quick resolution that could lead to more...

 

[StillStunned]

By my count we're already at 16 different versions. I'm impressed, people, thanks!

 

[intim8]

then talk about what they did and why.

Oh, are we supposed to do that too? OK, I'm game.

The first thought I had is that I wanted some kind of thread in this that made it more than just a simple opportunistic voyeurism or group setup story. Some kind of tension. I figured that having the couple being watched include the watching couple's daughter worked for that.

Then I needed a reason to have them down in the tent instead of wherever the parents came from, so I hit on the idea of two BFF's reliving a childhood "camping" experience and the tried and true cabin in the woods trope.

I didn't want it to be a lesbian story, but I wanted the appearance of the boyfriend to be a surprise.

And since the tension is in the Dad's conflicting emotions over seeing his daughter in flagrante delicto, I figured making the boyfriend an already known and approved of thing would make it so he couldn't just be plain mad about it, he'd actually be conflicted. That, plus the addition of the BFF, however it is she gets involved, gives Dad an out for pretending he is not just perving on his daughter, he can perv on her. Which will also be conflicted, since she "feel like part of the family" and he knew her as she was growing up, but it's technically not the same. A technicality he can hang his perving hat on.

The wife will help with that, in part as she did on arguing the sleeping arrangements, and also by soothing some of his conflict over watching, legitimizing it by initiating their own fun and giving his primal instincts a target other than his daughter.

Breakfast, when they finally get to it, will be awkward.

As a bonus, I couldn't let the "Jack and Jill" thing go unlampshaded, so the opening line's scansion matches that of the poem, if you say it fast.

 

[intim8]

Go back and re-read your intro. Can it stand on its own?

I think mine does, thought it obviously leaves the real story implied. It doesn't really have a resolution, but if you try to take it as a complete story, it kind of has a twist ending.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

and full of all sorts of interesting parasitic biota.

Auditors? My God! Has it come to this?

 

[StillStunned]

My thought process was probably the simplest, seeing as I came up with the prompt and didn't need to give it any specific twist. I was probably also the only person not to make the connection between "Jack and Jill" and "hill".

Here are a few things I did consider, though.

The opening scene, of Jack watching his wife's arse as she's walking, was inspired by the novelisation of An Officer and a Gentleman, which I read something like 35 years ago. Mayo, the POV character, decides to focus on his fellow cadet's arse in front of him to keep him distract while they're running. For some reason this visual has stayed with me all these years, and now I got the chance to use it.

I used the sound of the stream to bridge the mindset from "hiking" to "sexy times". Jack's already being teased by the sight of Jill's arse, but the idea of cooling down in the stream creates the opening for him to act on it. And yes, I know that it's a terribly bad idea to get your feet wet and then put your hiking boots back on to continue the rest of the walk, but this isn't reality, so who cares?

Once the idea is planted in Jack's mind that they're going to be getting it on, I turned his mind to the details of what he's going to do to Jill. Get the reader in the mood before the actual action begins. It's the kind of thing we anticipate in our mind: feeling our lover's body, tasting their sweat, exploring our favourite parts of them. This is the bit where we're convinced we're the best lover in the world, and we're going make sweet love all night long instead of getting carried away and losing control after 13 minutes.

I cheated a little with the word count (that's why my OP says "250-ish") to reach the point where Jill can see the stream and the tent, while still including the image of Jack running into her arse when she stops suddenly.

I don't think the snippet stands on its own, but then I never intended it to. It's just an example of how I would begin this story, if I was writing the full length.

 

[KeithD]

I think mine does, thought it obviously leaves the real story implied. It doesn't really have a resolution, but if you try to take it as a complete story, it kind of has a twist ending.

As an exercise, this could be expanded to an "OK, now make it a 500-word story extrapolating from where it now ends."

I did think of that in writing my version. I have a straight couple coming upon (story setup twist) a gay couple having sex. I leave it with the male of the straight couple changing from "ugh, let's move" to being turned on by what he saw. That can be/is a complete story right there. But, If I continued the story, it could twist again here to the gay couple in the stream seeing the other couple, inviting them to join in, and the straight couple then becoming a bi couple in a group frolic.

If I wanted to really be challenged, in the longer version I'd do a bit of gender tag changing (or obscuring) in the original and have Jill and Jack (in non-butch terms being Jackie) being a lesbian couple watching a gay male coupling--and then moving into a bi group grope.

A good exercise can be taking something you've already written and expanding it into more or something different.

 

[MrPixel]

Okay. Analysis. That's easy. I write about people conversing, usually in 3rd, present tense. People talk do to each other, and in action scenes typically about what is happening at that moment. I also write about swingers, and nudists. Chancing into swinger friends after recently relating a nudism opportunity at a specific place and an approximate time... well, that almost writes itself.

 

[samhasstories]

I was probably also the only person not to make the connection between "Jack and Jill" and "hill".

Here I thought you were being coy with "They crest a rise."

I did sort of try to make mine self contained. I probably won't expand on it. For me that's part of the joy of the challenge - how much can I squeeze into this space? How close can I come to a complete story? I make no claims, but for the amount of time I put into it I'm happy with the result.

It isn't really my style when it comes to the erotic elements. I'm usually more explicit. It might be a decent example of my style when it comes to syntax and diction. I didn't give it much thought in that regard, which probably means it is. I do like my long sentences.

Part of the fun for me in an exercise like this is stepping out of my usual, seeing what I come up with for an idea that isn't my own. I would be unlikely to write erotica about married couple Jack and Jill - more likely single Jack and single Jill, Jen, Jessica, Josephine, et al. But it's fun to step out of my usual routine, my tried-and-true fantasies. Maybe I'll do more of it.

 

[StillStunned]

Here I thought you were being coy with "They crest a rise."

I'll let you into a selfish little secret. The original prompt I had in mind involve a Jack & Jill bathroom, but as I was thinking about it I realised I wanted to keep the idea for myself to write a proper story. So I had to think of another prompt, but the names Jack and Jill were firmly stuck in my mind. I just never made the connection with the nursery rhyme.

 

[intim8]

As an exercise, this could be expanded to an "OK, now make it a 500-word story extrapolating from where it now ends."

...

A good exercise can be taking something you've already written and expanding it into more or something different.

I'm strongly considering finishing the story for publication. I'll rework the opening a little, make it more dynamic, then take it from there. More than 500 words, but not huge. Maybe a 1 Lit page thing, ~3K words.

I like the Dad dealing with his daughter becoming a woman thing, accepting it without having to make an elaborate and expensive fertility ritual out of it and "giving her away". Partly because I hate the possessively overprotective father thing. A lot of what I write in this realm is about countering what I think are toxic and damaging social hangups about sex.

I do like your 250 or 500 word exercise ideas. It forces the writer to pare down the story to the absolute essentials, and that is a very good skill to develop. Better to have a stripped down story and add detail and atmosphere, etc, than to start with a bloated story and try to carve it up. With that skill, doing so in initial drafts starts to come more naturally.

A pivoting exercise, as you suggest is also a really interesting idea, but I'd need it fleshed out a bit more to get it.

I mentioned Reedsy earlier, their prompt contests have a strict 3K word limit, and telling a rich story within that has been a really good exercise in itself.

 

[intim8]

I was probably also the only person not to make the connection between "Jack and Jill" and "hill".

I had it in the very first line.

 

[SimonDoom]

We agree but I think @KeithD brings up an interesting point or question. Go back and re-read your intro. Can it stand on its own? Obviously none of them are 'complete.' but do they tell a small story or vignette of their own? I kinda think mine does(I'm biased as hell), though I didn't really think about it when I wrote it. Rising action, conflict, and a quick resolution that could lead to more...

I wouldn't say mine stands on its own as a full story, but I wrote it intending it to have some story arc. Couple 1, the POV and voyeur couple, stumble upon Couple 2, the nude exhibitionist couple. The man and woman in Couple 1 have conflicting impulses about watching Couple 2, but they watch. Then the man in Couple 1 is inspired, watching Couple 1 and their sexual activity, to have sexual activity of his own, so he starts stripping his wife. Then at the end the tables are turned and Couple 2 watches Couple 1, inverting the voyeur/exhibitionist relationship. They acknowledge each other, resolving the potential tension of the voyeurism.

 

[nice90sguy]

I think that it's REALLY important not to read anyone else's effort before posting. So maybe @StillStunned you should have got us to PM the stories to you first, and you would "publish" them en masse

To make it even more fun, you could hide the authors' identities, which would make this my favourite type of thread: a PUZZLE THREAD!!! - YAY - GUESS THE AUTHOR

I'll shut up now and wipe the piss-puddle from my seat

 

[Bamagan]

I think that it's REALLY important not to read anyone else's effort before posting. So maybe @StillStunned you should have got us to PM the stories to you first, and you would "publish" them en masse

To make it even more fun, you could hide the authors' identities, which would make this my favourite type of thread: a PUZZLE THREAD!!! - YAY - GUESS THE AUTHOR

I'll shut up now and wipe the piss-puddle from my seat

 

[StillStunned]

I think that it's REALLY important not to read anyone else's effort before posting. So maybe @StillStunned you should have got us to PM the stories to you first, and you would "publish" them en masse

To make it even more fun, you could hide the authors' identities, which would make this my favourite type of thread: a PUZZLE THREAD!!! - YAY - GUESS THE AUTHOR

I'll shut up now and wipe the piss-puddle from my seat

That sounds like a little more effort than my energy levels can handle today.

But I take your point. I've edited the OP to recommend writing before reading. But let's face it: that's what most of us do anyway.

 

[intim8]

think that it's REALLY important not to read anyone else's effort before posting. So maybe @StillStunned you should have got us to PM the stories to you first, and you would "publish" them en masse

I agree, but it wasn't hard to not do that until mine was up. Then I didn't have to wait for this whole thing to finish.

To make it even more fun, you could hide the authors' identities, which would make this my favourite type of thread: a PUZZLE THREAD!!! - YAY - GUESS THE AUTHOR

That would be a cool thing.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

"Don't mind me," Jill called out. Her husband Jack was six feet ahead as they hiked up a heather-covered ridge in the midst of the Peak District. She leant against a dry-stone wall and drank from her water bottle; not just for thirst, but because she was enjoying the view.

Beautiful sunshine over south Yorkshire, "God's Own Country". No patron saints here: the locals saw themselves as having a direct ear to the top. August meant the bracken was just starting to turn gold. Granite boulders lay scattered all over, but sheep tracks marked this route up to the top of the cliff, enabling them to cross into the next valley, one of the most remote in the area. Sheep bleated at the bottom of this dale, munching patchy grass that grew between the ferns and lichen-clad rocks. A tiny pippit flew past, bobbing up and down. She'd sighted a woodpecker and a pair of buzzards, earlier.

This pastoral scene, unchanged for centuries, highlighted a modern centrepiece: Jack's legs and arse. Frequent country walks and cycling round hilly Sheffield gave him substantial muscular thighs, currently shown off by short shorts. He'd stripped down to a vest top and hiking sandals, letting her admire his body. Was it Jane Austen who'd waxed lyrical about a man with a well-turned calf to his leg? She'd have loved Jack.

Jill clambered onto the rocky summit. The view stretched across fields, a town on the horizon, and...

Was that a couple, bedded in the bracken?

Yes. Two naked people. A man and a woman.

"Whoa!" Jill edged forward. Her binoculars confirmed it. They were fucking. "Jack, look!"

"What?" He struggled to focus the binoculars.

"Over there! Halfway to Hathersage."

Jack leaned out further. He gasped. Then he fell, tumbling down the scree-covered cliff...

 

[samhasstories]

To make it even more fun, you could hide the authors' identities, which would make this my favourite type of thread: a PUZZLE THREAD!!! - YAY - GUESS THE AUTHOR

That's fun. I at least would be woefully bad at this unless it became a regular thing and I managed to get used to people's styles. But I'd be into it, as long as someone else did all the legwork.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

I see I'm not the only one inspired by Yorkshire and the start of the British summer recently!
Someone in an early comment mentioned seeing the other one above them on the hill, which inspired me to describe that scene.

Why I wrote it like that - I generally go for female narrator in first or third person, unless there's a reason not to. I like evoking landscape or built environments - it draws me into a story. I like men with good legs.

And the climax of the climb is also a peak in the 'plot' - Jack falls down, and should I ever bother continuing this, he'll end up rolling down, head bleeding, end up very near the naked couple, they'll feel obliged to assist, but with luck he'll not need medics and be able to just relax and watch shenanigans with his wife.

It could work as a 750 word story, with him not joining in and going in LW, for an effort at a minimum rating! British English is usually good for knocking a few more stars off, too!

 

[StillStunned]

Someone in an early comment mentioned seeing the other one above them on the hill, which inspired me to describe that scene.

My first thought when I began to read your version was, "Just like mine!" (My second thought was, "Wait, is Kumquat secretly my wife?")

And the climax of the climb is also a peak in the 'plot' - Jack falls down, and should I ever bother continuing this, he'll end up rolling down, head bleeding, end up very near the naked couple, they'll feel obliged to assist, but with luck he'll not need medics and be able to just relax and watch shenanigans with his wife.

I must admit that my immediate concern for Jack was abandoned mineshafts. But my Peak hiking has been in Derbyshire, and I don't know whether Yorkshire is similarly littered with sudden holes in the ground.

 

[Kumquatqueen]

My first thought when I began to read your version was, "Just like mine!" (My second thought was, "Wait, is Kumquat secretly my wife?")

One moment, I'll go downstairs and check with you...

 

[samhasstories]

This is like You've Got Mail, the Literotica edition.

"I wanted it to be you."

 

[KeithD]

I think that it's REALLY important not to read anyone else's effort before posting. So maybe @StillStunned you should have got us to PM the stories to you first, and you would "publish" them en masse

I didn't. I looked at the OP and thought, I don't have time for this. My muse had delivered a "piled on" idea today and I had more than enough to write. And then, of course, what I started writing was the response to this exercise.

 

[THBGato]

The harsh cawing of the magpie pulled Jill's eyes to the tops of the trees. It perched on the ash branch. Just one. Sorrow.

"Yep," she thought to herself, "that'll be coming soon."

Two more fluttered up to the lonely sentinel, their raucous racket echoing around the dell.

"Does that count as two for joy or three for a girl?" Jill mused to herself. She allowed herself a small smile, thinking of that one, very special girl who brought her so much joy. That brought the sorrow back.

She sighed heavily. It was no use. She couldn't carry on like this. She needed to tell Jack. She needed to stop pretending. This state of affairs, with the emphasis very much on affairs, wasn't right for anyone.

Her eyes tracked down to the path they were following and found Jack, staring back.

"Penny for your thoughts?" her husband asked.

Jill winced inwardly. That was awkwardly close to the nub of the matter.

"Oh, just wondering what they were chattering about."

"Who?"

"The magpies of course."

"What? Where?"

Jill sighed. This was Jack's problem. He was lovely, but so oblivious, even when things were right in front of him in black and white. This was going to be hard for him to grasp.

(No idea how many words that is - typing it directly into the forum.)