Writing Challenge: Conversation

[slyc_willie]

Many years ago, I read a novel by Dean Koontz. It may have been 'Watchers,' or 'Night Chills,' not really sure which. But there was one chapter -- or, rather, just an interlude -- in which two characters spoke, and Koontz only included their spoken dialogue. No he said, she said. Just the characters' words in quotes.

I've done this myself, in some of my writing. It is harder than some might think to convey the appropriate emotions and other facets of a scene without directly describing them.

So, here's the challenge: a conversation between two people. Use ONLY their spoken words in conversation, framed by quotes, of course. No description of the scene other than that which can be inferred from the conversation.

----------------------

"Okay, you wanted to see me, so I'm here."

". . . let's not start like that, okay? Just have a seat . . . please. Get a chai latte, or whatever you're drinking these days."

"I haven't changed."

"You haven't? Could have fooled me. Your hair's longer; you lightened it. You got new contacts, too. Since when did you want green eyes?"

"Maybe they match my panties. Look, if you just wanted to start another fight--"

"I miss you."

" . . . what?"

"I miss you. Is that so hard to believe?"

"It's just . . . it's been four months, Jimmy. The way you . . . I mean, how we parted . . . ."

"No, go ahead and say it. It was my fault. I know it was. I was an asshole."

"No . . . no, you weren't. You just--"

"I was an asshole."

"You were an asshole."

"I'm glad you see it my way."

"Jesus, Jimmy."

"See? Made you smile."

"You're . . . you're holding my hand."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I . . . I'm not sure."

"Oh . . . you're seeing someone."

"No, I'm not . . . not really."

"You know, I might have been defensive if you said something like that before."

"But not now?"

"No. Not now."

"Jimmy . . . ."

"Just one more chance, Brenda. Please. And if I haven't changed . . . I'll accept it. I promise."

"Will you?"

"I broke a promise to you before. I'm not gonna do it again."

"Oh, God, Jimmy, if you . . . I . . . I couldn't take it if you did it again."

"I only ask for another chance. And . . . faith. In us."

". . . you're holding my hand again."

"I know. And I don't wanna let go this time."

---------------------------

So, let's have a little conversation

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Many years ago, I read a novel by Dean Koontz. It may have been 'Watchers,' or 'Night Chills,' not really sure which. But there was one chapter -- or, rather, just an interlude -- in which two characters spoke, and Koontz only included their spoken dialogue. No he said, she said. Just the characters' words in quotes.

I've done this myself, in some of my writing. It is harder than some might think to convey the appropriate emotions and other facets of a scene without directly describing them.

So, here's the challenge: a conversation between two people. Use ONLY their spoken words in conversation, framed by quotes, of course. No description of the scene other than that which can be inferred from the conversation.

----------------------

"Okay, you wanted to see me, so I'm here."

". . . let's not start like that, okay? Just have a seat . . . please. Get a chai latte, or whatever you're drinking these days."

"I haven't changed."

"You haven't? Could have fooled me. Your hair's longer; you lightened it. You got new contacts, too. Since when did you want green eyes?"

"Maybe they match my panties. Look, if you just wanted to start another fight--"

"I miss you."

" . . . what?"

"I miss you. Is that so hard to believe?"

"It's just . . . it's been four months, Jimmy. The way you . . . I mean, how we parted . . . ."

"No, go ahead and say it. It was my fault. I know it was. I was an asshole."

"No . . . no, you weren't. You just--"

"I was an asshole."

"You were an asshole."

"I'm glad you see it my way."

"Jesus, Jimmy."

"See? Made you smile."

"You're . . . you're holding my hand."

"Is that a bad thing?"

"I . . . I'm not sure."

"Oh . . . you're seeing someone."

"No, I'm not . . . not really."

"You know, I might have been defensive if you said something like that before."

"But not now?"

"No. Not now."

"Jimmy . . . ."

"Just one more chance, Brenda. Please. And if I haven't changed . . . I'll accept it. I promise."

"Will you?"

"I broke a promise to you before. I'm not gonna do it again."

"Oh, God, Jimmy, if you . . . I . . . I couldn't take it if you did it again."

"I only ask for another chance. And . . . faith. In us."

". . . you're holding my hand again."

"I know. And I don't wanna let go this time."

---------------------------

So, let's have a little conversation

Depending on the site you can do that. I do, but never for that length. I get away with it by using things like, "Look, Charlie." That makes it clear which character is talking without a dialogue tag. But to be honest, on a piece this long, he should have inserted a tag here and there. Just my opinion.

 

[starrkers]

I don't think tags are necessary, unless it is unclear who is speaking. I rarely use them. But then I rarely use more than three lines of dialogue at a time.

 

[neonlyte]

I've tried this technique with a long piece of work, I put it up for review on the SDC forum a couple of years ago. One of my characters is severely disabled and blind. I tried to project the character's world onto the reader, deprive the reader of any external information other than the words the two characters spoke. No tags, no 'scene', no indication of their sexes. Everyone who crit the piece correctly identified the correct sex for each character. I don't remember their being any confusion over who was speaking. One curious thing that came out of it is that female readers (according to their Lit names) had a stronger affinity with the piece than male readers. The piece ran to about 6k words.
Here is a small extract from the opening chapter.

----------

“That’s enough! Look you. I can’t take any more of this. If you are not going to make the effort, I am not prepared to put in the work. I’ve really just about had it! What’s got into you? This last few weeks you’ve become impossible!”

“Rather a misappropriate use of words don’t you think. Look: just one things I can’t do is look.”

“Yes… well, I’m not going to apologise. I don’t know why I am bothering with you? There was a time when this project meant everything to you, now you simply don’t seem to care whether we can resolve the problems or not. I can’t work with you when you are in this mood; you are an ungrateful self-centred bastard. Yes, bastard. Don’t look so shocked.”

“How do you suppose that works exactly, looking shocked. I’ve never seen a shocked expression; how do imagine I know how to ‘look’?”

“I don’t know and frankly I’m beyond caring. I just don’t know why I am wasting my time. If you don’t want to do this, say so; then I can spend my time with people who are grateful and gracious for the help I can give them.”

“It’s because I’m sexy. I’m vulnerable.”

“Oh grow up! What is it with you? You have a great mind; why don’t you use it to achieve something instead sitting there feeling sorry for yourself.”

“Thank you for those few words of encouragement. I feel a whole lot better.”

---------

ETA: I've realised I have two stories posted on Lit very much in this form I never did like describing characters.

 

[angela146]

Well, here is a re-write of one of my stories.

I have a few non-word audible sounds like "slurp" and "kiss" and "smooch".

In my world, that counts as dialog.

The action is a little rough but it's all consensual... after a fashion.

-----------

Prelude and...

You need to stop working. You aren't getting anything done, and you're working too hard at not doing it. Stop.

No.

Lean forward, let me in behind you.

Hmmm... You feel like a chick on the back of a motorcycle...

... You're distracting me.

Smell my wrist.

... Smooch.

Must type.

How would you do it?

Hmmmmm.....

Slurp.

Do what?

It.

OK, I'll stop... Now what do you want?

How would you do it? I want you to enjoy it.

I'm afraid I would hurt you.

So hurt me – I won't break.

Slurp.

If I go too far, I'll lose you. You'll hate me for taking advantage of you. If I don't go far enough...

Hand me the fork.

... Blueberry pie? Yum!

Hey! Urgh! Not in the ribs!

Hold still, it's just a desert fork. Keep your eyes closed. Don't resist.

... Steady....

Damn you, wench!

Blueberry and a few drops of blood, but I'm not done yet.

... Oh, and I'm too small to be a wench... And my boobies wouldn't fill one of those dresses...

Please stop pushing...

Breath darling.

Mercy?

Do you still love me?

Fuck that hurts! Yes, I love you! Now stop it!

... Aaaahhh!

Would you love me if I went too far?

Yes... although I'm not sure what... Jesus!

Will you leave me if I abuse you like this – for no reason but my own pleasure?

No – of course not, I won't leave you.

Ah... Christ! Drop it!

Oh, alright...

Is that better?

Owww! Yes, much!

I'll kiss it later.

Smooch.

So, how would you do it.

I could threaten – or force...

... Or both.

... It would be sudden.

... Maybe I would come home early or maybe just do it on a whim...

... I would scare you.

Smooch.

Probably in a moment of anger – frustration with the world...
... or with you; maybe when you get on my nerves...
... That's might be it. I might be angry, pissed off over something you did.
... Instead of scolding or punishing...

... I'd do it.

Slurp.... I love you.

Push you against the wall. Get in your face. Lay into you. Slap you. Pin your arms. Rip your blouse. Bite your lips. Shove my hand down your skirt. Pinch you – again and again.

I'm your wife. I belong to you. I want you to feel your ownership of me.

... Your arms are impossible. I can't get both hands around them.

That feels good, actually

... How much is too much?

It's up to you.

I mean it. If I hurt you badly...

It's too much if ... if I can't please you anymore. Peck.

So, I shouldn't do anything to you that I don't want to live with...

Giggle. Leave some marks, little permanent marks in hidden places.

... So how would you do it?

Come here. I want to see you.

... I need to see your face. I need to know if... I just need to know.

... No, sit on my lap facing me...

... Your body is... a little heaver than it looks...
... but still... it's like having an elf or a pixie for a wife.

... How on Earth did a six-foot-three man,

a competitive archer, with arms bigger than my body...

Yes, how did I fall in love with such an... insignificant woman?

Slap!

Ha ha! After the fork, that didn't hurt much at all!

SLAP!! Five foot two isn't that short for a woman!
... The fact that I'm a foot shorter than you - darling -

... has as much to do with you as with me.

True, a lot of your smallness is really thinness –

... so narrow-waisted – narrow even in your shoulders... hips.

Giggle... I'm Perky... sometimes.

... A wildcat... sometimes.

But you're so damned fragile!

I won't break. We girls are built for it. It's what our bodies are designed for. Men have been doing it to us for a long, long time. I can take it.

I suppose... but... rape?

What good is it to have an enormous hunk of a husband if you won't occasionally use your muscles on me? I can't feel your strength unless you use it. I can't experience you if you hold back. You married a pipsqueak. I married a giant... It's what we both wanted.

So close – so small – it would be so easy...

... But it would be wrong...
... I should pick on someone my own size.

... But... I guess... big or small, you're my wife.

... But... as my wife... when you married me, you put your trust in me.
... I can't hurt you.

When I married you, I put my faith in you.
... I don't need to trust you. I don't mind if you hurt me.

... I married all of you - including your strength - including your anger -
... including the blueberry syrup in your moustache.

Lick. Kiss. Slurp, mmmmmmmm.....

Slurp.

Breath, darling...

... Hee hee. Your eyelashes tickle.

... So, how would you do it?

Your wrists in my hands... like this... Squeezing them hard... Like this...

There you go.

I'd kick the lap desk aside like this...

... and sprawwwwwwl you with your still in my lap... like thiiisssssss.

Ugh...

... Yikes! Oh, thank God, there's carpet here!

... Hey! Those were new underwear!

... NOOOOOOOO! Not right NOW!

Why not?! You're wet enough for two women!

Oh, GOD you're HUGE! EASY! Not all AT ONCE!!!

... DAMN IT! I can't STRETCH THAT FAST!

... OH MY!!! NOOOOO PLEEEAAAASEEEE! You're HURTING ME!

You wanted it! Now TAAAAAKE IT! Oh GODDDDD that's GOOD!

Your BODY... You're CRUSHING MMMMMMM'

... Ah... lv... yw...

STOP FIGHTING! ... or not...

... Eeek!

 

[oggbashan]

Here's one I wrote earlier...

"We are here, Minister. This is the site for our urban regeneration project. As you can see it is all brown field land.”

“I can see an old tower block. What else was here?”

“Several more of the same. That one will come down next week.”

“It doesn’t look too tall as tower blocks go. I’ve seen taller.”

“Yes, Minister, but we still couldn’t get reasonable tenants for any of them. We tried everything. We had action teams, special hit squads for litter and graffiti, extra police patrols, CCTV, hotlines to report anti-social behaviour, you name it, we had it. We poured money into the area but it got us nowhere.”

“What did the tenants say?”

“Most of them were young, Minister. Families with children. They complained that there was nowhere safe for the children to play, the schools and shops were over a mile away, there was no community spirit, that sort of thing.”

“But were their complaints justified?”

“We don’t think so, Minister.”

“You showed me the plans. They look very nice. Pleasant houses in quiet cul-de-sacs with open play areas. I didn’t see any shops or schools on the plans. Nor a church or a pub.”

“A pub? No, Minister, we couldn’t put a pub into this development. We had enough trouble with alcohol abuse on the old estate.”

“Shops? Schools?”

“Minister, we have to use the land as efficiently as possible. There are shops and schools on the main road. And a pub. The old estate didn’t have them. If we put them in our new development we would have to reduce the number of dwellings. We might damage the existing schools and shops.”

The Minister sighed.


30 September 2003 Postcard – Minister (282 words)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

That's interesting. Very tough too.

Normally, I'd be reluctant to actually write like that. I'm not concerned about the lack of attributives, the "he saids" and "Mary replieds", but the lack of the little rhythmic spacers and non-verbal signals people use when they talk: "he leaned back and sighed," "she looked at him hopefully," "he started to smile, then caught himself." I use those little modifiers all the time when I write, and their sudden absence would stick out like a sore thumb.

The reason I'd be reluctant is that after the first 3-4 lines your reader notices what you're doing and thinks, "Hey! Look at this! The author's showing off!" and he notices you behind the scenery and starts watching your technique and you destroy the illusion of your story.

But you know where this works? In a voyeurism setting. As an overheard conversation it's just perfect, and in fact it's the only way to go.

And thankd for that punctuation. That ellipsis at the start of the sentence. I'd never seen that before.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Hmm!

Here's a bit from my POTC fanfic-- in the original there's a lot of movement, and a couple other people that enter and leave. But I've stripped it to its barest bones, and I think it tells the story nearly as well;

***

"I done it, though, Captain and... you'd put any man... off. Off the Pearl, off..."

"Jamie, lad, I won't let ye leave this ship."

"That ain't right. The men won't stand for it. I wouldn't stand for it, Jack, you favoring your pet. And the crew ain't never..."

"They will."

"Why should they?"

"Ye won't get off lightly. I don't use th' cat if I can do 'most anything else. I can't do anything else. You're to be flogged. Not scuttled."

"... Sixty..."

"Forty less one, Moses' law, we ain't the fucking Navy. Not that it makes much difference to yer back, sorry to say. After ooh, say, twenty, it's all the same."

"Thankee, Captain, I -- I'll gladly... I c'n stay aboard?"

"The men wish ye to remain one of the company. It'll be this noon, soon's Macauley's finished knotting. The, cat."

"And, who..."

"Mr. Turner, or Mr. Shaftoe, lad. An' ye know they'd both see fair by ye."

"Please, let it be Ja- Mr. Shaftoe? Captain?"

"He don't much care for th' idea, goes against his Vagabond ways. But he wouldn't go easy on ye, don't think it."

"Bill might."

"Why would ye think that?"

"I'm young in his mind."

"He won't think that after today."

"Please ask 'im, I ain't askin' him to go soft, but-"

"That ain't quite for ye to say, now is it?"

"Nossir. Ty, how is he? His arm..."

"Ty's mending, glad to say. It'll be a while till he can swing a sword again, but ..."

"Captain... I -- I'm..."

"I know, lad, y'ain't never going to forgive yourself. I got a few of 'em meself, times I wake in th' night and remember, an' wish it could be undone. And there's no help for it, not if ye're th' kind of man ye be. Y'are, Jamie. Ye've th' makings of a fine man."

"Jack."

"Mustn't neglect me own watch, lad. They'll come f'r ye in a bit."

 

[Stella_Omega]

Critiques of what's up so far?

Slyc, yours tells a very clear story. When I read this line;
"You're . . . you're holding my hand."
I thought; "ooh, cheating, he's telling the action... but then it became the punchline as well, and was a nice call back to the beginning... All the same, I wonder if you can change that just a little, because it is the only spot in the whole piece that jars me. (me, me, me!)

Neon, I remember reading your original story,and I thought it expressed the frustration and anger of that character very well. In the snippet you've posted, the language doesn't seem conversational, but I recall that it was recognisably their voices when it was part of the big picture.

Angela, It's a hot story, and not too rough-- not in my opinon, anyways But with that many short lines, it gets disconnected for me, the reader... You might think, IMO, about condensing the lines, and letting each character have more to say at a time.
Whatever you do though, don't delete that "Smell my wrist" line! It's so natural, and illustrates her playfulness that gets the ball rolling-- puts her right into my mind's eye. (she looks a lot like you, isn't that odd?)

Ogg, geeze... I lived a few miles away from the projects in Chicago. Unbelievable!

Mine.. obviously, I can't tell if it works for the reader or not. I will say that in stripping the actions away, I deleted a ton of melodrama. Whether the drama remains is not for me to say. Anyone?

Interestingly enough, the next passage, where Shaftoe does flog the skin off of Jamie's back, is told without any dialogue, from inside Shaftoe's head. He hates it, and the only way he can do it is by shutting down, so he isn't hearing anything.

 

[lisa123414]

“oh yes, right there, right there!”

“c’mon, baby, don’t I need to move it a little?”

“no, no, no, wait….no, yes…..there, yes, YES! THERE, Dont you dare move!”

“dayum sweetie, I can’t stay like this forever, hurry up already, please…..baby? Are you…?”

“please, please, baby please…..just a…..just a little while longer….please?”

“okay, but as soon as Oprah is over, I am outta here, you can hold your own damn antenna!”

 

[tickledkitty]

Critiques of what's up so far?

Slyc, yours tells a very clear story. When I read this line;
"You're . . . you're holding my hand."
I thought; "ooh, cheating, he's telling the action... but then it became the punchline as well, and was a nice call back to the beginning... All the same, I wonder if you can change that just a little, because it is the only spot in the whole piece that jars me. (me, me, me!)



What if it was a question? "You're holding my hand?" Like she can't believe it. Just a thought.

You all amaze me with how clever you are. God, I'm such a noob.

 

[Stella_Omega]

What if it was a question? "You're holding my hand?" Like she can't believe it. Just a thought.

You all amaze me with how clever you are. God, I'm such a noob.

Good solution!

 

[slyc_willie]

“oh yes, right there, right there!”

“c’mon, baby, don’t I need to move it a little?”

“no, no, no, wait….no, yes…..there, yes, YES! THERE, Dont you dare move!”

“dayum sweetie, I can’t stay like this forever, hurry up already, please…..baby? Are you…?”

“please, please, baby please…..just a…..just a little while longer….please?”

“okay, but as soon as Oprah is over, I am outta here, you can hold your own damn antenna!”

That was a good one. Just needs the appropriate capitalization.

Stella: Thanks for the critique. I sort of wrote that off the top of my head, and the 'you're holding my hand' line resonated with me.

I liked your passage. The spelling within the dialogue -- kind of made me think of good ole southern boys, though -- was realistic and authentic. I've always enjoyed reading stories where dialects and slang terms are expressed this way.

Jenny: You're probably right about the length of my passage. It seemed fairly quick when I wrote it. But reading it over again, I'm borderline as to whether or not something that long would go over with the reader. I suppose it just comes down to personal preference.

Mabeuse: LOL. I never considered readers might think an author was trying to show off with a tactic like this. And you're right about the voyeurism aspect. The times I've used it beyond just a few lines has been to describe a telephone conversation. The characters can't see each other, read each other's emotions, so why should the reader?

I'm glad to see some real discussion on this style of writing, as well. Obviously, it's more common than I believed, and there are different ways to pull it off.

 

[impressive]

I have a couple dialog-only, no tags stories here. They're fun.

 

[lisa123414]

That was a good one. Just needs the appropriate capitalization.

capitalization smapitalization - hate 'em. only use them when forced to. wasn't there someone else who got away with it?

But yes, Willie, you, of course are correct.

hmmm, also cant start a sentence with but; as i recall.....butt is okay, but "but" is not. so then do I say "Butt Willie....?"

 

[Stella_Omega]

capitalization smapitalization - hate 'em. only use them when forced to. wasn't there someone else who got away with it?

But yes, Willie, you, of course are correct.

hmmm, also cant start a sentence with but; as i recall.....butt is okay, but "but" is not. so then do I say "Butt Willie....?"

It's dialogue... it's okay.

 

[slyc_willie]

capitalization smapitalization - hate 'em. only use them when forced to. wasn't there someone else who got away with it?

But yes, Willie, you, of course are correct.

hmmm, also cant start a sentence with but; as i recall.....butt is okay, but "but" is not. so then do I say "Butt Willie....?"

Only if you're planning on smacking your head against mine

However, there are instances when you can begin a sentence with 'but' or 'And.' It's just really tricky.

 

[lisa123414]

It's dialogue... it's okay.

thank you Stella! (caps signify respect!)

 

[neonlyte]

capitalization smapitalization - hate 'em. only use them when forced to. wasn't there someone else who got away with it?

But yes, Willie, you, of course are correct.

hmmm, also cant start a sentence with but; as i recall.....butt is okay, but "but" is not. so then do I say "Butt Willie....?"

Write conversation just as your characters would speak it, else it won't make sense. We all speak sentences starting with And or But. If it sits natural in the writing, that's the way to write it.

I also use And to start 'thought speech' 'cos that't how I think; a thought pops up and it starts with an And if it's part of a continuous line of thinking.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I liked your passage. The spelling within the dialogue -- kind of made me think of good ole southern boys, though -- was realistic and authentic. I've always enjoyed reading stories where dialects and slang terms are expressed this way.

Thankee

The Ole Southern accent is pretty well descended from the English accents of the 1700's, as a matter of fact

 

[TE999]

First Date

"Morning, beautiful."

"Oohhh. Hi sweetie."

"Didn't mean to wake you, but I had to pee really bad."

"That's okay, c'mon back to bed."

"Mmmm, you feel so good."

"Gimme a kiss."

"You were amazing last night. I've never cum so hard."

"Me either. I am worn out."

"Too bad, I thought we might..."

"I'm not that worn out. Ohhh, right there."

"Like that, huh? I can't believe we've worked together in the same office for three years and you finally got up the nerve to ask me out."

"I wasn't sure if you were interested in me. I just have to nibble that one more time..."

"Now stop it. We'll be late for work. Ahhhhh...damn."

"I just thought of something. What if everyone notices I'm wearing the same clothes two days in a row?"

"I'll find something of mine you can wear. Let's have a quickie, babe."

"Mmmmmm...let's"

"I think I love you, Beth."

"I love you too, Susan."

 

[slyc_willie]

Nice one, Agent 99

Not having to use dialogue tags or any other tell-tale information made it easier to spring that little 'surprise.' It could have been done otherwise, of course, but that's just the point.

Thanks, TE

 

[TE999]

Nice one, Agent 99

Not having to use dialogue tags or any other tell-tale information made it easier to spring that little 'surprise.' It could have been done otherwise, of course, but that's just the point.

Thanks, TE

Thanks, willie.

I use dialogue extensively in my stories.

I think it gives depth to the characters and makes the story more lifelike, as opposed to a continual third person recitation of what's happening.

 

[lisa123414]

Nice one, Agent 99

Not having to use dialogue tags or any other tell-tale information made it easier to spring that little 'surprise.' It could have been done otherwise, of course, but that's just the point.

Thanks, TE

Ibid, Agent 99

I did not even suspect when the clothes were mentioned. Love this post.

 

[TE999]

Ibid, Agent 99

I did not even suspect when the clothes were mentioned. Love this post.

Thanks, lisa. back at'cha.

You wrote a lil' dandy up there.

Okay, who's next?