Writing Challenge ~ 2nd - 14th April 2011 ~ Reviews and Comments

[Britwitch]

WRITING CHALLENGE REVIEW THREAD ~ APRIL 2011 ~ PART ONE​

Just a few little rules for this thread:-

• This thread is for comments and reviews only. Submissions go here!

• Please keep your comments focused on the pieces posted for the challenge running from 2nd – 14th April 2011 only, this is not really intended to be a thread for conversation/flirting/mayhem and so on (Sorry to be a bore!). Writers should be able to find reviews/comments for their pieces without having to trawl through pages of banter (no matter how amusing/sexy it might be!)

• Readers/Reviewers:- Please keep your comments and reviews polite and, wherever possible, positive. If you have constructive criticism or advice for writers please do give it but be polite about it! You don’t have to like everything you read but if you really don’t have anything nice to say about something then I would suggest you refrain from posting. And if all you want to say is you liked a piece and no more…that’s great too! We all know how writers like to be appreciated!

• Authors:- Please take constructive criticism as it is intended, as an attempt at improving possible flaws/problems/areas of confusion in your piece. They are not (hopefully!) personal attacks on you or your work.

• This is supposed to be a fun way to get to know new writers and potential partners, to exercise our writing brains, it’s not a competition, please keep that in mind!

• One more thing…suggestions for future prompts are very welcome and should be PM’d to me – Britwitch – as a link ideally.

Previous challenges and reviews can be found here.

Happy reading!

 

[Last_Rider]

Untitled - wideeyedone

I liked this, it felt like a moment for the character, just a longing moment by one who's missing that feeling. Short enough to keep to the point, with enough characterization to give the reader a feel for what's going on.

 

[fr33ks33k]

Wideeyedone, I enjoyed the personal glimpse you gave of your character. The longing she felt that was only reawakened by a stolen sight.

Rider, your piece made me smile at the very end. It seems cynical but also quite logical for a photographer to think that way. Being a rather large cynic myself, I found amusement in the last line.

As for my own submission, I decided to try my hand at a narrative. I don't know if I like how it turned out, but I'm going to leave it as is and take any advice on what I could do better next time.

 

[Last_Rider]

Through the Scope - fr33ks33k

Very good, you should try narratives more often if they're this good. The setup was good, the minor shock of knowing that his target was someone he'd been watching, the way his mind worked over the girl before and after he pulled the trigger. I definitely liked this.

 

[fr33ks33k]

HermesVoice and DarkWarrioress, both pieces were well done.

Hermes, yours was short but very evocative. It's interesting how very few words can create grand images in the mind.

Warrioress, the apocalyptic ending to your submission was foreshadowed well. It seemed more a commentary on the time passing, and even the finality of whatever blasted the land was not enough to slow it.

I hope to see more from both of you, in further challenges as well as around the Lounge. It's a big, scary place but there are some more friendly beasties about. *chuckle*

 

[Last_Rider]

Untitled - HermesVoice

Short, but shorter can create much more vivd imagery within the reader. Definitely well done, and personal reminder that I needent be so wordy.

Untitled - DarkWarrioress

The sense of dread or foreboding you managed to weave into the rest of your piece was very well done. I agree with fr33k that it seemed more about inevitability and time passing as opposed to something bleak and depressing. Well done.

 

[HermesVoice]

Thanks to both of you.

I'm conflicted whether it reads better "I turned for home ..." or "I turned to go ..."

I like the irony implicit in mentioning a home that's shown broken in the very next clause, and I also like softer "f / h" consonant sounds as they are reminiscent of sighs.

At the same time, in a post that's all about sparseness, the shorter vowel sounds and that sibilant "t" work better. And mentioning a home implies there's still a place in the world for this character, an outlook which is somewhat less bleak than a simple "to go."

*shrugs*

 

[Last_Rider]

The Promise - ObscureInsanity

I liked this a lot, the emotion, the knowledge and intimacy both characters share, the fact that even though things haven't worked there is still caring between them, it felt very real.

 

[Britwitch]

Untitled ~ wideeyedone

Have admired your work from afar for a l-o-n-g time (followed your thread with Magbeam many years ago!!) and loved this piece. Short but sweet, made me want to read more, to find out more about Emily and her little life. Super stuff!

 

[Britwitch]

Almost ~ Last_Rider

I loved the 'twist' to yours, the ending fitted perfectly but was enough of a surprise to make me smile. As always with your writing, thoroughly enjoyed it!

 

[Britwitch]

Through The Scope ~ fr33ks33k

This was amazingly well written. Not over the top, his watching didn't come across as too creepy, it felt almost familiar - that stirring we all get when we catch sight of something we know we shouldn't watch but instantly lack the ability to stop ourselves from doing so.

I have to admit I almost worked out your ending before it came but I thought she would be the 'mark'. What I really like about this is the fact that this could almost be the beginning of another story. The story of him finding her...great stuff!

 

[wideeyedone]

Untitled ~ wideeyedone

Have admired your work from afar for a l-o-n-g time (followed your thread with Magbeam many years ago!!) and loved this piece. Short but sweet, made me want to read more, to find out more about Emily and her little life. Super stuff!

thanks, Britwitch. I hope that we will get to write in the same thread sometime.

 

[Last_Rider]

Almost ~ Last_Rider

I loved the 'twist' to yours, the ending fitted perfectly but was enough of a surprise to make me smile. As always with your writing, thoroughly enjoyed it!

Always happy to make you smile Brit, glad you enjoyed it.

 

[Last_Rider]

The Bridge... - fddb410

A different take on the prompt, but definitely interesting. The tie in between past and present, the sacrifice of the soldiers to allow something a simple as a couple embracing on a bridge, very well done. I completely enjoyed it.

 

[fddb410]

I'm so glad that I found these challenges. It's really being challenging writing for them and wonderful reading all of the submissions to each one. The ones posted so far were all wonderful for this one. I enjoyed every one.

Untitled ~ wideeyedone
I loved this little vignette into Emily’s life and longings. It was poignantly told and the imagery of the brief moment in her life was exquisite.

Almost ~ Last_Rider
Mr. Rider...I loved your story. The irony of the photo’s acclaim and his artist’s view had me smiling. I’ve dabbled with photography my self and I totally got it. It was a wonderful ‘snapshot.’

Through the Scope ~ fr33ks33k
Your story seemed very real to me. I was totally into the shooter’s mind through your words. The imagery formed in my thoughts as I read it was very nearly in a cross-haired frame. It was a great read...beautifully written and told.

Untitled ~ HermesVoice
What a wonderful submission. In so few words you managed to tell a whole story with which I think most people could identify. I did for sure.

Untitled ~ DarkWarrioress
Wow, you really managed to set a tone of unexpected imminent doom. Yet there seemed to be still some faint hope of a future time though the quality of it was entirely uncertain. You wrote it very well.

The Promise ~ ObscureInsanity
Being a closet romantic, I was totally into your bittersweet love story. Despite their parting your couple seemed still very much immersed in their love and respect for each other. Not the happiest scene but a beautiful one none the less.

 

[fddb410]

The Bridge... - fddb410

A different take on the prompt, but definitely interesting. The tie in between past and present, the sacrifice of the soldiers to allow something a simple as a couple embracing on a bridge, very well done. I completely enjoyed it.

Thanks Rider....I'm glad you liked it. I had originally another thought about what I might write. When I started writing it morphed into something much different. I wasn't sure if it worked or how it would be received. Thanks for your feedback.

 

[fr33ks33k]

Light Ice, your tale was very noir. I enjoyed the repetition of his vision of the eyes. The murky depths that reflect a darker personage. At first, I thought the man interrogating to be Death, but his true identity was an interesting surprise. I find myself feeling the way the man being questioned does, though I am not sure I would have the balls to say what he does in the face of such a being.

 

[Britwitch]

This challenge is now closed for new submissions but please feel free to read and review those pieces already submitted.
Thanks to all who have participated, be it writing, reviewing or both!!



The next challenge will begin tomorrow, 15th April

​

 

[Vail_Indigo]

So, after reading Light Ice's I felt compelled to post something.
LI, I wanna start out by saying that, while I thought it was a tiny bit self-indulgent (much like my own writing often is) I also thought it was very well written. I really like the violence and the cigarettes, particularly.
My thing is the twist.
I question the tool in general. I pretty much knew what it was going to be about halfway through. This isn't a comment on the work itself, I usually know what the twist is gonna be (almost the point really). But I think that its sort of a tired, and not very effective device.
I think that, after, y'know, a gabillion twilight zone episodes in the past, and movies like The Sixth Sense in the present, we've really done the thing to death.
Wouldn't it have been more interesting to spend time exploring a bit more time exploring what it means to sit in conversation with jesus while being completely unable (or unwilling) to ask for forgiveness instead of having to dance around it?

Again, I enjoyed the story, and the writing (though I'm not sure I agree with the protagonist's view completely), and I'm just using this as a springboard for some thoughts on an overused device.

 

[ObscureInsanity]

Thank you very much Last_Rider and fddb410 for the Review I appreciate it!!!