Writing Challenge ~ 1st - 14th March 2011 ~ Reviews and Comments

[Britwitch]

WRITING CHALLENGE REVIEW THREAD ~ 1st - 14th MARCH 2011​

Just a few little rules for this thread:-

• This thread is for comments and reviews only. Submissions go here!

• Please keep your comments focused on the pieces posted for the challenge running from 1st – 14th March 2011 only, this is not really intended to be a thread for conversation/flirting/mayhem and so on (Sorry to be a bore!). Writers should be able to find reviews/comments for their pieces without having to trawl through pages of banter (no matter how amusing/sexy it might be!)

• Readers/Reviewers:- Please keep your comments and reviews polite and, wherever possible, positive. If you have constructive criticism or advice for writers please do give it but be polite about it! You don’t have to like everything you read but if you really don’t have anything nice to say about something then I would suggest you refrain from posting. And if all you want to say is you liked a piece and no more…that’s great too! We all know how writers like to be appreciated!

• Authors:- Please take constructive criticism as it is intended, as an attempt at improving possible flaws/problems/areas of confusion in your piece. They are not (hopefully!) personal attacks on you or your work.

• This is supposed to be a fun way to get to know new writers and potential partners, to exercise our writing brains, it’s not a competition, please keep that in mind!

• One more thing…suggestions for future prompts are very welcome and should be PM’d to me – Britwitch – as a link ideally.

Previous challenges and reviews can be found here.

Happy reading!

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Lily

ok, yeah, it was a little sappy and all that, but there was an honesty to it, a sincerity. I can see myself writing a letter like that.
And the little details, the geese and all, were nice touches.
I particularly liked the last paragraph.

The only thing I didn't like was: "The night her world exploded"
Just seemed like too melodramatic, even for this piece.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

ok, yeah, it was a little sappy and all that, but there was an honesty to it, a sincerity. I can see myself writing a letter like that.
And the little details, the geese and all, were nice touches.
I particularly liked the last paragraph.

The only thing I didn't like was: "The night her world exploded"
Just seemed like too melodramatic, even for this piece.

I actually took that phrase literally-as in, something exploded and someone died. If it's meant figuratively, you're right.

I also really liked it. It's short, but it was still enough to make me feel very melancholy.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

I actually took that phrase literally-as in, something exploded and someone died. If it's meant figuratively, you're right.

I also really liked it. It's short, but it was still enough to make me feel very melancholy.

Well, knowing Lily, I thought it might be literal too...an image of a nuclear war popped into my mind...
but, really, when you look at the context, there's not much to support a literal interpretation.
But yeah, thats where my head went.

 

[Mephistophelily]

It's based slightly on rl event. A friend of mine lost her fiance in an accident a few years ago.
Which, yes, involved an explosion.


...and I realize now I posted my thing too early. Its not the 1st. Oooops.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

It's based slightly on rl event. A friend of mine lost her fiance in an accident a few years ago.
Which, yes, involved an explosion.


...and I realize now I posted my thing too early. Its not the 1st. Oooops.

Challenge opens when the prompt goes up. Yer fine, woman

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Noon Shadow

OK, this started out badly for me. I didn't like how you alluded to what mark had done instead of coming out and saying it. I also felt the language felt more 1950s than 2011 (that followed the piece all the way through).
BUT
Once we started getting into her head more, I was sucked into her crazy. That definitely worked. And, ultimately, thats what makes this piece basically work.

Couple other issues:
1. you obviously rushed this and I'd love to see a rewrite. I mean, there's actually typos (I think) that make a sentence I don't understand.
2. I think the rewrite would make you polish the writing in general. "His breath had been stolen with the first thrust, and the blood flowing out of as did his life. His face was surprised, stunned". Noon, you write better than this.

3. The fire is cleansing bit...i like her burning the place to the ground. The 'cleansing' thought felt forced to me. Maybe if there'd been some fire symbolism before.

4. I can't tell if I liked the ending. "the police found her".

BUT, as I said, her crazy is infectious, and it carries the story. I just think it needs refining.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

OK, this started out badly for me. I didn't like how you alluded to what mark had done instead of coming out and saying it. I also felt the language felt more 1950s than 2011 (that followed the piece all the way through).
BUT
Once we started getting into her head more, I was sucked into her crazy. That definitely worked. And, ultimately, thats what makes this piece basically work.

Couple other issues:
1. you obviously rushed this and I'd love to see a rewrite. I mean, there's actually typos (I think) that make a sentence I don't understand.
2. I think the rewrite would make you polish the writing in general. "His breath had been stolen with the first thrust, and the blood flowing out of as did his life. His face was surprised, stunned". Noon, you write better than this.

3. The fire is cleansing bit...i like her burning the place to the ground. The 'cleansing' thought felt forced to me. Maybe if there'd been some fire symbolism before.

4. I can't tell if I liked the ending. "the police found her".

BUT, as I said, her crazy is infectious, and it carries the story. I just think it needs refining.

It really does need some editing, but it wasn't easy for me to write, and therefore, it's not easy for me to read either. Thanks for the criticisms, though.

I really did force that fire bit. Obviously, the burnt paper is in the imagery, so I was going that direction with her burning the whole damn thing down, but it didn't materialize until I got to it.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

It really does need some editing, but it wasn't easy for me to write, and therefore, it's not easy for me to read either. Thanks for the criticisms, though.

I really did force that fire bit. Obviously, the burnt paper is in the imagery, so I was going that direction with her burning the whole damn thing down, but it didn't materialize until I got to it.

Fire is tough. I find myself drawn to it, and I think its sort of an easy tool. Usually, if I employ it, I end up having to go back and put something in so it fits, y'know?

 

[Noon_Shadow]

Vail, as for the language-is that something you need needs redress, or do you think fits a bit better as the story begins flowing? It was kind of intentional, as she's not only crazy, but has some old-fashioned ideas as well. He's the only man she's ever slept with, so she's not exactly a member of the sexually liberated generation.

 

[Vail_Indigo]

Vail, as for the language-is that something you need needs redress, or do you think fits a bit better as the story begins flowing? It was kind of intentional, as she's not only crazy, but has some old-fashioned ideas as well. He's the only man she's ever slept with, so she's not exactly a member of the sexually liberated generation.

chuckle
well the first sentence of this post needs a little clarification

I think you can make the beginning language work a bit better if you give us something of her background. Show us that she was sort of conservative and all before even meeting him. That might work.

 

[Noon_Shadow]

All right, I've done a basic edit, addressing all the things Vail pointed out. Unless I go back and spot a typo, I'm probably done with this submission for now. I certainly don't feel like doing a full re-write. Hope everyone else who reads it enjoys it.

 

[Alana_]

Just read Asa's piece, and loved what it was about. Very simple, and very nicely told. I completely enjoyed it. I loved your attention to the details in all the short glimpses into other relationships she witnessed at the restaurant.
The only problem Asa I had with it, was the lack of punctuation. There were a couple of areas where a pause was needed to make sense of some of the sentences, and also there was no " quotations" when there was dialog. Both matters meant having to reread some parts just to tell the difference between what was being said, and thought.

BUT, the story was beautiful, and other then the punctuation, it was very well written, drawing up a very mellow picture of a relationship that needed a little bit of help.

I love it.

 

[Alana_]

Noon, I loved the story. I think I must have read it after your edit, as I didn't see anything wrong with it. The girl was nuts! That was obvious, and that was the premise of the story which in the piece I read, I thought you detailed very well.

Well done, and thank you for sharing it.

 

[Alana_]

Lilly I loved the mushy letter. I think, for me, cause I don't see stuff unless it's right there in front of me, but I think it could have been a little bit clearer in the last few lines what went wrong.
Had he just left? Or was the explosion/heaven reference a hint that he had died and the letter was carrying her words to him? I'm sorry, I don't sound very complimentary. I just thought the notion of either death or the demise of a relationship was rather nicely touched on, and would have been ''beautiful'' had it read just a little clearer.

Your language and ability to create a sense of sadness is great though, so don't take my criticism to heart.

 

[Asa]

Just read Asa's piece, and loved what it was about. Very simple, and very nicely told. I completely enjoyed it. I loved your attention to the details in all the short glimpses into other relationships she witnessed at the restaurant.
The only problem Asa I had with it, was the lack of punctuation. There were a couple of areas where a pause was needed to make sense of some of the sentences, and also there was no " quotations" when there was dialog. Both matters meant having to reread some parts just to tell the difference between what was being said, and thought.

BUT, the story was beautiful, and other then the punctuation, it was very well written, drawing up a very mellow picture of a relationship that needed a little bit of help.

I love it.

Thank you hun. Figured I would try one. Punctuation was never my strong suite in my typical instinct writing but they way write what ya know just made the relationship in the story a little worse than what I have seen irl *lol* Will see what I can do later on about rewrites or whatever.

Glad ya like it thought hun.

 

[Alana_]

Thank you hun. Figured I would try one. Punctuation was never my strong suite in my typical instinct writing but they way write what ya know just made the relationship in the story a little worse than what I have seen irl *lol* Will see what I can do later on about rewrites or whatever.

Glad ya like it thought hun.

Asa, I really liked it!

And you don't need a rewrite, not at all. The general feel and layout is lovely.It's just these " buggers" that need putting on where there's speaking, and if you have the time a reread out loud, and where you pause, pop in a coma. After that, it's a beautiful piece.

 

[Last_Rider]

Short cheesy luuuv - Mephistophelily

Short, poignant, almost poetic in many ways. I enjoyed this.

Fucking Bastard - Noon Shadow

Interesting piece, it starts kind of slow but picks up once we start to realize how crazy she is. I'm assuming your editing helped this since I didn't have any of the issues that Vail did. As it's your story feel free to ignore, but I thought she more likely would have committed suicide to stay with him, or tried to keep some part of him with her. That's just from my own little warped perspective, well written though.

untitled - Asa

Your detail is wonderful, at times a bit overwhelming but it fits with the way her mind was functioning at the time. Focusing on details helps keep the other stuff away. The lack of quotation marks to denote dialogue is confusing, towards the end we're not sure where the words end and the description begins. Other than that I liked it.

Mission Completed - Cosmic Knight

As a general rule I'm not a fan of soapbox pieces, but the format here helps with that. You avoid preaching too much about any one of the evils of humanity and stick to the ones that pose planetary issues. I actually liked this one upon reflecting on it.

Slitherthing - Vail

Shouldn't be a surprise I liked much of this, but I'm kind of a horror junkie. Switching between the thing and the girl works very well, going around the mindless thing and the desperate victim. I definitely enjoyed the whole thing, kudos to you again.

My own contribution should be up shortly, providing my muse stops being such a bitch. I get the distinct impression she snagged the idea for this prompt before it fully formed and is now trying to blackmail me for it.

 

[Last_Rider]

untitled - Cherry

I liked this. Granted it was dark, but it transitions from the almost exuberant feeling to the reality of horror in a quick but totally realistic manner. The little details are nice, though part of me wonders if him dropping the visor and the resulting distraction didn't cause the accident in the first place. But then again I'm morbid like that.

All that remains - fr33k

You've got quite a poetic bent to your work, something I'm envious of. I think the freehand approach works here, i.e. lack of formatting, and contributes to the feel of it. Very well done, though the amount of bleak pieces this image has conjured up is a little surprising.

 

[xOxCherryxOx]

untitled - Cherry

I liked this. Granted it was dark, but it transitions from the almost exuberant feeling to the reality of horror in a quick but totally realistic manner. The little details are nice, though part of me wonders if him dropping the visor and the resulting distraction didn't cause the accident in the first place. But then again I'm morbid like that.

You wondered correctly! I was wondering myself if I wrote it well enough someone caught on to it. smiles Thank you Rider.

 

[Last_Rider]

Sacrifices - Firmhanded Daddy

First of all, very nice to see you again J, been far too long. This piece shows just how talented you are and why you've been missed. This is perfectly believable and had more than enough tension. Your connection to the prompt near the end was poignant and perfectly fitting with the rest of what you wrote. This was very very good.

 

[Firmhanded_Daddy]

Sacrifices - Firmhanded Daddy

First of all, very nice to see you again J, been far too long. This piece shows just how talented you are and why you've been missed. This is perfectly believable and had more than enough tension. Your connection to the prompt near the end was poignant and perfectly fitting with the rest of what you wrote. This was very very good.

Thank you for the encouraging feedback Rider.

I am glad that you enjoyed it. Honestly I felt like I didn't do the picture in my head justice. I haven't written much of note in a while. Things are winding down here a little so I am hoping to get back into things.

It's good to see some friendly faces again!

 

[yeishia]

Thank you for the encouraging feedback Rider.

I am glad that you enjoyed it. Honestly I felt like I didn't do the picture in my head justice. I haven't written much of note in a while. Things are winding down here a little so I am hoping to get back into things.

It's good to see some friendly faces again!

*slips in to hug you * whispers "I liked it too"

 

[Last_Rider]

untitled - fddb410

I enjoyed this for a few reasons, one being the scope. The earlier parts are just groundwork, but have enough heart to them to make up for the brief time we spend there. The following part, him in the cabin dealing with his grief, was incredible. The pain felt very real, the letter made sense, as though actually written like that. I applaud you sir.

untitled - princess

On the whole I liked this a great deal, only a few personal things. Firstly, the abortion subplot didn't sit well with me, but then again neither does that whole topic so I freely admit that's probably just me. The other thing was I doubt that by the time she'd taken another lover, or at least found someone else she loved, that she'd go through the whole wedding thing without having already planned to leave. Despite changing the tone of the story, shifting the first few paragraphs to that end, her already planning on eloping with someone else, might tie much of the story together. I just didn't quite accept her going from trying to feel better on her wedding day to callously running off. Other than that, very well done.

 

[fddb410]

untitled - fddb410

I enjoyed this for a few reasons, one being the scope. The earlier parts are just groundwork, but have enough heart to them to make up for the brief time we spend there. The following part, him in the cabin dealing with his grief, was incredible. The pain felt very real, the letter made sense, as though actually written like that. I applaud you sir.

Thank you very much Last_Rider for your comments. I was simply moved to write it once I saw the photo. It felt very real as I wrote it. I sincerely appreciate your feedback on my first effort here.