'Writers' Question - Can one say...

[neonlyte]

Here is the sentence:

He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and his discovery of the power of humility.

It's the 'power of humility' that I'm uncertain about. The context is failure, the shedding of arrogance, and the way in which humility shaped his outlook.

Alternative suggestions welcome

 

[oggbashan]

Here is the sentence:

He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and his discovery of the power of humility.

It's the 'power of humility' that I'm uncertain about. The context is failure, the shedding of arrogance, and the way in which humility shaped his outlook.

Alternative suggestions welcome

I am unhappy with 'of how'. I would prefer 'about the crumbling of his arrogance' and 'his discovery of the power released by accepting humility'.

Og

 

[Recidiva]

Here is the sentence:

He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and his discovery of the power of humility.

It's the 'power of humility' that I'm uncertain about. The context is failure, the shedding of arrogance, and the way in which humility shaped his outlook.

Alternative suggestions welcome

"He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled. In the wake of that collapse came the discovery of his humility and the power that held."

 

[TheEarl]

I am unhappy with 'of how'. I would prefer 'about the crumbling of his arrogance' and 'his discovery of the power released by accepting humility'.

Og

Disagree. I like the way Neon's phrased it personally and I can see exactly what he's conveying with 'of how'.

In fact, I like the whole sentence. I'd keep it as is, if I were you.

The Earl

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Here is the sentence:

He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and his discovery of the power of humility.

It's the 'power of humility' that I'm uncertain about. The context is failure, the shedding of arrogance, and the way in which humility shaped his outlook.

Alternative suggestions welcome

Og's suggestion is a good one. Here's one more:

"He spoke of the power of humility and how his arrogance had crumbled."

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Pure]

He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and his discovery of the power of humility.

it is not quite grammatical

ogg's idea is good.

also--

he spoke of the crumbling of his arrogance and discovering the singular* power of humility.

*or, remarkable, special etc.

 

[TheEarl]

Og's suggestion is a good one. Here's one more:

"He spoke of the power of humility and how his arrogance had crumbled."

Rumple Foreskin

Changed my mind. Agree with Rumple. Par for the course really.

The Earl

 

[Guest]

..............

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Changed my mind. Agree with Rumple. Par for the course really.

The Earl

Isn't it sick-making? You scrabble to find where Ogg's not quite hit the button, then Rumply sweeps all before him. Thank goodness Shang's not around.

Neon, think RF's solved your prob.

 

[sophia jane]

I agree. Rumple's got it. And I really like "power of humility."

 

[Guest]

.............

 

[neonlyte]

Right Guy's and Gal's

I want arrogance before humility, it is the order of things. That aside, the word 'power' bothered me most.

Of the suggestions, I favour Pure's - for the moment. Recidiva's is a little to wordy in the context of the rest of the paragraph, as is Og's otherwise perfect contribution. The character is describing changes from many years before, the sentence is almost a footnote within a passage outlining the breakdown of a relationship.

Thanks all, will wait and see if any other suggestions come forward.

 

[neonlyte]

Isn't it sick-making? You scrabble to find where Ogg's not quite hit the button, then Rumply sweeps all before him. Thank goodness Shang's not around.

Neon, think RF's solved your prob.

I agree - it would be perfect IF arrogance came before humility. Just to clarify, the passage refers to the breakup of a marriage, arrogance came before humility.

 

[neonlyte]

...of the power in humility


?

Power in humiliation... but then it would be a completely different story.

 

[scbigdog65]

Here is the sentence:

He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and his discovery of the power of humility.

It's the 'power of humility' that I'm uncertain about. The context is failure, the shedding of arrogance, and the way in which humility shaped his outlook.

Alternative suggestions welcome

He spoke of his arrogance crumbling as he discovered the power that lay in humility.

 

[TheEarl]

He spoke of his arrogance crumbling as he discovered the power that lay in humility.

That sounds pretty spot on to me. Are you Rumple in disguise?

The Earl

 

[neonlyte]

He spoke of his arrogance crumbling as he discovered the power that lay in humility.

Yup, nice. But I'd replace the as with and

Thanks

 

[TheEarl]

Yup, nice. But I'd replace the as with and

Thanks

If you're going to make it 'and', then I'd add another 'how' to the sentence to make it read better.

He spoke of his arrogance crumbling and how he discovered the power that lay in humility.

The Earl

 

[gauchecritic]

Here is the sentence:

He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and his discovery of the power of humility.

It's the 'power of humility' that I'm uncertain about. The context is failure, the shedding of arrogance, and the way in which humility shaped his outlook.

Alternative suggestions welcome

Leave out the 'discovery', it's implicit in the arrogance.

He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and the power of humility.

Except that now (and previously) giving humility power gives it a degree of arrogance.

I think I need to explain that, and it's only because I'm concentrating on the isolated sentence.

I can see that he is discovering the power which humility exerts over him but humility doesn't by definition have any power except that which you weild, which makes the humility a mockery. I can't see power and humility sitting well together in one sentence.

Like being very 'umble.

 

[neonlyte]

Leave out the 'discovery', it's implicit in the arrogance.

He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and the power of humility.

Except that now (and previously) giving humility power gives it a degree of arrogance.

I think I need to explain that, and it's only because I'm concentrating on the isolated sentence.

I can see that he is discovering the power which humility exerts over him but humility doesn't by definition have any power except that which you weild, which makes the humility a mockery. I can't see power and humility sitting well together in one sentence.

Like being very 'umble.

'Ey lad. That were exactly my problem. And you're right, you can't judge the 'power and humility' in the character from the short extract I've posted.

I think the juxtaposition of the two words works within the context of the whole, he does have power, conviction, strength... all those things, but only because he came to terms with humility. I've edited this chapter umpteen times in the last week or so, and those three words keep catching me. It's in chapter fifteen so I'm not quite sure why I'm bothered, if they've read this far...

I owe a PM, I'm thinking.

 

[Pure]

scibig is grammatical, at least, but the meaning is (perhaps) changed slightly.

the problem is the 'how' and the parallelism in the original. but underlying that is the two different subjects in clauses of the same sentence.

Added: [[Actually the object is first a dependent clause "how he'd ...", followed by a *phrase based on the noun 'discovery.']]

Making the man the subject.

orig: //He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and his discovery of the power of humility.//

Replacements.
P: He spoke of undergoing the crumbling of arrogance and discovering the special power of humility.

He told how he'd felt the crumbling of arrogance and discovered the special power of humilty.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

If you're going to make it 'and', then I'd add another 'how' to the sentence to make it read better.

He spoke of his arrogance crumbling and how he discovered the power that lay in humility.

The Earl

Neon,

Listen to TheEarl.

Rumple Foreskin

ps: Thanks for the kind words, folks.

 

[3113]

Except that now (and previously) giving humility power gives it a degree of arrogance.

Um, no. Humility simply means that one does not acknowledge or boast about one's power...not that one doesn't have power.

As for the sentence, personally, I'd get rid of the "and" and add in Pure's suggestion of the word "singular":

He spoke of the crumbling of his arrogance, the discovery of the singular power of humility.

 

[TheEarl]

Neon,

Listen to TheEarl.

Rumple Foreskin

ps: Thanks for the kind words, folks.

Jesus fuck. That's made a crappy past hour shine in the final five minutes.

I think I'll frame that post.

The Earl

 

[scbigdog65]

scibig is grammatical, at least, but the meaning is (perhaps) changed slightly.

the problem is the 'how' and the parallelism in the original. but underlying that is the two different subjects in clauses of the same sentence.

Added: [[Actually the object is first a dependent clause "how he'd ...", followed by a *phrase based on the noun 'discovery.']]

Making the man the subject.

orig: //He spoke of how his arrogance crumbled and his discovery of the power of humility.//

Replacements.
P: He spoke of undergoing the crumbling of arrogance and discovering the special power of humility.

He told how he'd felt the crumbling of arrogance and discovered the special power of humilty.

I think you're right - I may have changed the meaning slightly.

Hey, this is pretty fun.