WRITER'S Q. The Desire for Children in a Relationship

[neonlyte]

Looking for any thought's - instinctive, gut reaction rather than reasoned. I want emotional feelings.

I'm editing a major section of a novel originally written entirely as dialogue. It has been critiqued and the consensus view is it requires breaking up with emotional response, thoughts and philosophy (amongst other things). It's a F/M relationship that works on a professional and a personal level. The personal relationship has no conventional future - the male is severely handicapped - bringing children into the relationship is not an option. Consequently the personal relationship has been suppressed by both parties until this passage, which forces both to choose.

I'd really like to hear any thoughts on what would influence the female in making her decision. She is in her mid twenties, career orientated, minority racial background, driven to succeed, in part by her background, but mostly by her devotion to her work. Please bear in mind that she has almost a 'maternal' instinct to the male having worked with him for eight years (professionally) and transformed him from a rebellious teenager to a person who can use his considerable mental skills to create a 'relatively' independent and financially secure future. His disability is the obstacle.

Hope I'm not asking too much, I really don't want to re-write this, then find I've screwed the female perspective.

 

[cloudy]

Neon, I may be in the minority here among women, but I never made a decision to have children, they just happened. Don't get me wrong, I love my children dearly, but that said, I wouldn't base a decision on who I loved purely because he couldn't have children.

There are so many options out there for women who want children, but for whatever reason they can't have them with their partner.

It wouldn't have influenced my relationship decisions when I was younger, not at all. Now, of course, it does, because I have to consider whether a man I'd like to have a relationship with will be good to my children. But, before I had any? No, it wouldn't have made any impact on me at all.

 

[Weird Harold]

Looking for any thought's - instinctive, gut reaction rather than reasoned. I want emotional feelings.
...
I'd really like to hear any thoughts on what would influence the female in making her decision. She is in her mid twenties, career orientated, minority racial background, driven to succeed, in part by her background, but mostly by her devotion to her work. Please bear in mind that she has almost a 'maternal' instinct to the male having worked with him for eight years (professionally) and transformed him from a rebellious teenager to a person who can use his considerable mental skills to create a 'relatively' independent and financially secure future. His disability is the obstacle.

I'm not really sure what you're asking.

The desire for children is not often a rational decision that can be explained and His disability can work on both sides of the emotional considerations.

The nature of his disability is something we need to know to guess at the emotional and rational cosiderations.

Is she "feeling her clock ticking," wants a child with his intellect, but worried about a potential genetic disbility? Or is she wanting to give him a child with his intellect but without the disability?

Is she struggling with the change from "mother figure" to "lover" and/or wondering whether her sexual attraction is sympathy or lust.

From your description, it's hard to tell if she wants a child, is worried about a child, or totally against having a child that he wants. Without knowing what direction she's going, it's hard to guess at the emotional pressures for and against.

 

[neonlyte]

Cloudy & W_H

Thanks for your replies.

I may not have made myself completely clear. There is no physical impediment to this couple raising a family. It's a mental impediment about bringing children into the relationship and all the ensuing difficulties that would follow. For example, the Father would be incapable of following any of the childrens activities outside of the home, he's confined to a wheelchair and whilst I accept there are always 'ways and means', to embark upon the relationship with the intention of bringing children into that setting is quite different from inheriting the setting as the result of some tragic accident - at least, that is what the story is telling me. I was really hoping someone would say 'that's stupid'.

 

[impressive]

Are you asking if a woman with the characteristics you describe would be willing to have a disabled man's child? Complicated question on several levels. Some factors that would influence the decision:

- Is the disability genetic or acquired?

- How will she handle the almost total PHYSICAL care of the child(ren) without assistance? The "parenting" (re rearing, discipline) can obviously be shared ... but depending on the disability, most of the physical burden may fall upon her.

I think it has potential. I personally know of several people with very significant physical disabilities who have had children with their non-disabled mates. Those families are more stable than many others I've seen.

The people with cognitive disabilities often face serious challenges, however, because the state tries to step in and take their children away rather than provide support to aid their parenting.

 

[neonlyte]

Are you asking if a woman with the characteristics you describe would be willing to have a disabled man's child? Complicated question on several levels. Some factors that would influence the decision:

- Is the disability genetic or acquired?

- How will she handle the almost total PHYSICAL care of the child(ren) without assistance? The "parenting" (re rearing, discipline) can obviously be shared ... but depending on the disability, most of the physical burden may fall upon her.

I think it has potential. I personally know of several people with very significant physical disabilities who have had children with their non-disabled mates. Those families are more stable than many others I've seen.

The people with cognitive disabilities often face serious challenges, however, because the state tries to step in and take their children away rather than provide support to aid their parenting.

We might have been posting at the same time, see above. But to answer your questions:
No genetic problem, no financial problem in terms of assistance with raising children.
It is (for me) simply a state of mind, are the consequences of bring children into that setting sufficient to stop the relationship blossoming. It should be read that she is desirous to have children at some time, but there is no cure for the man's disabilities, he can father the children.

 

[impressive]

We might have been posting at the same time, see above. But to answer your questions:
No genetic problem, no financial problem in terms of assistance with raising children.
It is (for me) simply a state of mind, are the consequences of bring children into that setting sufficient to stop the relationship blossoming. It should be read that she is desirous to have children at some time, but there is no cure for the man's disabilities, he can father the children.

If she's invested that much time/energy into the relationship already, I don't foresee a problem with them starting a family.

 

[bridgeburner]

Does the fear of not being good parents keep most people from falling in love and making a permanent commitment? It seems to me that except in rare cases, the people involved in a relationship think of their own wants first rather than the possible needs of theoretical children. It isn't that the needs of possible future children aren't taken into account, but if you're in love with someone then that is generally the focus of a decision of whether or not to make a permanent bond. The only real obstacle as I see it would be if one of the partners wants children and the other doesn't or is infertile.

-B

 

[Weird Harold]

We might have been posting at the same time, see above. But to answer your questions:
No genetic problem, no financial problem in terms of assistance with raising children.
It is (for me) simply a state of mind, are the consequences of bring children into that setting sufficient to stop the relationship blossoming. It should be read that she is desirous to have children at some time, but there is no cure for the man's disabilities, he can father the children.

OK, the concerns you're worried about sound more like concerns HE might have an emotional or irrational problem with rather than something that would likely concern her.


Her potential emotional problems with bearing his child would likely revolve around whether it would cause him to reject her for going against his fears of not being ble to be an adequate father. I'd be surprised if a woman who was considering having his child -- as part of her relationship with him -- would consider the possibility that his disability keep him from being a "good father."

At least your clarifications sound, to me, like a case of she wants to but he doesn't because of insecurity and a lack of self-confidence.

 

[gauchecritic]

The description you give of the woman gives me a future discription of a bitter unfulfilled woman in later years, regretting her decision not to have children.

The career oriented women I've met, even though outwardly happy and usually quite well off through hard work and achievement always seem to me to be wearing Pagliacchi's make up. This could well be me projecting upon them but it is what I see.

I'm obviously painting all women with a very broad brush based on my own up-bringing.

It does seem however, that even considering the question suggests that children are a goal which she has, either consciously or otherwise.

 

[Guest]

The description you give of the woman gives me a future discription of a bitter unfulfilled woman in later years, regretting her decision not to have children.

The career oriented women I've met, even though outwardly happy and usually quite well off through hard work and achievement always seem to me to be wearing Pagliacchi's make up. This could well be me projecting upon them but it is what I see.

I'm obviously painting all women with a very broad brush based on my own up-bringing.

It does seem however, that even considering the question suggests that children are a goal which she has, either consciously or otherwise.

Meaow.

 

[neonlyte]

Thanks for the comments, most recently - Imp, WH, bridgeburner & gauche.

I'll give this a little more time to run but it would appear the eventuality of 'family' would not be regarded as contrived, as long as it's handled properly in the context of the story.

I'm beginning to think 'she' is probably frightened of the responsibility of 'family' in these conditions more than anything else.

 

[Weird Harold]

I'm beginning to think 'she' is probably frightened of the responsibility of 'family' in these conditions more than anything else.

That doesn't sound right unless I've completely misunderstood the scenario.

That sentiment sounds like she's rationalizing to justify an emotional reluctance to actually have the children she plans to have "someday," which doesn't match with the mindset that would encourge and "mother" an invalid into making the most of his life and fall in love with him in the process.

 

[neonlyte]

That doesn't sound right unless I've completely misunderstood the scenario.

That sentiment sounds like she's rationalizing to justify an emotional reluctance to actually have the children she plans to have "someday," which doesn't match with the mindset that would encourge and "mother" an invalid into making the most of his life and fall in love with him in the process.

I'm being unfair on you by holding back on the story and it is difficult to paint the entire scene without giving you more than you'd be willing to read. But this exercise is invaluable in helping me rationalise their thoughts and actions.

This episode comes at a time when he takes the decison to change his life - you don't need to know the details other than it will cause a seperation. It is the threat of seperation that brings the underlying emotional relationship to the surface, their relationship for eight years has thus far been professional but with a strong underlying personal bond.

The personal relationship has cooled while she has been sharing a life with another man, she breaks off that relationship because he wants marriage and children - she doesn't want his marriage and his children. Everything is up for grabs - she has to make decisions, he's using the threat of seperation to flush out her need and future desires. I both hide behind his disabilities, he feels acutely the obligation and burden that he places on others through his condition and feels a guilt for trapping her (to a degree); the move for him is a win-win situation. She's faced with losing everything she's worked for and with, and has to rationalising her emotional state - that is why I suggested she is frightened at the responsibility. If she moves with him - she has to be prepared to carry the entire package.

I don't know whether that helps you, it does help me.

 

[Weird Harold]

The personal relationship has cooled while she has been sharing a life with another man, she breaks off that relationship because he wants marriage and children - she doesn't want his marriage and his children. Everything is up for grabs - she has to make decisions, he's using the threat of seperation to flush out her need and future desires.

You're certainly setting up a scenario where some very complex interplay between emotions, expectations, imlpied obligations/commitments and rationalizations are likely taking place.

I don't think you're going to be able to pin it down to "she's afraid" or any other single emotion or motivation.