Would you be kind enough to offer some feedback?

[jacketjack]

My first submission to Literotica can be found at this link:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=507699

It's a cuckold-themed story. I've written a couple others but not queued anything else for posting yet. I'd appreciate any constructive comments on this. Many thanks for your time & consideration.

-Jack

 

[Experiencedguy]

Other than the fact that this is much more a creampie story than a cuckold, well done. Spelling, grammer, etc. all check out good. Decent veiwership, 2 favorites already, and a very good score for a first attempt. Also, you might want to try a tag for exhibitionism and voyerism.

 

[jacketjack]

Much appreciated. Didn't think to include either exhibitionism or voyeurism tags and certainly should have, so thanks for that. I have a few more episodes involving these characters and anticipate posting a couple more things here.

Thanks for your comments.

 

[imgame]

I found your story to be well written also. The intro to the characters was clear. At the risk of giving a spoiler... I as the reader immediately wanted to know why they were meeting there instead of home (as they're roommates ). However, as the story progresses it all makes sense. The flow was smooth and the dialogue was realistic. Personally I can't find any fault with it. Experiencedguy is right in that it was a creampie story. Good luck with your story.

 

[PacoFear]

I thought it was pretty steamy, but there was a hiccup for me early on insofar as Vanessa makes a fairly abrupt change from "forget about it" to "let's go upstairs" in the zero space of two adjacent paragraphs.

It's here...

"Hey," she chimed in, "just forget it, okay? I think the whole thing is kind of cute. Seriously. And you know, there's nothing wrong with you. You look great, you've got lots of options and lots of opportunities. My friend Carla thinks you're super hot, and I know she's not alone. So just... relax about the whole thing, okay? Have a drink with me."

[Something magical happens]

Jack was halfway through his second glass of cabernet when Vanessa leaned forward and said, "Hey. Wanna have some fun, Jack? A little adventure?" Jack put his wine down as his heart raced. Her look was undeniable.

Seems like there needs to be a bit more conversation between Vanessa and Jack to fill in the gap. Or perhaps Vanessa might receive a brief call on her cell phone (from her boyfriend) and then proposition Jack. The latter would account for her sudden change of mind and give her a distinctly spontaneous, devil-may-care feel.

Just a thought. Do carry on.

-PF

 

[jacketjack]

Paco, that's good feedback. Not sure that it's something magical that happens there but I certainly get the point about the abrupt transition. You're probably right, a line or two of conversation there might smooth that out. Well said, thanks.