Would love some thoughts on my first Lit' poem!

[NorthwestRain]

Hi evveryone, I'm a new addition to this board, I usually hang in the authors section. I've read a few postings here and was wondering if anyone could spare the time to check out my first poem for me, and maybe give some advice. Thank you all,
-NorthwestRain

Saliva

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=82742

 

[WickedEve]

Saliva
by NorthwestRain ©

Swapping the seeds of Spit;
Poppies,
Dancing for Profit on
Slender poles,
Spit fucking and Sliding,
In pits and holes,
Dirty, downright Filthy,
Squandering of Innocence.

Split-arsed in the air,
Spraying the Spectators,
More Sss’ then a pit full of
Vipers and snipers.

I posted the poem so we can look at it. Hmm... I think I would have been tempted to title it SPIT. That's kind of catchy in a way.

This is a lewd poem and pretty well written, IMO. I like "swapping the seeds of spit" and "dancing for profit on slender poles." And I do like that ending! "More Sss' then a pit full of vipers and snipers." I like the way it sounds. But "then" should be "than." And I don't know if snipers make a sss sound. lol

I think some of your punctuation isn't working. I'm not the best with it myself. You need Angeline for that.

I also like your reference to poppies. I know what poppies are but I had to read more about them to see why you used that word. Poppies discharge seeds.

Eve

 

[NorthwestRain]

Thanks so much Eve,
isn't it amazing how you can read something five times and not see such a glaring error.
I wonder if Angeline would be so kind as to have a look at any punctuation problems.
Do you think the format and layout of words and sentences could be done any better?

 

[Guest]

I'm impressed - for what that's worth.

 

[The_Fool]

Saliva
by NorthwestRain ©

Swapping the seeds of Spit;
Poppies
Dancing for Profit on
Slender poles.
Spit fucking and Sliding
In pits and holes.
Dirty, downright Filthy,
Squandering of Innocence.

Split-arsed in the air,
Spraying the Spectators.
More Sss’ then a pit full of
Vipers and snipers.


I tried to punctuate it the way it read to me. Just one suggestion...

 

[The_Fool]

Oh yeah....by the way.....I liked it a bunch.....*LOL*

 

[NorthwestRain]

What about after - Poppies (?)
Anything there?

 

[karmadog]

Rain, I like it, too. But I'm not so sure about the repetition of 'spit'. Not that I have a better idea, because I like both lines that you use the word in.

Good poem.

 

[Angeline]

I wonder if Angeline would be so kind as to have a look at any punctuation problems.
Do you think the format and layout of words and sentences could be done any better?

Hi and welcome. I really like your poem--it’s well-written and sexy! I do think it can be improved with the following changes, which I arrived at by reading the poem aloud to get a sense of its rhythm. This is the way I heard it:



Swapping the seeds of Spit,

Poppies,
Dancing for Profit on
Slender poles,
Spit fucking and Sliding
In pits and holes,
Dirty, downright Filthy,

Squander Innocence.

Split-arsed in the air,
Spraying the Spectators:
More Sss than a pit full of
Vipers and snipers.

I think that first line was problematic because it wasn’t a complete sentence. To make it one, I changed a verb form from a gerund (squandering) to third-person plural (he, she, they “squander). That works both grammatically--why punctuate if it’s not a sentence?--and thematically because I think you’re saying that innocence is thrown away with these actions. Once that change is made, it resolves the question of how to punctuate that first stanza. And I think commas--even though there are a bunch here--make more sense than a semicolon; which would suggest you have joined two independent clauses (and you don’t).

Also reformatted to set off “Squander Innocence,” which seems to me the heart of this poem. (I also set off the first line to make the way to read the stanza aloud clearer.)

The last bit is, I think, an implied subject sentence (i.e., “it is” is implied before “more Sss.” (And note you don’t need an apostrophe after Sss cause it’s not possessive.) So here, you need a colon after “Spectators” because it’s cause-effect--that is, all the stuff that happens before “Spectators” results in “more Sss . . .”

I don’t have a problem with “Sss” referring to vipers though Eve’s point is well taken. You could revise to fix it if you really wanted through. Maybe something like:

More Sss than a pit
full of Vipers.

More rat-a-tat than a roof
full of Snipers.


Hope this helps.

Ange

(If I misread your intended meaning, just ignore my suggestions, lol)

 

[NorthwestRain]

Thanks so much Ange for taking the time, and everyone else for your comments. I will be happy to offer my own critiques on all your work.
Ange, your insights were excellent, and extremely helpfull. I'm not up on my gerunds, so any direction in the grammatical fog is more than welcome.


I somehow feel as if I've found a home. Why did it take me so long to come here? I've meandered in the Authors hangout for too long!
Hopefully we can all work together to improve each others work.

 

[Senna Jawa]

Alexander's sword

Not half bad!


    Saliva
    by NorthwestRain ©


            swapping the seeds of spit poppies
            dancing for profit on slender poles
            spit fucking and sliding in pits and holes
            dirty downright filthy squandering of innocence

            split-arsed in the air
            spraying the spectators
            more sss than a pit of
            vipers and snipers

 
 

 

[Senna Jawa]

Only the line(s):

    dirty downright filthy squandering of innocence

is pathetically poor, spoils the whole thing--it has no poetry in it, just an opinion, "talk". Otherwise it's a good poem.

 

[Senna Jawa]

any other cures?

Simply removing that dirty line (and replacing it with "...")would already cure the problem, would free the poem of such an unwanted ballast.

But if you can come up with something of a value then certainly do.--especially that just removing the offending line makes for an slightly awkward, unsmooth transfer from the first stranza to the second (that's why I suggested "..." instead of nothing).

 

[NorthwestRain]

Thanks Senna, good point. I see what you mean there.
What is it you mean by replace it with "..."
Sorry, didn't get that one.
Cheers.-NWR

 

[Senna Jawa]

Thanks Senna, good point. I see what you mean there.
What is it you mean by replace it with "..."
Sorry, didn't get that one.
Cheers.-NWR

    Saliva
    by NorthwestRain ©


            swapping the seeds of spit poppies
            dancing for profit on slender poles
            spit fucking and sliding in pits and holes
            ...

            split-arsed in the air
            spraying the spectators
            more sss than a pit of
            vipers and snipers