Would love some feedback. My funny/erotic story

[thefoxwhisperer]

Would love some feedback on my first posted story

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-touch-of-cinnamon

Thanks,
TFW

 

[PennLady]

I just read it; what kind of feedback do you want? The content was generally fine, but there were some errors in punctuation, etc.

 

[thefoxwhisperer]

Thanks PL. Generally looking for feedback on the story itself. I realize my grammar is pretty poor. I'm doing my best to improve.

Thank you

 

[PennLady]

Okay.

First off, I thought Cynthia was quite uneven. She's confident, then shy, then not backing down from a challenge, then looking up in surprise, etc. It makes her seem less of a real character and more of a prop. She's doing what you want because you want her to do it, as opposed to her doing it because it's natural to her character. I know it's a short story and I'm not saying you need pages of history of your characters, but I think it would help kind of soften the rough edges of the story as a whole if you made Cynthia more consistent.

Also, you write:

Cynthia was quickly reminded that doing every dumb stunt that her girlfriends dared her to do almost always led to terrible embarrassment, but she was never one to back down from a challenge.

While I get (I think) that you're trying to show that she's fun and brave and saucy this description makes her sound more like a doormat. Why would she continue to do things that "almost always (!!) led to terrible embarrassment (!!)"? Is she so desperate for their friendship or approval?

In that case, I'd just take that part out. Maybe Cynthia really is daring and confident, and her friends like to dare her, and she likes it. But it doesn't have to end in terrible embarrassment.

And if the engaged couple are gay women, wouldn't they more likely go to a lesbian bar/club? Sorry, that's just me.

I'd suggest losing a lot of your adverbs; they're unnecessary.

If I'd edited this, I'd have advised you to break up your paragraphs differently. For example:

"Okay, you win... Cinnamon." He spoke her 'working' name with a not so subtle sarcasm to his tone. Cynthia did a happy clap as he sat up in his chair. "But, to be perfectly honest with you." He continued. "I knew that you didn't work here as soon as you walked up." Cynthia stopped adjusting her white micro dress and put one hand on her hip.

"Oh really? So, what exactly gave me away?" Disbelief rang in her words.

"Well, first off you walked right past a table of business men. They are always easy marks in strip clubs." He pointed out the three men who looked to be on an unofficial business meeting. "And secondly I have spent a lot of time at this club and they have never had a girl as hot as you working here." Cynthia's building confidence suddenly faltered as she felt the heat in her cheeks.

I would have suggested:

"Okay, you win... Cinnamon." He spoke her 'working' name with a touch of sarcasm. Cynthia did a happy clap as he sat up in his chair. "But, to be perfectly honest with you," he continued, "I knew that you didn't work here as soon as you walked up."

Cynthia stopped adjusting her white micro dress and put one hand on her hip. "Oh really? So, what exactly gave me away?" Disbelief rang in her words.

"Well, first off you walked right past a table of business men. They're always easy marks in strip clubs." He pointed out three men in business suits at a corner booth. "And secondly I have spent a lot of time at this club and they have never had a girl as hot as you working here."

Cynthia's building confidence faltered as she felt the heat in her cheeks.

Some things about the club itself didn't ring true to me, but it didn't seem outlandish, just a little off. For example, I had a hard time believing she could just go out on the floor where the tables were, start dancing and pulling her clothes around, and that no one would say something. But since it's fantasy, there's plenty of leeway. I'm not looking for total realism.

I think you went overboard with naming songs; it felt like you were sort of name-dropping, showing what you knew. Nothing wrong with naming a couple, but you might have been better off describing the beats or the rhythm or whatever. It's a risk you run, no matter what you do in a case like this, that the reader won't know the reference, and that's okay.

Also with the songs, you should have set them off with quotes, such as: Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me," "S&M" by Rihanna, etc. I'm not sure of the exact rule, but generally when you are citing a work by someone else, be it a movie, song, book, etc., you italicize the title or put it in quotes.

I'm not entirely sure what you meant by "prayer bow," but I think I got the idea. Not a phrase I've seen before, I guess.

So those are my general thoughts. Good luck and keep writing -- you only get better if you keep at it.

 

[thefoxwhisperer]

Thanks for the thoughtful and detailed reply. Your advise, critique and suggestions make perfect sense to me. I think I am going to make some tweaks to the story as a result.

Cheers!