Would love some CC

[fieryjen]

I'm not very experienced at writing erotic stories, plus english isn't my native language, plus I'm not very experienced with sex itself. So that's why I'm certain that there are a lot of things you people could help me with... so yeah, I can take any kind of constructive criticism.

I've posted two chapters of this story so far, but before I go on, I'd like to know what people think. It's in Novels and Novellas, so it's kinda long. Anyway, I would be very thankful

Chapter 01
Chapter 02

 

[Octavian]

limited feedback

I'm sorry that I can't give you more feedback in depth but here are my comments about your opening paragraph.
Now this is perhaps the most important paragraph of your story because this is where you hook your potential readers. Everyone will read the first paragraph and a number will make a decision about your story based solely on their reaction to this paragraph.
I have to say there is very little to entice your readers. It is flat; how do you stare dully; and the impression given is that of a spoilt child.

'Jenny sat in the airplane, staring dully out of the window. She could see nothing but blue sky, and fluffy clouds below, but the sight didn't matter to her right now. She was still pissed off when she reminded herself just where she was heading for her holidays. It had all been her parents' idea, because they, selfish as they were, had decided to spend three weeks in Hawaii together, and not even considered leaving Jenny alone in the house for that time. '

Now suppose you had started it thus;

Jenny was on her way to Hawaii. Most people would have been ecstatic at the prospect of spending three weeks in such a resort. They would have regarded it as the holiday of a lifetime but Jenny didn't. She was fuming. Why did she have to go on holiday with her parents? Why couldn't they have left her at home?

This I suggest is more likely to intrigue your readers. And if your readers are intrigued they will continue to read.

I hope this limited feedback helps.

Octavian

 

[sweetnpetite]

I agree. I felt intrigued by the new begining. I might hop over and read your story because of the suggested begining. Sorry, I'm having troublle typing today.