Would love feedback/suggestions

[BlueBard]

Hi,

I am trying to figure out what works and what doesn't, so I'd love any feedback/suggestions on my story: "Turnabout is Fair Play."

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=101755

Thanks,

Bluebard

 

[CWatson]

It mostly works. This sort of more-than-two-person play is generally not my thing, but that's okay, we're just in it for the feedback. There's only a few things that could use work:

1) The description of how Lisa and Suzanne got the penthouse suite. Your use of quote marks is confusing. In case you didn't know or forgot, when you quote someone else in your dialogue, you use apostrophes (single quotes) for their speech.

So:

"I can't let you have the penthouse just for a quick look at those titties," he said. "C'mon, please. It's my husband's birthday and we want to give him a night to remember." I lied.

should be

"'I can't let you have the penthouse just for a quick look at those titties,' he said. 'C'mon, please. It's my husband's birthday and we want to give him a night to remember,' I lied."

2) There's one line that's a particular groaner:
> "Damn, that's like electricity shooting straight to my cunt!"
Honestly, man, who actually SAYS that?
The rest of your dialogue, however, is just awesome--it's eminently readable and very vivid. Don't stop don't stop! *moan*

3) The narrator's name. You don't mention it until way late in the story, and so I was kind of startled by it. I was like, "Who's Andre?" It also threw me off because it has that ethnic flavor, whereas everyone else in the story has plain-Jane American names. But that's just me. The whole problem is easily rectified by just having Lisa say Andre's name earlier in the story.

Let's be frank, though: aside from those minor details, you've got a perfectly good story here. I'd normally say that you could probably submit it right now and have it accepted, except that you, uh, already DID that. So, good job, high five.

 

[hiddenself]

So:
"I can't let you have the penthouse just for a quick look at those titties," he said. "C'mon, please. It's my husband's birthday and we want to give him a night to remember." I lied.

should be

"'I can't let you have the penthouse just for a quick look at those titties,' he said. 'C'mon, please. It's my husband's birthday and we want to give him a night to remember,' I lied."

Technically you're right cause it's dialogue now related by Suzanne to Lisa and Jeff. But it's long and I bet it can get tricky that way too. Separating lines would help:

"Let me finish. So anyway, I was all set to give Anthony an eyeful of my tits in exchange for a room. Just like last time," she said this last part slowly for Jeff's benefit.

"Hell, I was even ready to let him fondle my tits if that's what it would have taken, but he saw me coming and started shaking his head right away.

'Don't even start with me,' he said. 'The only room left in the entire place is the penthouse.'

'Great,' I said. 'We'll take it.'

'I can't let you have the penthouse just for a quick look at those titties,' he said.

'C'mon, please. It's my husband's birthday and we want to give him a night to remember,' I lied.

... etc until the final closing double quotes.

[Note the "he said," "I said" repetitions throughout. A little too monotonous.]

 

[BlueBard]

Thank you both. I was aware of the single quote rule inside of someone else's dialogue, but it really came off as confusing. I think the separating lines would have worked better.