Would love feedback on these . . .

[OceanGoddess]

thanks.


The Words

The words can not escape his lips,
but as he rises beneath her hips,
the words come pouring from his eyes,
the bluest blue, reflects the skies.

He enters her and as she sighs,
the throwing off of all disguise,
the armor and the swords laid down,
he is anointed, blessed with crown.

The words swell up inside his heart,
the wounded one so filled with art,
and past pretenders to his throne,
first viewed as gold but only stone.

He looks inside her soul to see
if maybe he can trust this she
for today, a Truth he knows
into his heart, faith seeds she sows.

 

[OceanGoddess]

Another one:

Sacred Source

When all things fail me,
when my heart's tide is low,
I return to my liquid sanctuary
to be washed and filled.

Holy water on my lips,
I turn to my Beloved,
and infuse our souls
with the depth and strength
of my Sacred Source.

 

[The Mystery Valiant]

Another one:

Sacred Source

When all things fail me,
when my heart's tide is low,
I return to my liquid sanctuary
to be washed and filled.

Holy water on my lips,
I turn to my Beloved,
and infuse our souls
with the depth and strength
of my Sacred Source.

I like the ease with which you make such a fine phrase. Well put together! And very graceful words and generous with your vision. But I felt the first poem was too heavily rhymed for the subject. Almost seems stilted or restricted for the subject you are talking about. Maybe a little more freedom in the lace of your rhyming.

The second one is ssoooo sweet and delicious! I feel almost immersed in the flow of the soul and essence that streams in your words! Marvelously captured words and expressions! Very strong wordsmith skills! Major potential!

 

[bluerains]

I also thought

the first poem was a bit to much rhyme timing...to hold its illusion...
the second one is simply lovely...doesn't need any touch up to me...enjoyed the richness of words...

 

[My Erotic Trail]

thanks.


The Words

The words can not escape his lips,
but as he rises beneath her hips,
the words come pouring from his eyes,
the bluest blue, reflects the skies.

He enters her and as she sighs,
the throwing off of all disguise,
the armor and the swords laid down,
he is anointed, blessed with crown.

The words swell up inside his heart,
the wounded one so filled with art,
and past pretenders to his throne,
first viewed as gold but only stone.

He looks inside her soul to see
if maybe he can trust this she
for today, a Truth he knows
into his heart, faith seeds she sows.

my 2 cents,
poem number 2 I like best of the two~
The only finger point I would do with poem number one is in the begining lines having consecutive or reuse of the same words like THE and HE (the last stanza does not do this) but stanza one for instance...

The words can not escape his lips,
but as he rises beneath her hips,
the words come pouring from his eyes,
the bluest blue, reflects the skies.

bottom line is I like both poems

 

[OceanGoddess]

Thanks everyone!

Art, were you suggesting something like this?

The Words

Words can not escape his lips,
as he rises beneath her hips,
words come pouring from his eyes,
bluest blue, reflects the skies.

He enters her and as she sighs,
throwing off of all disguise,
armor and the swords laid down,
he is anointed, blessed with crown.

Words swell up inside his heart,
the wounded one so filled with art,
and past pretenders to his throne,
first viewed as gold but only stone.

He looks inside her soul to see
if maybe he can trust this she
for today, a Truth he knows
into his heart, faith seeds she sows.

 

[wildsweetone]

Another one:

Sacred Source

When all things fail me,
when my heart's tide is low,
I return to my liquid sanctuary
to be washed and filled.

Holy water on my lips,
I turn to my Beloved,
and infuse our souls
with the depth and strength
of my Sacred Source.

i'm not sure about this one. (the other one i've left as i don't much like rhyming poetry, sorry. better left to those who do i think.)

i have some thoughts about this though..

in line one, what fails you? can i have more details please, perhaps an image my mind can acknowledge?

'heart's tide' - for some reason the only thing i can imagine is a heart half filled with liquid, but what kind of liquid i've no idea as you haven't let me know.

'liquid sanctuary' - you return to it, but what is it?

'to be washed and filled' - okay i get the image of washing with liquid, but being filled? do you mean drinking?

'holy water on my lips' - good line, easy image to conjure in my mind

'i turn to my beloved' - easy to imagine

'and infuse our souls' - okay, will the next line tell me what you infuse your souls with?

'with the depth and strength' - still reading, still wanting to know...

'of my Sacred Source.' - what is your 'Sacred Source'?

i'm not sure any of my thoughts help. i'm still learning to write poetry and to read poetry myself. perhaps there is something here i'm not seeing? i think i need to be drip fed the information.

 

[OceanGoddess]

i'm not sure about this one. (the other one i've left as i don't much like rhyming poetry, sorry. better left to those who do i think.)

i have some thoughts about this though..

in line one, what fails you? can i have more details please, perhaps an image my mind can acknowledge?

Various things, really. Might be had an awful day at work, might be that love is far away, or just a down day . . .

'heart's tide' - for some reason the only thing i can imagine is a heart half filled with liquid, but what kind of liquid i've no idea as you haven't let me know.

The juice of life, I suppose. Love, celebration, faith . . .the things that fill the heart.

'liquid sanctuary' - you return to it, but what is it?

It's the ocean.

'to be washed and filled' - okay i get the image of washing with liquid, but being filled? do you mean drinking?

Yes, I mean both being washed by the sea, and also drinking in the water (I know, I know, ick, drinking salt water?)

'holy water on my lips' - good line, easy image to conjure in my mind

'i turn to my beloved' - easy to imagine

'and infuse our souls' - okay, will the next line tell me what you infuse your souls with?

'with the depth and strength' - still reading, still wanting to know...

'of my Sacred Source.' - what is your 'Sacred Source'?

The ocean.

i'm not sure any of my thoughts help. i'm still learning to write poetry and to read poetry myself. perhaps there is something here i'm not seeing? i think i need to be drip fed the information.

Thanks for your questions. I can see how it might be better to be more clear, but I rather like the vagueness, since, of course, it isn't vague to me.

 

[My Erotic Trail]

Thanks everyone!

Art, were you suggesting something like this?

The Words

Words can not escape his lips,
as he rises beneath her hips,
words come pouring from his eyes,
bluest blue, reflects the skies.

He enters her and as she sighs,
throwing off of all disguise,
armor and the swords laid down,
he is anointed, blessed with crown.

Words swell up inside his heart,
the wounded one so filled with art,
and past pretenders to his throne,
first viewed as gold but only stone.

He looks inside her soul to see
if maybe he can trust this she
for today, a Truth he knows
into his heart, faith seeds she sows.

yes... YES ... yes <bigrin... I like (~_~)

 

[OceanGoddess]

Thanks, Art, for the suggestion. I like it much better this way. So glad I asked for feedback on it. Yeah, I know it's awfully rhymey (did I just make up a word again? lol) , but I like it anyway.

 

[cherries_on_snow]

very solid sense of ear here, but the rhythms do seem quite formal. Then again, so does the language, so that didn't pose a problem for me, really. I might just sharpen up the images a bit. What is the bluest blue? This is incongruous for me with sky blue somehow.

I also would be careful of using capital letters for things like truth, unless you mean to employ personification there. (That is, to treat them as if they were persons, characters in the scene). If so, follow it through.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and critique. I read it a few times, so enjoyed the feel of it enough to spend time with it. =D Good luck with it.

 

[OceanGoddess]

very solid sense of ear here, but the rhythms do seem quite formal. Then again, so does the language, so that didn't pose a problem for me, really. I might just sharpen up the images a bit. What is the bluest blue? This is incongruous for me with sky blue somehow.

I also would be careful of using capital letters for things like truth, unless you mean to employ personification there. (That is, to treat them as if they were persons, characters in the scene). If so, follow it through.

Thanks for the opportunity to read and critique. I read it a few times, so enjoyed the feel of it enough to spend time with it. =D Good luck with it.

His eyes are the bluest blue . . .

Thanks for the comments, I appreciate them.