would love comments on an old story...

[Dingus Guy]

I have only had 10 people vote on a story back in February. Mostly because it failed to make the necessary requirements of the Valentine's day story contest. So while the other stories got read, mine pretty much went unnoticed. I, as most authors do, would love a little feedback on my "Wifebeater" story. It is a difficult story to read because of the title, and I understand that. Yet, it is non-sexual story and I think I created an interesting character. Grammar aside, I would love to know your honest opinion(s). The story can be found at the link below, under the stories and poems area at top of the page. Thank you!

 

[hiddenself]

Very politically correct

And kinda melodramatic.

It's decent.
There are a number of errors (expressions and grammar, both) but nothing major.
But what is the point of this story? Yes, the theme is far from uncommon. But why is this "literary"? We read news stories like that all the time. It could be a reasonable piece in a newspaper ("human interest" and such), but a literary story it ain't, IMO.

 

[Dingus Guy]

Re: Very politically correct

And kinda melodramatic.

It's decent.
There are a number of errors (expressions and grammar, both) but nothing major.
But what is the point of this story? Yes, the theme is far from uncommon. But why is this "literary"? We read news stories like that all the time. It could be a reasonable piece in a newspaper ("human interest" and such), but a literary story it ain't, IMO.

It was originally for the Valentine's Day contest. Just to show love has many different levels. I can understand your perception. I wanted to create a character that you had no chose but to hate, and by the end of the story you might feel some empathy for him. Thanks for your review and time.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read it, and I’ve got to admire your ambition for what you were trying to do, but it didn’t work for me for a bunch of reasons, not the least of which was the gratuitous rape/violence scene. To me that just smacked of an author’s trick to sneak a rape/violence scene past the Lit censors by saying, “I’m not showing a rape. I’m showing how bad rape is”. And then you get to show your rape anyway. I’m not saying that’s what you did, but that’s what it seemed like, and the rape scene just turned me off. I was ready to quit right there, and only persevered because you’d told us that it gets better.

But it didn’t really get better. Lance is a two-dimensional character. He’s not a human being, even though you worked mightily to make him one. He’s a 2-D character because the whole story was told almost like a parable. It’s not enough to tell the reader that Lance feels remorse. In fiction, you have to show him doing things that reveal his remorse in a way we can understand and that make us empathize with him. That’s really how fiction works: we get to watch people acting out their problems and emotions and we develop an understanding for them by the things they do and how they do them. This story was way too much tell and not enough show. You told us his story, you didn't show it to us.

Then too, there was an awful lot of cliché in there, from the hard-ass parole officer to the job at the greasy spoon, to his life flashing before his eyes after he’d taken a bottle of pain-killers. I think you relied too much on the stock cliches and didn’t put enough thought into making his situation unique and detailed enough to be interesting and believable.

A good example of this kind of cliche is the scene where his daughter comes to his place. Now, I know she was upset, but it’s been 24 years, for God’s sake, and she was 3 years old when it happened! And she came all this way just to kick him in the nuts? It just doesn’t compute. It would have been much more effective and realistic had there been some uncertainty between them. I mean, in the real world, things are seldom so black and white. A father and daughter would have some feelings for another, and they'd probably be very tentative and confused. They’re probably wouldn't be sure how they'd feel, and there'd be a lot of approach and retreat, or something. The way it is, so black and white, just contributes to the very moralistic, parable-like feeling of the story.

As for the ending, well, like HS said, what’s the point? In the end it seemed like his redemption was just an excuse for the rape scene.

Classic story theory says that a story is always about someone changing, and the story shows us how that change comes about. That moment of change is usually the climax of the story. Here we never get to see the moment of change. What changes him? The kick in the nuts? The OD? The friendly shrink? Something does, but we’re just never sure of what it is. In fact, he’s pretty much already changed when he steps out of prisaon at the start. So where’s the story?

The fact is, that no matter how you try and step around it, the rape and murder is the dramatic climax of this piece. Everything that happens after that is downhill and after the fact, so despite your protests that you weren’t trying to write a wife-beating story, a wife-beating story is, in fact, just what you’ve written.

So like I say, I appreciate what you were trying to do in showing his final redemption and the moral lesson he learns, but the way it's done, I just don't think that comes across as the point of the story.

Best,

---dr.M.

 

[Dingus Guy]

Thanks Dr. M, as always for your time and critique. I am always trying to get better, and you had solid point after solid point I will take to heart in future attempts. I guess I was just trying to write a quick story which was what I did in order to make the contest deadline. I am not excusing myself, just saying that I skipped details I figure could be over looked. Those details were the ones you pointed out. I did say he was remorseful, but as you said I didn't make the character 3 dimensional. I never planned on making a detailed rape scene look anything but it was, rape in its worst form, death. I feel a little guilty now that you see it just as that. I appreciate your words very much. Thank you.