Would like some feedback

[imp42]

I submitted my first story a while back and haven't really recieved any feedback. I'd appreciate it if some of you could read through it, let me know what you think. The url is http://www.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=125743

Thanks
imp

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I have mixed feelings about this. It’s a good story, but there are so many missed opportunities for making it really exciting that overall it’s kind of disappointing to me. I really appreciate the romantic theme, which is pretty original for Lit and has all sorts of erotic potential. The highwayman is a very romantic figure, and the setting of a coach on a road at night is very sexy. But then you don’t really exploit it. You could have really milked the atmosphere for its romantic value and feeling of menace and mystery, but you didn’t pay much attention to that. In fact, so little attention is paid to describing the scene that I searched in vain for some indication of whether it was day or night when this robbery occurred. (He had a candle burning in his room, but that might have been because the room was normally dark.)

There’s a famous poem called “The Highwayman” that we had to learn in 6th grade. I still remember the dramatic opening: “The moon was a ghostly galleon, sailing on the breeze/ The road was a ribbon of moonlight, set beneath the trees/ And the highwayman came riding, riding…” I would have liked to have seen some stuff like that. More atmospherics.

Then you have the erotic situation of a presumably virtuous Lady accosted by a handsome and sexy outlaw on a deserted highway. I expected a bit of sexy non-consensual stuff here, him slowly bringing out the hidden fire within her. But no. She’s all over him from the get go. This ain’t no lady. This is one horny babe, hot to trot. You lose all the drama, right there.

My biggest problem, though, is a puzzler to me. The sex was very graphic and detailed, and seemed to be very good, but for some reason it didn’t do anything for me. I’d really like to get some other people’s opinions on this, because I think it might just be me, but the sex seemed to me to be too much a list of what he did, one thing after another. There was some spark missing between the two of them. Maybe we didn’t get enough of her reaction? Or maybe the fact that she was so eager to fuck? Not enough emotion? I don’t know. As I said, it puzzles me, and I’d like to know what other people think.

One thing I did notice was the use of an awful lot of sentences that started with participial phrases. You know: “Doing this, she also did that.” Some of them were awkward, as in Her own hands rushing to help me, she was quickly sitting nude on the soft seat, panting expectantly. Here the participial phrase has a different subject (her hands) than the rest of the sentence (she). It would have been okay as “Rushing to help me, she was quickly…” or even “Her own hands rushed to help me and she was…” But having to change subjects is awkward and might even be ungrammatical. There are a number of sentences like this is the story, where there’s no agreement between the subject of the phrase and the rest of the sentence.

Check out the following excerpt:

Being gentle as could be, I began slowly pushing against her, letting her adjust to the size. Her fingernails digging into my bare back, I slowly pushed my entire length into her, watching her eyes widen with the sensation. Fingers digging into her thigh, I began slowly pulling myself back out of her, savoring each gasp and moan from her mouth.

Three sentences in a row that start with participial phrases (and, again, in the second sentence that lack of agreement betwen phrase and sentence). The reader becomes aware of the parallel sentence structures, and, once aware, he start to see them everywhere. Parallel sentence structures always have to be avoided, whatever the structure is, unless its used for conscious effect.

So as I say, I think it’s a good story with a great setting. Aside from the participial phrase thing, it’s quite well-written, and you have an eye for detail, something you should make more use of. I’m confused about my lack of reaction to the sex, but I’ll wait to see some other people’s opinions.

Best,

---dr.M.

 

[Spurious Scribe]

I’d really like to get some other people’s opinions on this, because I think it might just be me, but the sex seemed to me to be too much a list of what he did, one thing after another. There was some spark missing between the two of them. Maybe we didn’t get enough of her reaction? Or maybe the fact that she was so eager to fuck? Not enough emotion? I don’t know. As I said, it puzzles me, and I’d like to know what other people think.
---dr.M.

Per Imp's request, I read this story this morning and I sent him a rather lengthy comment, noting the very same thing:

"That almost always makes for the boring revealing of the story teller's action... I did this and then I did that. Next I did this other thing before finally doing this final thing. Catch my drift?"

So, no. I don't think it was just you Dr. M. I wonder if this is not a trap that many of us, myself included, have gotten caught in when we try to write in the first person.

This would appear to be a young man's very first story though, so there is hope; especially when, as you noted, there are some good things about this first effort as well.

 

[herecomestherain]

Imp, Hi, a couple of quick comments. It's a good story that could be excellent. The romantic setting has lots of possibility. I think it lacks tension and a bit of conflict. It's all a bit too easy. Could she be the highly prized, virtuous daughter of a nobleman, making the conquest even sweeter? Could we have more of her reluctance but inability to resist his charms. Could she be a little frightened and need coaxing/gentling along? Could she be so hot for him that she surprises and shocks him? In lieu of tension, humour can help us know and feel something more for the character.

As far as the sex goes, the descriptions are vivid but it's kind of cool, I didn't get a sense of any emotion from either of them. We don't know what he's feeling. Is he overwhelmed with her beauty, surprised by her responsiveness, frightened about being caught, concerned he may harm her? What about her? The narrator needs to interpret some of her actions for the reader or make her actions speak to us. Does she try to cover herself, is she shy or modest? Is she proud of her body and her effect on him? Does she have a sense of her sexual power?

A little more dialogue during the sex would probably let us know more about their feelings.

Two last thoughts. The use of "and then" can make sex seem a little list like. I always think it's useful to give a couple of paragraph advance warning of his impending climax, sort of leads the reader to the conclusion naturally.

I enjoyed the story and it's well written, heat up the sex with a little more emotion and it will be very hot indeed.

'rain

 

[imp42]

I appreciate the comments/suggestions, and will try to take them to heart. I must say that I had hoped for a more positive response, but you learn more from failures than successes, as they say. I only ask for a margin of sympathy, as this is my first story, and I am a mere twenty years old. Thanks again, and keep the comments coming.

imp

 

[herecomestherain]

Imp42, the story is far from a failure. Feedback is tough sometimes, don't worry I've wanted to crawl under a rock on the odd occasion. Trust me, you've got nothing to be sad about. Be flattered that folks have read your story and think enough of it to provide detailed feedback. Most of the comments are items that are easy to action if you want to continuously improve your writing.

Big reassuring squeeze of the shoulders for you. Go write some more!

 

[Buck Funkenstein]

Scale of 1-10

You get a 5