would like some feedback please

[dakotagirl0]

I posted a story and I have had a quite a few readers, but sure would like more feedback. My other story is being submitted. So that will be coming along soon. I hope. Please could anyone give me some feedback on this story I have posted.
Lovers Meet

Thanks

Dakota

 

[BlackShanglan]

Hmmmmm

Quick feedback on this. You lost me on the "soul mates." Sorry. It came over too reductive, too quick, and too common of a phrase. I am with Orwell on this - any phrase that gets used too often begins to lose meaning, and that one is well on its way to cliche. I am not attempting to denigrate the feeling in the piece, only suggesting that it would come through more powerfully with a different choice of words and perhaps with a bit more lead-up to the relationship. I thin you can either make this hot and libido-based or deep and spiritual, but the attempt at a hasty combination didn't work for me.

Shanglan

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I just couldn't buy this one. Two people meet for the first time after six months and the first thing they do is start pulling each other's pants off in a car? They don't talk to each other? There's no shyness, no human interaction besides sucking and masturbating each other?

Okay, so you just wanted to write a great love story. Just a no-holds-barred fuckfest. Even so, the story is very 'tell-y'. You tell us what happened rather than showing it to us, and we never get the feeling that we're there with them. It would have helped if they'd spoken to each other.

You have stuff like this:

He grabbed her left hand and removed her wedding ring, smiling at her and telling her that she wasn't going to be needing that for the rest of the week.

That's what we call telling a story.

You could have written it as direct speech:

He grabbed her left hand and removed her wedding ring. "You won't need this now. You won't need this all week."

The second way puts us into the story and lets us see and hear what's going on. In the first version, you just tell us what happened. That's the difference between showing and telling.

Without the direct speech the story feels kind of remote and distant. It has the feeling of a report rather than a story.

You've got a great sexual imagination. You just have to bring the reader in there with you and show us what's happening. Do a good job of that, and you won't even have to tell us what the characters are thinking and feeling. We'll be able to figure that out from the things they say and do.

---dr.M.