Masters_darque
Virgin
- Joined
- Apr 24, 2003
- Posts
- 6
one has posted a story called rommates under bd/sm and would like any type of feed back on it. good bad whatever. thankies.
would like comments on story
- Thread starter Masters_darque
- Start date
G
Guest
Guest
silversword
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2003
- Posts
- 627
Masters-darque,
Congrats on having your first story posted, it can be a daunting experience to see how it is received, you obviously want to improve your writing otherwise you wouldn't have requested feedback.
So here goes:
the story is in essence a good one, interesting plot and characters however it does have glaring errors which let it down. There are a number of spelling errors but the most are gramatical.
Example:
I'll start from the beginning in this example:
No need for the capital on the second Yeah, mid sentence.
Apostrophies in i`m, use i'm. it makes the word easier to read.
.. a definate one to avoid. If you intend trail of a speach or thought you need three full stops... However these should be used sparingly try and use other methods to break up dialouge.
Then theres ,, or ,,, see above.
~ can't say i've come across this one before, don't have any suggestions other than don't use.
"rolling" after the end of the dialouge is a new sentence and needs a capital letter.
Finally your sentence should always end with a full stop.
I picked this paragraph randomly from the text of your story, I could just as easily picked any other. They all contained very similar and numerous errors.
All this makes your story very hard to read and not in the least engaging. In order to entice a reader it has to be easy to read and follow otherwise they give up.
In what has the potential to be a quite erotic and arousing story I must admit I couldn't finish one sentence without correcting it in my mind.
May I suggest reading some of the posts in the writers resource section and these may provide further assistance for you.
But don't give up, with corrections and a few edits you could make it alot better.
Silver
Congrats on having your first story posted, it can be a daunting experience to see how it is received, you obviously want to improve your writing otherwise you wouldn't have requested feedback.
So here goes:
the story is in essence a good one, interesting plot and characters however it does have glaring errors which let it down. There are a number of spelling errors but the most are gramatical.
Example:
I'll start from the beginning in this example:
No need for the capital on the second Yeah, mid sentence.
Apostrophies in i`m, use i'm. it makes the word easier to read.
.. a definate one to avoid. If you intend trail of a speach or thought you need three full stops... However these should be used sparingly try and use other methods to break up dialouge.
Then theres ,, or ,,, see above.
~ can't say i've come across this one before, don't have any suggestions other than don't use.
"rolling" after the end of the dialouge is a new sentence and needs a capital letter.
Finally your sentence should always end with a full stop.
I picked this paragraph randomly from the text of your story, I could just as easily picked any other. They all contained very similar and numerous errors.
All this makes your story very hard to read and not in the least engaging. In order to entice a reader it has to be easy to read and follow otherwise they give up.
In what has the potential to be a quite erotic and arousing story I must admit I couldn't finish one sentence without correcting it in my mind.
May I suggest reading some of the posts in the writers resource section and these may provide further assistance for you.
But don't give up, with corrections and a few edits you could make it alot better.
Silver
Wicked-N-Erotic
Wicked As I Wanna Be
- Joined
- Jul 16, 2002
- Posts
- 1,095
Masters_darque,
Hello, and thanks for posting your story. It has the makings of being a very good piece, however, you could use some editing. It was hard to follow in places because of misspellings and punctuation. The following are my opinions and intended only to help you.
For example:
She hated blind dates, everyone of them turned into duds. Not one turned her the lest least bit on, nor stirred her insides at all. Letting out a sigh as she turned around, unbuttoning her shirt as she headed to the bedroom.Here the structure of the sentence could be better by rearranging the words, { Unbuttoning her shirt as she turned around and headed to the bedroom she let out a sigh} Kicking the high heels off as she turns looking into the mirror, the soft light of the side lamp, illuminating the sheerness of the blouse, as she lets it down caressing her smooth flesh of her arms. Here again arrangement could help {She kicked off her heels as she turned to look into the mirror. The soft light of the side lamp illuminated the sheerness of the blouse.} I don't believe you should put the next line in here because coming up you say she removes her blouse, she can't remove it twice. Watching herself turning this way and that way,, {extra comma here} each move making the soft muscles in her legs ripple attractively, her ass curving delicately as she undoes the zipper of the skirt letting it shimmy down the long tanned thighs {this should be her long tanned thighs not the long tanned thighs} to drop in a puddle around her feet. Looking at herself she wondered what was so wrong about her that wasn`t attractive. Frowning as she turns around heading to the bathroom sliding the shirt from her shoulders letting it fall, then undoing her bra as she hears the front door open then close again knowing it should be about time for her roommate to come home.{Here is where she removes her shirt as I mentioned above. Also this sentence is way to long, it could be broken up into at least 2 sentences. Frowning as she turns around and heads into the bathroom she lets the shirt slide from her shoulders and fall to the floor. As she is undoing her bra she hears the front door open then close{ drop again}, knowing it should be time for her roomamte to come home.}
I'll stop here, I think you can get the idea of what I'm saying about editing. You have made a great effort and I can tell you really enjoyed writing it. You can have this editied and resubmit it, which I would suggest you do.
Keep writing it gets easier to pick up on these things the more you write. Good luck.
Wicked
Hello, and thanks for posting your story. It has the makings of being a very good piece, however, you could use some editing. It was hard to follow in places because of misspellings and punctuation. The following are my opinions and intended only to help you.
For example:
She hated blind dates, everyone of them turned into duds. Not one turned her the lest least bit on, nor stirred her insides at all. Letting out a sigh as she turned around, unbuttoning her shirt as she headed to the bedroom.Here the structure of the sentence could be better by rearranging the words, { Unbuttoning her shirt as she turned around and headed to the bedroom she let out a sigh} Kicking the high heels off as she turns looking into the mirror, the soft light of the side lamp, illuminating the sheerness of the blouse, as she lets it down caressing her smooth flesh of her arms. Here again arrangement could help {She kicked off her heels as she turned to look into the mirror. The soft light of the side lamp illuminated the sheerness of the blouse.} I don't believe you should put the next line in here because coming up you say she removes her blouse, she can't remove it twice. Watching herself turning this way and that way,, {extra comma here} each move making the soft muscles in her legs ripple attractively, her ass curving delicately as she undoes the zipper of the skirt letting it shimmy down the long tanned thighs {this should be her long tanned thighs not the long tanned thighs} to drop in a puddle around her feet. Looking at herself she wondered what was so wrong about her that wasn`t attractive. Frowning as she turns around heading to the bathroom sliding the shirt from her shoulders letting it fall, then undoing her bra as she hears the front door open then close again knowing it should be about time for her roommate to come home.{Here is where she removes her shirt as I mentioned above. Also this sentence is way to long, it could be broken up into at least 2 sentences. Frowning as she turns around and heads into the bathroom she lets the shirt slide from her shoulders and fall to the floor. As she is undoing her bra she hears the front door open then close{ drop again}, knowing it should be time for her roomamte to come home.}
I'll stop here, I think you can get the idea of what I'm saying about editing. You have made a great effort and I can tell you really enjoyed writing it. You can have this editied and resubmit it, which I would suggest you do.
Keep writing it gets easier to pick up on these things the more you write. Good luck.
Wicked
