Would appreciate some feedback/comments

[HiveMind]

Hello,

I posted another of my attempts at erotica on lit a few days ago and while I'm very happy that the rating is higher than I could have ever imagined and it received quite a few views, I'm a bit disappointed that no one seem to have any comments or feedback on the story. I would very much like to hear what you think of it, what you liked and disliked and whether you're interested in seeing how the rest of the story would unfold.

I realize that I might be asking for quite a lot, but I find that any commentary, no matter if positive or negative, is the best motivator. Thank you very much for those who took the time to read it!

Here is the link if you're interested: http://www.literotica.com/s/milford-family-ch-01

The story is in toys/masturbation section, to give you an idea of what it is about.

 

[PacoFear]

It's a bit of a painful read, Hivers. You've fallen into the usual traps: inconsistent tense; overlong paragraphs; grammar errors; dialogue punctuation errors; and telling rather than showing.

As an example, some of these problems show up in your very first paragraph, excerpted below. Some suggested edits are in bold text:

Rob sat quietly in his seat and could not believe that he was really flying to the U.S. He had dreamt of this moment ever since he could form a thought and now a young, handsome, eighteen-year-old boy from Eastern Europe was sitting in a seat over the Atlantic Ocean, already two hours into the flight, resting his head on his hand, shivering from excitement and anticipation. He came from a poor family who could not afford to send him out to a university, nor cover [] expenses like flying to The States and renting a place. But thanks to his hard labor, those sleepless nights, and a promise he had made to himself to not allow his poor financial position undermine his ambitions, the kid somehow managed to achieve the seemingly impossible.

Throughout, you have some awkward phrasing and/or concepts. Examples below:

"He had dreamt of this moment ever since he could form a thought... ."

"He would still spank his monkey, of course."

"So really, this did seem to provide a plausible explanation why sex was still something everyone kept shush-shush about."

"Everything looked so bright and yet so feelingly comfortable."

Taking everything together, I'm guessing that English isn't your first language. I give you credit for trying. If I'd tried writing something in my second language, it'd be completely unintelligible.

G'luck,

-PF

 

[HiveMind]

Thank you I will try my best to avoid these mistakes. I still don't really get the proper punctuation for dialogues, I'll have to study that a bit, it does seem to be completely different to what I'm used to. Other things are probably due to laziness while editing and well, my bad knowledge of proper grammar.

Hopefully I'll improve in the future. Thank you PacoFear.