Would appreciate feedback

[cptkonga]

On this:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85173

It´s my first attempt on enything even remotely erotic or sexual and I´ve got no idea if it works.

Reading it, I feel that I´m pushing it a bit with the "Blood" part, in a sense of "using a heavy word and hoping it´ll do it´s magic".

ta and a Happy St Pat´s Day to all of yous
Konga

 

[Mythos50]

On this:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=85173

It´s my first attempt on enything even remotely erotic or sexual and I´ve got no idea if it works.

Reading it, I feel that I´m pushing it a bit with the "Blood" part, in a sense of "using a heavy word and hoping it´ll do it´s magic".

ta and a Happy St Pat´s Day to all of yous
Konga

Konga, if you feel that you are pushing it may I suggest you go back to the poem in a few days and re-read it with an objective eye this time. If you still feel that way then do a re-write until you feel it is just the way you wish your topic or theme to be expressed. Then post the poem again on the boards.

And the blood part -its too close to a war at this time to consider it, know what I mean?

 

[WickedEve]

I like the poem but here's a suggestion that I think makes this part read a little better.

I still feel you
Taking me
Your teeth digging into my shoulders
Your nails tearing into my flesh
Blood drying on my chest
seeping through the sheets I've wrapped around me
Pumping through my veins
Filling me
With devotion
and irrational fear

 

[Lady Brittany]

Interesting, but not to sound like an editor or something. Shouldn't the "your's" be instead "yours". Unless this was intentional, since poetry is intended to be free-form, sometimes.

-Brittany