Would adore some feedback on my lesbian/angst story - The Smell of Old Books!

[zoemiller]

Just had a new story published on the site overnight, and I'd absolutely love if people would take a look at it (And, of course, I'd be over the moon if anyone bothered to comment, after that)! The tale of a lonely and closed-off Japanese office worker in Tokyo, a lesbian so deeply closeted she hardly knows she is, The Smell of Old Books is a story of Mariko's deep-seated longing and isolation sparked into vibrant life by a chance encounter.

It's more emotional/fantasy/angst than downright sexy times (though there is a brief flash at the end, to reward your interest~), but I thought people might get into the deep longing and loneliness that eruptis into a frisson of passion. If anything else, think of it like a chaser for the usual "wham-bam" stuff. Which I also love! But ya gotta have range~

I'm never too confident about posting on the forums here, especially with my own work, because I don't want to feel like I'm bothering anyone. But I hope you enjoy, and thanks for taking the time to read!

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-smell-of-old-books

 

[Areala-chan]

Just had a new story published on the site overnight, and I'd absolutely love if people would take a look at it (And, of course, I'd be over the moon if anyone bothered to comment, after that)! The tale of a lonely and closed-off Japanese office worker in Tokyo, a lesbian so deeply closeted she hardly knows she is, The Smell of Old Books is a story of Mariko's deep-seated longing and isolation sparked into vibrant life by a chance encounter.

It's more emotional/fantasy/angst than downright sexy times (though there is a brief flash at the end, to reward your interest~), but I thought people might get into the deep longing and loneliness that eruptis into a frisson of passion. If anything else, think of it like a chaser for the usual "wham-bam" stuff. Which I also love! But ya gotta have range~

I'm never too confident about posting on the forums here, especially with my own work, because I don't want to feel like I'm bothering anyone. But I hope you enjoy, and thanks for taking the time to read!

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-smell-of-old-books

Saw this show up on Naoko's review thread. Needless to say, comment left, but you knocked this one out of the park. Top-notch work.

*huggles*
Areala-chan

 

[NOIRTRASH]

I invested two paragraphs in your tale before moving on. I left no score or comments.

As a rule openings serve diverse functions. The very best openings are like when UPS knocks on your door and you find a mysterious package that arouses your curiosity. Equally effective are court summons or official letters from the police. A beautiful woman usually grabs my attention when I open the door. The guy from Edward Jones annoys me. YOUR opening reminded me of a political flyer.

 

[hadruprider]

It's great. Will comment there...

 

[Dream_Operator]

For me:

• too much purple prose
• way too many similes and metaphors
• too many unnecessary details that don't forward the plot
• the pace was excruciatingly slow
• nothing hooked me, or engaged me, and made me want to read more

I tried to hang in there, hoping something interesting would happen, but ultimately gave up.

You have potential as a writer, but I think you need to focus more on improving your story telling skills and less on composing over-written sentences like this:

Watching his still-unspoken request materialize in the air like a guillotine, poised to strike off the head of my callow resistance in one fell blow, I meekly brook a small compromise.

 

[Areala-chan]

For me:

• too much purple prose
• way too many similes and metaphors
• too many unnecessary details that don't forward the plot
• the pace was excruciatingly slow
• nothing hooked me, or engaged me, and made me want to read more

I tried to hang in there, hoping something interesting would happen, but ultimately gave up.

You have potential as a writer, but I think you need to focus more on improving your story telling skills and less on composing over-written sentences like this:

Normally I'd be right with you on this, but I disagree for one reason: she's writing about a Japanese protagonist, and her style is very much in keeping with the 'shojo ai' (girls love) body of literature and manga.

'Shojo ai' is very heavy on the emotion, slow and deliberate in the pacing, and very much an acquired taste (like an awful lot of Japanese literature itself). Even authors like Kawabata who don't write shojo stories tend to take a long, circuitous route to make their point, and those stories are filled to the brim with enough metaphor and complex wordplay throughout their long narratives where very little action happens to make James Joyce proud.

Girls, especially young ones in the grip of hormones, never turn off their heads, and imagine every possible outcome of a given social interaction as it unfolds, and change their inner narratives and stories about what might happen next as rapidly as they take breaths. That's what a shojo story is all about, and it's what Zoe captured very convincingly here. It's TOTALLY not everybody's cup of tea (or sake), and male shojo enthusiasts are few and far between. If I was a guy, I'd probably agree with you.

But I'm not. I'm a girl. This is how my life looked and felt for a long, long time. That's why this story worked for me. I'm not saying you're wrong. Every point you raised is correct, but in the context of Zoe's story those are all features, not bugs.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

If you write wares with limited appeal take it to the audience it appeals to, if you want a fair appraisal.

 

[Dream_Operator]

Normally I'd be right with you on this, but I disagree for one reason: she's writing about a Japanese protagonist, and her style is very much in keeping with the 'shojo ai' (girls love) body of literature and manga.

I wasn't looking for agreement, just expressing my honest opinion of what I read. The author asked for feedback and I gave it.

As a writer who has also posted several stories on Lit, I have found that constructive feedback is both generally lacking and also incredibly valuable. Personally, I especially like negative feedback because it makes me reconsider what I have written.

Given your comments, I gather that I was probably not part of the audience that this story was targeted to, which is fine. To each their own.

Having said that, I still feel the story lacked tension and drama, and could have been written better\tighter given the problems I outlined in my feedback.

 

[zoemiller]

Thanks Areala for summing it up better than I probably could! It's true that the shoujo genre I'm writing towards is way fruity/fluffier than aligns with most people's tastes, so no hard feelings there. It's just how I be. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to leave feedback, Dream Operator! I appreciate your comments! If you'd like, I have other stories on the site that get "straight to the action," so to speak.

But it's also just true this the sort of stories I prefer to write. I like a slow pace with a lot of time spent inside character's heads. Obviously, that's pretty self-indulgent, but, y'know, I don't make more than a pittance of my smut writing, so I don't try super hard to skew to tastes but my own. With my day job writing forced to skew more to popular taste, I use this stuff to take the edge off, and remove the limiter from my id. It's a nice, fun place to indulge in bad writing habits like thirty exclamation points on every page and every single bit of dialogue attached to a floofy speech verb like "grumbles" or "rejoinders" where in my day to day, I have to conscientiously purge everything that isn't "ask" or "say."

So, while I purposefully wrote with only my own tastes in mind, that doesn't mean I don't appreciate you taking the time! Even so, this story has gotten more positive response than just about every piece of smut I've written combined, so I can take a dollop of criticism in with my overwhelming praise sundae.

 

[JaxRhapsody]

So far I've read the first page(I'm at work), and it seems okay, I see what the other user is talking about, but don't worry, everything has a place, and an audience. It reminds me of this noir type story I started years ago, all kinda drawn out- like an old detactive story, or Sin City. I'll try and read the rest later, I've been working on something myself, and have the nerve, and thought to keep at it, for once. So; I'll be back once I've read the whole thing.

 

[JaxRhapsody]

I like it, especially the razor incident. it's a good read, It does appear like there should more, like something eluding to her apparent crush on the Labrys owner.