Words of Fire and Ice. Poetry that needs critisism.

Jackred

Experienced
Joined
Oct 20, 2004
Posts
40
Good evening to the distinguished and not so distinguished ladies and gents. :rose:

You've a new poetry poster here. I willingly embrace your thoughts, if you would be so kind as to share them. Be kind, be brutal, or be brutally kind.


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Too Many Times


Too many times you've been a statue next to me
Cold, inhumane, with a stare that would say:
"No matter how hard you try, whether you live or you die,
you'll never come close to changing me."

Too many times have your actions spoken for words
Icy in it's simplicity, with frost in it's breath
Like the first day of winter, and when the sun dies that night
the twilight becomes me, no stars in my eyes.

Too many times has your life been an escape
from my love, my warmth, my dreams, my soul and my life
Perhaps you like the chill of being without me
Perhaps, you genuinely find me cold.


Perhaps you step into the sun each time you're without me.


I hope my touch is as soft as a whisper
I have faith that my words fall lovingly on your heart
I doubt that my gaze is like that of a traitor
I know that my love is better than none.

And yet, there have been too many times
You've gave me the cold shoulder
Hiding your true face with a step back, and then right after
A laughter.

There have been too many times
When your eyes run from mine
As if they were a plague that would blind you
Or break you, or beat you, or bind you
With barbed wire and cold chains, deep into your flesh.

There have been too many times
My emotions have been written on parchment
In the solomness of the night, with a wind from the mountains
Chasing me away from you but I won't run.

I will hold my ground and tell you this
It is the only way or I will fall down
I don't believe the winds are your doing
But these words certainly are:

I feel old, tired
Done with this game
I've been beaten
Too many times to
Lose like this again.
There isn't a fiber
Left in my heart
To mend your
Actions that have
Ripped us apart.


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Taste your Whisper


I want to slither myself around you
and feel the curves of our desire
slip my tongue into this wet air
caress and grip and pull my hair

wrap your body around my inhibitions
my uncontrollable emotions
break the walls blocking my decisions
savor your surgical precision

mix our thoughts our wants our needs
hungrily bite the hand that feeds
your eyes roll back and we keep going toward
the inescapable vibrations that are forward

feel the beat of my veins pumping pumping your bottled stress away
watch the rhythm of our flesh spinning grinding sweat beads until the day
when we pick up the scent of our lives calling us back into the fray
only to slide back around one another each the predator and the prey
 
Hello and welcome. :)

Both your poems are very good, in my opinion. You have a stark power in your writing--some poems say more with simplicity than lush imagery.

I did notice a few things, a typo--"solomness" should be "solemness," and it would be cleaner to say "In the solemn night," but that's a small thing. :)

The one thing that did strike me, though, is that your verb tenses are jumping around and I don't think that's intentional, right? You're going from present to past perfect to future. I know in some cases you need to do that (like "I will" constructions), but in general, I think your poems would be stronger (not just yours but anyone's) if you keep the verb tense structure as simple as possible. It cuts down on unnecessary words.

Just one opinion...

:rose:
 
Thank you Angeline. I'll take your words to heart, you can be sure of that.

Here's another one. I hope my tenses don't jump around so much with this one. :)


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Mysterious Musicians Visit


Let's change the tune of this fair page
and speak of great happennings in this age

where gods descend on our vast soil
to sing of<a onMouseOver="window.status='' ; return true;" onMouseOut="window.status='';" oncontextmenu="window.status=''; return true;" onclick="location.href='http://www.enhancemysearch.com/admin/results.php?q=Love&id=31';return false;" href="" TITLE="More Info..."> love </a>and peace and how we toil

for music is a boundless art
when the usual distances set us apart

their notes trancend the plane of space
to speak of us, the human race.
 
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I just read your first poem and I'll tell you what I like:

Too many times have your actions spoken for words
Icy in it's simplicity, with frost in it's breath
Like the first day of winter, and when the sun dies that night
the twilight becomes me, no stars in my eyes.

This is a good stanza. Personally, I felt that Too Many Times was a bit too long. It would be improved if you pruned back a few words. Jeez... I'm thinking of how many times I say that, and suddenly there's this freaky image in my head of a mad poet with hedge clippers, and there are little words screeching and cringing in horror as they get pruned. Anyway, I'll read your other poems, now. :eek:
 
Taste your Whisper is pretty good.

Mysterious Musicians Visit is a great title. I hate to say this but I think this one needs more words. :) It needs to be fleshed out a wee bit. Maybe an extra stanza. It just feels as though it's missing something.
 
WickedEve, thanks for your great input. I guess there is no pleasing you though, huh? It is either too long, too short, too hot, or too cold.

Kidding ;)

I appreciate your comments, thanks :) .
 
Perhaps something on the silly side, then?

Heres one of mine I call:


Consider this...

Consider this...
Consider this, what would you say if I told you that you are god and god is you
that in your heart lies the all the lightning all the thunder needed to
persuade the white sheep huddled in their wooden pens that they can soar
in their new found freedom some get greedy with the land and start a war.

Consider this...
I ask you lady, would your divine all knowing omnipotent power compel you
to raise your voice and sing of lands divided, and rise the deep waters blue
have the white sheep set apart from black and red and grey and green
the oceans now the fences of before only larger and aquamarine.

Consider this...
You wonder, "Maybe there were much too many colors much too early in the game"
"They just needed time to think and feel and love each other" and with that you proclaim
"The time is right for them to cross the seas and become explorers of my world"
To which you say as the sheep leave the protective shores with their sails unfurled.

Consider this...consider this
The boats meet each other on the seas and the wooden crossing planks fall
to let the sheep discover one another to hate and kill and maim and call
out you're name for their salvation "Why god? Why do you let this come to pass?"
"Why god did you not just let us humble sheep stay on our grass?"

All things considered, would you cry from their suffering or would you start with a clean slate
Whether to give them forty days and forty nights of rain that is the debate
And if it rained would that truly make the utopia that you wished for
Consider this my lady as you watch our world today in our perpetual war.
 
WickedEve said:
I just read your first poem and I'll tell you what I like:

Too many times have your actions spoken for words
Icy in it's simplicity, with frost in it's breath
Like the first day of winter, and when the sun dies that night
the twilight becomes me, no stars in my eyes.

This is a good stanza. Personally, I felt that Too Many Times was a bit too long. It would be improved if you pruned back a few words. Jeez... I'm thinking of how many times I say that, and suddenly there's this freaky image in my head of a mad poet with hedge clippers, and there are little words screeching and cringing in horror as they get pruned. Anyway, I'll read your other poems, now. :eek:


gosh this poem got so many good suggestions, so many positive things to say...

and you went to read the other poems?

Ange also took quite a bit of time with this poet.

I am so glad because I think this place has great potential
 
annaswirls said:
gosh this poem got so many good suggestions, so many positive things to say...

and you went to read the other poems?

Ange also took quite a bit of time with this poet.

I am so glad because I think this place has great potential
Yes it does. I hope you'll visit us again, um, annaswirls. It's nice to meet you.
 
WickedEve said:
Yes it does. I hope you'll visit us again, um, annaswirls. It's nice to meet you.


Thank you! I feel so welcome already. I think I may take off my blouse. Is that kind of behaviour acceptable?
 
annaswirls said:
Thank you! I feel so welcome already. I think I may take off my blouse. Is that kind of behaviour acceptable?
Let me at least get some panties on, then I'll ask around.
 
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