Women! Why don't you accept my obvious superiority and worship my awesomeness?

[usedewe]

It's been two years since I have been laid. After a series of mellons, some awesome and some just plain fucking boring or having other issues, I needed to take a break. However I am back because my mommy said I need to leave the produce alone and I need to learn to treat women as sexual objects. Except her. She's never had sex. I've been practicing with my blow up dolls and am ready for the next step

So this is what I am looking for:
1) Must be alive (no exceptions).
2) Must be unreasonably fit. If you don't look like a boy, it won't happen
3) Must have toys and like to masturbate often.
4) Must email me every day. (sounds demanding but I'm insecure and need the constant attention)
5) Must be able to write. I like crayon.
6) Must have no imagination and willing to trythings that are new for me.

This is what you will receive from me:
1) Disrespect
2) Distain
3) You are guaranteed to soak your pillow with tears.

I have a poor facsimile of common sense, and if you're weak, stupid and easily mislead, this could be fun for me. I don't really care if you're having fun. I still have my blow-up dolls. I have a lot of experience with spoiled fruit. And I have a complete collection of Russian BDSM comics, both online and real, and have an extreme amount of arrogance and misogyny.

If interested I want you to respond by pm (not in this thread) to the six statements above and tell me why you would be a good person for me to give my time to. I expect a well written response. I also expect you to be able to keep from laughing.

To actual men or women with intelligence.....please don't bother writing on my thread. I'm terribly insecure and react badly to the slightest hint of anything I think is insulting, which is nearly everything. I know I'm a poser and I don't need any help pointing this out.

I will answer all pm's if I can stop thinking about my own awesomeness.

 

[chanse]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I see what you did there! This is a really funny thread.

 

[photograph]

Give me an hour to work up the courage to appease your awesomeness!

 

[kimbalee]

1) Must be alive (no exceptions). am I breathing? check!
2) Must be unreasonably fit. If you don't look like a boy, it won't happen *looks down in front of my face* uh oh... dammit. I don't look like a boy. strike.
3) Must have toys and like to masturbate often. I wonder who here doesn't like to masturbate? check!
4) Must email me every day. (sounds demanding but I'm insecure and need the constant attention) do I have nothing better to do than constantly check my own email so that I can respond instantly to yours? *thinking* sure, I'll ditch my family and friends and have nothing in my world except the words you send me. check!
5) Must be able to write. I like crayon. well, since I have been dubbed the "Crayon Goddess," (see sig line for proof of this) I think I have amassed considerable bonus points and you may want to overlook my lack of a flat chest. just saying. crayons rock!! check!
6) Must have no imagination and willing to trythings that are new for me. hmmm... can I suspend reasonable amount of intelligence and take direction from an asshat? well... probably though I'm not sure why I would want to... but that's still a check.

This is what you will receive from me:
1) Disrespect well, you'll probably get some back.
2) Distain yeah, I'll return some of that as well.
3) You are guaranteed to soak your pillow with tears. I'm not used to having that particular area of my bedding soaked, so that would be a new experience and new experiences are usually fun.

I have a poor facsimile of common sense, and if you're weak, stupid and easily mislead, this could be fun for me. I don't really care if you're having fun. I still have my blow-up dolls. I have a lot of experience with spoiled fruit. And I have a complete collection of Russian BDSM comics, both online and real, and have an extreme amount of arrogance and misogyny. I guess it's good to be able to entertain yourself as necessary and I'm sure the produce department of your local market appreciates your purchases.

If interested I want you to respond by pm (not in this thread) to the six statements above and tell me why you would be a good person for me to give my time to. I expect a well written response. I also expect you to be able to keep from laughing. I am very sorry to say that I have taken the time to type this damn much and now I am too lazy to copy and paste it into a PM format, so you might have to just deal with it. you might have wanted to lead with this instead of letting me get the whole way to here and waste my time and now probably yours.

To actual men or women with intelligence.....please don't bother writing on my thread. I'm terribly insecure and react badly to the slightest hint of anything I think is insulting, which is nearly everything. I know I'm a poser and I don't need any help pointing this out. the more you know...

I will answer all pm's if I can stop thinking about my own awesomeness. actually... I didn't reply by PM so that I didn't take you away from your reflection on said awesomeness. I know how important that is to you.

 

[chillipepper]

That cheered me up on a boring Saturday morning, thanks!

 

[Bealinda]

Very funny

 

[Wyldfire]

He he he Every bit as good as that other thread! Well done.

 

[usedewe]

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I see what you did there! This is a really funny thread.

Stop laughing at me! I'm serious about this.
Don't you dare disrespect my awesomeness.

It's only because you're jealous of my superiority that you hate me.

So there!

 

[usedewe]

1) Must be alive (no exceptions). am I breathing? check!
2) Must be unreasonably fit. If you don't look like a boy, it won't happen *looks down in front of my face* uh oh... dammit. I don't look like a boy. strike.
3) Must have toys and like to masturbate often. I wonder who here doesn't like to masturbate? check!
4) Must email me every day. (sounds demanding but I'm insecure and need the constant attention) do I have nothing better to do than constantly check my own email so that I can respond instantly to yours? *thinking* sure, I'll ditch my family and friends and have nothing in my world except the words you send me. check!
5) Must be able to write. I like crayon. well, since I have been dubbed the "Crayon Goddess," (see sig line for proof of this) I think I have amassed considerable bonus points and you may want to overlook my lack of a flat chest. just saying. crayons rock!! check!
6) Must have no imagination and willing to trythings that are new for me. hmmm... can I suspend reasonable amount of intelligence and take direction from an asshat? well... probably though I'm not sure why I would want to... but that's still a check.

This is what you will receive from me:
1) Disrespect well, you'll probably get some back.
2) Distain yeah, I'll return some of that as well.
3) You are guaranteed to soak your pillow with tears. I'm not used to having that particular area of my bedding soaked, so that would be a new experience and new experiences are usually fun.

I have a poor facsimile of common sense, and if you're weak, stupid and easily mislead, this could be fun for me. I don't really care if you're having fun. I still have my blow-up dolls. I have a lot of experience with spoiled fruit. And I have a complete collection of Russian BDSM comics, both online and real, and have an extreme amount of arrogance and misogyny. I guess it's good to be able to entertain yourself as necessary and I'm sure the produce department of your local market appreciates your purchases.

If interested I want you to respond by pm (not in this thread) to the six statements above and tell me why you would be a good person for me to give my time to. I expect a well written response. I also expect you to be able to keep from laughing. I am very sorry to say that I have taken the time to type this damn much and now I am too lazy to copy and paste it into a PM format, so you might have to just deal with it. you might have wanted to lead with this instead of letting me get the whole way to here and waste my time and now probably yours.

To actual men or women with intelligence.....please don't bother writing on my thread. I'm terribly insecure and react badly to the slightest hint of anything I think is insulting, which is nearly everything. I know I'm a poser and I don't need any help pointing this out. the more you know...

I will answer all pm's if I can stop thinking about my own awesomeness. actually... I didn't reply by PM so that I didn't take you away from your reflection on said awesomeness. I know how important that is to you.

You are obviously NOT what I am looking for, if you don't look like a boy and decide to call me an asshat.

It's because you are obviously inferior to me that you can not appreciate everything I bring to the table, like my mommy does. I help her set the table and even get to bring out the jello and the salad. Mommy says if I spill those on myself it won't ruin my pretty dress. My mommy loves me and my awesomeness, unlike you. It's because I'm such a manly man that I intimidate you. That and my super smart brain.

But thank you for not pm'ing me. It would have taken more time away from my appreciation of myself. Besides, I've already gotten thousands of responses from very qualified women.

My local produce department loves me, just like all the rest of you should, but don't for some inexplicable reason. They are always smiling when I come in and laughing when I leave.

It's because I am awesome.

 

[usedewe]

That cheered me up on a boring Saturday morning, thanks!

Thank you for respecting me and everything I am.

It is nice that there is one worthy woman in the world that understands how super neato I am, besides my mommy.

Please pm me. I will put your's at the very top of all the pm's I have received. I will even wave the crayon requirement.

 

[usedewe]

Very funny

I am NOT FUNNY! Quit laughing at me!

MOMMY! Make the mean people stop picking on me for being so obviously superior.
What do you mean you're too busy right now? Can't you entertain cousin Dewey later?

 

[usedewe]

He he he Every bit as good as that other thread! Well done.

Thank you for respecting how much better I am than you and not making me feel more insecure.

 

[usedewe]

Give me an hour to work up the courage to appease your awesomeness!

Thank you for pm'ing me. You are officially on my short list of non-melon candidates.

 

[Ligressa]

It's been two years since I have been laid. After a series of mellons, some awesome and some just plain fucking boring or having other issues, I needed to take a break. However I am back because my mommy said I need to leave the produce alone and I need to learn to treat women as sexual objects. Except her. She's never had sex. I've been practicing with my blow up dolls and am ready for the next step

So this is what I am looking for:
1) Must be alive (no exceptions).
2) Must be unreasonably fit. If you don't look like a boy, it won't happen
3) Must have toys and like to masturbate often.
4) Must email me every day. (sounds demanding but I'm insecure and need the constant attention)
5) Must be able to write. I like crayon.
6) Must have no imagination and willing to trythings that are new for me.

This is what you will receive from me:
1) Disrespect
2) Distain
3) You are guaranteed to soak your pillow with tears.

I have a poor facsimile of common sense, and if you're weak, stupid and easily mislead, this could be fun for me. I don't really care if you're having fun. I still have my blow-up dolls. I have a lot of experience with spoiled fruit. And I have a complete collection of Russian BDSM comics, both online and real, and have an extreme amount of arrogance and misogyny.

If interested I want you to respond by pm (not in this thread) to the six statements above and tell me why you would be a good person for me to give my time to. I expect a well written response. I also expect you to be able to keep from laughing.

To actual men or women with intelligence.....please don't bother writing on my thread. I'm terribly insecure and react badly to the slightest hint of anything I think is insulting, which is nearly everything. I know I'm a poser and I don't need any help pointing this out.

I will answer all pm's if I can stop thinking about my own awesomeness.

I am going to tell myself this was and is a fun post. In keeping with the fun...I would require a 72 page contract, a penthouse, an expense account, and I may need a new car and some servants. I'd like similar setup for my wildlife preserves. Likely, a private jet would make sense to travel from my work and my letting you worship me time. Oh wait...I'm supposed to worship you...I have an idea -- equal worship!

 

[photograph]

Thank you for pm'ing me. You are officially on my short list of non-melon candidates.

I made the list??? I made the list!!

My life is now complete, I could potentially be owned by a mama's boy.

Wait a second....

 

[usedewe]

I am going to tell myself this was and is a fun post. In keeping with the fun...I would require a 72 page contract, a penthouse, an expense account, and I may need a new car and some servants. I'd like similar setup for my wildlife preserves. Likely, a private jet would make sense to travel from my work and my letting you worship me time. Oh wait...I'm supposed to worship you...I have an idea -- equal worship!

You can never be my equal because My Awesomeness, like my fragile ego, has no equal.
And no contracts either. This relationship is all one sided, but if you're very good and do everything I tell you, you may have an orgasm some day, because I AM awesome.

Respect my Awesomeness!

 

[usedewe]

I made the list??? I made the list!!

My life is now complete, I could potentially be owned by a mama's boy.

Wait a second....

I am not a mama's boy! You're making fun of me!

MOOOOOOMMEEEEEE! She's making fun of me!

What?
I can't understand what you're saying when cousin Dewey has his snickerdoodle in your mouth.

She's not making fun of me?

Okay.

Yes, worthy one! Your life is more complete than it ever will be. Bow to me! Worship me!

I AM AWESOME!

 

[Zulae]

I think what should be admired is not only your awesomeness, but more so your superior sense of style and manners!

 

[usedewe]

I think what should be admired is not only your awesomeness, but more so your superior sense of style and manners!

At last! Another woman who understands how superniftykeenocool I am.

Enter and bask in the warm glow that is me, little one,

 

[kimbalee]

You are obviously NOT what I am looking for, if you don't look like a boy and decide to call me an asshat.

*drawing on a goatee and standing in front of you with chest bound.*

"ASSHAT!!" there, now I am back int he running.

It's because you are obviously inferior to me that you can not appreciate everything I bring to the table, like my mommy does. I help her set the table and even get to bring out the jello and the salad. Mommy says if I spill those on myself it won't ruin my pretty dress. My mommy loves me and my awesomeness, unlike you. It's because I'm such a manly man that I intimidate you. That and my super smart brain.

*snerk* I think your supersmart brain is made out of your jello.

But thank you for not pm'ing me. It would have taken more time away from my appreciation of myself. Besides, I've already gotten thousands of responses from very qualified women. hey, didn't I specifically say that I didn't want to take you away from that very thing? oh I LOVE how you don't listen to the things I say to you! *swoon* ignore me some more, please! *panting and breathless*

My local produce department loves me, just like all the rest of you should, but don't for some inexplicable reason. They are always smiling when I come in and laughing when I leave. ummm... yeah. LMAO and not going there at all, speaking as a person who used to work in the produce dept of a specialty food store. I know the likes of you...

It's because I am awesome. but of course...

Thank you for respecting me and everything I am.

It is nice that there is one worthy woman in the world that understands how super neato I am, besides my mommy.

Please pm me. I will put your's at the very top of all the pm's I have received. I will even wave the crayon requirement.

WTF, Asshat?!?! I thought we had something special here! That was my strong point and you have completely eliminated it! That's it, we're done! *washing goatee off face and putting pushup bra back on.*

 

[usedewe]

WTF, Asshat?!?! I thought we had something special here! That was my strong point and you have completely eliminated it! That's it, we're done! *washing goatee off face and putting pushup bra back on.*

Well, you obviously cannot appreciate the awesomeness that is me. So you are now beneath my consideration, because you expected me to listen to you, because you expected my to have any consideration for you.

Bad, bad girl, who distracted me, raised my hopes only to waste my time.

I'm telling my mommy!

 

[Wyldfire]

Well, you obviously cannot appreciate the awesomeness that is me. So you are now beneath my consideration, because you expected me to listen to you, because you expected my to have any consideration for you.

Bad, bad girl, who distracted me, raised my hopes only to waste my time.

I'm telling my mommy!

Now mi'jo, pay nice with the girls......... Momma doesn't like hiding the bodies for your awesomeness......

 

[usedewe]

Now mi'jo, pay nice with the girls......... Momma doesn't like hiding the bodies for your awesomeness......

Aaaaaww, Mom!

I'm trying really had to find a real girl, just like you said, but they keep making fun of me!

Why don't they appreciate my awesomeness they way you do? It's because they're scared of it, I'll bet. That and my awesome three inch cock. I've been using the penis pump and the herbal supplements, like you said, and now it's almost as big as a dry erase marker!

 

[Wyldfire]

Aaaaaww, Mom!

I'm trying really had to find a real girl, just like you said, but they keep making fun of me!

Why don't they appreciate my awesomeness they way you do? It's because they're scared of it, I'll bet. That and my awesome three inch cock. I've been using the penis pump and the herbal supplements, like you said, and now it's almost as big as a dry erase marker!

I know you are, Mi'jo, I know.

They are intimidated by your awesomeness. It is a responsibility for you to not make them fear you, no matter how much they tease. You are your mamma's angel, and you are the greatest man to ever walk this earth. You are nothing like the man that gifted me with you.

They will learn to love your awesomeness. Even if mamma has to make them love it. They don't understand it is their place, just like it is all womens' place, to serve any man that wishes to have them. Just remember when they do give in to your awesomeness what your mamma taught you. Their tears are of joy. And the more they resist you the more they like it.

 

[DomKev]

Now i"m feeling insecure about my own search for a submissive. Maybe I need to revise me list to match up with the awesomeness. Ok I won't hijack this clearly superior doms thread with my own measely expetations but visit my own ad to see what i expect from my subs.