Without Mother's Day - Estranged

[XXplorher]

I wonder if my mother will ever reclaim her duties as the woman who put me in this world… and find herself willing, to address the mud of memories that’s left me reeling with deep-seeded abandonment issues ever since I became self-aware.

Or will I remain, by default, uninterested in repairing that relationship… until she’s near death.

At which point I’ll have to endure some sort of unsolvable Tom Cruise situation, like in Magnolia. Exacerbated by my insistence on integrity and truth. What will I do, when expected to fake it, at my mother’s deathbed.

Cuz I can’t possibly care by then, given the absolute apathy I’ve received from her – before and after I stopped trying to 'collect' us.

Generally, how does a mother lose sight of her responsibilities well before her child has a chance to even contemplate beyond himself? How can apathy of that kind, occur after giving birth?



Consider that, while you’re out there with yer Mom’s today. Appreciate her for what she’s earned/deserves from you; the great effort she’s afforded you. Some of us, ain’t got none of that.

Advantage your situation. Make a plus of it.

 

[CandiCame]

Yeah, well, my mom put about as much effort into raising me as I did into her gift, in that it was something I made for myself, didn't like, and then gave to her to get rid of.

Shit... that analogy was way more fitting than I meant for it to be.

...now I've made myself sad.

 

[run_silent]

t's time to walk away. She can't give you what you want. Maybe there is a reason in her mind but you don't need to figure that out. She is sick and you have to understand that. It's OK to move on. It's not your fault

 

[neci]

Generally, how does a mother lose sight of her responsibilities well before her child has a chance to even contemplate beyond himself? How can apathy of that kind, occur after giving birth?

[/B]

i believe it can occur in many ways. some mother's do not have the ability to form a strong attachment to their young, because of drug or alcohol. others due to mental health issues. some were not nurtured themselves as children, and as a way to cope, stopped attaching to others all together. some form unhealthy attachments to other people, like men, and they neglect their children's needs in favor of the demanding needs of an unbalanced relationship.

i also believe children will blame their mothers and project their perceived grievances onto them, coloring situations. so many mother-child dynamics.

my mom is wonderful. i love her and owe her so much. sometimes she drives me crazy. the crying shit has to stop. it has become a family tradition that at every family get together, someone will end up crying, and then everyone is crying. so much fucking estrogen in one room is toxic. then if you say anything about it, it becomes a personal attack on It. there's some kind of emotional detachment survival skill built in there.

 

[Tryharder62]

Both my folks have been gone a couple of years. You don't always get to choose if you get a chance to swoop in at the end. Sometimes they are gone. If there is something you will regret not trying to do then do it before it is too late. If you have done everything you want to and have no regrets on your part then I hope you can find peace. Unfortunately reconciliation doesn't always happen.

 

[lovetoread]

I've not had a mother since I was 10, not her fault, my dad kept her away.

We've not connected at all since I've been grown, I'm not missing anything.

Since my dad died, I'm alone, but this is ok too.

 

[Colonel Hogan]

Stories like these make me both sad and all the more appreciative of the great relationship my mother and I have.

I moved back home from out of state some years ago to care for her and be a part of however many years she has left. As it turns out, she has done as much or more to support me and to enrich my life in that time as I have for her.

If you are a young person who is estranged from your mother, I can only encourage you to try and find a way for that relationship to heal. If you are successful, I think you will find it to be well worth the effort.

 

[warrior queen]

I have the opposite - ever since I married my first husband, my father basically abdicated his role.
He actually told me 'You're all grown up now and you don't need a father any more.'

I will never do that to my kids. I am a parent for life.

 

[parodyluvr75]

We are always alone in this life, it's nice to know we are loved. But I've never found unconditional love, there are always conditions...even if we are unaware of them.

 

[Squibbs]

I wonder if my mother will ever reclaim her duties as the woman who put me in this world… and find herself willing, to address the mud of memories that’s left me reeling with deep-seeded abandonment issues ever since I became self-aware.

Or will I remain, by default, uninterested in repairing that relationship… until she’s near death.

At which point I’ll have to endure some sort of unsolvable Tom Cruise situation, like in Magnolia. Exacerbated by my insistence on integrity and truth. What will I do, when expected to fake it, at my mother’s deathbed.

Cuz I can’t possibly care by then, given the absolute apathy I’ve received from her – before and after I stopped trying to 'collect' us.

Generally, how does a mother lose sight of her responsibilities well before her child has a chance to even contemplate beyond himself? How can apathy of that kind, occur after giving birth?



Consider that, while you’re out there with yer Mom’s today. Appreciate her for what she’s earned/deserves from you; the great effort she’s afforded you. Some of us, ain’t got none of that.

Advantage your situation. Make a plus of it.

No wonder you're a blubbering fool.

Get counselling or draw a warm bath with a sharp blade.

 

[AprilMorning]

I'm sorry that your mom wasn't there for you.... I don't know your situation, but I want, to share mine, my dad wasn't in my life till I was 26, Ihad heard that he almost died, and I wanted to at least meet the man.... we met, and were still close now...its sad that we lost so much time, but atleast were together now...in my dads case, he needed to grow up.. Idont know if you have a similar case... and its.not an excuse for her to not be there for you.. I hope someday soon your relationship can be mended..

 

[Wat_Tyler]

As an adult, I have to come to a few conclusions. First off, it's too late to have a better childhood. Second off, resentment is like setting myself on fire and hoping the smoke annoys the person I resent.


Accept her as she is, forgive her, try to be the best son you can, and move on.

 

[AprilMorning]

As an adult, I have to come to a few conclusions. First off, it's too late to have a better childhood. Second off, resentment is like setting myself on fire and hoping the smoke annoys the person I resent.


Accept her as she is, forgive her, try to be the best son you can, and move on.

Agree

 

[dolf]

As an adult, I have to come to a few conclusions. First off, it's too late to have a better childhood. Second off, resentment is like setting myself on fire and hoping the smoke annoys the person I resent.


Accept her as she is, forgive her, try to be the best son you can, and move on.

Or... just move on. That way he can avoid her continuing poisoning.

Sentimentality can ruin your life.

 

[XXplorher]

i believe it can occur in many ways. some mother's do not have the ability to form a strong attachment to their young, because of drug or alcohol. others due to mental health issues. some were not nurtured themselves as children, and as a way to cope, stopped attaching to others all together. some form unhealthy attachments to other people, like men, and they neglect their children's needs in favor of the demanding needs of an unbalanced relationship.

i also believe children will blame their mothers and project their perceived grievances onto them, coloring situations. so many mother-child dynamics.

my mom is wonderful. i love her and owe her so much. sometimes she drives me crazy. the crying shit has to stop. it has become a family tradition that at every family get together, someone will end up crying, and then everyone is crying. so much fucking estrogen in one room is toxic. then if you say anything about it, it becomes a personal attack on It. there's some kind of emotional detachment survival skill built in there.

Well done, that’s nearly accurate.

I’m aware of everything. I’m sick with analytics, trust me. There;s nothing can be done.

I understand… and yet I don’t. And won't ever.


-What I would give to walk into a family (that’s mine) just bursting with unrestrained emotion. That would be bliss, mate.

Always greener, eh?

 

[XXplorher]

I've not had a mother since I was 10, not her fault, my dad kept her away.

We've not connected at all since I've been grown, I'm not missing anything.

Since my dad died, I'm alone, but this is ok too.

Sounds like an oportune time to get on what wasn't 'allowed' earlier. Dontcha think?

 

[XXplorher]

Stories like these make me both sad and all the more appreciative of the great relationship my mother and I have.

I moved back home from out of state some years ago to care for her and be a part of however many years she has left. As it turns out, she has done as much or more to support me and to enrich my life in that time as I have for her.

If you are a young person who is estranged from your mother, I can only encourage you to try and find a way for that relationship to heal. If you are successful, I think you will find it to be well worth the effort.

That a real good lesson in the rewards of 'unconditional' love (a misnomer, in my family).

You'll often find, when you put aside your own needs, requirements, expectations - you'll be rewarded with far more than you could ever anticipate.

It's a lesson I learned with my neice. And I've tried to incorporate it into my life more entirely since then. But I can't. Cuz nothing is the same as that.

NOTHING is the same as someone being BORN into your situation - choiceless. And the youngest of no choice, truly owes NOTHING. How can they? Did they choose to be born? There's no agreement there. Other than the one that says... they wont ever be neglected.


Applying this method to children of my brother afforded me a ton of new awareness. It worked.

But I am not the father of my mother. She's supposed to be doing that for me, not the other way around. And I simply can't negate that. My brain wont ever allow it.

Cuz... I'm right. And she's wrong.

 

[XXplorher]

Or... just move on. That way he can avoid her continuing poisoning.

Sentimentality can ruin your life.

Hrmm... fuck you, Dolf.


There’s no ‘moving on’.

We adjust, we distract ourselves, we fuck, we suck, we go on vacation, we run down the beach for extended periods of time. We go see movies, we listen to music, we interact with others, we post shit for strangers.

But we don’t ‘Move On’ from the tentpoles of how we came to be. We don’t, just toss aside Mom like a stale piece of toast. That ain’t how it works.

Any attempts you might make to subVERT… are just that. Attempts.



But mainly I WAS just wanting to post a reason for others to accept whatever grief they might be in and appreciate the Moms on the day they earn. (It ain’t a ‘bleed for me’ thing, that gets me nowhere).


Appreciate the thoughts. Get on with it.

 

[dolf]

Hrmm... fuck you, Dolf.


There’s no ‘moving on’.

We adjust, we distract ourselves, we fuck, we suck, we go on vacation, we run down the beach for extended periods of time. We go see movies, we listen to music, we interact with others, we post shit for strangers.

But we don’t ‘Move On’ from the tentpoles of how we came to be. We don’t, just toss aside Mom like a stale piece of toast. That ain’t how it works.

Any attempts you might make to subVERT… are just that. Attempts.



But mainly I WAS just wanting to post a reason for others to accept whatever grief they might be in and appreciate the Moms on the day they earn. (It ain’t a ‘bleed for me’ thing, that gets me nowhere).


Appreciate the thoughts. Get on with it.

and fuck you, too. some of us move on.

like you have the monopoly on shitty parents.

 

[XXplorher]

The Burden:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tymWpEU8wpM


A few listens and I'm good.

 

[gardenia19]

Or... just move on. That way he can avoid her continuing poisoning.

Sentimentality can ruin your life.

I agree with this.

My dad's an asshole. Despite my previous attempts at maintaining a relationship with him he always has something extremely douchey to say to me. I refuse to be put down by him so we no longer speak.

I don't get why people are willing to take so much shit from the people that are supposed to love you just because they're family.

 

[girlsmiley]

Hrmm... fuck you, Dolf.


There’s no ‘moving on’.

Sure there is.

You don't speak to them. You don't see them. You rarely even think about them.

 

[ivantheterrible]

t's time to walk away. She can't give you what you want. Maybe there is a reason in her mind but you don't need to figure that out. She is sick and you have to understand that. It's OK to move on. It's not your fault

what he said................

dwelling on this shit will cause a lot of problems. i've noticed it in many people. women who turn out to be man haters because maybe daddy didn't pay enough attention to them. or because they kept making bad choices in relationships and want to blame the men for their fuckedupness.
dwell on this shit and you'll end up in therapy, getting diagnosed as some bullshit label and on meds you really don't need.
resolve your past, move on, and live.
it's easier that way.

on a side note: i haven't seen my kids in 3 years. my ex disappeared to the west coast with them. no notice to me or the court. the first year left me a mental mess. after that, i let it go. because worrying about them, etc,etc,etc just causes problems for myself. which is exactly what my ex would love to hear about.
i know they are fine, and when they are out from under her wing and mental shit and decide to contact me, we pick up from there.
no problem.

 

[ivantheterrible]

I don't get why people are willing to take so much shit from the people that are supposed to love you just because they're family.

family was the most of my past problems. i realized i just don't need it. i cut them out of my life, and moved on. i neither hate them, nor love them. they can be just any person walking down the street. and i'm a hell of a lot better off for it.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I believe that God sends along special angels to fine tune things, and so some of us get special moms and dads who are crosses to bear.

My mom died 42 years ago. But she taught me a few important lessons before she left. She taught me whats necessary to be a good parent, and how to connect with those who had crappy childhoods.

Obsessing about unhappy childhood is narcissism at its worst. It cheats you twice.