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3rd Place: When men forget their mothers
We were inundated by wonderfully bad sex writing after our call for entries to what we christened "The Bill O'Reilly Bad Sex Writing Contest" (in honor of his 1998 suspense thriller "Those Who Trespass," which is filled with panties and rapidly moving tongues).
The submissions were all worthy of passing along, but in the interest of getting through the day with as few barf-inducing moments as possible, we'll share only a few of the truly egregious erotic passages that, as it were, came to us.
The examples fell into three main groups: classic, pulp and contemporary. The third-place winner, below, is from the classic category and was sent in, graciously, by Nicole McCulloch, who found it in "Tales from the Thousand and One Nights" (Penguin Classics, translated by N.J. Dawood, 1954):
"Ma'aruf cast off his clothes and, climbing into bed, threw himself upon the princess as she lay on her back. He clasped her tight, and she pressed close to him, so that tongue met tongue in that hour when men forget their mothers. He slipped his hands under her armpits and strained her to his breast, squeezing all the honey and setting the dainties face to face. Then, threading the needle, he kindled the match, put it to the priming, and fired the shot. Thus the citadel was breached and the victory won."
2nd Place: Warrior vulva
Third place went to a classic. Second place goes to a slice of pulp from "The Televisionary Oracle," by Rob Brezsny, published in 2000. The offending graphs were sent by Katherine Pryszlak.
The book not only sent shivers through Ms. Pryszlak but elicited this response from an Amazon reader: "This book was perfect for me, but I'm insane." Perhaps you are too:
"Her soaking, rippling, thousand-fold grip oscillates from delicate to firm, from a glissando shimmer to a furious suck, in an impeccably orchestrated rhythm. Warrior vulva. Shaman yoni. Gorgeous cunt that's fully awakened, relentless, and trained in militant playfulness.
"Something like an orgasm begins to announce itself at the back of my head. Hers? Or mine? Or both together? My brain is a sky in which sexually excited particles of honey amber and iced rubies are gathering into storm clouds. My eyes are thick swarms of yellowjackets funneling into the heart of the pregnant thunder. Suddenly, my legs spring out straight and taut, and every bone in my body stretches as if straining to outgrow itself. For a long time -- ten minutes? -- I am coiled stiff on the verge of a rapturous electrocution. And then I feel the spurt of lightning slam out of that sweet spot in the back of my head, wrap itself like hot oil around my spine, and plummet headfirst into the spongy gel of my scrotum. Instantaneously it swims a million tight spirals then spasms back up my spine like an eel on fire, burying itself in the nest at the back of my brain."
1st Place: Genital to genital contact
We read excerpts from "Fanny Hill," from anonymous and unpublished pulp erotica. We read about syrupy hot mounds and burning male bones. But nothing we read caused us to feel the need for a shower the way this excerpt from the Starr Report did.
Maybe it's reading it again after years have passed that brings the obscenity of the text into clearer focus. Or maybe it's the clinical language describing sexual acts that enhances the creepiness of it all. But after reading all of the entries (more than once) this one rose to the top of the heaving heap as the unquestioned winner. Thanks to Ross Cunniff for his keen eye and editorial skills. He must have suffered through the report to find the juicy bits reproduced here and for that, he gets a free year's subscription to Salon.
"According to Ms. Lewinsky, she and the President had ten sexual encounters, eight while she worked at the White House and two thereafter. (35) The sexual encounters generally occurred in or near the private study off the Oval Office -- most often in the windowless hallway outside the study. (36) During many of their sexual encounters, the President stood leaning against the doorway of the bathroom across from the study, which, he told Ms. Lewinsky, eased his sore back. (37)
Ms. Lewinsky testified that her physical relationship with the President included oral sex but not sexual intercourse. (38) According to Ms. Lewinsky, she performed oral sex on the President; he never performed oral sex on her. (39) Initially, according to Ms. Lewinsky, the President would not let her perform oral sex to completion. In Ms. Lewinsky's understanding, his refusal was related to "trust and not knowing me well enough." (40) During their last two sexual encounters, both in 1997, he did ejaculate. (41)
According to Ms. Lewinsky, she performed oral sex on the President on nine occasions. On all nine of those occasions, the President fondled and kissed her bare breasts. He touched her genitals, both through her underwear and directly, bringing her to orgasm on two occasions. On one occasion, the President inserted a cigar into her vagina. On another occasion, she and the President had brief genital-to-genital contact." (42)
Salon.com article
We were inundated by wonderfully bad sex writing after our call for entries to what we christened "The Bill O'Reilly Bad Sex Writing Contest" (in honor of his 1998 suspense thriller "Those Who Trespass," which is filled with panties and rapidly moving tongues).
The submissions were all worthy of passing along, but in the interest of getting through the day with as few barf-inducing moments as possible, we'll share only a few of the truly egregious erotic passages that, as it were, came to us.
The examples fell into three main groups: classic, pulp and contemporary. The third-place winner, below, is from the classic category and was sent in, graciously, by Nicole McCulloch, who found it in "Tales from the Thousand and One Nights" (Penguin Classics, translated by N.J. Dawood, 1954):
"Ma'aruf cast off his clothes and, climbing into bed, threw himself upon the princess as she lay on her back. He clasped her tight, and she pressed close to him, so that tongue met tongue in that hour when men forget their mothers. He slipped his hands under her armpits and strained her to his breast, squeezing all the honey and setting the dainties face to face. Then, threading the needle, he kindled the match, put it to the priming, and fired the shot. Thus the citadel was breached and the victory won."
2nd Place: Warrior vulva
Third place went to a classic. Second place goes to a slice of pulp from "The Televisionary Oracle," by Rob Brezsny, published in 2000. The offending graphs were sent by Katherine Pryszlak.
The book not only sent shivers through Ms. Pryszlak but elicited this response from an Amazon reader: "This book was perfect for me, but I'm insane." Perhaps you are too:
"Her soaking, rippling, thousand-fold grip oscillates from delicate to firm, from a glissando shimmer to a furious suck, in an impeccably orchestrated rhythm. Warrior vulva. Shaman yoni. Gorgeous cunt that's fully awakened, relentless, and trained in militant playfulness.
"Something like an orgasm begins to announce itself at the back of my head. Hers? Or mine? Or both together? My brain is a sky in which sexually excited particles of honey amber and iced rubies are gathering into storm clouds. My eyes are thick swarms of yellowjackets funneling into the heart of the pregnant thunder. Suddenly, my legs spring out straight and taut, and every bone in my body stretches as if straining to outgrow itself. For a long time -- ten minutes? -- I am coiled stiff on the verge of a rapturous electrocution. And then I feel the spurt of lightning slam out of that sweet spot in the back of my head, wrap itself like hot oil around my spine, and plummet headfirst into the spongy gel of my scrotum. Instantaneously it swims a million tight spirals then spasms back up my spine like an eel on fire, burying itself in the nest at the back of my brain."
1st Place: Genital to genital contact
We read excerpts from "Fanny Hill," from anonymous and unpublished pulp erotica. We read about syrupy hot mounds and burning male bones. But nothing we read caused us to feel the need for a shower the way this excerpt from the Starr Report did.
Maybe it's reading it again after years have passed that brings the obscenity of the text into clearer focus. Or maybe it's the clinical language describing sexual acts that enhances the creepiness of it all. But after reading all of the entries (more than once) this one rose to the top of the heaving heap as the unquestioned winner. Thanks to Ross Cunniff for his keen eye and editorial skills. He must have suffered through the report to find the juicy bits reproduced here and for that, he gets a free year's subscription to Salon.
"According to Ms. Lewinsky, she and the President had ten sexual encounters, eight while she worked at the White House and two thereafter. (35) The sexual encounters generally occurred in or near the private study off the Oval Office -- most often in the windowless hallway outside the study. (36) During many of their sexual encounters, the President stood leaning against the doorway of the bathroom across from the study, which, he told Ms. Lewinsky, eased his sore back. (37)
Ms. Lewinsky testified that her physical relationship with the President included oral sex but not sexual intercourse. (38) According to Ms. Lewinsky, she performed oral sex on the President; he never performed oral sex on her. (39) Initially, according to Ms. Lewinsky, the President would not let her perform oral sex to completion. In Ms. Lewinsky's understanding, his refusal was related to "trust and not knowing me well enough." (40) During their last two sexual encounters, both in 1997, he did ejaculate. (41)
According to Ms. Lewinsky, she performed oral sex on the President on nine occasions. On all nine of those occasions, the President fondled and kissed her bare breasts. He touched her genitals, both through her underwear and directly, bringing her to orgasm on two occasions. On one occasion, the President inserted a cigar into her vagina. On another occasion, she and the President had brief genital-to-genital contact." (42)
Salon.com article
