Winners and honorable mentions of the 2023 worst opening sentence awards

[lovecraft68]

Some cringeworthy stuff here, but damn funny at the same time. I always wonder with these things how many were done deliberately bad, and if there were any meant to be serious

https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2023

 

[onehitwanda]

Oh come on! Whoever assembled this list has issues because this is a fucking gem!

If there’s a snake in your boot, you dump it out by the creek, and if it’s got feathers, you dump it out in the creek, and if it’s talkin’ at you, you dump it out gently and apologize and keep an eye out for the mama dragon, and tarnation these city slickers don’t know the first thing about stayin’ alive out here.

 

[lovecraft68]

Oh come on! Whoever assembled this list has issues because this is a fucking gem!

The one that got me was Snow White and her discount dwarves

 

[onehitwanda]

I was crying with laughter

 

[StillStunned]

I'm pretty sure they're not meant to be serious. Then again, I've thought that about some published books too. (Like one about the Roman Empire that has a barbarian horde that "has marched a thousand miles (1609 km) from their homeland".

 

[Kumquatqueen]

This one is a perfectly functional sentence:
After the unfortunate events involving the wicked stepmothers of Cinderella, Snow White, and Hansel and Gretel, the city council set out to ban all men from remarrying until further notice.

I might have to seek out the one with the seven dwarves...

 

[SimonDoom]

I love this contest. I've followed it for years. I've even entered it a couple of times. It's harder than you think to write something that is obviously horrible but also clever.

They are definitely NOT meant to be serious. They're not from real books. The rule is you can only submit one sentence--although they stretch the boundaries of what a sentence is--as though it were the first sentence of a terrible story.

 

[NoTalentHack]

Man, I WISH I had an opening as good as the grand prize winner in one of my stories.

She was a beautiful woman; more specifically she was the kind of beautiful woman who had an hourlong skincare routine that made her look either ethereal or like a glazed donut, depending on how attracted to her you were.

 

[lovecraft68]

Man, I WISH I had an opening as good as the grand prize winner in one of my stories.

That screams Spillane challenge

 

[SouthernCrossfire]

I read the first half and had to stop. I was laughing too loud. Thanks for sharing that.

 

[SimonDoom]

This one, a winner in Romance from some years back, would be good for a Literotica story:

As the dark and mysterious stranger approached, Angela bit her lip anxiously, hoping with every nerve, cell, and fiber of her being that this would be the one man who would understand—who would take her away from all this—and who would not just squeeze her boob and make a loud honking noise, as all the others had.

 

[onehitwanda]

This one, a winner in Romance from some years back, would be good for a Literotica story:

I haven't laughed this much since Liz Truss was a lettuce.

 

[Trionyx]

Emily Miller needs to take this one and run with it.

“Her mind racing through the hasty protocol briefing she’d received shortly before launch fourteen months ago, Commander Winona Bengston, the first Earther to lead a delegation to the Nardoz system, regarded the alien commander who was now undressing her with his eyes, which wouldn’t have been that big a deal except that, his being Nardozian, the officer’s four eyes were ten feet long, and prehensile.“

 

[Euphony]

"None of the soldiers, their reddened faces wet from boutonnière squirts, their bodies covered in feathers hurled from buckets, wanted to admit the 102nd Clown Infantry Division had routed them at the Battle of Little Big Top."

Dead. I am dead.

 

[SimonDoom]

Here's one I submitted quite a few years ago to the contest. It did not receive any award or mention, alas.

"Porky quietly crept toward the movie set trailer (much larger than his own), hand grimly gripping the pistol, mind ecstatically envisioning that smug bunny munching his last carrot, and heart crazily cueing up a febrile fugue of rage and revenge -- a lifetime without pants or genitals will do that to a pig."

 

[MillieDynamite]

That's some over-the-top bad writing. Are they books that people are paying for, from here, or on another free reading site?

Some cringeworthy stuff here, but damn funny at the same time. I always wonder with these things how many were done deliberately bad, and if there were any meant to be serious

https://www.bulwer-lytton.com/2023

 

[SimonDoom]

That's some over-the-top bad writing. Are they books that people are paying for, from here, or on another free reading site?

No, it's a bad writing contest. See the link Lovecraft provided. People send in one sentence they've written as though it was the first sentence of a terrible novel.

 

[MillieDynamite]

AGh, I'll avoid entering that contest so as not fuckup my already-merger skills any further.

No, it's a bad writing contest. See the link Lovecraft provided. People send in one sentence they've written as though it was the first sentence of a terrible novel.

 

[SimonDoom]

AGh, I'll avoid entering that contest so as not fuckup my already-merger skills any further.

It's actually a very useful exercise to try deliberately to write as badly as you can, because it forces you to think carefully about exactly what bad writing is. I encourage you to try it.

 

[NoTalentHack]

It's actually a very useful exercise to try deliberately to write as badly as you can, because it forces you to think carefully about exactly what bad writing is. I encourage you to try it.

As a bonus, a lot of the same things that lead to bad writing can lead to good comedy. The vast majority of these are either straight up jokes or hit the "so bad it's good" notes hard.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Well, @SimonDoom, me thinks not at this time. My plate is rather full, and I don't want to waste time where it isn't being wasted here.

It's actually a very useful exercise to try deliberately to write as badly as you can, because it forces you to think carefully about exactly what bad writing is. I encourage you to try it.

 

[SimonDoom]

Well, @SimonDoom, me thinks not at this time. My plate is rather full, and I don't want to waste time where it isn't being wasted here.

May your full plate keep you satisfied and well nourished.

 

[MillieDynamite]

It's a living!

May your full plate keep you satisfied and well nourished.

 

[BelleCanzuto]

If there’s a snake in your boot, you dump it out by the creek, and if it’s got feathers, you dump it out in the creek, and if it’s talkin’ at you, you dump it out gently and apologize and keep an eye out for the mama dragon, and tarnation these city slickers don’t know the first thing about stayin’ alive out here.

I think I need to write the rest of this story...