Willing Victim series - Please help with feedback

[Vampiric_Mirage]

Hey everyone,

I recently wrote the 5th chapter of my Willing Victim series. The first 4 chapters I put into the non-consent/reluctant category. This last chapter though didn't fit into that category and I wasn't sure where it should go. When it was approved, it was put into Novels & Novellas, and the last 4 stories were transferred into this category. This category makes sense, since I do intend to make this a full length novel. Unfortunately, I haven't had nearly as many views as my other stories, I think because of the category. I also have had barely any feedback.

I would greatly appreciate it if anyone would read the chapter and give me their opinions. In this chapter I'm building character relations more and trying to further develop the plot. I'm hoping that I'm building suspense towards what will happen in later chapters, as well as possibly understanding/sympathy for what the characters are experiencing.

To fully understand what's going on it would be best to read the earlier chapters, (maybe even just chapter 1 & 4 to get an idea?) but I don't think it is fully necessary. I tried to give a brief intro to what happened before at the beginning of the story. If you do only did read chapter 5, does the story make sense? Can you figure out what's going on?

This story will not appeal to people looking for only sex, no plot. The main sexual act in this chapter is masturbation, but in my opinion it is the character's actions and thoughts that should be the central focus for this chapter. Which do you think is more important in the story, the masturbation or the character masturbating and why she's doing it? Is the story interesting? What do you think of the characters?

Any comments, positive or negative, would be welcome. Comment here, privately, or in the story comments section, where ever you want. If you want any feedback or comments on your stories just tell me and I will read them and comment to the best of my abilities as well.

Thanks ahead of time to whoever reads this and helps out! I've added a link to both the first chapter and the fifth chapter...

Read Willing Victim Ch. 1
Please, please, please read Willing Victim Ch. 5. ​

 

[windstormy]

I read your Willing Victim 1, and I must say that vampires are my all time favorite. You had my attention right away. However, this was excellent work. I'll absolutely have to read the rest of them.

 

[Vampiric_Mirage]

I read your Willing Victim 1, and I must say that vampires are my all time favorite. You had my attention right away. However, this was excellent work. I'll absolutely have to read the rest of them.

Thanks! Unfortunately, there aren't any vampires in this series, but I'm borderline obsessed with them, so sooner or later I'll write something about them that is good enough to submit.

I just read Bigrig Ch.1 and wow is it good. I was surprised by how quickly Bigrig became emotionally gripping, each piece of the plot was quickly yet thoroughly written. The Vampire Nathanial Ch. 1 is fascinating. I'm about to read ch. 2 to see how you make him experience humanity again. Your writing is exceptional. Lol, any chance you can show me how to write that well?

 

[windstormy]

Thanks! Unfortunately, there aren't any vampires in this series, but I'm borderline obsessed with them, so sooner or later I'll write something about them that is good enough to submit.

I just read Bigrig Ch.1 and wow is it good. I was surprised by how quickly Bigrig became emotionally gripping, each piece of the plot was quickly yet thoroughly written. The Vampire Nathanial Ch. 1 is fascinating. I'm about to read ch. 2 to see how you make him experience humanity again. Your writing is exceptional. Lol, any chance you can show me how to write that well?

That goes to show about interpretations in reading, because as soon as I read the part about him sinking his teeth into your throat, I automatically thought 'Vampyri'. And your ID had nothing to do with that either.... But what can I say, I love them. They intrigue me, make me desire to be wisked away by one with such longing that is fathomless. Ok, let me stop. LOL....

And, I believe your style is just fabulous. You write well, so keep doing it. I'll be honest and say, that if the writer doesn't catch my attention right off, I close it. So, obviously, I strive to be a writer that catches the attention and holds it for ransom. hehehe.... Not always successful, but I do try.

I'm estatic that you enjoyed Bigrig ch. 1, as well as The Vampire Nathaniel ch. 1. You'll find my answer to the humanity delima quite simple, really. I did play if up a little. It was fun, to do. I love doing that. LOL.....

 

[windstormy]

Your writing is exceptional.

Did I say thank you? Please allow me to say thank you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Oh, I did say thank you didn't I? Thank you.......

 

[Vampiric_Mirage]

That goes to show about interpretations in reading, because as soon as I read the part about him sinking his teeth into your throat, I automatically thought 'Vampyri'. And your ID had nothing to do with that either.... But what can I say, I love them. They intrigue me, make me desire to be wisked away by one with such longing that is fathomless. Ok, let me stop. LOL....

Rereading it, I can see how you thought that. Whether writing about humans or the supernatural I normally have my characters biting, nipping, nibbling, etc. because that is one of my major turnons, as well as an erogenous zone for many. Even though I have yet to submit a vampire story, I think all my stories have dealt with the darker desires people have...

Also, nothing to thank me for, just stating my opinion...

 

[windstormy]

Rereading it, I can see how you thought that. Whether writing about humans or the supernatural I normally have my characters biting, nipping, nibbling, etc. because that is one of my major turnons, as well as an erogenous zone for many. Even though I have yet to submit a vampire story, I think all my stories have dealt with the darker desires people have...

Also, nothing to thank me for, just stating my opinion...

I most certainly have to agree about the part afore said dealing with darker desires. My own, for one, is always of some gorgeous immortal that comes to me in the night to take me as his slave. I write poems and stories about it so often I sometimes fear my readers will become engored and no longer interested.

And in the natural, that is one of my....ahem...favorite things, (areas of attack). hehehe.......

 

[Vampiric_Mirage]

In the hopes of getting more feedback, BUMP!

Please, please, please, help and tell me your opinion *gives puppy dog eyes*

 

[kbate]

You use far too many adverbs, especially for the manner of telling.

The story is written (as are the other chapters) as if she is narrating her feelings and adventures to him. I find the use of all of the descriptive adverbs difficult to fit into this form of telling. He was there (for much of it) after all and should know if something happened slowly, enticingly, casually, or whatever(ly). It doesn't help the story and weakens some otherwise good writing.

------------
After your sudden slip into la la land I desperately was craving a hot bath. Quietly I tiptoed out of the room, making sure I didn't disturb you. After a minute or two of debating, I finally decided to use the vanilla bubble bath instead of the lavender and chamomile. Despite the latter's relaxing properties, the comfort that I always felt whenever I smelt vanilla strongly outweighed any other choices. Plus, although I always found it a sensual smell ever since I read those Laurell Hamilton novels vanilla has been a major turn on for me. As the water was still filling I slowly lowered one foot into the tub, gasping at its heat. Ever since childhood I had preferred nearly scaldingly hot baths – the type where your skin turned red and you became lightheaded from the heat.

all of the words in red could be deleted without any loss to this paragraph

 

[Vampiric_Mirage]

Thank you,

See, I knew someone with an outside perspective would be able to help me fix it. I could tell there was something wrong, but couldn't tell what. Lol, 5 chapters in and sadly enough I never really considered that I was telling him the story, even though he'd obviously be there...I think when I started it I was writing it for the reader, in some strange way, more than writing it from the character's perspective. Also, I've always had a bad habit of overdescribing some things. I actually edit out tons of descriptions normally before I submit something...

Now here's the big question, do you think it would be better to remove the descriptions or change the perspective it's written from, or both? A few times writing this I've stumbled over "you". Although I can write first person easily, adding the "you" seems to make it awkward for me at times. Your opinion?....

 

[kbate]

Now here's the big question, do you think it would be better to remove the descriptions or change the perspective it's written from, or both? A few times writing this I've stumbled over "you". Although I can write first person easily, adding the "you" seems to make it awkward for me at times. Your opinion?....

I would have to read the whole series much closer than I read this in order to adequately answer this question.

My initial thought as I first read it was that you had made a mistake and using "you" and "your" were simply mistakes. As I progressed and the usage became consistent, I assumed the story was meant to be her 'expose' to him, sort of an ordered telling of her adventure, thus the usage made sense. This is when I went back and read some of the other chapters, hoping to catch you slipping in or out of first person present. You remain fairly consistent with the narrative and thus I think you should keep it the same throughout any further chapters, perhaps with a prologue and epilogue explaining the manner of storytelling.

I would still delete nearly all of the adverbs, they rarely have any true value in any story and serve only to add words. There is no effective difference between:
"She stood and walked to the door" and "She slowly stood and walked quietly to the door." Unless there is a damn good reason to say "slowly" and "quietly" the verbs stood and walked are quite enough to serve the purpose.

Rewriting it to remove unnecessary description when he was present and conscious would help. Leaving the common knowledge out, but going to greater length when she speaks of her feelings and when 3rd parties are involved.

The story is good, but the odd manner of telling requires a little more effort in editing to cover the dual knowledge.

 

[Vampiric_Mirage]

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

I don't have time right now to do the amount of editing needed to fix the story, but at least now I have an idea about what needs to be fixed.

Once again, thanks for the advice, it's very appreciated!

Anyone else giving advice, comments and/or criticism would have my gratitude...