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SexyChele

Lovin' Life
Joined
Apr 24, 2001
Posts
6,099
I have found myself with some extra time on my hands over the next month or so, and am willing to try to help other writers out by giving feedback. I can only offer my opinion, for what it is worth, but I will do my best to help out with grammar, spelling, and readability. All I ask:

  • A link to the story you wish to have feedback on
  • What area you want feedback: technical, readability, or both
  • If you want me to respond here or via email

Also, I would be willing to take a look at stories before submission to Lit, to give feedback on those as well. Please contact me via PM if you are interested.

For those who want to know what my "style" of writing is like, here is a listing of my stories at Literotica.

Looking forward to offering any help that I can!
 
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She will be a good editor to somebody who wants to make their FIRST POST.
 
Extreme in hotness.

:D :D :D :D :D
The first sentence grabbed my attention straight away.

A few minor mishaps:
I remember that the fog was low and clinging to the trees and ground, making things into

indistinct shadows of themselves that night, but he seemed almost spot lit under the bathroom shelter lights. Even without the benefit of proximity or daylight, I knew that his green eyes were glowing. As I looked out at him, a word kept echoing in my head like a seductive growl. "Mine". I had the urge to pull free of my lover, who was not my lover, and run to him...strip out of the rest of my clothes and tear off his - to have him like some gloriously wild animal on the wet grass by moonlight. To rut and pound our bodies against the earth ground until the hunger burned down to a slow craving.
Be careful with the return key.

I was had only dashed a few steps away when he gave me my orders in a velvet soft voice.
Can this be right?

Moving lover, he dipped his wet tongue into my navel, kneeling before me like a knight of sorts.
This doesn't seem right, but I could be wrong.

Thanks for writing the story. Look forward for more.
I had to use my dictionary twice-distracting me away from the story- but that's my problem. :)
 
thanks for the comments

i'm still learning how to write everything i see in my head...or how the memory felt.

it was an experience looked back on years later. it still effects me like that night did in many ways.

thanks for the input. :):rose:
 
Glad to see CV gave you a reply already!

I read this piece a couple of times becausing I found it very intriguing. I read it through yesterday, but the characters stayed with me all day, as well as the situation. I read it again last night, and the characters are still with me. That tells me you have a way of defining characters that are strong and memorable. A quality not often found here.

There were a few mechanical errors, as CV pointed out. Double use of words simply indicates a writer urge to finish quickly, and can be solved by reading through multiple times, as well as reading the story aloud. (Something you might want to consider when no one is about!)

There were quite a few ellipses, and you might want to reconsider using them in the future. I know there has been debate on these boards as to their exact purpose, and I won't go over whether you've used them properly or not. The matter that would concern me as a writer is the overuse. If you use an ellipse, try to use them sparingly. Otherwise, it is something that sticks in the reader's mind.

I did get a little confused by the use of "he" for both Tommy and the onlooker. In one or two sentences you referred to both as "he". This confuses the reader. It's best to distinguish between the two when talking about them in the same sentence. For instance, saying, "He came over to where I was, and he who had watched said..." (not an actual line from the story) Just helps to make the whole sentence clearer.

The one thing you may receive negative feedback on is that none of the characters were allowed to orgasm. I think this adds to the tension of the piece, and is probably far more realistic, but readers here like to read about people actually orgasming. I happened to like the way you handled the ending, but that is a personal note.

Overall, a good story. Haunting is the word I would use. Your description of the coolness of the air, and the fog were amazing. Truly set the reader right in the middle of the park with the main character.

The main character could have used a little more depth to make her more "real", but I liked the way you handled the character of the onlooker. Totally mysterious, yet we knew enough about him to care about him.

I will look forward to more!
 
:rose: thank you. :)

this was actually a moment in my life- haunting is a good word for it. the feral boy actually thought i had planned it to grab his attendsion. :devil: actually he's left a lasting impression on me ever since. :heart: we became friends and have since lost touch for the most part. we never 'finished' what that night started...except in my own fantasies. :kiss:

maybe i'll write about those sometime. ;)
 
Very good

I loved the entire opening: her being taken from behind while her thoughts projected outward toward another. Mysterious, ironic and erotic all at once.

"My lover who was not my lover." I found the first use of this phrase delightfully paradoxical. By the third use (within a span of three consecutive paragraphs) it was becoming tedious.

I know he thought my involuntary cries of pleasure were for him... but they belonged to someone else.

Great line, despite the misuse of the ellipsis (a comma or period would have been more appropriate). I loved the contrasting thoughts.

[The use of the ellipsis can generate a lot of comment and passion here. Some would restrict the ellipsis just to omitted words in a quote. Other (myself included) think it's fine to indicate a sudden shift in thought or purposeful suspension in thought or expression. Others (though this is more controversial) to indicate an incompleted sentence. But your sentence fits none of those.]

The combination of the beer I'd drank earlier in the evening and the frigid air made the fullness of my bladder uncomfortable.

Another good line, simply for the sense of realism it interjects. I tire quickly of stories where every line seems influenced by the felt-need to be 'hot.'

My body became liquid in ways that put my earlier arousal to shame. It betrayed a darker, truer need, something that curled deep within my core that brooked no refusal.

Here and in a few of the paragraphs that follow you're perhaps trying a bit too hard here to be luxuriant in prose.

He had raised the level of my hunger, and now my impulse to free both of us from our clothing was checked only by my growing need to urinate. Reluctantly, I broke away, and when I explained, promising to return, he let me go. I was had only dashed a few steps away when he gave me my orders in a velvet soft voice. He told me to just pat myself dry, so that he might still smell the lover who was not my lover on my thighs and secret folds. I did as he requested, undeniably excited by the primal undercurrents. While I did so, he spoke to me through the grating on the window, telling me how much he enjoyed the live sex show and how hard it had made him.

He confessed how he had wanted to pull me away from my impostor lover, how he even would have beaten me if he hadn't let me go. He was silent for a long moment, then asked if his honesty scared me. I didn't hesitate to tell him that, in fact, it turned me on. When I was finished, he asked me to walk out ahead, into the dark, misty glade.

This would have had a lot more impact if you had laid out the dialogue directly, rather than letting the narration recount it indirectly. E.g., "I wanted to pull you away from him; he's an imposter," he said to me. The lingering desperation in his voice chilled me.

I liked the ending. I was already thinking how it would be at once fitting and ironic for Tommy to return and beat the other guy off (in the figurative sense). You came close to what I had in mind. Again, the sense of restraint and the shift in narrative--rather than a loud screaming best-orgasm-in-my-life--was appreciated.
 
Re: Still Got Time on Your Hands?

the__satyr said:
If your offer is still good could you check out my stories, especially "Bewitched" and "Attended to"

The link for both of them is:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=54730

Thanks very muchly

the__satyr
Click to expand...



Okay, I decided to read "Bewitched" first, as it was the longer of the two stories. (I will read "Attended to" this evening) I was going to respond right away, but then decided I really needed to think this through.

Initially, my response was that I was a bit confused - hence, why I wanted to wait. I read this yesterday afternoon, and I've let it "sit" on my brain now for 24 hours, and my conclusion is much different.

I like the dreamlike quality you have given to this piece. It seems to float from one image to the next, until the reader is not quite certain if what they are reading is real or fantasy - but it is enjoyable. I think women may understand this piece better (and I'm not certain if you are male or female), because this is the way a lot of females involve their fantasies. I think that is what holds its appeal for me.

There were a few minor errors - most missed letters or words, but nothing major in the technical area. The only thing I would suggest is when going from one character's POV to another, when they are in separate places, it's probably best it separate it somehow. Put one character's actions in italics or something. However, in this story, it simply added to the dreamlike quality.

Unless I've misread the story, the final line is the one where the read truly understands what is happening. It would have made a bigger impact if this line was separated from the rest of the paragragh, and made to stand on its own.

A very intriguing story. One that stays with the reader, and I like that.

I'll get back with you tomorrow on the second story.
 
Thanks fo reading "Bewitched," never mind once, but twice!

I would like to return the favour and look over your stories. Should I offer my feedback in this thread or should I send it to you directly?

BTW, FWIW, I am a hetero male, and I tend to write more for a female audience. Maybe that's deliberate, but that's just the way it works out.
 
Hi SexyChele,
I would love some feedback on my first story. The link is below, in my sig. Romance category, titled My Journey.

Specifically, I'd like to know what you think about the story's structure, and whether or not my writing style is appropriate for this genre.

Thanks so much...
 
To: the_satyr and buttercupdh - my sincere apologies for not getting back with either of you sooner. Life this weekend was very hectic! Anyway, without further ado, I will comment on the_satyr's story first.



"Attended To"

Have we watched the same movie? The description of the short movie clip you described in your opening sounds exactly like something I watched a couple of years ago! Wow - anyway...


Technically, there were a few things that were missed on final editing, but nothing major, and nothing that detracted from the story.

You've stated that you are a man, yet you write like you are so much inside of a woman's head, it is almost amazing. Not many can do that, and I have to give you credit for that!

I like the way you can weave a dream sequence. I found myself totally caught up in this story, er, dream! When I read this, I almost felt a vapor of mist surrounding me, making the impossible seem possible, knowing it was dream, yet hoping it was reality. Very well done! Because you stated that it was a dream, you were able to get away with a lot of the "fantasical" stuff that most erotic stories can't, and that is what makes this so enjoyable to read.

I thought the story was well-paced, and flowed smoothly. The transition between reality and dream was done almost seamlessly.

I would like to say there was one part I particularly favored, but I liked the story as a whole. I would encourage to keep writing, especially the type of story (fantasy, dream) that you seem to do so well in!
 
"My Journey"

As a first time writer - welcome! it's tough putting your first story up there, and then opening yourself up, so I just want to say you've already done the hardest part!

Let's see, I usually start with the dry, boring technical part first, so I'll begin there. I was curious as to why you chose second person point of view, present tense? Let me explain myself. Second person (using "you" instead of "he" "she") is often used when one person writes a story for some one else. However, this POV doesn't come across as well for the general readership. The readers know they are not "you", and it is sometimes more difficult for them to connect to your story. I know - because I did it - that writing in first person often feels more comfortable when you are first starting out. I think the easiest stories to write are in third person - but if you feel uncomfortable with that, try to go with first person. You will give your readers the impact of truly telling them a personal story. (Think of how you would talk to a friend - would you tell them, "I ran to you, into your arms", or would you say something like, "I ran to him, into his arms". See?) Also, you can run into problems with how the other person is thinking in first or second person. Unfortunately you have an example of this on the secon to last page. You state: "my hot, wet mouth and pulsing tongue feeling heavenly to you." My question was - without him telling her, how did she know it felt heavenly? Using third person, or adding dialogue, can work around that.

Present tense is also tricky. It does offer an immediacy, but can be tricky to hold onto, and there are readers who feel uncomfortable with that tense. No, they don't always know what it is, but this happens. It's best to try to stick with past tense.

The best example I can give to you, as a beginning writer, is to think of how you would tell a story to a friend, and then try to write it that way. Chances are, you will be using first person, past tense. But I would recommend you try to build to third person. You limit your options and storytelling ability when you use first person.

There were a couple of paragraphs that I could not understand the purpose of in the story. One of those is the one that begins, "I need the vacation, after the past few years." I read it a couple of times, and couldn't figure out what it was doing in there. I would recommend that, unless something gives the reader vital information, or moves the story along, drop it or reword it.

I would also have to mention dialogue. On two counts. One, whenever you have dialogue, start a paragraph. You can write some things afterward, but as soon as some one else speaks, it should constitute a new paragraph. I know this looks and feels awkward at first. But a good way to figure this out is to look at how professional authors handle dialogue. Just pick up novels and read them, concentrating on dialogue. Also, there are some resources here at Lit that can help you with this.

Number two is to use dialogue. In several instances in the story, you have the main character describing what she said, and then you include dialogue for the male character. A perfect example of this is on page 4.

From the story: "As we cross the street, I ask you what plans you have for after dinner. "I just want to show you around town a little. Is that okay?" you say.

This is how I would have written this part:

"What plans do you have for us after dinner," I ask as we cross the street.

"I just want to show you around town a little," you answered. "Is that okay?"

See what I mean? Dialogue truly draws your audience in. Not only do they want to know what the characters are thinking and feeling, they want to know what they are saying. But realistic dialogue is a must - people pick up on contrived dialogue, believe!

I would also watch out for the elipses. Many times you could have used a "-" or comman instead.

Okay, was that dry and boring enough for you? :)

Now, onto the story itself. Yes, I think your writing style is perfect for this genre. There is a soft, romantic feeling about the story. It evolves slowly, building tension, setting a romantic mood. I think, by using the grammatical tools above and a few others, you could have heightened the tension, but you did well for a first effort!

I think anyone who has ever felt close to some one they met over the internet can relate well to this story. If they've never met that person, this story is a good substitute! In that, I think you can connect to your audience.

There were only two things that I would have to say might need improvement. One, over and over in the story we (readership) is told how amazing it is that this man has found this woman attractive. Yes, when meeting some in person for the first time, there is that hesitation, and it often seeps in when you are actually with the person, but in a story it become repetitious and unnecessary. Mentioning it a couple is fine, then let it go, and build the story.

Two, the flow of the story. As a writer you can never afford to miss the details - cause some one out there is going to catch you on them. At the beginning of your story, you relate that the husband had a condition for his wife's rendevous - she had to be online with her husband. I kept waiting for that to happen, but it never did. Now, to have hubby watching via PC cam is a whole fantasy in itself, but to leave this out may cause a reader to go, "Huh? Didn't she make a promise to hubby?" If you didn't want to write a voyuer scene - which takes effort - you could have handled it by having her log on, but hubby wasn't around, so they just got to it. Problem solved, details not seemingly ignored.


Now that it looks as though I've trashed your whole story, let me say that I want to encourage you to continue writing. If this story wasn't autobiographical, then I'm amazed! It had the quality of actually being lived. You have a good storytelling ability. And you seem like a romantic at heart. My suggestion would be to watch out more for the technical stuff to make it a good read. You have the imagination already - and a good one as well!
 
Wow, Chele! Thank you so much for your feedback. You brought up some things that never occurred to me, and really needed to be said. Your explanation of the second person is right on. I'll remember that for next time.

Actually, this story is fiction, unfortunately. I wanted to make it come true, but it was not to be.

Thank you for your candor, and for taking the time not only to read my story, but to comment on it as well. I really appreciate it.

Thanks again,
buttercupdh

:rose:
 
yes, please!

SexyChele (and anyone else willing to read these) I'd love it if you would give me feedback on both readability and grammar.

The first is here; the next part is here

Replying in the thread will be fine -- maybe something you say can help someone else as well.

Thanks so much in advance!
 
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If you still have time ...

Hi ... I enjoyed your comments for others and wondered if you could read two submissions from me. I've posted several stories at literotica.com, but I'm wondering about continuing the current series that I recently started. I would like your opinion on:
- grammar, story structure, story speed and story continuence: kill it or keep going? and lastly ... did it make you warm? excited? bored?
thanks sooooooooo much!
Jack
Thanks again. Jackflash1959@yahoo.com

Jack
Joe in Oak Valley Joe in Oak Valley 2
 
Hey Sexy........

I wish I'd looked at the boards BEFORE submitting my last story....but that's ok. When it does come out, I'd love having you read it and give me some additional pointers. The new story is called "Revenge". So I hope you look for it.

If you're interested however, I have recently posted another story...its a sequel to one I wrote this same time last year.

Mrs. Steel - The return. So if you'd like, here's a link to my stories and poetry. Feel free though to read and critique whatever you'd like.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=39666

To sleep.......perchance to dream - William Shakespear
Click to expand...

I remain......
 
toffeegyrl

First, let me give you a big THANK YOU! It is so refreshing to read an interracial story that is not filled with old, faded stereotypes, and where the characters are smart, "normal" people. Thank you for that!

Okay, now onwards.

"Alice & Michael: Greeting"

I liked the sensuality of this story. Yes, there was sex, but it was more romantic, more sensual. Your words were able to make the reader actually feel the heavy, humid air of Savannah, the quiet dimness of the room. All very well done. Although we are not told that much about Alice or Michael, somehow the reader feels drawn to them. If you continue with these characters, it would be a good idea to develop their characters a little more and give them dimension.

The only items that I feel could use improvement would be the technical stuff. And that only to make it an easier read. The first thing I would have to mention is the use of elipses. I know it's tempting to use them a lot, but they really need to be limited or done away with. There are other ways to express what you need to say. Throwing elipses into a story does not give it that polished look.

The very first sentence grabbed me, until I got to the final words. They were awkward. Let's take a look:

"The lights on the street were coming on, night was sticking its purple fingers into the stickiness of the July heat, even this close near the river, and he was late."

Okay, this is a beautiful sentence, but it needs just a little touch up. First, you should use "close" or "near", but not both. And adding "and he was late." interrupts the flow. Another way of phrasing this might be:

The lights on the street were coming on, and night was sticking its purple fingers into the stickness of the July heat, even this close to the river.

He was late.

Alice's golden....


Where I've put "He was late." is not probably not grammatically correct, but it punctuates the fact that some one is expected and he hasn't shown up.

The second paragraph gets a little confusing to me. In it you state, "They were amazing, his tastes..." I had to go back over this line and read is a couple of times before I understood it. (Yes, I can be dense, but think of me as being your one reader that just won't "get it") I'd never seen tastes described as "they" before. I think you would have done well to use a simple approach, "His taste in things was amazing...." One other thing in this paragraph. First you describe Alice as wearing a beige satin gown, then it becomes silk, then later it becomes satin again. But the problem is, the way it is used in the sentence. This is the whole sentence:

"They were amazing, his tastes; running the gamut from the silk and the Chinese-red boned corset that barely covered her nipples, to the demure lawn gown that slipped just so off of her shoulders, the pearl necklace he'd bought in Italy -- and the matching bracelets that he'd cleverly attached to the bedposts...."

Okay, looking at this sentence, I think I would have done something like:

"His taste in things was amazing, from the creamy silk that skimmed her body, and the red boned corset that barely covered her nipples, to the demure lawn gown that slipped seductively off her shoulders and the Italian pearl necklace with matching bracelets - left cleverly attached to the bedposts."

It's a bit long, and I think I might have even broken it up into two sentences, but I think you get the idea. Also, I wasn't sure what a "lawn gown" was?

The only other item that confused me was in the paragraph that begins "Please..." The line that confuses me is:

Had he been able to look up and see her eyes squeezed shut, lips parted, her nipples straining against the fabric of the gown, her tongue quickly flashing out and rivaling the pink of her lips -- maybe the wet, sweet, gash of her *other* lips...the thought drove his tongue mindlessly into her."

Wow, okay, when you begin a sentence with "Had he been able to...." there should be a following "he would/could/should have...." When I got to the end of the sentence, I was going okay, had he been able to what? What?!? (Got a little frustrated - but not much!) Putting in "the thought drove his tongue mindless into her" does not answer the "Had he been able to" question. Also, try to avoid used **. It detracts from the story. Your readers will know what those other lips are, believe me!



"Michael & Alice: Wake-Up Call"

I thought this was the better written of the two stories. It flowed more easily, and it covered a topic most of us can relate to. (Trying to talk on the phone whilst a persistent lover is teasing us!) I thought the build-up was great. The dialogue was handled well. There was only one breach - there should have been a paragraph break in the second paragraph.

Really, the only thing that truly detracted from this story was the overuse of elipses. Doing one-sided phone dialogue is not easy, but it can be done with the use of periods, commas, and dashes.

Still not as much character development, although we do know now that there is an antagonist the young lovers. Again, if you are going to write more stories of these two, it might be interesting to learn a bit more about them.


Overall, both stories are well done sensual, provacative, and very readable. Keep at it, I like your spin on things and the way you are able to describe a mood and place.
 
Thank You!

Thanks so much!

SexyChele, thank you so very, very much for all the wonderful feedback and suggestions! It's difficult to stand back from one's work and be properly objective, and I really do appreciate your editing (and the compliment; that really meant a lot, coming from such a provocative writer as yourself)

Thanks again, and I'll get to work on the suggested corrections.

Oh, and pleeeease don't tell my college professors about that ellipsis thing; they'd string me up and make me do calculus!

thanks again,

tg
 
Thank you for the feedback and I look forward to returning the favour.

I'd have to say that the favourite of mine so far is "Bewitched." It's more complicated than the other pieces, and I think at times I lost control, but I think they're also way more erotic and textured than the others.

The movie in question was "Clash of the Titans." I saw it in the theatre when I was about 11 and I haven't been the same since I saw that scene.

Within your feedback on "Attended To" you gave me one of the highest compliments I have ever received for my writing. I have always felt that my strengths were in setting the stage, creating something evocative and palpable, whereas characters were my weakness. I am glad to hear that I was able to capture and convey the female mindset. Yes, I am a hetero male, and I think that undressing a woman's mind is just as erotic, if not more so than undressing her body. I guess that's why the olderst erotica cliche around is the tale of some young, innocent woman who is educated in the arts of love.

Anyway, thanks again. It's feedback like yours that helps keep me going. I will endeavour to read your stuff in the upcoming days. It's the least I could do.


the__satyr
 
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