Wife says she's a sub, but not really

[allforfun86]

Well thanks to everyone for the advice, positive and negative. It all helped me out, but in the end I finally got my wife to talk last night and we figured out a lot. In the end we both did have a different view of bdsm and the d/s roles. That's why it looks and felt like I was screwing up. She was expecting A and me B.

So after finally getting her to talk about what was going on I found out that she wants the rougher kinky sex and considered that bdsm while I didn't I just considered it rough sex. So we both got on the same page about bdsm and the roles of a d/s. Another big issue was that she said she was ready and willing to try new things that I wanted to try, but was nervous and didn't want to ruin it for me, but she wasn't actually ready. so she would just call the safe word but then She felt bad for using the safe word and "ruining" the session (her words not mine) and then would shut down and feel guilty. So we talked it all out and clarified every issue we had and tried another session last night that went amazing.

So thanks to everyone for the advice! Things worked out better then I imagined they would!

I do want to say that I feel I wasn't careful about my word choice in my previous posts and want to clarify that I never wanted her to be a mindless sexdoll, I wasn't trying to force her or push her into doing things she wasn't comfortable with, I just wanted to try and do new things that I figured she'd like. After our talk I learned that she is curious about some of the things I brought up, but I screwed up by going to fast for her in my excitement. It all scared her and made her nervous and back away. Which made her feel guilty and shut down more because she felt she was "screwing" up the session.

But I digress, thanks again everyone for the help and advice! Have a good day!

 

[Gotham_Central]

Pretty sure this has been said, but it can't be said enough. As in all aspects of any relationship, there are three key elements here:

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Seek to understand her; listen to hear, not to respond and and confirm that what you heard is what she said.
Then, and only then, armed with understanding, calmly and kindly seek to be understood by her.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Seek to understand her; listen to hear, not to respond and and confirm that what you heard is what she said.
Then, and only then, armed with understanding, calmly and kindly seek to be understood by her.

Nicely said!

 

[Gotham_Central]

Nicely said!

Thank you, we do try.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Well thanks to everyone for the advice, positive and negative. It all helped me out, but in the end I finally got my wife to talk last night and we figured out a lot. In the end we both did have a different view of bdsm and the d/s roles. That's why it looks and felt like I was screwing up. She was expecting A and me B.

This is excellent, and being able to have adult conversations like this will serve you both very well outside the bedroom too.

 

[Curious35]

This may have been suggested, but I would have her write out exactly what she likes, doesn't like, and what she'd be willing to try. Very specific. (including where you may/may not cum)

For the first few weeks, stay within the category of things that she likes, earning her trust and comfort. After that, if things go well, suggest something from the maybe list. And take it from there.

I am super new to all of this myself and found myself topping from the bottom a lot. Which was frustrating for both of us. I made my list, we discussed, and even though its not perfect every time, I'd say that this has been the biggest help to get us to where we both want to be--which is enjoying sex in a kinky way.

I hope this helps! And, good luck!