Wife problems

[fmyself69]

I'm sure you have all heard this before, but I would like any advice.. Been married 16 yrs, after our 1st child sex slowed down, after our 2nd slowed more, now 14 years later I'm lucky if I get it once a year. It's strange, for the past 15 years she has been a mother/housewife and didn't work. She has a new full time job, which I thought if she was not feeling good about herself this would help, but nope, still nothing. I used to talk about have sex all the time, and she said that doesn't work, to stop talking about it all the time, so i did.

Well that didn't help either, so I'm kind of perplexed.. I still love her but I need to have sex, my wrist is getting tired. I tried to take her out on our anniversary, like a date, but that came and went. I just don't know what to do. Back before marriage I would have broke up with her before, but I cannot do that to my kids, maybe after the kids are out of the house I will have to divorce her.. not sure, any suggestions
Thanks

 

[SweetErika]

I'm sorry you're in a bad situation.

You should know that you're not doing your kids any favors by staying in an unhappy marriage. Kids need to see affection, intimacy and happiness modeled to have the best shot at having good relationships themselves someday.

Have you talked to a good therapist together or by yourself? If not, I think that'd be a good first step. Invite her to go to work on your relationship. If she refuses, go on your own.

From there, you could see if your wife would support you in getting your sexual needs met elsewhere.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I can understand your frustration but you have let this lack of sex become the status quo for a very long time now. Is it possible she thinks that you're more resigned to it or less bothered by it than is actually the case? What are the circumstances when you do have sex? What do you think triggers that intimacy between you after such a long time? Are you still tactile and affectionate?

I agree with Erika that therapy really is your best shot at this stage as the issues that the two of you have will have been ingrained for a very long time. There's no need to start throwing ultimatums around or anything but perhaps it's time you did talk about this again and ensure that you make it clear to your wife how deeply this is affecting you and that you want things to improve for both of you as a couple. If she thinks your primary motivation is simply to get laid rather than to address the deeper issues involved, she's unlikely to be receptive. It may be that she's telling herself you're just after sex in order to avoid questioning herself and examining why she no longer wants to be intimate with you.

 

[Somehowyou]

I know how you feel brother

Boy do I understand this one. I get sex about 4-6 times per year. The good news is when I travel I rent hookers. I used to have affairs or try to pick up woman...no more. When I go to Canada, outcalls are legal and inexpensive. When I am traveling in the US I use review web sites such as TER (There is Big Doggie and others). In Montreal and Quebec I use MERB. I get GFE girls. They french kiss do BBBJ and everything I need. You can share a bottle of wine, have lingerie fantasies etc.

I love my Wife, I love my family and this is a way to satisfy my needs and keep it together and keep my money. I probably spend less than $2,000 year.

In the prude USA you have to watch out for LE. Use TER to read reviews of Indys, Find reputable agencies, get on date check, watch out for girls on Craigs List and unreviewed girls.

This is what I do.

 

[SweetErika]

Boy do I understand this one. I get sex about 4-6 times per year. The good news is when I travel I rent hookers. I used to have affairs or try to pick up woman...no more. When I go to Canada, outcalls are legal and inexpensive. When I am traveling in the US I use review web sites such as TER (There is Big Doggie and others). In Montreal and Quebec I use MERB. I get GFE girls. They french kiss do BBBJ and everything I need. You can share a bottle of wine, have lingerie fantasies etc.

I love my Wife, I love my family and this is a way to satisfy my needs and keep it together and keep my money. I probably spend less than $2,000 year.

In the prude USA you have to watch out for LE. Use TER to read reviews of Indys, Find reputable agencies, get on date check, watch out for girls on Craigs List and unreviewed girls.

This is what I do.

Do you use barriers for oral and avoid skin-to-skin contact with these hookers?

How often do you get a comprehensive STD/STI test (well, as comprehensively as men are tested)? What happens between tests and when one comes back positive - do you abstain from sexual contact with your wife and explain your hooker habit to her?

Or, do you just figure that condoms are sufficient and because your wife won't have sex as often as you'd like, it's okay for you to put her health at risk without her knowledge and consent?

 

[Somehowyou]

Do you use barriers for oral and avoid skin-to-skin contact with these hookers?

Of course not

How often do you get a comprehensive STD/STI test (well, as comprehensively as men are tested)? What happens between tests and when one comes back positive - do you abstain from sexual contact with your wife and explain your hooker habit to her?

No. Havent yet. I wear a condom and these chicks are hot!

Or, do you just figure that condoms are sufficient and because your wife won't have sex as often as you'd like, it's okay for you to put her health at risk without her knowledge and consent?

With her sex drive, I believe she is pretty safe.

Of course it won't make any difference to you but these are escorts...kind of like at all the swing clubs and the girls on literotica personnels only they look better and cost $200 to $300

 

[SexualDreamer]

Answer

I'm sure you have all heard this before, but I would like any advice.. Been married 16 yrs, after our 1st child sex slowed down, after our 2nd slowed more, now 14 years later I'm lucky if I get it once a year. It's strange, for the past 15 years she has been a mother/housewife and didn't work. She has a new full time job, which I thought if she was not feeling good about herself this would help, but nope, still nothing. I used to talk about have sex all the time, and she said that doesn't work, to stop talking about it all the time, so i did.

Well that didn't help either, so I'm kind of perplexed.. I still love her but I need to have sex, my wrist is getting tired. I tried to take her out on our anniversary, like a date, but that came and went. I just don't know what to do. Back before marriage I would have broke up with her before, but I cannot do that to my kids, maybe after the kids are out of the house I will have to divorce her.. not sure, any suggestions
Thanks

I have read all of the responses and I believe that perhaps some things are left out and you are asking for help in understanding a woman's way of thinking. I was some what the same way your wife was once.... But for me it was because I did not want to have another child in my life. I also was not crazy about sex (at that time) because my (now ex) husband did not go about things when it came to sex that would allow me to have an orgasm. He wanted what he wanted and did not care where I had one or not.

I do not know if those are the reasons your wife is doing what she is doing or not. I can only tell you what went on in my life. It helped a good bit when I 'got fixed' for me to begin to relax some in the sex department and begin to realize that I could actually enjoy the act itself without the possiblity of my getting with child.

I solved the prob with my ex not preparing me enough for sex by getting and using toys (which by the way pissed him off really bad.... Did I mention he is now my ex? LOL)

I suggest you talk with your wife.. be straight with her... tell her how you feel and also I suggest you perhaps pick up a few romantic ideas and perhaps try them after you have talked to her. Communication between a couple is both the most hardest and yet the most simplest thing you can do. I also suggest that when you talk to her that you listen to what it is that she is saying. Not with just your ears but try and understand what it is that she is telling you.

People also change over the years in a long term relationship. Her ideals of a romantic time may be different from what it use to be. So do a bit of research on what women consider romantic.

I hope this helps you and that you can work things out.

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

fmyself69, somehowyou,

I'm in exactly your same position. I get some about 2x as much as you guys do but it still is way too infrequent.

I've been married for 22 years. Recently (over the past 3-4 months) I decided I'm no longer begging for it, asking for it etc. I just GAVE THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I jack off when I need to get some relief and because I GAVE THE FUCK UP, my attittude has improved significantly. I feel better about things and I'm no longer consumed about when am I going to get some because I honestly don't expect to get any, so if I do it's a bonus.

I have never messed around on my wife (that's just not for me), but I'm not knocking you guys who do because I can totally understand why you're doing it.

The thing is that this is actually WORKING. She has evidently noticed that I GAVE THE FUCK UP (hahahahahahahahahahahaha) and now from time to time, she's asking ME for some. I give it to her when she has asked the 2nd or 3rd time, but I'm just like what the fuck EVER. I might just put her out to 6 or 7 times of asking before I'll do it. HA-the-fuck-ha!!!!!!!!!!

It really seems to be getting to her. I wish I knew this 20 years ago. DAMMIT TO HELL! By the time I'm 60 I might be getting some every day! Hahahahahaha!

 

[EjAcKuLaToR]

One good point brought up by Sexualdreamer. I do get my wife off when we do it. I've always been really centered on getting her off at least a time or two before I get off. I do agree that this is a critical step. Also, before I went being critical of my spouse for not giving me any, please let me assure you that I have been critical of myself over the past 20+ years for what I could do to make her want it more often.

I once went over 9 months without getting any and it almost drove me fucking crazy. You women don't realize what you do to your men by not giving them any. All I have to say is that if you're that kind of woman, I hope it comes back to you.

I know I sound pissed off about this issue, but at least I'm being honest. If any woman had been through what I have for the past 20 years, you'd have the same kind of attitude I do if you could do that well.

This is the best I've felt in at least 5 years because at least I'm in control of it. I'm on top of the world, but I'm not forgetting the past...not yet at least.

Also, if you're wondering why I didn't get a divorce, I LOVE my wife. I'm crazy about her. She's my best friend and we have great life together (all except sex). She is awesome, and we get along perfect, laugh all the time, work together well etc. Just have one hell of a mismatched sex life.

 

[Somehowyou]

One good point brought up by Sexualdreamer. I do get my wife off when we do it. I've always been really centered on getting her off at least a time or two before I get off. I do agree that this is a critical step. Also, before I went being critical of my spouse for not giving me any, please let me assure you that I have been critical of myself over the past 20+ years for what I could do to make her want it more often.

I once went over 9 months without getting any and it almost drove me fucking crazy. You women don't realize what you do to your men by not giving them any. All I have to say is that if you're that kind of woman, I hope it comes back to you.

I know I sound pissed off about this issue, but at least I'm being honest. If any woman had been through what I have for the past 20 years, you'd have the same kind of attitude I do if you could do that well.

This is the best I've felt in at least 5 years because at least I'm in control of it. I'm on top of the world, but I'm not forgetting the past...not yet at least.

Also, if you're wondering why I didn't get a divorce, I LOVE my wife. I'm crazy about her. She's my best friend and we have great life together (all except sex). She is awesome, and we get along perfect, laugh all the time, work together well etc. Just have one hell of a mismatched sex life.

I now what you mean...there is more reason to be married than just sex. I just wish sex was one of those things for me. I love my wife and she is still beutiful to me but my God you have to have sex once in awhile.

 

[SweetErika]

Of course not

Have fun with your genital herpes and warts.

No. Havent yet. I wear a condom and these chicks are hot!

Oh, right...I forgot that hot chicks aren't capable of giving or getting STDs!

With her sex drive, I believe she is pretty safe.

It only takes ONE encounter to get something. You're exposing her 4-6 times a year.

Of course it won't make any difference to you but these are escorts...kind of like at all the swing clubs and the girls on literotica personnels only they look better and cost $200 to $300

People who are promiscuous (whether they're hookers, johns like you, swingers, male or female sluts) are at higher risk for STDs, period.

If you actually loved your wife, you'd at least have the decency to protect her health by refusing to have sex with her or informing her of your behavior, so she can decide whether she wants to risk it with you. What kind of a slimeball knowingly exposes someone to life-altering and -threatening diseases over and over without their consent? Certainly not a loving spouse, respectful person or decent human being.

Believe it or not, I have no problem with nonmonogamy in general or even prostitution. I do have a problem with irresponsibility and reckless disregard for the welfare of others, however. Screw yourself up as bad as you want, go get as many STDs as possible and continue on your path of ignorance, but leave your wife out of it. Surely she doesn't deserve to be harmed or murdered by your cheating.

 

[Somehowyou]

Have fun with your genital herpes and warts.


Oh, right...I forgot that hot chicks aren't capable of giving or getting STDs!


It only takes ONE encounter to get something. You're exposing her 4-6 times a year.


People who are promiscuous (whether they're hookers, johns like you, swingers, male or female sluts) are at higher risk for STDs, period.

If you actually loved your wife, you'd at least have the decency to protect her health by refusing to have sex with her or informing her of your behavior, so she can decide whether she wants to risk it with you. What kind of a slimeball knowingly exposes someone to life-altering and -threatening diseases over and over without their consent? Certainly not a loving spouse, respectful person or decent human being.

Believe it or not, I have no problem with nonmonogamy in general or even prostitution. I do have a problem with irresponsibility and reckless disregard for the welfare of others, however. Screw yourself up as bad as you want, go get as many STDs as possible and continue on your path of ignorance, but leave your wife out of it. Surely she doesn't deserve to be harmed or murdered by your cheating.

You are a know-it-all. What about you and your life style. You and your 8000 posts. Mind your own business once in awhile. This is Literotica. Lots of people have all kinds of sex. This post is about the guy that is having a lousy relationship with his wife. I offered an alternative.

Oh, I know the nosy lady with the candy on her boob wants you to do the laundry and make dinner for the next 6 weeks in addition to your job. You can jack-off more frequently too.

 

[SweetErika]

You are a know-it-all. What about you and your life style. You and your 8000 posts. Mind your own business once in awhile. This is Literotica. Lots of people have all kinds of sex. This post is about the guy that is having a lousy relationship with his wife. I offered an alternative.

I'm actually the first to admit I don't know it all. Or even most. I do know a little about a lot because I make it a point to educate myself.

This is a public thread on a free speech site. If you're not prepared for people to respond to the information you post, don't post said information.

The only reason you would launch a completely irrelevant personal attack on me for pointing out the downside of your "solution" is because you know my points are valid. You are needlessly exposing the woman you claim to love to STDs, and somewhere, maybe deep down, you feel bad about it. You can't defend your despicable behavior, so you try to deflect with attacks. It's an old trick, and not a very good one, either.

Oh, I know the nosy lady with the candy on her boob wants you to do the laundry and make dinner for the next 6 weeks in addition to your job. You can jack-off more frequently too.

It's a cherry, and if you actually read my posts, you'd know I made no such suggestions.


See how easy it is to respond without resorting to childish namecalling and personal attacks?

 

[SexualDreamer]

One good point brought up by Sexualdreamer. I do get my wife off when we do it. I've always been really centered on getting her off at least a time or two before I get off. I do agree that this is a critical step. Also, before I went being critical of my spouse for not giving me any, please let me assure you that I have been critical of myself over the past 20+ years for what I could do to make her want it more often.

I once went over 9 months without getting any and it almost drove me fucking crazy. You women don't realize what you do to your men by not giving them any. All I have to say is that if you're that kind of woman, I hope it comes back to you.

I know I sound pissed off about this issue, but at least I'm being honest. If any woman had been through what I have for the past 20 years, you'd have the same kind of attitude I do if you could do that well.

This is the best I've felt in at least 5 years because at least I'm in control of it. I'm on top of the world, but I'm not forgetting the past...not yet at least.

Also, if you're wondering why I didn't get a divorce, I LOVE my wife. I'm crazy about her. She's my best friend and we have great life together (all except sex). She is awesome, and we get along perfect, laugh all the time, work together well etc. Just have one hell of a mismatched sex life.

I read this and had to make another comment here. I use to be a 'June Cleaver" type woman. *chuckles about that now* but things worked around that by the end of my marriage I WAS THE ONE that was wanting sex all the time and HE didnt want any! Hahaha.... I even asked him to take a day off from work (I had NEVER done that before) and stay in bed. He REFUSED!!!! Haha So I guess what I am saying here, perhaps beware of what you ask for? You just may get it! *chuckles*

 

[Eilan]

I don't have too much to add to what's already been said, except to say that I always wish to see the spouse's POV on threads like this. Based on what I read on Lit, the vast majority of sexually-starved spouses work 80-100 hours a week and do all the housework, yardwork, and child care while their SO's eat bonbons all day. Not that people try to present themselves in the best possible light or anything. . .

I'm too lazy to link it, but anyone who's interested can search on the HT Café for my thread about being the partner who wasn't interested in sex at one time. We're not all the frigid, uncaring bitches that some people would like to make us out to be. In my case, it took a divorce and a lower-stress marriage with a more attentive (and less painful) partner to bring me out of my shell.

 

[sutherngent985]

fmyself69, somehowyou,

I'm in exactly your same position. I get some about 2x as much as you guys do but it still is way too infrequent.

I've been married for 22 years. Recently (over the past 3-4 months) I decided I'm no longer begging for it, asking for it etc. I just GAVE THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I jack off when I need to get some relief and because I GAVE THE FUCK UP, my attittude has improved significantly. I feel better about things and I'm no longer consumed about when am I going to get some because I honestly don't expect to get any, so if I do it's a bonus.

I have never messed around on my wife (that's just not for me), but I'm not knocking you guys who do because I can totally understand why you're doing it.

The thing is that this is actually WORKING. She has evidently noticed that I GAVE THE FUCK UP (hahahahahahahahahahahaha) and now from time to time, she's asking ME for some. I give it to her when she has asked the 2nd or 3rd time, but I'm just like what the fuck EVER. I might just put her out to 6 or 7 times of asking before I'll do it. HA-the-fuck-ha!!!!!!!!!!

It really seems to be getting to her. I wish I knew this 20 years ago. DAMMIT TO HELL! By the time I'm 60 I might be getting some every day! Hahahahahaha!

I was in the same situation with my ex (see a pattern here?). In the beginning, the sex was decent...not great, but ok. After our son was born, she had post-partum depression...she just withdrew, spent all day on the computer, rarely did housework or cooked. Whenever I asked for sex, she was always busy, usually on the computer. Now if she wanted it, I was always ready and able. One time I turned her down, just to show her what it was like...she threw a total hissy fit. After months and months being turned down, I eventually gave up too...I just quit bringing it up. Did quite a number on my self esteem too.

I never pressed her for anything...if she said no, or more often later which never materialized, I let it go and took care of things myself. While our sexlife, or lack of one anyway, wasnt the main reason for our divorce, it played a part, in my mind anyway.

 

[Eilan]

After our son was born, she had post-partum depression...

Did she get any kind of treatment for it? I had PPD after my second child was born and I wouldn't wish that kind of hell on anyone, except maybe Tom Cruise.

Mine went untreated because, mentally, I wasn't in a position to address it and my ex refused to believe that there was anything wrong with me but general cuntitude, even though other people had, apparently, commented to him on my behavior and suggested that PPD might be the problem. It made it a hell of a lot easier for my ex to justify having an affair and moving out when the baby was two months old.

Although I wouldn't have believed it at the time, his leaving was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Emotionally, financially, and sexually.

 

[sutherngent985]

Did she get any kind of treatment for it? I had PPD after my second child was born and I wouldn't wish that kind of hell on anyone, except maybe Tom Cruise.

Mine went untreated because, mentally, I wasn't in a position to address it and my ex refused to believe that there was anything wrong with me but general cuntitude, even though other people had, apparently, commented to him on my behavior and suggested that PPD might be the problem. It made it a hell of a lot easier for my ex to justify having an affair and moving out when the baby was two months old.

Although I wouldn't have believed it at the time, his leaving was one of the best things that ever happened to me. Emotionally, financially, and sexually.

Yes she did...she went on ADs for years. I know that was part of the problem with her not wanting sex, but it continued after she went off the ADs. Im sorry your ex treated you like that.

 

[gregor2001us]

I had a similar situation. After our second child, my wife just wouldn't think of sex. Just wasn't on her radar screen. Of course, I was very frustrated.

We had a number of difficult and tense conversations about it. WE tried a number of things, the two that worked the best were putting sex on our schedule, with the agreement that no matter how tired, we would do it. the second was to alternate who initiated and that lead person made sure they met the other's persons desires for how to go about it.

After a while, the kids got older and we ended up in the routine of sex on weekedn and holiday mornings, while the kids were asleep. This has worked well, and we are now even a bit more spontaneous.

There could be a number of issues involed here. Communication is the key. I staemetns about how it makes you feel seem to be the most effective in my experience.

Best wishes

 

[fmyself69]

Wife

Thanks for all the responses. A little more info. My wife never worked outside the house steady, since about 6 months ago, and before that she woudl stay home sit on the couch eating chips and crap all day long, she would get up and take the kids to school, and do probably 80% of the running around, laundry once n a while. I would work 45-50 hrs a week come home and usually dinner was ready, except during the summer, I had to grill all the time, so after dinner I would do dishes, take care of everything, clean the house laundry if needed.
Now that she is working she does nothing but work and excepts me to do everything. I have a job where I dont get paid alot and its more of a benefit to have the job than not, so even after I work 45-50 hrs a week I have to do all the running of the kids, dogs, shopping, cleaning, dishes, etc. She is at the point where she comes home from work and does nothing, even on the weekend. Maybe I except too much from a marriage, you know sharing 1/2-1/2, but not here. oh another thing, now that she is working it is "her" money and bitches whenever I need money for bills and groceries, gas whatever.. anyways back to the bedroom, when we do have sex its the same thing, shower, bed, me starting feeling her up, going down on her until she cums once or twice, then im in her, in for about 10-15 minutes and she says it hurts and to hurry up. I could go for hours if she let me, she never gives me oral or even touches me, so even then i have to play with myself until im edging or ill never get off..


ok enough for now thanks

 

[DrHappy]

You may want to take a look at the Mismatched Libidos forum at iVillage.

 

[tenchikoi]

"anyways back to the bedroom, when we do have sex its the same thing, shower, bed, me starting feeling her up, going down on her until she cums once or twice, then im in her, in for about 10-15 minutes and she says it hurts and to hurry up. I could go for hours if she let me, she never gives me oral or even touches me, so even then i have to play with myself until im edging or ill never get off."


It's not supposed to hurt her. Perhaps the actual intercourse part isn't enjoyable for her? Maybe some quality lube would help? Maybe she's not turned on enough? Or doesn't feel attractive? You may just want sex on a regular basis, but for woman it's much more than a physical need. You really need to talk with her about it in a non-blaming way. It's no ones fault, no one is the enemy. You're supposed to work together to find a compromise that works for both of you. Are you meeting her emotional needs?

 

[SexualDreamer]

tenchikoi I think there may be a deeper problem as well as what you have mentioned. The woman sounds literally unhappy with herself and her life. If she was happy she would be putting in more of an effort in her home. I do believe that your correct in saying that hurting is not right.. I agree with that.. But I also think that perhaps there is a bit more..

I suggest that you both sit down and talk and talk and talk... if you can not do that, I suggest getting a counselor.... But I will say this I commend you fmyself69 For not giving up and at least trying to keep things going. I can see where it would be hard for you...

 

[kimbernee]

After 10 or 15 minutes, I've had enough too. Maybe there's some way you could get off faster so it isn't painful or unpleasant for her. Some women need a long session to come but some of us orgasm more quickly and then feel used and used up if the sex goes on too long.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks for all the responses. A little more info. My wife never worked outside the house steady, since about 6 months ago, and before that she woudl stay home sit on the couch eating chips and crap all day long, she would get up and take the kids to school, and do probably 80% of the running around, laundry once n a while. I would work 45-50 hrs a week come home and usually dinner was ready, except during the summer, I had to grill all the time, so after dinner I would do dishes, take care of everything, clean the house laundry if needed.
Now that she is working she does nothing but work and excepts me to do everything. I have a job where I dont get paid alot and its more of a benefit to have the job than not, so even after I work 45-50 hrs a week I have to do all the running of the kids, dogs, shopping, cleaning, dishes, etc. She is at the point where she comes home from work and does nothing, even on the weekend. Maybe I except too much from a marriage, you know sharing 1/2-1/2, but not here. oh another thing, now that she is working it is "her" money and bitches whenever I need money for bills and groceries, gas whatever.. anyways back to the bedroom, when we do have sex its the same thing, shower, bed, me starting feeling her up, going down on her until she cums once or twice, then im in her, in for about 10-15 minutes and she says it hurts and to hurry up. I could go for hours if she let me, she never gives me oral or even touches me, so even then i have to play with myself until im edging or ill never get off..


ok enough for now thanks

Sex is clearly not the problem here. It's just a symptom of much greater problems.

I wouldn't want to have sex with someone who was so angry with me, either.

Fix the anger and other issues, and you'll no doubt find your sex life improves. If the problems are too big to be solved, you're either looking at being incredibly unhappy forever or divorce.