Wife Fantasy - Advice wanted...

[FantasyQuest]

Hello all. I am a 35yr old male married to a 36yr old wife. We have been married for nine years and dated on and off for years before that. Over the course of the on again, off again parts of our relationship, I became fascinated about the idea of my wife (then girlfriend) with other men - what they thought of her, what they wanted to do with her, how she reacted to them, what the two of them did together, etc.

During one of the last times we were apart pre-marriage (technically still a 'couple' though mostly in title only...we hadn't officially broken up but I was living in a different city) she began 'dating' two other guys behind my back. One was more serious, polite 'dating', the other was a mostly sexual relationship (which was a first for her at the time). This wasn't textbook 'cheating,' as for all intents and purposes we were 'broken up,' just neither one of us had the guts to officially end it.

Finally we got back together, after which I found out the details of this time period, and then shortly after that we got married. I have never been more sexually excited in my life than when I found out she had been involved in a purely sexual relationship with another man for a number of months. Unfortunately, I manifested these feelings outwardly as anger, and, over the years, whenever my wife's past with other men has come up (not that that past is extensive) I've again seemed angry about it - this anger really being frustration at the fact that I can't easily express how I really feel. The problem with this is that while I fantasize daily about my wife with other men, I think she believes it is probably the last thing I would ever find exciting.

I don't know what to do about this one a couple of levels.

1.) I don't even know how to bring up the idea that I'm turned on by the fact that she has a purely sexual side which is capable of coming out with other men (so much of our own relationship is mired in day to day distractions)...it isn't that there is really a specific man or men I fantasize about her with, it's just the general idea of her enjoying sex for sex's sake with someone other than me.

2.) Even if I found a way to tell her about this, I'm not sure what to do with it. The realistic logistics of her randomly having sex with a stranger in this day and age seem like a long shot (of course in my fantasy I'd love to sit back and watch this happen), but I'm afraid if I suggest an alternative such as phone sex, chatting with another man, etc. it will sound idiotic. I'd appreciate advice if there is any out there, because my frustrations with my inability to communicate this fantasy has bothered me for years and I'd really like to find some way to put it to rest. Thanks.

 

[pplwatching]

Opening up your marriage to other men has a significant potential to damage your marriage. You both have to be emotionally capable of handling it. If you have felt anger and jealousy in the past, you are very likely to feel those emotions again. I'd strongly encourage you to be introspective about where these emotions came from. It doesn't seem very likely to me that being unable to express your arousal would manifest itself as anger. That emotion is most commonly associated with strong feelings of jealousy. There's another thread here on Lit written by a woman who, like you, has seen her feelings of jealousy transform into arousal. I can't say if that's a coping mechanism, but if it is then going down this path might re-open old wounds.

With respect to a "purely sexual" side. People coping with a failed relationship sometimes have purely sexual relationships because of low self esteem and other reasons. What matters here (IMHO) is that regardless of what happened back then, if she has no desire to entertain other men sexually now then this is a non-starter. Don't assume that it's something she enjoyed or wants to do again. Ask her.

If you are really intent on bringing up the idea then there is no substitute for having a frank and open conversation about what you want. If you can't bring up the subject and discuss it openly, then it would seem to me that you and your marriage are not ready for it.

 

[threesCO]

For what its worth...

I'll add my 2 cents.

I'm 32 and although I'm not married I have been with the same girl(26) for a year and a half now. Because I'm not married, I'm not qualified to give advice in that arena--the dynamics of a relationship at that stage are a bit different I presume. However, reading your post inspired me to write here for the first time and I suppose thats what this site is all about so here goes.

Before my current relationship, I dated many girls throughout my twenties...all different ages, all different experience levels. I consider myself more experienced than most but after reading on this site, discovered I'm less experienced than many others obviously haha.

During my years dating these other girls, I encountered the same on-again, off-again status with them that you mentioned. Of course I was frequently jealous, knowing it was much easier for my pretty ex's to find rebound sex, much quicker than I could. Some of these relationships I had, I knew the girls were maybe cheating on me also. So anyway when it was an 'off-again' time, I found myself just imagining my girlfriend at the time out there flirting it up and getting turned on by other men. I imagined her doing all sorts of dirty sex acts with her new lover and I imagined she was enjoying it more than she was with me. All this I imagined but I new it was also really happening!!!

That drove me nuts but at that same time I was really turned on only didn't want to admit it. I guess I thought about it so much it became a huge fantasy of mine to wonder what they were doing when we were apart. When I would get back together with them the sex was amazing and I would ravage them in bed from being so excited at the thoughts of their sexual nature and them acting out on it and behind my back at that. I realized it was a major aphrodesiac for me.

Fast forward. So the girl I'm with now is not as adventurous as some of the others. Its a little dissapointing at times(and I miss the uninhibited girls in my past) but I'm trying to be patient and I know that its not fair to my current lover unless I open up about what I really like. So maybe its not the best circumstances to share with my girlfriend when I've been drinking(and her too) but its been the easiest way for sure. I started with confiding to her that I wanted her to tell me about sexy things she's done with guys in the past and that I wouldn't get upset but rather horny. Eventually she would tell me some hot stories of her past but she still hasn't had as crazy sex as I've had back in the day so it wasn't terribly fulfilling but it was a good start.

At one point I even broke up with her and actually encouraged her to go sleep with someone. Obviously my feelings about this sort of thing have progressed from where they use to be. We weren't 'off' long and she didn't do anything with anyone but I really wished she had! Since then she has been upset that I wanted her to fuck some other guy because she thinks if I feel that way then I don't care about her or something but I tell her thats not it it just turns me on to think of her being slutty and knowing that guys want to do bad things to her. At this point she has told me that she may be in to it in the future but not right now. So again I'm being patient and I try not to bring it up too often but when we're both a little buzzed and the mood is right, I'll confess I wish she would go fuck someone and come home and tell me all about it! She has gone out of town to visit girlfriends and I tell her to dress all sexy and flirt with men at the club and she will at least play along and text me when guys touch her while they're dancing or tell me this guy she thinks is hot is following her around the bar.

Sorry to ramble on but since only one other replied--and he gave you good advice--just thought I'd tell you I've felt the exact same. Maybe your wife would jump at the chance to sleep with someone else I dunno, but if she does think that way you might as well find out. The way I see it she is with you at the end of the day. Start slow and ask her to tell you something sexy she did(not while you two were 'off' necessarily(although for me that would be really hot!)but deeper in her past so you don't have to feel too jealous at first. It might make for some really mind-blowing sex and you won't know til you try. I think tonight I will try to bring it up with my g/f again and see what happens. Let us know if you do the same.

"if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!"

Good luck

 

[youngrabbit]

I would love my gf of 8 years to fuck another guy or 2 while I watched. I have thought about approaching the subject with her but have never known how. I think after the initial shock she would actually like this and I think that our relationship could handle it as we are very honest with each other about our feelings (well mostly)

I would be so turned on watching her tight body being used by a guy and her loving the feel of a new cock inside her

 

[a75]

I had a similar experience with my ex-fiancee... She was a very traditional person ("I can have sex only if I 'm in love" etc), who one day revealed that she had cheated on me with a colleague of hers; at that time we were living in different cities.

In the beginning, it was a great shock for me. I used to think she 'd be the last human on earth who could cheat, and of course I felt anger, jealousy and frustration. Later, I developed an attitude similar as yours. Thinking of her in bed with another man, was something that constantly drove my stimulation to maximum. Two or three times in the following year, I obliged her to narrate in detail her sexual adventure with that man, while I was masturbating.

Gradually, this situation made me more dominant. One year after the incident, I was already feeling that since I forgave her, I had the right to own her body and do with it whatever I wanted. That led to a lot of spanking, a threesome with a (female) friend of hers, some same-room-sex meetings with a couple we met on vacations, and would soon also lead to a bukkake, if we hadn't broken up.

When these things were happening, I was really enjoying. But speaking in hindsight, it was just an escape from reality. In other words our relationship had already become very boring (even before her cheating on me) and I used the chance to make it again interesting. Possibly now I wouldn't do the same.

P/S: I don't know if my experience helps you. But in any case, before you introduce your wife to your fantasies, think carefully if there are other problems in your relationship.

 

[roomfor1more]

I have had this type of experience with my wife. We did it as one-off experiences with no problems afterward but it is full of risks. A lot of people equate this activity with opening up the relationship and the reality is there can be a difference. The difference lies in how the two of you structure it. If it is a one time thing or something you do once every few years as something that ends very quickly then it is not opening up your relationship. In contrast if it turns in to an ongoing thing with the same person or it becomes a part of your relationship then it is an open relationship. Regardless if you you open up your relationship or not communication is essential. Communication is not asking her how her day was or asking her would she like to fuck a guy then leave the topic. It means if she says "yes," then it is a step in a journey that requires further discussion on issues like boundaries. However before you even talk to her about the idea you need to work on your anger, resolve any outstanding issues, and the two of you work at feeling secure in the relationship.

Once the two of you reach that point of feeling secure and the two of you feel communication exists then the next question you have ask yourself, is having her having sex with someone else something you want? This type of activity opens up a lot insecurity but also a lot of arousal. You might feel as though you are riding in a very fast car traveling over 200 mph with a lot of thoughts and feelings going through you. At some point, you may feel as though your reactions are purely emotional based on the situation and not logical. Meaning, if you had the time to think it through you might have made a different decision and once the decision is made it is very difficult to reverse it. After she has sex with someone else it will be impossible to change that fact and the one thing that can be changed is how you perceive it. If you feel you cannot cope with it then it is not worth going through with it.

Until it happens there is no way of knowing how you will react or how she will react. However you can think about your feelings about the idea, the risks involved and how they could be minimized.

Your first question asks how can you bring it up? From my experience, it depends on your relationship with her and knowing the ways she is most receptive to an idea. This might mean introducing the idea as foreplay, writing a story about it, or asking her point blank. Each option has its strengths and weaknesses. For example a strength of introducing the idea during foreplay is it is a fantasy in which you have full control over. Drawback, her reaction is not indicative of her true feelings and if you ask her outside of the bedroom she may totally different feelings.

Second question you ask regards alternatives like phone sex. A lot comes down your knowledge of her and what she might consider. Other idea might be soft-swinging, someone watching the two of you have sex, petting, maybe incidental contact where she brushes up against someone in a sexually suggestive way, or flirting. There is a whole range of possibilities worth considering.

My advice would be to consider role playing the idea in the bedroom and gage your reaction. It will not be the same as though it happened but you may find you have some of the same emotional reactions, though less intense. By role playing the idea, you might find out if it is something suitable for the two of you and it might give you other idea. Plus it might work as an acceptable alternative to her having sex with someone else.

 

[EllieB58]

Consider introducing roleplay situations that mimic new men with her, without telling her you want her to be with someone else. You could play the neighbor or boss and see how she responds to the fantasy you are acting out. If she responds well after many roleplays then it could be a future discussion, at the right time. Don't push too fast.

It's unlikely she would have interest in phone sex with other men.

 

[whalee]

Consider introducing roleplay situations that mimic new men with her, without telling her you want her to be with someone else. You could play the neighbor or boss and see how she responds to the fantasy you are acting out. If she responds well after many roleplays then it could be a future discussion, at the right time. Don't push too fast.

It's unlikely she would have interest in phone sex with other men.

Good advice.