wife and lack of sex drive - HELP

[str8butkinky]

After sitting down yesterday with my wife and having her ball her eyes out, I’m confused as what to do. Basically we’ve been married for a couple of years and when we do have sex, it is pretty good. She has even said so.

The problem is this…She rarely if ever thinks about sex. She says she can go days without even thinking about it. She masturbates maybe a twice times a year if that. She is like a sexual camel. It really bothers her that she doesn’t want it more. Yes I said it bothers her! She wants to make me happy but the longer we stay together the less frequently we have sex. On average it’s maybe once a month now. When we do have it I’d like to really get into instead of just a quickie. A quickie is nice every now and then but if I’m only going to get it once a month I want It to last longer than 5 minutes.

I’m sure its somewhat normal that most couples don’t have sex as frequently as they did in the beginning of their relationship. It’s just becoming a huge problem for our marriage. We are talking about having kids now and I know that even decreases the frequency of sex.

Our discussion basically consisted of me telling her how disappointed and frustrated I am that she hasn’t put any effort into fixing our situation. Now before all you women jump on me about saying it’s all her fault. Let me say this. She and I have had many discussions in the past about things that she said I needed to do or provide for her to help her with her sex drive. Whether it was doing certain things for her around the house or even just making out with her more. I’ve done pretty much everything she has requested of me. IN these same discussions, she and I talked about things she should do to help her with her sex drive. At the time, she said they were all good ideas and that she would try doing this or that. Basically she put very if any effort into it. Then she goes back to her normal ways and we are back to square one.

I don’t want to go on and on about this but my basic point is that when we do have sex it is great and we are very open about things. But I don’t want to be one of those men who is 40 years old and has sex like twice a year. Because if we keep on this same path that’s where we are going to end up. We are both attracted towards each other. We both are in good shape and outside the bedroom we get along great. We have our rifts like most couples but we are still great friends besides being husband and wife. I want to make it work and put the effort into fixing our problem. I also know that women are very complicated. But it really hurts when she doesn’t put much effort into fixing us.

I’d appreciate any input from male or female. I’m sure I’m can’t be the only one going through this same problem in life

 

[Jackotheshadows]

Mm, try a counselor and see what happens. Sometimes having a third-party provide input is much more useful that having you do so, and frequently has more "weight". Just keep in mind, at best you both may end up with a compromise results in more sex than you're having now, but not as much as you'd hoped. Inertia is a tough thing, in relationships, whether it be sex or anything else.

 

[RawHumor]

There are a lot of emotional and medical reasons why some people don't have a normal sex drive. I'd have her talk to her doctor first.

 

[1hotbabe]

Maybe she needs to talk with her doctor and see if there's a reason for her lack of sex drive. But, it would probably do both of you good to talk to a sex therapist, counselor or such for help.

 

[Lost Cause]

You talk too much, tell her to put out or get out~ no, seriously:

If you mind fuck it to death it becomes a problem...sex is supposed to be relaxing, but if all both of you are thinking about is the tension and performance anxiety...you will fail every time.

Get some Tequila and go somewhere nice, get drunk together and fuck on the beach!

Voila, cured!



http://www.hiddencamerablog.com/wp-content/uploads/1/320.jpg

 

[KravMaga]

You talk too much, tell her to put out or get out~ no, seriously:

If you mind fuck it to death it becomes a problem...sex is supposed to be relaxing, but if all both of you are thinking about is the tension and performance anxiety...you will fail every time.

Get some Tequila and go somewhere nice, get drunk together and fuck on the beach!

Voila, cured!



http://www.hiddencamerablog.com/wp-content/uploads/1/320.jpg

somehow I think working with the counselor and doctor to find the root of the problem might be more beneficial.

 

[luxey313]

cheat on her!

 

[DrHappy]

Take a look at the Mismatched Libido Forums at iVilliage

 

[str8butkinky]

thanks so much

I'm thinking there it is something chemical wrong with her. I met her in 2000 and she told me that she basically never masturbated. Sex was decent then with her. But she never had an orgasm with anyone before me. The only way she could cum was with a shower head. It wasn't until about 5 months into dating her that I was able to get her to cum by going down on her. One night I woke her up in the middle of the night by going down on her and was able to get her to cum. She actually cried tears of joy. I joked around how I was never going to get rid of her that. ahah. I think her problem then was all just in her head. She was trying too hard to cum and she was just concentrating too hard on cumming. Instead of just enojoying the feeling and letting it happen naturally.

Then maybe 6 months after that she was able to cum during sex by her rubbing her clit while I was fucking her ass She was about 24 at the time. SHe is 30 now. She has no problem cumming now. or multiple times.

Here is another problem..well she thinks that it is a problem. SHe tells me that when we are having sex she basically has to think about anal sex in order to cum. Not necessarily her being fucked in the ass but she will picture other porn vids that we have watched.
She thinks that it is a problem with her that she always goes to that visual in order to cum. I told her that it isn't really a problem. I think we all go through phases of kink. I remember when I was younger I only used to like blondes only..or if I was watching porn it would have to be 2 girls and a guy.


Have any women out there tried any pill and supposedly increase your sex drive? Looking online and most of them seem like snake oil type stuff

any thoughts?

 

[KravMaga]

I'm thinking there it is something chemical wrong with her. I met her in 2000 and she told me that she basically never masturbated. Sex was decent then with her. But she never had an orgasm with anyone before me. The only way she could cum was with a shower head. It wasn't until about 5 months into dating her that I was able to get her to cum by going down on her. One night I woke her up in the middle of the night by going down on her and was able to get her to cum. She actually cried tears of joy. I joked around how I was never going to get rid of her that. ahah. I think her problem then was all just in her head. She was trying too hard to cum and she was just concentrating too hard on cumming. Instead of just enojoying the feeling and letting it happen naturally.

Then maybe 6 months after that she was able to cum during sex by her rubbing her clit while I was fucking her ass She was about 24 at the time. SHe is 30 now. She has no problem cumming now. or multiple times.

Here is another problem..well she thinks that it is a problem. SHe tells me that when we are having sex she basically has to think about anal sex in order to cum. Not necessarily her being fucked in the ass but she will picture other porn vids that we have watched.
She thinks that it is a problem with her that she always goes to that visual in order to cum. I told her that it isn't really a problem. I think we all go through phases of kink. I remember when I was younger I only used to like blondes only..or if I was watching porn it would have to be 2 girls and a guy.


Have any women out there tried any pill and supposedly increase your sex drive? Looking online and most of them seem like snake oil type stuff

any thoughts?

I am sorry, but you have fulfilled your quota of questions for the day. "Good day to you sir!.........I said GOOD DAY!"

dude, your wife needs therapy as to the first...the second problem is also related..not everything is a problem...she needs to chill the fuck out and be comfortable with her sexuality..the therapy should help.

 

[hogjack]

I don’t want to be one of those men who is 40 years old and has sex twice a year.

That's practically orgy-volume. Sign me up.

 

[HungryJoe]

I have gone through something very similar in my marriage. In the first two years or so after my first child was born, we had sex very infrequently. During the first six months of 2005, I think that we might have totaled three times. It was brutal for both of us, but regardless of how much we talked about it, my wife just couldn't get interested.

Every situation is different, so please take with a grain of salt what I have to say about how my wife and I got back to have a normal, healthy frequency in our sex life.

A great deal of what was a problem for us was my wife simply being physically depleted by motherhood. She wasn't getting enough sleep, adequate nutrition or hydration and almost no exercise. These things weren't easily identified, sadly, and she -- and I -- suffered for a couple of years.

Eventually, we identified the problems and made changes to fix them. I slept a little bit less, so she could sleep a little bit more. I put both of the kids to bed some nights, so she could go to the gym. I kept a full water bottle around her all the time and tried to keep in mind what she was eating. It ended up being quite a bit more responsibility for me in some regards, but in the grand scheme of things, it evened out, as she had taken on such a great deal of responsibility with raising our two children.

Another thing that helped was having her quit the extremely stressful job that she went back to six months after our second child was born.

None of this may apply to you at all, but my point is, don't focus exclusively on mental/psychological factors. Physical factors -- sleep, nutrition, hydration, exercise and stress -- could be big factors, too.

Best of luck to the both of you.

 

[BlackShanglan]

HungryJoe, I beg you to tell me that your name is a reference to Catch-22.

I also think that you give excellent advice. I recall reading a few years back that men who are under high stress tend to want more sex, and women under stress tend to want less. There's a rum little set-up, eh?

Str8, your wife's concerns about her visual fantasies are also interesting. What I think is interesting is not so much what she's imagining or what I would think of it, but the fact that it bothers her. Have you considered working out what it is that that image represents to her? It seems to me that there's a world of difference between a woman who imagines that image because it represents exciting liberation from sexual constraints and one who imagines it as a symbol of humiliating control.

Counseling looks like the best advice here, to me. A good counselor can help you work through the many possible causes and come down to the real issues and the right resolutions.

 

[crazybbwgirl]

I'd be hanging pictures of anal sex all over the walls.

Oh - and maybe the ceiling too...

 

[HungryJoe]

HungryJoe, I beg you to tell me that your name is a reference to Catch-22.

But of course.

 

[str8butkinky]

counseling?

My wife hasn't had the best luck with Dr's. Her last few OBGYN dr's were complete flakes. Either rude and mean or just gave off an attitude that they didn't care. What is the best way to find someone of quality to discuss this with?

 

[KravMaga]

My wife hasn't had the best luck with Dr's. Her last few OBGYN dr's were complete flakes. Either rude and mean or just gave off an attitude that they didn't care. What is the best way to find someone of quality to discuss this with?

The Pennysaver.

 

[str8butkinky]

thanks so much

- again
but after reading many more posts. seems like a very very common issue among married people.

 

[basic_desires]

- again
but after reading many more posts. seems like a very very common issue among married people.

I'm not out to bag anyone here but can't help the feeling you are all taking yourself and your 'sexual needs' way too serious by far. After all, sex is part of life but not the other way 'round. Why on earth are you so worried that there must be something wrong with a person only because they aren't at it like rabbits at least 3 times daily? Why is a sex drive that sees you spending more time fornicating than communicating so crucial to everyone that they can't have an harmonic relationship with anyone not randy 24/7...? Someone around here complained about hubby's size of only 4.5 in - is that all we marry another person for, the size of their cock or the tightness of their pussy? Most people have a degree of knwledge about each other before they commit so that person I would ask 'what was it that made you marry hubby if it wasn't mthe size of his dick, and where did it go? Is it still there and you are just taking yourself a tad to seriously?'
My wife and I have been married 21 years now, with 2 kids 9 and 12. We are the best companions we could wish for. We do almost everything together. We care a lot about each other, to the point that we know what the other one is thinking or going to say before they do. We are life mates and soul mates. Oh yes, and we have sex sometimes, maybe once a month or so.
Lighten up guys, there's heaps more to a relationship than sex alone!

 

[JamesSD]

Ok, it sounds like your wife has guilt issues with sex. She has gotten off with you, which is more than some women can do. She may have a low sex drive.

Why don't you guys just watch porn to get in the mood or while you're having sex? Clearly it excites her.

My other suggestion is that people who love each other want their partners to be happy and satisfy their needs. So assuming you do things for her (rub her back/feet, buy her flowers/cards if she's into that) she should be willing to at least give you a blowjob a week or so to make you happy. If you're properly grateful, your excitement and enthusiasm should be its own reward.

If it takes you a while to get off, you could always get yourself started with erotica or porn, then just have her finish the job.

Regardless, it sounds like she could use counseling on this subject, or you could both try couples counseling. While sex isn't everything in a relationship, it is an important component of intimacy, and a legitimate need.

 

[basic_desires]

Ok, it sounds like your wife has guilt issues with sex. She has gotten off with you, which is more than some women can do. She may have a low sex drive.

Why don't you guys just watch porn to get in the mood or while you're having sex? Clearly it excites her.

My other suggestion is that people who love each other want their partners to be happy and satisfy their needs. So assuming you do things for her (rub her back/feet, buy her flowers/cards if she's into that) she should be willing to at least give you a blowjob a week or so to make you happy. If you're properly grateful, your excitement and enthusiasm should be its own reward.

If it takes you a while to get off, you could always get yourself started with erotica or porn, then just have her finish the job.

Regardless, it sounds like she could use counseling on this subject, or you could both try couples counseling. While sex isn't everything in a relationship, it is an important component of intimacy, and a legitimate need.

James, why "should" she be willing or "could do" with counselling? Since when has sex become an obligation that if not fulfilled routinely is grounds for a relationship breakup? Sex drive can't be forced. And its not the only thing life revolves around. Or "should"....

 

[JamesSD]

James, why "should" she be willing or "could do" with counselling? Since when has sex become an obligation that if not fulfilled routinely is grounds for a relationship breakup? Sex drive can't be forced. And its not the only thing life revolves around. Or "should"....

If you love someone, you want them to be happy. This includes doing things for them that might not be your favorite thing in the world, but you do anyways.

An unwillingness of one partner to fufil another's sexual desires is a warning flag in a relationship. Many men do approach sex the wrong way. Quid pro quo can sound unromantic "I'll cook you dinner/take a dance class with you/etc if you suck my cock", but it's not totally unreasonable. Relationships are about compromise, and good relationships are about putting the other person's needs on an equal level as your own.

As far as why she "should" seek counseling, it's more for her own repressed pleasure. The US has a fucked up attitude about sex, and really does women a disservice in the messages it sends them. Sure, sex isn't everything, but it does matter to most men, and a lot of women. While child-raising and division of labor are small parts of marriage, when it comes down to it a romantic relationship is essentially good friends who have sex, usually exclusively. Without sex, it's largely a friendship.

My point is truly loving someone means being willing to satisfy their emotional and sexual needs, and one partner not wanting to do so for the other is potentially disruptive for a relationship.

 

[silver gurl]

James, why "should" she be willing or "could do" with counselling? Since when has sex become an obligation that if not fulfilled routinely is grounds for a relationship breakup? Sex drive can't be forced. And its not the only thing life revolves around. Or "should"....

Because basically, why be in a marriage if there is no sex involved? Anyone can live with a partner. Anyone can live with their best friend. I believe a marriage takes equal parts: friendship, partnership and intimacy. Sex is intimacy, sex is love. Why wouldn't you want that?

 

[JamesSD]

Because basically, why be in a marriage if there is no sex involved? Anyone can live with a partner. Anyone can live with their best friend. I believe a marriage takes equal parts: friendship, partnership and intimacy. Sex is intimacy, sex is love. Why wouldn't you want that?

See, this is a much more romantic and eloquent way of stating my feelings on the subject.

 

[pink]

Don't people talk about this stuff BEFORE you get married? Shit, i would make damn sure my partner and i were on the same page.