Why won't she talk to me?

[fanzee1]

Know this woman. She's about 10 years older than I am. We started hanging out and going places together 3 years ago. I thought we had become extremely good friends. We never dated but our relationship was therapeutic. I would talk about some of my (mostly bad) attempts at romantic relationships with her. She would do the same with me. We managed to do all of this without getting to an awkward place where we each had a lot of expectations for the other, at least i thought that was the case.

Then one day, about two months ago, EVERYTHING changed. I walked in and she treated me like i was the devil incarnate, and she's still doing it. And to this day, she has never done me the courtesy of telling me what she thinks i did to deserve this.

I've talked to many friends and family members to try to figure this out because it's just so frustrating and painful. I thought the pain was getting better but i had an incident this weekend that has put that godawful knot back in the pit of my stomach.

Anyone have any insights? Any at all? Please help.

 

[Guest]

u twit, she found out u go to a porn board she thinks u r a crazy pervert how dumb r u any way dude

 

[Private Vasquez]

yeah, that's it.

Maybe she "found out" something, and instead of acting like an adult and communicating about it, she went all high-school on you.

 

[Bindii]

Have you asked her outright why her attitude towards you has changed?

 

[fanzee1]

yeah, that's it.

Maybe she "found out" something, and instead of acting like an adult and communicating about it, she went all high-school on you.

well, if she did find out something, it's nothing to do with pornography. She's known for a good long while now that i watch pornography.

It's quite frustrating. One day i woke up and i was a leper. As much as anything else, i would just appreciate it if she would explain to me why she thinks so little of me now. We both acknowledged the therapeutic nature of our relationship and well knew that we were salving old wounds through our conversations, etc. I miss that therapy and i don't think i'll ever get that dynamic back with her. But as disturbing as that is, the abrupt change w/out giving me a chance to talk to her or making any attempt to work things out is the worst part of this.

I guess that's why i'm on this board at 3 a.m. typing about it.

 

[fanzee1]

Have you asked her outright why her attitude towards you has changed?

yes. if i attempt to talk to her, she walks away. We work in same office, if i go toward her, she will walk well out of her way to avoid me. If i try to strike up a conversation with her at the office about anything other than work, she refuses to talk. Today, i pressed her on this, she wound up yelling at me to go away.

If i try to call her home, she won't answer and won't return my calls.

Yesterday, i had to talk to her about something work-related. I told her it was good to see her, just to see how she would react. She was very pleasant. Very kind. So today, i got a chance to talk to her with no one in earshot and i asked her could we get together some time this coming week and talk. Any time at all. She says no, this week would be bad for her to talk about anything. I say, should i keep asking, she says "no, i'll let you know." But then adds, "put it this way, forget that you know me."

I tried again later today. I tried to ask her for 30 seconds of her time outside the building so i could say a couple of things that have been eating at me. She talked over me as soon as she figured out what i was trying to say and was just as evil as ever.

It was like talking to two different people.

 

[superlittlegirl]

I know it hurts,

But I think you gotta let this one go for a while. Regardless of her original reason for cutting off communications, you are now acting freaky and alienating her even more. You are disregarding her wishes to be left alone. I know you want an explanation, but you won't get one as long as you continue to pester her about it. Lay low for a while, show her you're sensitive, caring, and considerate, and she may come back to you to explain. If she doesn't, chalk it up to her quirks, and move on. You can't make her be your friend again by clobbering her with questions.

I have been on both sides of this particular fence, and I know that sometimes I just need to be left alone, and there's no way to explain the whys and wherefores. It's probably not a problem with you, but more of a personal issue she is working through. If you truly care for her, drop it for a while.

--Freya

 

[fanzee1]

Re: I know it hurts,

But I think you gotta let this one go for a while. Regardless of her original reason for cutting off communications, you are now acting freaky and alienating her even more. You are disregarding her wishes to be left alone. I know you want an explanation, but you won't get one as long as you continue to pester her about it. Lay low for a while, show her you're sensitive, caring, and considerate, and she may come back to you to explain. If she doesn't, chalk it up to her quirks, and move on. You can't make her be your friend again by clobbering her with questions.

I have been on both sides of this particular fence, and I know that sometimes I just need to be left alone, and there's no way to explain the whys and wherefores. It's probably not a problem with you, but more of a personal issue she is working through. If you truly care for her, drop it for a while.

--Freya

uhm, i have NOT been pestering her. I asked her several times what was going on the day this started. that was 2 months ago and yesterday is the first time i have brought it up since, and will also be the last. I only did it this time because she seemed so much more pleasant.

"If i truly care for her, drop it for a while"? Please, in two months? If i or our friendship ever meant more than rat droppings to her, i'd like to think she would have come to talk to me some time in the last 8 weeks. That's why i'm talking to others for explanations because she won't talk to me.

 

[fanzee1]

Re: Re: I know it hurts,

uhm, i have NOT been pestering her. I asked her several times what was going on the day this started. that was 2 months ago and yesterday is the first time i have brought it up since, and will also be the last. I only did it this time because she seemed so much more pleasant.

"If i truly care for her, drop it for a while"? Please, in two months? If i or our friendship ever meant more than rat droppings to her, i'd like to think she would have come to talk to me some time in the last 8 weeks. That's why i'm talking to others for explanations because she won't talk to me.

just so there is no confusion, the beginning of this post should read, "I asked her several times, on the day this started, what the problem was and what is it that i did, or that she thinks i did."

 

[superlittlegirl]

yes. if i attempt to talk to her, she walks away. We work in same office, if i go toward her, she will walk well out of her way to avoid me. If i try to strike up a conversation with her at the office about anything other than work, she refuses to talk. Today, i pressed her on this, she wound up yelling at me to go away.

If i try to call her home, she won't answer and won't return my calls.

Yesterday, i had to talk to her about something work-related. I told her it was good to see her, just to see how she would react. She was very pleasant. Very kind. So today, i got a chance to talk to her with no one in earshot and i asked her could we get together some time this coming week and talk. Any time at all. She says no, this week would be bad for her to talk about anything. I say, should i keep asking, she says "no, i'll let you know." But then adds, "put it this way, forget that you know me."

I tried again later today. I tried to ask her for 30 seconds of her time outside the building so i could say a couple of things that have been eating at me. She talked over me as soon as she figured out what i was trying to say and was just as evil as ever.

It was like talking to two different people.

Umm, I understand if you're touchy about this, but considering that you didn't give any indication that the last time you had pestered her was two months ago, I assumed this had been going on for a while. Your post (above) has eight different examples of how you pester her (or have pestered her in the past). How was I supposed to know you've been restrained and angelic until today? Don't be defensive with me for trying to give you insight into the female mind. What I said about not being able to force her friendship still stands.

 

[fanzee1]

another thing

according to her, it does have to do with me. On the day this started, all she would say to me was, "Our last conversation. you have your answer, please be on your way." (yes, that's how she talked to me then. I have never and would never speak to her this way.)

OK fine. But our last conversation was a phone call, during which i told her i was worried she and another woman might get off on the wrong foot at work. At first, she seemed mildly annoyed at me for saying this, then everything was ok. We talked for a bit after that. We said our goodbyes and hung up the phone like everything was normal. That's when the freezeout began. Only i didn't even realize it was in effect until about 10 days later because i just didn't come in contact with her.

 

[fanzee1]

Umm, I understand if you're touchy about this, but considering that you didn't give any indication that the last time you had pestered her was two months ago, I assumed this had been going on for a while. Your post (above) has eight different examples of how you pester her (or have pestered her in the past). How was I supposed to know you've been restrained and angelic until today? Don't be defensive with me for trying to give you insight into the female mind. What I said about not being able to force her friendship still stands.

i got defensive because you called me creepy. I could have gotten defensive for several other reasons though. Look, it sounds to me like you've already decided that whatever she's concluded in her mind is perfectly justified. If that's the case, and you're not going to offer anything other than what you've already said, i'll kindly thank you for your time and request kindly that you leave me alone. I posted this to get insight into a situation that has caused me great pain that seems to come from nowhere and everywhere at once. Given that i'm already dealing with that, i don't need someone telling me that it's all my fault. That's the one thing i am certain of here is that if i did do something to hurt this person it was completely by accident, whereas this person's actions toward me have been punitive.

I have tried, i really have tried, to hate her but i can't do it. So now, i'm just trying to figure it out so that i don't hurt so much. I know you can't force a friendship, oh brother do i know that.

 

[SleepingWarrior]

Write her a letter with your concerns if she won't let you talk to her about it. At least that way you can get everything off your chest and maybe move on if she doesn't reply. Hope that helps.

 

[fanzee1]

Write her a letter with your concerns if she won't let you talk to her about it. At least that way you can get everything off your chest and maybe move on if she doesn't reply. Hope that helps.

this i have thought of. my last gesture toward her the day after i realized what she was doing was to buy a postcard w/picasso's dove of peace on it and mail it to her apartment. I just wrote that i would honor her wish to be left alone (a promise i managed to keep for 2 months and broke only when her attitude seemed so noticeably different) and told her that "my door is open." I also wrote "still baffled" on the card. I mailed that and i'm glad i did.

a letter is a different story though. I think if i do write a letter, i will make it a short one and i won't mail it. It'll just be a way for me to get out my feelings. When i think of actually mailing the thing, i get a strong image of her chucking it w/out reading the thing. I don't see the point.


Thank you sleepingWarrior, for your words.

 

[SleepingWarrior]

a letter is a different story though. I think if i do write a letter, i will make it a short one and i won't mail it. It'll just be a way for me to get out my feelings. When i think of actually mailing the thing, i get a strong image of her chucking it w/out reading the thing. I don't see the point.


Thank you sleepingWarrior, for your words.

I would send the letter. Who knows maybe it will get that explaination your looking for. It doesn't really hurt to try that, but if you get your fulfillment just by writing the letter I guess not sending it would be a viable option. What is life but a bunch of chances taken and missed. It is usually better to take the chance than to let it pass you by.

 

[fanzee1]

I would send the letter. Who knows maybe it will get that explaination your looking for. It doesn't really hurt to try that, but if you get your fulfillment just by writing the letter I guess not sending it would be a viable option. What is life but a bunch of chances taken and missed. It is usually better to take the chance than to let it pass you by.

well, i'm going to write it. i'll see how i feel about it once i'm done. Thanks again.

 

[superlittlegirl]

you misquoted me.

I did not call you creepy, ever. I never said it was "all your fault".

I did say you were acting freaky.

There is a big difference between calling names and describing actions. I did not attack you personally. I simply characterized your behavior. That was based on your description of your actions. I would honestly be very freaked out if someone was so persistent after I had asked for some space.

I will leave you to your thread, and I hope you get some good insight, but please consider that whatever actions you take only add to her general impression of you. I do think writing a letter is a good idea, because you will at least have told her your thoughts, and that should help you come to some personal resolution. Good luck.

 

[Bindii]

I agree with the letter idea...I would take the time to write her a pleasant letter asking for an explanation for her change of attitude towards you. Explain to her that you hope that you haven't done anything to hurt her and if you did it was unitentional. Tell her that the loss of your friendship is upseting to you.

Hang on to the letter for a couple of days, reread it, if it still sounds the way you feel then send it.

You have a right to know why she has terminated your friendship. If she doesn't respond to your letter though, drop it as she obviously is not your time.

 

[fanzee1]

thank you bindii

i will definitely write the letter. From there, who knows. I started this thread because i thought things were getting easier after two months. It didn't bother me all the time, or even most of the time, anymore. And then today's events threw me for a loop. I found out that she was perfectly capable of smiling and being totally polite and even sweet when we were discussing work one day. Then the next, as soon as i brought this up, the evil eye showed up again. And along with it came a lot of my pain and frustration.

It feels like an emotional setback or something. So now i'm looking for a way to get past this permanently because we do work in the same office and occasionally together. Hopefully the letter will help me.

 

[MechaBlade]

Hey, women are nuts. That's life.

This happens to me occasionally, only I think I know why.

 

[Ishmael]

What was the LAST thing you and she discussed before her change of heart?

I had a good female friend treat me like that once, long ago. What it turned out to be was simply that she had expected more out of the relationship and I wasn't making a move. She decided to get on with her life.

That may not be the case here, but it is one that you should consider.

Ishmael

 

[RastaPope]

Weird. I...had a very similar situation some years ago. Except I was the one that went whacko. And she was 10 years older than I, just about...


Strange.

 

[AusTess]

Some women like to play games.

Not all,just some.

I think she may be one of them.

Shoot her,chop her up and bury her in the woods somewhere so you dont have that constant reminder.

And go find another.

Trial and error baby,trial and error.

You may wanna buy a new shovel and saw too.
It dont hurt to be prepared.

 

[weed]

If she treats you this way, are you sure you want to pursue a relationship with her?

 

[Hamletmaschine]

. . . Then one day, about two months ago, EVERYTHING changed. I walked in and she treated me like i was the devil incarnate, and she's still doing it. And to this day, she has never done me the courtesy of telling me what she thinks i did to deserve this. . . .

Sorry, man. This sounds like half the women I've ever known. Just reconcile yourself to the idea that it (whatever "it" was) was all your fault, and that you'll never get an explanation, and that it will happen again.

What really bites is when it happens after you've declared your affections for each other.

My advice is: don't write the letter. You're just setting yourself up for agony waiting for the reply that will never come.