Why Wont He Punish Me?

[Sexpress0]

What do you do when your Dom won't be mean to you anymore? He threatens to punish and spank but he's too nice now.
We've been together a while and it was so good and part of what attracted me to him was his sadistic streak and his firm hand. Now he says I'm too much of a good girl to be mean to. What the hell??

I haven't changed. Why has he?

 

[Inthelastrow]

Kick him in the balls. His mood might change.

 

[Sexpress0]

Ugh... thanks for your help...

 

[Sexpress0]

I just thought others might have experienced this.

 

[Goldenfinger]

I just thought others might have experienced this.

This is just a guess with the limited information you provided.

His feeling towards you have changed. He loves you. This makes him conflicted. Talk to him about it. This is Not out of bounds. You have a safe word incase things get out of hand. Well he showing you his safe word by his actions. He has dialed it back a notch for some reason. So something has changed. Communication is great in any relationship.

 

[JessGabriel]

It was pointed out to me recently that talking about your needs is just as important as talking about your limits. This is especially important in a power exchange. It sounds like you may have already talked to him, but maybe he doesn't understand how big of a need this really is for you. Or maybe it's become a limit for him. I'm sure it's frustrating for you both either way. I wish I had advice other than, "talk about it," but I think it's the best solution here.

 

[AussieGeek]

Perhaps this article might provide some additional insight? It's just a little thing I wrote a while back, and thought it may be relevant?

https://fox-in-tartan.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F655598877864591360

 

[twister947]

I have a feeling you want something specific but you don't want to ask for something specific.

There's this thing that girls (mostly but not entirely do) where we want something but the moment we have to ask for it, it someone how detracts from what we get. So you may be acting bratty in the hopes to bring out that sadistic streak instead of just asking to be surprised with pain bc it might not feel as organic. That organic spark of a moment is always something special.

Of course, now that he has big feels for you, he may find it harder to cause you pain. Personally, I steer clear of sadists who only get pleasure out of the pain of strangers. That feels unsafe for me personally. But if he can't hurt you bc he loves you, how would that make you feel? Would you feel like you needed to choose?

It's not just a female thing. You've articulated it very well.

 

[tristantrotsky]

What do you do when your Dom won't be mean to you anymore? He threatens to punish and spank but he's too nice now.
We've been together a while and it was so good and part of what attracted me to him was his sadistic streak and his firm hand. Now he says I'm too much of a good girl to be mean to. What the hell??
I haven't changed. Why has he?

Play some games with him.
Play some games of pretend naughtiness, and he will gleefully respond with play-spanking.

 

[MarksExperiences]

What do you do when your Dom won't be mean to you anymore? He threatens to punish and spank but he's too nice now.
We've been together a while and it was so good and part of what attracted me to him was his sadistic streak and his firm hand. Now he says I'm too much of a good girl to be mean to. What the hell??

I haven't changed. Why has he?

I hate it when that happens. Make him your bitch.

 

[lanceGibs]

What do you do when your Dom won't be mean to you anymore? He threatens to punish and spank but he's too nice now.
We've been together a while and it was so good and part of what attracted me to him was his sadistic streak and his firm hand. Now he says I'm too much of a good girl to be mean to. What the hell??

I haven't changed. Why has he?

Probably you don't deserve his affection
Or so he thinks

 

[MarksExperiences]

Probably you don't deserve his affection
Or so he thinks

I would punish that whore. Maybe he's a part timer

 

[AnnieLit]

You have to sit down and talk to him.

Don't call it a punishment outside of playtime, because it is not. It can be presented this way in the make-believe world of bdsm, but if he has real feelings towards you and he is a half decent man, he will never punish you this way for anything you do.

Remind him how much you enjoy the impact play, that it brings you joy, peace, serenity, or whatever else you actually feel at those times. If the only way for you to get to the subspace is through pain, remind him of that too.

Explain, that it has to come from him. That you can ask for it now, but asking for it every week will not work - you need to know that he wants it for him, not doing it just because you asked. (Ok, at least I need to be sure that He wants it on his own, not just doing me a favor. I need to be absolutely sure that he enjoys it at least as much as I do, otherwise I would rather do without.)

I know it can feel very out of place on your part, but try to make him talk, not only listen. You need some explanation of what is happening, otherwise there is no way to fix it. There is a chance that he actually can't hurt you because of his feelings. If this is the case, maybe inviting a third party in will help? In his presence, with his control, but by somebody else's hand.

 

[RoperTrace]

What do you do when your Dom won't be mean to you anymore? He threatens to punish and spank but he's too nice now.
We've been together a while and it was so good and part of what attracted me to him was his sadistic streak and his firm hand. Now he says I'm too much of a good girl to be mean to. What the hell??

I haven't changed. Why has he?

If communications aren't getting you anywhere, why not push the envelope a little? You must already know what annoys or irritates him, so start adding a few of these oopsies into your daily life. Say you're sorry in a non-convincing way, or not at all, and start compounding them. He'll maybe get the message and take decisive action. You can't possibly be that much of good-girl, can you?

 

[Sexpress0]

You have to sit down and talk to him.

Don't call it a punishment outside of playtime, because it is not. It can be presented this way in the make-believe world of bdsm, but if he has real feelings towards you and he is a half decent man, he will never punish you this way for anything you do.

Remind him how much you enjoy the impact play, that it brings you joy, peace, serenity, or whatever else you actually feel at those times. If the only way for you to get to the subspace is through pain, remind him of that too.

Explain, that it has to come from him. That you can ask for it now, but asking for it every week will not work - you need to know that he wants it for him, not doing it just because you asked. (Ok, at least I need to be sure that He wants it on his own, not just doing me a favor. I need to be absolutely sure that he enjoys it at least as much as I do, otherwise I would rather do without.)

I know it can feel very out of place on your part, but try to make him talk, not only listen. You need some explanation of what is happening, otherwise there is no way to fix it. There is a chance that he actually can't hurt you because of his feelings. If this is the case, maybe inviting a third party in will help? In his presence, with his control, but by somebody else's hand.

Thank you. This was most helpful.

 

[Sexpress0]

I have a feeling you want something specific but you don't want to ask for something specific.

There's this thing that girls (mostly but not entirely do) where we want something but the moment we have to ask for it, it someone how detracts from what we get. So you may be acting bratty in the hopes to bring out that sadistic streak instead of just asking to be surprised with pain bc it might not feel as organic. That organic spark of a moment is always something special.

Of course, now that he has big feels for you, he may find it harder to cause you pain. Personally, I steer clear of sadists who only get pleasure out of the pain of strangers. That feels unsafe for me personally. But if he can't hurt you bc he loves you, how would that make you feel? Would you feel like you needed to choose?

Yeah I think you're right. I want him to know what I want without being so obvious.

I really think he is just tired of being my Dom and my partner. He just wants to be a plain boyfriend and I didn't sign up for that.

 

[Klqka]

Also, there is a Diablo 4 pre-release weekend going on right now so people be busy.

 

[Sexpress0]

It was pointed out to me recently that talking about your needs is just as important as talking about your limits. This is especially important in a power exchange. It sounds like you may have already talked to him, but maybe he doesn't understand how big of a need this really is for you. Or maybe it's become a limit for him. I'm sure it's frustrating for you both either way. I wish I had advice other than, "talk about it," but I think it's the best solution here.

You're absolutely right thank you

 

[KinkStevens]

What do you do when your Dom won't be mean to you anymore? He threatens to punish and spank but he's too nice now.
We've been together a while and it was so good and part of what attracted me to him was his sadistic streak and his firm hand. Now he says I'm too much of a good girl to be mean to. What the hell??

I haven't changed. Why has he?

He loves you

 

[AnnieLit]

My wife sometimes has a hard time with this one. After the session she feels bad that she may have spanked me too hard. I have told her that it fuels my sexual desires and that it is actually something I enjoy !!

Or she might be feeling bad not that much because she thinks that she might have hurt you, but because she knows that she enjoyed doing it more than she is comfortable with. It's a fine line between delivering pain because the sub wants it and doing the same thing because the dom(me) likes to do it. Crossing this line can mess with one's head a big time.

 

[1KinkyIndianGuy]

Have you given it a thought of opening up your relationship? He looks like a nice guy and cares for you. Bringing in another Dom, might help you have best of both the worlds. Just my 2 cents.

 

[Sexpress0]

Have you given it a thought of opening up your relationship? He looks like a nice guy and cares for you. Bringing in another Dom, might help you have best of both the worlds. Just my 2 cents.

Wouldn't having two Doms be complicated?
I don't want to hurt him but I do crave that cruelty. I'm sure it's harder to give it now but it was so important at the start.

No going to lie though. Being a the mercy of two Doms makes me very wet!

 

[AnnieLit]

Wouldn't having two Doms be complicated?
I don't want to hurt him but I do crave that cruelty. I'm sure it's harder to give it now but it was so important at the start.

It is not exactly two doms as you wouldn't have much of an emotional connection with the second one. Talk to him, see how he reacts. It might be a flat out no. Or it might be a maybe, but with some conditions. You wouldn't know until you ask. From your end you want your main Dom to be in the room as you basically will be playing with a stranger, so for safety reasons you should never be left alone with him.

No going to lie though. Being a the mercy of two Doms makes me very wet!

It's a nice fantasy to have.
Hope it works for you in real life too!

 

[1KinkyIndianGuy]

Wouldn't having two Doms be complicated?
I don't want to hurt him but I do crave that cruelty. I'm sure it's harder to give it now but it was so important at the start.

No going to lie though. Being a the mercy of two Doms makes me very wet!

If you realize, he's not the Dom you craved for. So, technically it'll be only one Dom.

And if at all he gets charged up, watching you getting roughed up, might awaken the old Dom in him. So, you'll be having 2 Doms. In either case, it's a win-win situation for you, girl.

 

[Purple_Fronds]

I haven't changed. Why has he?

It seems like you’re getting good advice but this right here I think gets uttered about more relationships than anything else. You are a good girl and that is why you must certainly should be punished. How dare you!