Why is it that...

[Summery]

some people only seem to be interested in other's, when they are otherwise not emotionally or physically available? Would you be just as attracted to the same person, if they were to become available to you?

Btw~ This isn't about anyone in particular. I have just observed this subject from afar lately. I am extremely curious to hear other peoples points of view on the subject.

 

[Laurel]

Good question.

I don't know.

 

[scylis]

yes and no.

if i knew them, talked to them, knew their interests and dislikes, their personality, and whatnot, then yes.

if it was somebody you watch from afar and don't really talk to them (if at all), then it's up in the air. you might find they are a great person that you really go for, or they can just be the opposite of what you want.

 

[juicylips]

We always want what we can't have. It's human nature. Like kids on Christmas unwrapping all those presents and then sitting around in a heap of paper sadly disappointed that we got what we wanted.

Kinda sucks, doesn't it?

JL

 

[Summery]

I wonder if it's all about the challenge to see if we can obtain something we can't have? (A lot of people like a good challenge)
I'm more curious to see if other's can express some reasons why they would personally find another person who is unavailable attractive.
I have many different views on this subject.

 

[LadyFyre]

I know that I definitely do this - I find myself with huge crushes that totally disappear if that person returns the affection.
I think that it stems from an innate lack of self-esteem. We desire to be desired rather than desiring that particular person. When we find that being desired is, in fact, possible in this case, then we cease to need confirmation that we are desirable and worthy of that person. So, we lose that feeling of desire that we mistake for attraction.

That's my take on why it happens to me, it's a personal thing, and there's probably lots of different reasons that pertain to each individual situation, but that's how I think it is for me.

 

[Summery]

I know that I definitely do this - I find myself with huge crushes that totally disappear if that person returns the affection.
I think that it stems from an innate lack of self-esteem. We desire to be desired rather than desiring that particular person. When we find that being desired is, in fact, possible in this case, then we cease to need confirmation that we are desirable and worthy of that person. So, we lose that feeling of desire that we mistake for attraction.

That's my take on why it happens to me, it's a personal thing, and there's probably lots of different reasons that pertain to each individual situation, but that's how I think it is for me.

I think you brought up some very valid points. Especially the part about, We want to be desired rather than desiring that particular person.

Thank you for sharing.

 

[juicylips]

I wonder if it's all about the challenge to see if we can obtain something we can't have? (A lot of people like a good challenge)

The challenge is the fun part!! If you're really attracted to someone then let them know. I always like knowing if I'm ringing someones' bell.

JL

 

[Bob Peale]

Kind of plays into the whole wedding band syndrome...you know, if a person has on a wedding band in a bar, the attention is endless, but if that same person is/was single...nothing!

Maybe part of it is safety - you know you can't really get in trouble because the person is not really available.

*shrug*

 

[alltherage]

I think sometimes we chase the thing we can't have because knowing we cant have it makes the chase safe.

 

[JazzManJim]

Actually, I'm just the opposite. Once someone gets attached, though I'll flirt, there's just not nearly the level of interest in my own head for them. I've had some of my "attached flirting friends" say something about it.

I dunno, it's just not as much fun anymore. I still very much like the person, but the zip to do any real flirting just kind of goes out the window. I dunno, maybe it's my being petulant that they chose someone else over me, or something else entirely. I can be, at times a pouty bitch.

 

[Summery]

Several of you mentioned the safety issue. I think there's a lot of truth in that.

Thank you everyone for the input.

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

What, an interersting little thread.

I'm not up for much of a challenge, where love is concerened. I don't believe in chasing people who are emotionally or physically UNavailable to me.

But that is just me.

edited because I am a dork.

 

[BigDawg69]

What, an interersting little thread.

I'm not up for much of a challenge, where love is concerened. I don't believe in chasing people who are emotionally or physically available to me.

But that is just me.

You do not chase people who ARE emotionally available? So you do chase those that are UNavailable? Or is there a "not" missing there?

As for me, I am not sure how much availablitly plays a role in who I fall in love with. There are so many other wonderful things about the people I love, and the one I am in love with that I guess I hold on to hope that if it is love the availabilty will get to where it needs to be.

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

Shaddup!

I haven't had coffee yet

Going to edit my post now wise ass...

 

[BigDawg69]

Shaddup!

I haven't had coffee yet

Going to edit my post now wise ass...

Just checking! Thought that's what you meant.

Hmmm coffee . . . hmmm need more coffee . . . hey wait what am I saying I'm about to leave for lunch alredy!

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

Several of you mentioned the safety issue. I think there's a lot of truth in that.

Thank you everyone for the input.

I'd like to add that I've never understood this...the whole safety aspect.

Why play for someone who isn't really there for you?

 

[spankableBelle]

being on the end...

...that doesn't chase, but has been chased and gotten attached and is therefore no long chased because the chaser only wanted to play and flirt...(i hope that's not confusing...lol)...i don't really have an answer to the original question...so, i don't even know why i said anything...lol...oh well...

belle

 

[glamorilla]

i understand.

chasing and flirting is fun but i'm a pretty monogamous minded guy when you get down to it. if i start to like you or develop more than casual feeling for you i'm not going to want to sleep with anybody else and making you feel good is going to become one of my priorities.

it's miserable and hard maintaining that if both parties don't feel the same way.

As to the question i think people enjoying the idea of falling in love more than anything else and all the good and bad that comes from it.usually unnattainable crushes have personalities we fantasize for them more than who they really are and a good portion of us love the angst and melancholy of a good unrequited love.

 

[ksmybuttons]

Interesting.

Before I was in a marriage relationship, I was much more guarded emotionally and physically. It was from a feeling of being hit on rather than just developing friendships. With men I would want just a friendship but would feel pressured to take it further. With women, especially when they were in a relationship with a man, I would feel pressure to not step on their relationship with their man, so there was a distance that could not be crossed with them.

I found that the friendships that I developed were with people who had high self esteem and were comfortable with themselves, just as I am.

Even when I was in a relationship with a man, I would get hit on because it wasn't permanent.

Once married, the world opened up. I am not a threat to the women, and with men I can be friends. It feels much easier and I can go ahead and be more open emotionally, knowing that they understand that I am totally committed and unavailable physically.

Does that make sense?

 

[Guest]

Honestly, if I am interested in the unattainable, it's more about what's going on inside of me. I am needing something. It is safe, because there's no chance of complications. Ok, this is not making since as I type it.
I, sometimes, have a hard time defining boundaries. If the other person is unattainable, the boundaries have already been set.

Nevermind.

 

[*bratcat*]

 

[spankableBelle]

i understand.

chasing and flirting is fun but i'm a pretty monogamous minded guy when you get down to it. if i start to like you or develop more than casual feeling for you i'm not going to want to sleep with anybody else and making you feel good is going to become one of my priorities.

it's miserable and hard maintaining that if both parties don't feel the same way.

~smile~ glam...i'm glad someone understands what i was saying...

belle

 

[MorgaineLaFay]

Honestly, if I am interested in the unattainable, it's more about what's going on inside of me. I am needing something. It is safe, because there's no chance of complications. Ok, this is not making since as I type it.
I, sometimes, have a hard time defining boundaries. If the other person is unattainable, the boundaries have already been set.

Nevermind.

I get you darlin'.

 

[Summery]

I have done a lot of thinking on this subject. It has at times been very personal for me. I have found myself being attracted to several men that are physically unavailable to me. I thought maybe because it felt safe.

But, when you, yourself have emotions involved, you still run the risk of certain hurts. I also had to reevaluate my own insecurity issues as to why would I ever want someone who isn't completely available to me. The more I work through my own issues, I have realized I deserve so much more (the whole package) so to speak.

But, that doesn't mean the attraction for the unattainable isn't still there. It is for me. I know this probably doesn't make much sense. I guess I get something different from each of my relationships I feel I need. One day, I might meet the one where I can have it all.

Mind you, this is only my opinion based on my personal experience. Situations vary wide, and it is different for everyone.