Why is it so hard to find a real daddy dom

[LostBabygirl3489]

I really am not picky but I feel like giving up my search on finding a dom, specifically a daddy dom. I have noticed that most guys online claiming to be a dom are not real doms. They just want to have rough sex with a woman and call her slut and bitch and slap her around. They aren't interested in getting to know her and establishing a real, trusting relationship, which is the main component of a dom/sub relationship in my eyes. It's okay if people just want to play, but unfortunately a lot of guys lie and manipulate girls to have sex with them.

If they happen to be sweet, respectful gentlemen, they end up being attached or married. I really don't want to judge or put anyone down. But I really am not okay with helping someone cheat. I'm sorry, but I can't.

I feel really discouraged and as time goes on, I see less and less chances of finding someone real and unattached. It's just really frustrating to see so many women getting hurt and led on. That is why I am being so cautious. I am glad that I have listened to my intuition and have been hesitant to trust someone in that way. It really sucks being alone, but it's better to be on my own than have someone abusive or manipulating. And I don't want to be someone's dirty secret.

I'm sorry again if I upset you. I just feel really frustrated is all.

 

[MrHappy212]

real...unattached?

Who says that a dom can't have a wife, a slave, a pet, and a baby girl? If the sub gives herself completely and the dom understands her needs, wishes, and limitations then having multiple relations within a household is not impossible. Some prefer having multiple subs, perhaps the wife is a switch and helps take some of the responsibility, perhaps each sub has a different need.... I've been doing a lot of reading, mostly on personal blogs, and I haven't seen a single sub demanding she be the "one and only" in her master's life.

 

[MeekMe]

Who says that a dom can't have a wife, a slave, a pet, and a baby girl? If the sub gives herself completely and the dom understands her needs, wishes, and limitations then having multiple relations within a household is not impossible. Some prefer having multiple subs, perhaps the wife is a switch and helps take some of the responsibility, perhaps each sub has a different need....

This works if all involved are compatible and ok with multiple partners. OP has stated she isn't ok with that and also doesn't want to be involved with someone that is cheating. There's nothing wrong with that.

I've been doing a lot of reading, mostly on personal blogs, and I haven't seen a single sub demanding she be the "one and only" in her master's life.

I'm a sub, I demand I be the only one in my husband's life. He agrees and wants the same from me. We're happily monogamous. If OP wants monogamy that's completely fine.

OP, it takes time and I'm glad to hear that you're cautious and listen to your instincts. Finding someone compatible isn't easy, and it gets harder when you start looking for specifics like d-types and kinks. Some dating sites may help, I hear that OKCupid isn't terrible for finding kinky partners. If you're not already, you might try FetLife which often hosts groups that you can join to find locals or meet ups for kinky folks. I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[MrHappy212]

This works if all involved are compatible and ok with multiple partners. OP has stated she isn't ok with that and also doesn't want to be involved with someone that is cheating. There's nothing wrong with that.

Never said there was anything wrong with it... Everyone is different and has different needs and desires.


Finding a "true" dom isn't going to be as easy as hitting the online classifieds though. It's actually more like actual dating, you might get lucky with one shot or it might take a hundred to find one you are compatible with. Finding a true dom that already has a sub is relatively easy, you just look for the sub you are most compatible with...which is why I believe so many do have multiples. Women tend to cling together whether they are bisexual, straight, or gay...unlike males who are often loners even among a gaggle of male friends. Looking for a sub instead might even introduce you to an unattached dom.....

It sounds to me like what you are looking for is a dominant husband, if this is so then it would be easier to call it as such (in my opinion). This way you won't get any signals crossed and they know up front what it is you are looking for.

 

[MeekMe]

Never said there was anything wrong with it... Everyone is different and has different needs and desires.

Yeah, and OP's needs and desires are of the monogamous kind so it doesn't matter if a PYL likes multiple partners, it makes him incompatible with her.

Finding a "true" dom isn't going to be as easy as hitting the online classifieds though. It's actually more like actual dating, you might get lucky with one shot or it might take a hundred to find one you are compatible with.

Actual dating happens through online classifieds. I also gave OP a resource to find local acquaintances through meet ups and events.

Finding a true dom that already has a sub is relatively easy, you just look for the sub you are most compatible with...which is why I believe so many do have multiples. Women tend to cling together whether they are bisexual, straight, or gay...unlike males who are often loners even among a gaggle of male friends. Looking for a sub instead might even introduce you to an unattached dom.....

WTF?

That's all I got because this right here doesn't make any sense.

If you're suggesting OP make friends with other submissives, I think you could have worded it better.

It sounds to me like what you are looking for is a dominant husband, if this is so then it would be easier to call it as such (in my opinion). This way you won't get any signals crossed and they know up front what it is you are looking for.

^Is this directed at me?

Finally, I'm going to address the "true" dom stuff because I didn't bother earlier. There is no "true" or "real." Just people with labels that may or may not be compatible.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[thelaughingcat]

I got this: the groups of loitering youths that congregate ( not saying bad youths please note) on corners/ shops/ parks/ bike or skate parks.....all obvious loners.

Gang problems. ( all those loners huh? If only )

Sports team followers. ...the joy of getting behind a team together

Indeed, team sport playing!

Star Trek conventions......for those who fit in few other niches . Many want to fit in somewhere,

Heh, MrH, go troll somewhere else. I swear you make less sense with every post of your's I read

To LostBabyGirl...yeah, it sucks finding someone you are compatible with. I was lucky enough to stop looking, start enjoying life by myself as its own reward and mine wandered in, courtesy of the dating site Alt.com, where I had become part of the community during my searching days.

Try local munches, MeekMe gave you a great resource in Fetlife to find groups local to you for meets. Play around a bit (safely, sanely and consensually!), if that is something you are comfortable with and make some memories *grins*

Someone will drop into your life at some point when you are already happy and fulfilled and slot into a space you didn't even realise needed filling

Have fun!

 

[xxxSubSamxxx]

LostBabyGirl,

I can empathise with you. I have been on dating sites for a while now. As a female trying to find a male that is into a monogamous relationship is hard enough, never mind finding someone who is a Dom.

Most guys want cyber sex and are selfish. That's life. But don't give up, I didn't and I found my Dom. We have only been dating for a couple of months though so I don't know where it's heading exactly but I am enjoying the journey.

Looking has been fun, but I understand how frustrating it can be when you realise they aren't really looking for the same things as you.

Don't give up, keep looking. Try and have some fun winding up the liars and cheats. Don't get disheartened.

Sam xx

 

[Currahee_Gent]

I’m a sweet, respectful gentleman looking to slap a female around.

 

[PrincepsCyberius]

Why is it so hard to find a real daddy dom?

Becoming the Dominant in anyone's life, especially a "Daddy Dom," is a tremendous responsibility. An "easily found" Daddy Dom would probably fail in the role. You have to find someone who understands a submissive special and sublime needs, and have the ability and dedication to fulfill them while fulfilling his own needs in a way consistent with her desires.

Patience, honesty, and openness are required by all involved.

 

[HandsThatGuide]

Some of us are already taken, and well... for many reasons will not break off what they already have... even it that means in the real world they cannot experience or have what they secretly desire.

 

[Learin]

I really am not picky but I feel like giving up my search on finding a dom, specifically a daddy dom. I have noticed that most guys online claiming to be a dom are not real doms. They just want to have rough sex with a woman and call her slut and bitch and slap her around. They aren't interested in getting to know her and establishing a real, trusting relationship, which is the main component of a dom/sub relationship in my eyes. It's okay if people just want to play, but unfortunately a lot of guys lie and manipulate girls to have sex with them.

If they happen to be sweet, respectful gentlemen, they end up being attached or married. I really don't want to judge or put anyone down. But I really am not okay with helping someone cheat. I'm sorry, but I can't.

I feel really discouraged and as time goes on, I see less and less chances of finding someone real and unattached. It's just really frustrating to see so many women getting hurt and led on. That is why I am being so cautious. I am glad that I have listened to my intuition and have been hesitant to trust someone in that way. It really sucks being alone, but it's better to be on my own than have someone abusive or manipulating. And I don't want to be someone's dirty secret.

I'm sorry again if I upset you. I just feel really frustrated is all.

Being picky within a reasonable scale never hurt anyone. Better alone than being abused all over. Most people strut on the streets with these big misconceptions about BDSM relationships, so it's no less than a landmine out there.

It's really hard to find someone you truly connect with and make that relationship work, so I can feel your pain. It was pure dumb luck on my part that I got to meet my SO after years of personal struggle.

I don't know what to say as I really have no worthwhile suggestions to offer. I wish I could offer a hug for your frustrations.

 

[box13]

Some of us are already taken, and well... for many reasons will not break off what they already have... even it that means in the real world they cannot experience or have what they secretly desire.

Just repeating this for emphasis.

 

[submit4pleasure]

Some of us are already taken, and well... for many reasons will not break off what they already have... even it that means in the real world they cannot experience or have what they secretly desire.

Isn't that just part of being an adult? Choosing to honor your commitments and responsibilities, instead of just fulfilling your wants?

 

[Nezhul]

I suggest you to NOT find a dom. Especially online. Now hear my reasoning.
I'm not telling you to give up on your dream. But guys who claim they are Doms right of the bat are probably not a good ones. Because they don't want a relationship, they want submissive right from the start. And with a good DS relationship it doesn't work like that because you really need to know each other before doing any power exchange. Thus, you find only guys who want rough sex.
What I suggest you to do is to find a good man. A really good caring man that will not be attached, that will be your real boyfriend etcetera. Then ask him about how he looks at BDSM early on. If you stumble on a rare male to whom it is completely unacceptable - you may want to find another guy. But I guarantee you, 95% of men will get turned on by kinky stuff.
When you establish that hes OK with kink, start introducing it to your life, express what you like and what you want, but don't rush. Don't go for hardcore stuff right away, because it can be scary and freaky a bit if you way you want to be tied up and spanked to tears.
I guarantee you, slowly you can make a dominant you want. Without topping from the bottom, but by just expressing what you feel. And here's a pro tip: to NOT dom from the bottom, just don't tell him what to do before and during the play. But after you can discuss a few things that you really loved and something that maybe threw you off. Then it's feedback and not commands.

As for "daddy" dom - a lot of men have a daddy attitude from the start. If you act a little bit weak and naive, they will take care of you. That's why most men, I feel, can be a daddy dom quite easily.

 

[box13]

I'm leaning towards the OP expressing her needs and interests instead. "Daddy" is nurturing, but I don't think pretending to be weak or naive is a good balance for that. She may be into age-play, or she may not be (and that can change over time). She hasn't said.

Finding someone mature enough to understand the dynamic, and have some understanding of how the role expressed would seem to mean experience, and that may just have to wait for opportunity. And opportunity should come knocking, once in a while. But what a darned difficult place to be at; letting it be known what you want, and watching the parade of frogs (and assholes) stroll by.

*ribbit*

 

[CutieMouse]

Finding a true dom that already has a sub is relatively easy, you just look for the sub you are most compatible with...which is why I believe so many do have multiples.

More like "so many have multiples" because a significant percentage of men fantasize about having multiple women (ideally bisexual and submissive) as sexual partners, because unicorns. I would put forth that the number of men who want multiple female partners is greater than the number of women who want to share one man.

Women tend to cling together whether they are bisexual, straight, or gay...unlike males who are often loners even among a gaggle of male friends. Looking for a sub instead might even introduce you to an unattached dom.....

Ew. Ick. Pardon while I throw up in my mouth a little bit, because ew.

We "cling together"? What the everlovin' fuck? I deal with women for a profession. I have ONE female friend (of 18 years). Everyone else allowed into my life is a man. And, by the way, when I was poly - I had multiple male [dominant] lovers. "Looking for a sub instead [to find a dom]" is likely going to lead the woman to men who are looking for multiples. OP is not interested in being part of a domly dude's stable, so... horrible advice.

It sounds to me like what you are looking for is a dominant husband, if this is so then it would be easier to call it as such (in my opinion). This way you won't get any signals crossed and they know up front what it is you are looking for.

Even better - the OP is looking for someone who is compatible. Which, in a lot of cases, has just as many challenges outside of kink, as in. But it does increase the dating pool. I think it's much more difficult to find a single, monogamous-leaning partner when the only options to find such a person are Fet, BDSM clubs, or munches.

I suggest you to NOT find a dom. Especially online. Now hear my reasoning.

<snip>

What I suggest you to do is to find a good man. A really good caring man that will not be attached, that will be your real boyfriend etcetera. Then ask him about how he looks at BDSM early on. If you stumble on a rare male to whom it is completely unacceptable - you may want to find another guy. But I guarantee you, 95% of men will get turned on by kinky stuff.

Generalizing like that is likely to get her into trouble. It's like saying 95% of women are submissive, because vagina. Not true.

<snip>

I guarantee you, slowly you can make a dominant you want. Without topping from the bottom, but by just expressing what you feel. And here's a pro tip: to NOT dom from the bottom, just don't tell him what to do before and during the play. But after you can discuss a few things that you really loved and something that maybe threw you off. Then it's feedback and not commands.

Communication = good

Trying to change someone into what you want them to be... not so much.

As for "daddy" dom - a lot of men have a daddy attitude from the start. If you act a little bit weak and naive, they will take care of you. That's why most men, I feel, can be a daddy dom quite easily.

Weak and naive? Seriously? That has to be one of the more insulting things I've ever read on Lit. It's also more likely to attract someone White Knighting to the rescue, than someone who's relationship style leans towards the nurturing/mentoring type.

OP, I've been at this kinky dating stuff for a good minute. Like 10-12 years. And over that decade-ish, I've had some relationships that started off sounding perfect, ending with a lot of hard lessons learned. I've had some relationships that have helped me develop and grow as an individual. I've had some hiccups. I've learned to assess my wants and needs. I've figured out what I'm willing to compromise on, and what I'm not. My definition of "relationship" has changed over the years. My views of monogamy/non-monogamy have shifted around a bit. I've learned to be perfectly content, single. It's all made me a better partner.

Sometimes that process has been difficult; frustrating. And more than a little heartbreaking a time or two. But all those years of bouncing around the world 'o dating has helped me become the desirable person I am today. It's also taught me how to recognize the man [men] I really click with... which doesn't happen often.

My best advice would be to look for the sort of man you want to share your life with. Don't label him. Don't go hunting for him in the dominant [ON SALE! TODAY ONLY!] section of the dating store, or assume that just because a guy doesn't do XYZ, that he's not "real".

Envision your ideal relationship. Assess it - is it realistic? How does that perfection deal with hiccups and stress and life? What % is "kink" and what % is "vanilla"? When you say you want a daddy dom, what does that mean?

Figure that stuff out (which will probably be a fluid and ever-evolving process), and keep it in mind as you meet people. And then (as hard as it is to do)... let go. There's a reason there are so many stories about couples finding each other when they'd stopped looking.

 

[Nezhul]

Generalizing like that is likely to get her into trouble. It's like saying 95% of women are submissive, because vagina. Not true.

No, it's not true. But the fact is a fact. A lot of men like to be in control. In all things. A lot of women like their men to be "stronger than them" too. We are different genders and that is our gender role in NATURE. Society shifts it a bit.
And about trouble - I don't know. What kind of trouble will it get anyone in? That sounds like a line added to demean my comment even more, and just for that.

More like "so many have multiples" because a significant percentage of men fantasize about having multiple women (ideally bisexual and submissive) as sexual partners, because unicorns.

And you are not generalizing at all here. Really this two quotes seem that you are just disappointed by men a lot. That's why most women are not submissive (because you don't want to submit to men), most men are not into kinks (because you want to argue a point), but instead they are all dickheads who want to have a harem.
Riiiiight......

I have ONE female friend (of 18 years). Everyone else allowed into my life is a man.

that does say things about you. Not about women. Don't think all women are like you. Women DO tend to be much more social between themselves than men are.

Communication = good

Trying to change someone into what you want them to be... not so much.

When you are in a relationship you change. Both partners change. I don't know about you, but that's normal for me.
I'm not saying you should try to radically change someone's views. But as I said (and I still think I'm right) a lot of people are turned on by kinky stuff, at least by mild kinks for sure. But a lot of people don't really think about it actively on their own. That doesn't mean they will never be a dom or a sub. When you communicate your wishes to your partner he/she will change to fulfill your desires, if it's easy.

Weak and naive? Seriously? That has to be one of the more insulting things I've ever read on Lit.

Ah, so that's where your aggression is coming from. Well, suit yourself. You are clearly not the one to know acting from being. And I should point out, that "to act" doesn't mean to force it. A lot of women act a bit weak and naive naturally. That's how they are brought up. And I will insult you one more time and say - it is attractive.
Acting weak and naive doesn't mean you are sloppy, get into trouble or stupid. It doesn't mean you need someone to the rescue. It doesn't mean you ARE weak. But on the other hand, when a women attacks a man a lot, when she acts tough, when she always knows better and has a no-nonsense attitude - it is completely unattractive. For me, yes. But for the majority of men as well. Disagree if you will, I'm generalizing again. But that's the statistics. It generalizes things.

OP, I've been at this kinky dating stuff for a good minute. Like 10-12 years. And over that decade-ish, I've had some relationships that started off sounding perfect, ending with a lot of hard lessons learned. I've had some relationships that have helped me develop and grow as an individual. I've had some hiccups. I've learned to assess my wants and needs. I've figured out what I'm willing to compromise on, and what I'm not. My definition of "relationship" has changed over the years. My views of monogamy/non-monogamy have shifted around a bit. I've learned to be perfectly content, single. It's all made me a better partner.

Sometimes that process has been difficult; frustrating. And more than a little heartbreaking a time or two. But all those years of bouncing around the world 'o dating has helped me become the desirable person I am today. It's also taught me how to recognize the man [men] I really click with... which doesn't happen often.

For me it sounds like: I'm without a constant partner for 12 years already, went through a lot of trouble and disappointment and still am not married.
It may sound cool to you. But for me if someone is bouncing between partners (most of which are bad, as it seems) - that's not a happy story. And not an experience someone should want to follow.

And then (as hard as it is to do)... let go. There's a reason there are so many stories about couples finding each other when they'd stopped looking.

There's a lot of them, yes. But they drown in a sea of stories of dreams that were given up forever. The fact that there are a number of romantic fairy-tailish stories out there doesn't mean you should follow the example. They are exceptions, not rules.
That's why, my advice: don't let go. Never let go of your dreams. Especially when they are as easy as having some kink in your life.

 

[box13]

That's why, my advice: don't let go. Never let go of your dreams. Especially when they are as easy as having some kink in your life.

Just for the record, the grown woman who tells me "Daddy, I love you." doesn't act naive around me. In many ways she's smarter, more experienced, and stronger than I am, and most definitely in her own highly-skilled professional field. It's the connection she wants, not the facade of one. And the OP hasn't discussed what she's (?) looking for....does she want to be spanked and then held? Does she want to dress like a little girl and color? Does she want daddy to read a bedtime story, diaper her, and get her favy binky? We don't know.

And to suggest that she can simply "act naive" and coy, and almost any man who's properly unattached would fulfill her kinky desires is not just acting naive on your part, I'm afraid. Nor do I believe anyone with any inkling of nurturing "Daddy Dom" would write a response as you have here.

 

[Nezhul]

Nor do I believe anyone with any inkling of nurturing "Daddy Dom" would write a response as you have here.

Because I'm not a daddy dom.

 

[lilvixen2016]

Hello LostBabygirl3489

I just wanted to say I do understand... It's frustrating....
Don't give up but at the same time it can't be a job.
Things happen in their own time.

On what some call being picky I call, knowing what I want and don't want.
How can that ever be a bad thing?
Never let anyone make you feel you are being too picky for knowing what you want.
A strong Dominant man will respect that about you. If they don't that is your first clue they are not the one for you.

I think it is important for a submissive (of any kind) to be clear on what she/he wants and what will work for them. Take your time, get to know someone before you submit to him. If some guy expect you to just submit or call him Master/Daddy with out getting to know you that is the biggest hint he has no clue what the mental aspect of D/s is about.

have fun, be safe and things will come in time.

lil vixen's 2 cents...

 

[Kinky_babygirl]

Yes, it is hard to find...but that's not something unique to kink. It's hard for many to find good vanilla partners too. However, I think because of the nature of kink- it's not as out in the open- that makes it more difficult.

I mean, I could tell people I know hey know any great guys? I'm less likely to ask if they know any good Doms I could be a good little girl for. Lol

But I'm looking too. But keep your head up. Don't let this moment, your life right now pass you by while waiting for something else to come!!

 

[jonnysimple]

Two problems; selfishness and ego. Most men you find on these sites ( not me of course ) want one thing... and... to be honest, you can find very dangerous men as well, so it's not an ideal place to find safe companionship, with a kinky twist. I looked long and hard (no pun intended... really) to find a woman, which finally happened, but it took more than a year of careful scrutiny and discussion. Another thing; if you have a specific kink or fetish, then you can tune your search by using another site that better caters to your particular needs.

 

[LostBabygirl3489]

Who says that a dom can't have a wife, a slave, a pet, and a baby girl? If the sub gives herself completely and the dom understands her needs, wishes, and limitations then having multiple relations within a household is not impossible. Some prefer having multiple subs, perhaps the wife is a switch and helps take some of the responsibility, perhaps each sub has a different need.... I've been doing a lot of reading, mostly on personal blogs, and I haven't seen a single sub demanding she be the "one and only" in her master's life.

That's fine if people are into that, and I'm not judging them. I just couldn't be with someone who is partnered and keeping it a secret. I read this one girl's post where she had a long distance relationship with a guy and he was married. Long story short he tells her it's over after months of bonding and affection and she was heart broken. I do not want to set myself up like that. Furthermore, my conscience would never forgive me.

 

[LostBabygirl3489]

LostBabyGirl,

I can empathise with you. I have been on dating sites for a while now. As a female trying to find a male that is into a monogamous relationship is hard enough, never mind finding someone who is a Dom.

Most guys want cyber sex and are selfish. That's life. But don't give up, I didn't and I found my Dom. We have only been dating for a couple of months though so I don't know where it's heading exactly but I am enjoying the journey.

Looking has been fun, but I understand how frustrating it can be when you realise they aren't really looking for the same things as you.

Don't give up, keep looking. Try and have some fun winding up the liars and cheats. Don't get disheartened.

Sam xx

I'm happy to read that. That's awesome. Perhaps I will find someone in the future...