Why is it so difficult?

[Alex NRN]

I like this forum because it is mostly friendly - but it's clearly not the place to hook up.

I've given up trying. It never works out.

Like a lot of men who hang here, I'm bi-curious and looking for an experience.

One guy seemed very genuine but turned out to be full of shit. He promised to drive to mine, he promised to drive to mine, he promised to drive to mine. Yeah, right. Total bullshit time waster. All talk and nothing else.

Some dude had me down as too old at 40 - OK, that's his prerogative.

Another guy wouldn't even add me as a Yahoo! Messenger contact despite saying he wanted to chat.

Other guys can only be bothered to write one line - yeah, a real genuine attempt to make a friend that is.

Some other guy struck me as an experienced predator and it didn't feel right so I didn't get involved. He was understanding when I said he wasn't my type - which he wasn't.

Have spoken to Americans and Canadians on here and they don't seem to have any trouble hooking up. British guys however, are all talk.

Yes, I realize the folk I made contact with can read this. I don't give a shit. I'm past caring.

 

[Pas_de_Fierte]

Have you tried other avenues to try and hook up and get to know people? Craigslist seems to be popular for such things:

http://london.craigslist.org/

 

[Harrowborg]

have never tried to hook up with someone from lit and never will its a place i personally like to 'go' and talk to people as opposed to looking for something more. depends what your looking for. if i was looking to actually meet someone it probably wouldn't be from a website.

 

[Alex NRN]

Have you tried other avenues to try and hook up and get to know people? Craigslist seems to be popular for such things:

http://london.craigslist.org/

I looked at this craigslist very briefly. It struck me as being for the seedy, gloryhole meet in lunch hour crowd.

I hate sounding so negative but just being honest.

 

[human_male]

If it makes you feel any better I found it just as hard. Meeting women or men. I turned my PMs off because I was tired of people PMing me, getting my hopes up then suddenly, and unexpectedly stop writing, leaving me feeling I'd said something wrong, or something was wrong with me. All I wanted was a friend to chat too though. I've long since given up actually meeting someone in person and having it go somewhere.

 

[tanyachrs]

Ha ha ha. Men suck. Perhaps this is payback for all the times you've treated a woman like shit.

Sorry. It had to be said.

 

[ShinigamiSama]

Ha ha ha. Men suck. Perhaps this is payback for all the times you've treated a woman like shit.

Sorry. It had to be said.

maybe if so many women didn't have this attitude they wouldn't get treated like shit?

it is a two way road..

 

[Pas_de_Fierte]

Ha ha ha. Men suck. Perhaps this is payback for all the times you've treated a woman like shit.

Sorry. It had to be said.

Funny; I thought we had to be beyond high-school age in order to be a member here.

 

[tanyachrs]

OK, let me try to express it more nicely. Have you ever not gone through with a hookup or dumped anyone or stopped responding or changed your mind? If so, the reasons that made you do that are likely the exact same ones that you're running into on the other end. He's not that into you or he's nervous or he was telling lies he can't live up to in person or he's just not that great a guy or he was playing with you all along or he only wanted a cyber thing or you're not attractive enough for him or his wife just caught him using the computer.

It's hard to have an anonymous hookup because even anonymously people tend to be picky. We want someone we're attracted to and our expectations are often unrealistic in terms of our own attractiveness. We also want someone who stimulates us intellectually in whatever manner we consider most stimulating. That may be someone who types long, involved sentences or it may be someone who shuts up and fucks. In other words, a match must be made even for purely physical experimenting.

On top of that, people are actually pickier online than in person. Anonymity makes it easy to reject because you have a sense of there being an endless line of alternatives from which to chose. And you have no sense of there being a real person out there. So one little annoyance or slip leads to total rejection whereas in person it would maybe cause you to shrug and continue on.

Furthermore, this is a fantasy you're talking about. Everyone wants their fantasy to live up to their fantasy. Know what I mean? Of course you can go down to the local gay bar, find someone who considers you acceptable enough, and take him home that night. But you, and therefore the guy on the other end too, are looking for something more memorable and "special" than that.

All of that adds up to a lot of missed connections. And people aren't nice about sending thoughtful rejection letters, in part because they're often met with the kind of hostility that my joke here caused. Rejection makes people hostile.

So you're left guessing instead of fucking. Sorry. If it makes you feel better, it's not that much easier for a woman looking for casual sex online. That same exact stuff happens. Guys write "n e pics" instead of something thoughtful. They stop communicating once they get a picture. They communicate fine until you try to set up a meeting. Sometimes they agree to a meeting and don't show up. If you keep at it, I imagine you'll finally meet someone, but don't expect your fantasy. It'll likely be lusterless sex with someone to whom you're only marginally attracted and although it might be fulfilling on some level it won't be enough to put the fantasy to rest.

Is that a better answer? It's the same answer, just longer.

 

[Etoile]

Ha ha ha. Men suck. Perhaps this is payback for all the times you've treated a woman like shit.

Sorry. It had to be said.

No, it didn't.

Furthermore, your second answer had absolutely nothing to do with the first answer. The first answer was total bullshit, the second answer was actually well thought out and potentially useful.

I don't know what bug you had up your ass when you made the first answer, but definitely stick to the second kind in the future. You actually come across as intelligent instead of coming across as a misandrist.

 

[tanyachrs]

It might have been possible to view my first reply as a joke and a sarcastic comment on the nature of dating in general and dating men in particular. But I understand why you're angry. You're frustrated and don't like to think that you may have caused other people the hurt you're now being caused. We all tend to forgive in ourselves what we can't forgive in others.

Men who feel slighted and used by their online interactions with other men could consider their future actions in that light. Or they can refuse to see my point and consider themselves innocent while all others are guilty. In my experience, little has been done to me that I haven't done to others. Hostile answers to relatively innocent posts included.

 

[Etoile]

But I understand why you're angry. You're frustrated and don't like to think that you may have caused other people the hurt you're now being caused.

I'm confused now - who are you addressing?

Regardless of who it's directed to, your attempt at "sympathy" is pretty bad. Do you always kick people when they're down?

 

[tanyachrs]

I've clearly made you upset for which I apologize. My joke was obviously in worse taste than I realized and my subsequent attempts at moderating it have only made you angrier. I came to this board to do a bit of research but will bow out now. It's not my place to comment on male/male relationships at all. I'm sorry if I kicked anyone, whether they were down or not. I have a smart mouth but there was no intention of harm behind it. I hope everyone finds what they're looking for, whatever that may be.

 

[Alex NRN]

When I saw tanyachrs first post I went: "Whoa, where did that come from?"

But I'm displeased with myself for using a phrase like "I don't give a shit." That smacks of bitterness and I don't want to be like that. I was just expressing my frustration and that particular phrase is an effective way of doing it!

I can obviously relate to what human_male had to say - thanks for that.

 

[bluebell]

Another too-long post by me

It's okay, Alex. I think so many people have said things they might have wished they hadn't said online. Not that you're losing sleep, just a general, momentary discontent, perhaps?
The beauty of talking to people online is that you can have as much time as you need to respond, or write what you want- tweak it so that your first written thought isn't posted and people go, "what the hell?"

One of the downfalls about talking to people online is it's so easy to do, that it's just as simple to respond with a knee-jerk reaction and say something that sounded okay to you when you thought it, but when it's posted you feel silly.
And then, it can get really bad as people read it a different way than you meant it. That's happened to me on forums before, except I almost did lose sleep over it because I hate feeling like I might have said something that someone took to heart in the wrong way.
We all mess up- don't worry.
I wish you lots of luck

 

[Alex NRN]

Thanks for that, bluebell7.

Yes, what you say is very logical and makes total sense to me.

I don't understand why some people are happy to keep a desire as a fantasy - that to me is unbearably frustrating and unfulfilling.

Do you buy a new car and keep it in the garage? Of course not, you drive it.

I get so tired of: 'I wanna do this and that to you' - anyone can talk big and to quote the obvious - actions speak louder than words.

 

[oldcalhippie]

Hey Alex....Im to old too at 53.

 

[bluebell]

kick it back

As great as cyberland can be, it still has a lot of the pitfalls of the normal world: you get dumped on.
It can almost sting more online, just because people have the ability (if they pay attention) to really get a sense for the kind of person you are, and so when they reject it, it can cut deeper because it's you. Not just an aspect of you. This is all relative to the amount of candor you allow yourself, but still.
Online rejection can be just as sucky as real life rejection.

I agree, Alex, people can be weird. I don't know why it would be such a difficult situation for these people to follow through with you. It just might be a door that you have to keep knocking on for awhile before you get any results. I suppose some of it depends, as well, on what you're willing to settle/not settle for.
But you never know what's coming one day to the next.
Life is funny sometimes...

 

[chromefreak]

I looked at this craigslist very briefly. It struck me as being for the seedy, gloryhole meet in lunch hour crowd.

I hate sounding so negative but just being honest.

It IS like that most of the time. Jost post an add making clear what you're looking for, and make no uncertain terms about what you DON'T want and it is great. Met a few laid-back, mellow down-to-earth guys there, and have an ongoing "Buddy" type thing with one. Just politely inform the ones that want an unsafe, anonymous quickie in the back of the van when the wife is away that you are not interested.

 

[lemmesee]

We are afraiad of being discovered....